Part Seven:
Spike and Xander sunk deep into the couch with as much space as possible left between them. They fell deeper into their despair when the girls had left, each one headed to her respective function. Buffy went to the Magic Box for she decided to take over now that Anya got her old job back and maybe earn some keep while she was at it, anything better than the Doublemeat Palace. Willow set off to her morning classes and Dawn to school. That left both Xander and Spike as each other's delightful company.
After several minutes of sitting still in uncomfortable silence, only interrupted by the sound of the television as the credits rolled by, Xander pushed himself up and exited the living room. Spike didn't show any sign that he noticed, seemingly intrigued with the names of the stunt doubles. Rummaging could be heard. Cupboards were opening and closing, the definite sound of the fridge door being opened. Then before long, Xander came back laden with supplies. He was walking with difficulty as he was balancing four beers on top of a couple of large bags of chips. He spread the stuff on the coffee table, keeping one beer for himself then leaned back into the couch and started the mindless channel surfing, occasionally sipping from his beverage.
A moment later, he held back a smile as he heard the hiss of another can opening. Soon they were sitting in comfortable silence not giving the other a single thought except when their hands fought for the last chip. Because everyone knew that it was the tastiest chip. Spike won.
Xander sighed and stood up. "I'm going to the bathroom."
Spike shrugged while making noticeable crunching sounds. "Don't see why you have to tell me all the exhilarating details of your life."
Xander ground his teeth together to keep from barking at him. With a muffled grunt, he left for the bathroom.
Spike snagged the remote and started clicking through the channels tiredly. He should be asleep during the day. But God help him if he slept in a house alone with Xander Harris. The boy already got him turned into a chick, deliberately or not. He wasn't about to allow himself to be even more defenseless in a house full of sharp weapons courtesy of the Slayer.
There was a knock on the door, and Spike waited for Xander to come out of the bathroom to answer it, but nothing. He sighed and levered himself up off the couch, pulling the purple sweats back up when they threatened to fall. Thankfully, his brand new round waist kept that from happening. Spike was glad that his low-cut top was tight enough that it didn't need similar treatment and a plus for not needing a bra.
Bet that riled the boy. He thought snickering.
The knocking returned once more with more impatience this time. Spike growled irately and quickened his step.
"Bloody do everything myself, and they start to pound the door down."
He unlocked the door and stepped back from it, towards the curtain protected living room and yelled, "It's open."
The door opened and closed. The figure at the door froze as he opened his mouth before blinking, surprised to see him. He asked with a stutter, "I- I beg your pardon, b-but who might you be?"
Spike looked confused at Giles' ignorance before he felt a devilish smile appear on his face. It seemed like Buffy asked the old watcher to come and help but conveniently 'forgot' to inform him of the reason. He held back a snicker.
Oh, I get to play. Such joy.
Giles was oblivious to this, not to mention flustered at Spike's revealing appearance. He looked anywhere but at the seemingly disheveled attractive blonde.
"Are you a friend of Dawn's?" he asked gruffly.
Spike choked on a snort. He knew he looked young but it seemed that the purple sweats and the unkempt appearance made him look a little older than Dawn. Spike had no idea that he actually looked like a nineteen-year-old model that had just woken up from a very 'satisfying' sleep. Or did he?
Spike fluttered his lashes confused. "Who is Dawn?" Then he faked knowledge. "Oh! You must mean that little girl in the picture. Xan-der," he said in his over exaggerated American accent, "- always makes sure that I'm here after she and the other ladies of the house have left."
This time Giles looked directly at the grinning woman. "I beg your pardon?"
Spike pulled on the memory of every seductive woman that had come across his path and brought forth every movie that would help him in his performance. Also, it seemed that those boring hours spent with Anya while she babbled on about Xander in bed would finally come in handy.
He twirled his finger around a long blonde lock and looked under his long bangs and lashes. He pouted delicately and bit on his lower lip, smiling in satisfaction when a flush started to build on Giles' face.
"Poor guy was really down… he needed something to lift his spirits. And for the right amount I was ready to… help lift him up." There was a wicked gleam in the blue eyes. "I can get ANY one up, you know."
A delicate finger was running over the long milky neck while Spike tilted his head in thought. Giles swallowed the lump in his throat before he noticed that the supple ruby lips were still moving.
"… he's a Norse God in the sack, I'll have you know. Raises me up to the clouds he does." Spike licked his lips instead of grinning widely when he saw the wild green eyes looking for escape. "He really knows how to please me with his interlocking parts… work's pleasure with him. Mmmm." He sighed dramatically, making sure his chest rose and felt the heat of Giles' eyes. Spike sniffed discreetly and chuckled inwardly when he caught a very definite smell coming from the flustered man. That was only more incentive for him to continue.
"…and after he rides me like a fine mare – which he keeps screaming when he's 'close' –" A whimper came from the door's direction. "-he tells me when we cuddle, which causes him extra by the way… him needing the contact and all, that if only he had a sound father figure to help him through that wedding. His own father being a drunken fool was out of the question." He sighed exuberantly. "If only there were some man he could've confided in… none of this would've happened."
"Oh my…" Giles looked devastated.
Spike shrugged. He never felt this- giddy was the only word that fit. "Well, all that ends well… least for me. I could retire on the cash that I got from this."
"Why are you here?" Giles looked around frantically. "Is Xander here?"
"We can't go to his place no more. Neighbors bother us with their yelling for us to stop… rude much!" He knew hanging around the Buffy and her friends would be good for something. He was knowledgeable in the ways of girl speak.
He narrowed his eyes at Giles. "You're a friend of his?"
Giles, still unmoved from his spot near the door, nodded slowly in dread.
Spike gaped before bursting in frantic words.
"Give me money. Xanny Hunk -it's what he makes me call him- ran off on me and I ain't leavin' without my pay."
"What?" Giles rubbed at his face.
"I think Hunk-y boy is a little short for cash. He has been around the block a lot if you catch my drift." Spike winked.
Giles didn't understand half of what the woman - Dear God… Xander hired a prostitute – was saying.
"Xander needs money?"
Spike nodded so hard it caused the blond hair to bounce. "You bet your flat English ass he does. He demanded in the last 'service' the King Treatment, and since it wasn't such a hardship for a well-hung cha- uh, dude like him, only cost him one thousand - bucks."
"Flat… excuse me. Wait," Giles' indigence turned into even more horrified shock. "One thousand bucks? Dollars! That's awfully a lot…"
"How would you know? Had your fill of some, hmm?" Spike wiggled a finger and leered. "Well, I'm not like anyone else. I have talent… and Xanny Hunk wanted the special treatment- ALL the extras. Want a list? Okay, on top there's the dominant play… he likes it when I lead… with toys of course, I'm no rooky … we have…"
"Hey, you're here!"
Giles jumped as he heard another unfamiliar female voice. He took a deep breath, relieving the blue color that had attacked him when he stopped breathing midway into the description. He turned around and the red rushed back to his face when he found yet another attractive girl wearing a large light blue T-shirt and darker blue sweatpants. Now this one absolutely looked Dawn's age.
That made Giles' bones to turn cold. Was Xander that depressed that he needed to play a game with a striking 'experienced' harlot and a shy innocent virgin?
"Oh Dear Lord… Xander hired himself TWO prostitutes!" he blurted out with gaped eyes.
"WHAT?" Xander yelled before looking at Spike accusingly. "What is he talking about?"
Spike was biting his lip, hard. "Rupes thinks we're hookers."
"WHAT?!"
Giles was trying to wrap his mind around how he can help Xander out as well as trying to remember if he ever told the young 'lady' his name.
"Spike, what did you do?"
Giles blinked at the name. His mind froze.
Did she say… Spike?
His eyes narrowed as they zoomed in on the blonde who was pouting at the brunette while amazingly carrying out a death glare at the same time. Not to mention she mouthed 'party poofter'.
Giles rolled his eyes with a weary sigh.
Finally it all made perfect sense. How hesitant Buffy was on telling him about the problem they needed him for, only begging him to come as soon as possible because they didn't know what to do. She knew that if she had told him what really happened he would burst out laughing and then would tell her to "let the two stew" because if anyone deserved it, it would have been them.
So, the blonde-haired woman was Spike and the brunette was Xander. Good heavens, did he just think that Xander was a shy innocent virgin? Well, perhaps that was better than him 'nearly' getting aroused by the female vision of Spike.
He shook his head. That was why those two deserved this. They drove him bloody bonkers.
"I should've realized from that horrid American accent… I figured it some kind of southern talk."
Xander scoffed. "You've just insulted the south."
Giles rubbed at his eyes. "I assume you're the problem, Xander?"
Xander hid his face in his hands. Typical. Giles assumed that he was the reason to this. Putting aside the truth of that statement.
Spike threw his arm over Xander's shoulder. "We're always trouble. It's our 'maiden' name."
Xander looked at Spike with a pained face. "Now that's bad and this is coming from me."
Giles felt tired all of a sudden. The shock was unbearable. He moved to the living room, wanting to relax in his favorite place on the couch. Sadly, the dream was too good to be true, revolting pieces of chips were all over it. Four beer cans scattered over the coffee table with definite wet marks all over. He heaved a weary sigh and headed to the adjoining chair. A disgusted expression emerged on his face when his eyes fell on the untidy light blue pajamas thrown on his bloody chair!
He was beginning to lose his temper. At least from within, but that was how it began. He had better watch himself. Ripper wouldn't do any good at this moment. Even though it would be extremely satisfying. He took a deep breath, inhaling and exhaling. Now he was calm or as calm as he could be with those two around.
He stood by the couch and disgustedly picked up the two pieces of pajamas with the tips of his fingers. He threw them on the floor with a grimace.
"At least we know that you're still the same old slobs, now don't we?" He looked from the clothes to the beer cans and chips then pushed the clothes away with the sole of his shoe.
Spike snorted. "Really, there's no need to act so spooked."
"Oh pray tell, why should I not be 'spooked' after your riveting story?" Giles grumbled while making himself comfortable on the couch.
Xander looked at Spike, puzzled. "What did you tell him?" His inner voice yelled at him that it wasn't a good idea to ask. He held up his hands in horror. "No, no, I don't wanna know." For once, he knew to listen to the inner voice residing upstairs.
He turned to Giles. "You so don't wanna know about those, Giles," he said pointing at the blue pajamas.
Giles nodded agreeing. Finally, some sense around here.
"I always sleep naked." Spike shrugged. "Dunno why you tiptoe around that."
"Lord Almighty," Giles exclaimed, massaging his head. "Who knew knowledge could this harmful." He shot the vampire a glare.
Xander smacked his hand over his eyes in embarrassment.
Spike smirked enjoying the utterly human reactions. He crossed his arms under his chest, purposely pushing the round breasts up, revealing more of the pale skin. Then he stroked his finger in a seemingly unconscious way over the separating line, bringing more attention to his ample boobs. He chuckled evilly when Giles cursed at the sight and looked away breaking the heated glare.
Spike raised his eyebrow thoughtfully. Well, well, well… maybe being a bird could have some advantages here.
Xander felt himself fume, noting the situation. First Willow, then Buffy, now Giles. Does Spike have absolutely NO dignity or restraint? He rolled his eyes. What was he thinking? Of course not. This was Spike.
Sighing, Giles took off his glasses and started his usual cleaning session. An unexpected gasp made him jump slightly. He raised his eyes with apprehension.
Xander pointed his finger at him, his body somewhat shaking. "You're ... you're doing it!"
Spike followed Xander's pointed finger with excitement and looked at Rupert who was using his nancy handkerchief to wipe his glasses. His excitement vanished. "When's has he never done it," he said bored.
"Yeah, but do you know why he does it?" Xander asked, staring at Giles with barely masked outrage
"Why?" Spike asked curious to what had gotten Harris in such a stitch.
"Buffy told me all that wiping is just an act so that he won't see what we do." Xander's pointed an accusing finger at Giles. He hated how easily it was for their so called proud Englishman to discard his so called 'Watcher' pride - not that it wasn't a smart idea to distract oneself from Spike's antics, but it was the principle that mattered! Especially when Xander was involved in the fake loss of sight. Xander wondered how upset Giles really was when Willow made him blind that one time.
"What?" Giles said with a tense whisper, unaware of the battling emotions within Xander. Putting his glasses back on, he looked apprehensively at the angry brown-haired 'woman'. He remembered asking Buffy to keep that piece of embarrassing information to herself. He sighed. Maybe she did so in spite, to get back at him because he had left.
He looked at the two females in front of him and couldn't help but itch to clean his glasses once more. He was sure he had missed a spot. He finally gave up, not able to see more of that, and took them off and began wiping at that maddening spot.
He could tell that Xander was shaking his head and Spike was wickedly doing that… thing with his breasts. Breasts? He shuddered. With a sinking feeling, he realized that he was the only male in the group. Their group already had too many female members, they certainly didn't need more. It was a déjà vu to the feeling he had when Angel and Oz had left leaving him to be the only adult, which really didn't change when Spike joined. And he wasn't even going to go there. He still couldn't figure out how that happened.
When he replaced his glasses once more, he looked hesitantly in the direction of Xander and Spike. Why were they standing so close to each other… and to him? Thankfully, Spike stopped his - toying… and Xander was no longer angry. They were looking at him expectantly now. It was as if they were hoping he would present them with the answer to their problem that very second.
He shook his head. Why do they all always expect him to find the right answer instantly?
He looked away from his current annoyance and was only irritated more at the sight of the messy living room. Now he noticed the sleeping bag and sheets, which clearly meant they had spent the night here although one would assume they lived here as well from the chaos.
He remembered the unpleasant days when Spike used to live with him. A terrified shudder came when he remembered his stay in Xander's dank basement. Those bloody Initiative.
Turning his gaze to the hopeful two, he asked, "Why don't you clean this mess right now before we try to figure this out?"
Xander and Spike shared a look then burst into unwomanly gales of laughter, leaning into each other for support.
Apparently, their misfortune brought them to common ground. Giles sighed and tried again, bluntly asking, "When will Buffy be back?"
As quick as the laughter began it stopped and the two bodies enjoyed a second of stillness before immediately rushing to clean up the garbage.
Giles closed his eyes tiredly.
When will Buffy be back?
