October 10th 2016
Packets of food now lined the coffee table. Holly had been quick to occupy her mouth with whatever she could get her hands on upon Aprils return. Currently she was crunching her way through some potato chips at world record speed. She remembered how Gail would often assign her bad days as eat her feelings kind of days, seems she definitely picked up some of her former partners habits in their time spent together.
"So Hols, Gail and reasons, are you going to keep us waiting all day?"
This was the part that Holly had been dreading. Sometimes she wasn't always the best at explaining herself, she had the tendency to ramble when she got nervous about what she was saying or where a conversation was heading and right now she was definitely nervous. Holly had had a lot of time to mull things over in Montreal, examine her reasons for leaving, and it became quite clear that although her explanations made perfect sense to herself others may not have been quite so understanding. In fact Holly was certain that after she told her friends her reasoning they may believe her to be a complete cold hearted bitch.
The truth was that there wasn't any one reason as to why she left, no one big dramatic event that had forced her hand. It was the little things that had built up over time, nagged at her and became huge problems in her mind that drove her to departure. They were issues that may have seemed small to other people but to her they had become deal breakers.
"I really don't know where to start" she remarked whilst strictly avoiding eye contact.
"Look Hols you are going to have to talk about this eventually, I think it will do you good"
"I know, I know but be prepared to hate me afterwards ok"
"We are your friends Holly, we have been for a long time, if anyone is going to be understanding of your issues its us". Holly eventually looked up to her friends and was met with eyes that were nothing but supporting. She took in the sight before her, the three of them bunched together on a couch with empty packets sprawled around their feet, and realised that they were right. They were her friends and they had been having these D&M sessions for a long time. They may not completely understand her reasoning but they definitely wouldn't hate her afterwards. She took a deep breath and spilled everything.
"Ok here it goes. Have you ever met Gail's friends or family?" they hadn't when she had left but know she wasn't so sure.
Jaz and April both shook their heads.
"Well the Gail you met wasn't exactly the way she always was, she wasn't always so self assured. Her family situation was pretty fucked up, not in the sense that anything really terrible happened to her but just that she had a lot of expectations to meet. Her mum wasn't particularly maternal to say the least, she never really let Gail be herself, there was always this agenda with her and most of the time I spent around her she made it painfully obvious that Gail would never meet her standards."
Jaz jumped in then "Hols we want to hear about you not Gail's life story"
"I promise this will all make sense ok just bare with me" Holly barked perhaps a little more aggressively than she had intended.
Jaz held her hands up in surrender "Ok, ok continue"
"Well eventually that has to get to someone right, constantly being told that you weren't good enough or hadn't done enough or weren't advanced enough in your career. It wasn't just her mum either. Gail's friends, the other rookies, they would always say she got stuff because she was a peck, like she wasn't good enough to get things by herself."
"Right" she could tell April and Jaz weren't quite following her but she continued anyway.
"Well when we got together her friends would always joke with her that I had settled and she had reached. Not in the looks department but more personality wise. They would say that they didn't know how she landed me or why I put up with her. It was like they were just waiting for her to screw things up"
Holly knew that Gail's friends would be there for her in a heartbeat and that they really did care about her but she also knew that they hadn't taken the time to truly understand who she was behind the wall she put up. They didn't understand how vulnerable she could be or how perfect she really was in her own right. Gail was unlike anyone she had ever met, she was well aware of her flaws and embraced them fully. They were out for the world to see, she didn't try and cover them. Yes she tried to hide herself, certain aspects of who she was and what made her so special, but Gail had never tried to deny she was anything but a flawed person. In fact unlike most people Gail revealed her flaws before anything else. Holly knew Gail used it as a tactic, revealed her snark and sarcasm and coldness as a way of keeping people away, but it had never done anything but draw Holly in. She was fascinated by someone who would willingly present the worst version of themselves upon first meeting someone. She never knew if Gail realised that the worst version of herself was better than most people's best version of themselves, or at least it was to Holly anyway.
"So you left because of her friends?" April's confused tone broke her out of her trance.
"No, no that's not it at all. It's just that I think Gail was so used to having people think badly of her that eventually she started to believe it. She thought I was perfect, that I could do no wrong and that she would never be good enough for me. Don't get me wrong it's nice to have someone feel that way about you, but it was also a lot of pressure. I was up on this pedestal and I was just waiting to crash down. Anyway it started as a small issue but eventually I became anxious about it, I was just waiting for her to realise that I could never be perfect, that I would never reach the standards that she had set for me"
"Is that it? Did you talk to Gail about it?"
"No that's not it" Holly scoffed, "there was also the cop thing, I never fully got comfortable with it. I was terrified every time she came home late or would talk about an important case they had coming up. I could never ask her to leave though, it's part of who she is and as much as being a cop may have been forced upon her at the start I know she really does love doing it. Every time I said good bye to her I couldn't stop myself from thinking that she may not come home in one piece, or worse not at all and I guess I was justified because now look at her"
Holly was met with silence. She chanced a look up and saw that that Jaz and April were trying to contemplate what to say.
"Fuck this all sound so silly now that I'm saying it out loud. I told you it might not seem like much but everything just ate away at me over time and eventually I just couldn't take it anymore. I had to leave, get away from everything, all the pressure and fear before it completely consumed me. Crap you hate me don't you, god I hate myself so you should hate me. I thought I had made the right decision but I saw her the other day and I've been regretting leaving ever since" She was becoming more and more frantic, she was nervously clenching and unclenching her fists and tears were pooling at her eyes.
Eventually April grabbed her hands "Oh Hols, it doesn't seems silly at all, I mean they are perfectly legitimate fears"
"Right but I'm not so sure they are legitimate reasons for upping and leaving in an instant" Jaz piped up.
"Jaz" April gave her a death stare over Holly's head that was now slumped down in her lap.
"What? I'm sorry Hols but I am nothing if not truthful. Why didn't you speak to Gail about it? You were together for a long time and she was never anything but honest with you, she loved you and trusted you and you just shat all over that"
Jaz was right of course, she was always right, it just wasn't what Holly wanted to hear in this exact moment. She was sobbing into her lap now, April rubbing small circles into her back.
"Crap Hols I'm sorry if I'm being harsh but we have gotten to know Gail pretty well and I think she may have surprised you if you just told her about how you were feeling. You could have worked it out I'm sure of it, you were good together the two of you"
"Yeah, well I think that ship has sailed" Holly remarked through her sobs and at this exact moment she wished that wasn't true.
Eventually Holly had calmed down enough to get back to what had turned into a girls night, now compete with tequila and Pizza that was on its way. Perhaps sensing that Holly was done with talking about Gail for the time being Jaz and April kept the conversation light. They may have disagreed with her for running away but tonight proved they would always be there for her and Holly could take comfort in that.
"So April how is Jason?" Jason was April's boyfriend of 4 years, the two were perfectly matched as far as Holly was concerned. He levelled out her sometimes overstimulated imagination.
"Yep, he's good, we are actually looking at buying a new house together, our apartment is getting a bit too small"
"Oh do I sense children on the Agenda" Holly chuckled.
"No, no nothing like that, well not yet anyway but we have talked about it and it is something that we both want someday"
"Oh that's nice" at least some people were happy Holly thought "and what about you Jazz still single?"
"Yep still single and definitely not looking to mingle. If there is anything that having to do couples therapy has taught me it is that I may be better off being a lonely spinster then married" The three of them dissolved into fits of giggles, Jaz was only half joking.
They were interrupted by the shrill chimes of the doorbell.
"That will be the Pizza" Jaz exclaimed excitedly as she rushed to answer it.
Holly continued laughing and chatting to April, when suddenly she was rendered speechless.
"Hey sorry for dropping by like this I'm just going stir crazy in that apartment, needed to get out for a few hours" It was a voice Holly knew intimately. Her suspicions were confirmed when she peered towards the door and saw Gail barging past a frozen Jaz in her wheelchair.
"Uh, shit sorry Gail now might not be the best time" Jaz recovered nicely stammering to get in front of the blonde.
"Huh? Oh my god have you got a guy here" thankfully Gail had yet to notice Holly on the couch. "Oh wait is that sex and the city I hear, is April here?" After that things seemed to happen in slow motion to Holly. Gail peered round Jaz's body, her blue eyes connecting with Holly's for only a moment before she yanked herself back. The movement was too quick though and Gail toppled out of her wheelchair shouting expletives as she fell. She ended up in a heap on the floor, her wheelchair upended next to her.
"Shit Gail are you okay?" April rushed off the couch to help her up with Jaz. And that is when Holly noticed the blood that was starting to seep through Gail's sweatshirt.
"No, crap I think I may have ripped some of my stiches open" The blonde grinded out through the pain.
"Alright, alright we are getting you to the hospital, Holly go get the car, my keys are on the kitchen bench"
"I, uh, I'm not so sure if that's, I mean I don't think she will want..." Holly stammered
"Holly now is not the time, go get the car and we will meet you out front ok" and so Holly grabbed the keys and scrambled down to Jaz's car, her mind running wild with thoughts about Gail.
In case you haven't figured it out by now I'm exploring what would happen if it turns out that Holly is actually the insecure one in the relationship. I broke formatting slightly here but next chapter should see us going back in time again. Thank you for all of the reviews.
