Disclaimer: Duh.

Author's Note: thanks to you who wished me happy birthday…to those of you who didn't. : -P that's what I think about that. This was almost impossible to write cuz not only did I have to finish those two papers I sat looking at this empty screen and was over come with terror cuz I couldn't think for the life of me what was supposed to come next. I know where I want it to go, I even have a couple scenes already written out waiting to be put in for your viewing, when the time comes. But I keep not knowing how to get there. I'm afraid that I might have put Alec and Max's talk too early but I'm think it'll set the stage for when she meets up with Zackie-poo again. I don't know. Grr I'm supposed to know these things. Give me your thoughts. Give them to me. Make me ohh and ahh over your wonderful insights.

Review, it's the only thing to do.

Secret Life

Chapter 7: A talkin' to

~*~

How could I stay?

How could I breathe?

There had to be more for me

Promises gone

Plastic and stone

I'm doing fine all alone

So you're having a breakdown

So you're losing the fight

So you're having a breakdown

And I'm driving and crying

Unraveled and flying

I'm coming to your breakdown tonight

I cannot run

I cannot hide

It came with me locked inside

The bough will break

Cradle will fall

It only takes one call

~ Melissa Etheridge, "Breakdown"

~*~

He could hear heavy breathing, the sound of fear faint in the cool night air, but there was little he couldn't hear. He sat up in his bed and searched for the source of the sound, his blue eyes scanning the still, small bodies of his unit. As he suspected Max lay shaking on her bed curled into a tight ball, Jondy holding her hand silently.

He slipped out of bed, ignoring the feeling of cold tiles against his bare feet and was sitting on the bed next to them before they had realized he had gotten up. With a soft hand he brushed at Max's forehead to draw her attention. Wide brown eyes were turned on him, silent and filled with emotions. He covered both hers and Jondy's hand with his own watching as they looked at him. "I'm scared, Zack." Max said in that velvety voice of hers marred by the tremor that ran through it.

He froze, "Zack," he whispered the name. "Zack…not Adam." It felt…right; old and worn and comforting in it's familiarity. He had given up his pacing at Alec's and had decided he should pace in Mary and Buddy's room. He had picked the lock, since he didn't have a key, wondering where he had picked up the knowledge, and waited for them. They had to know at least a little of what was happening, how could they not?

He heard the door opening and the soft voice of Mary, mummering about sales to Buddy. He turned to face them his back straighter than it had been in five months. "Well, we thought ya had abandoned us all together, Adam," she started with a smile.

"Zack," he said watching their faces for their reaction to the revelation. Both froze mid-step and paled.

"What was that, boy?" Buddy asked quietly.

"My name, it's Zack not Adam. Isn't it?" His jaw clenched tightly as he saw Mary sink onto the bed her eyes to the ground. "Isn't it?"

"Yes," she said to her wringing hands. "Ya've remembered."

"Not all of it," he bit his lip sagging slightly against the hotel wall. "You gonna tell me what you know?"

Mary looked at Bud, taking his and Zack watched as he squeezed slightly, reassuringly. "Ya got hurt…" she started still unable to meet his eyes. "We weren't told the specifics, just that it'd been bad…ya lost your memory and…we were supposed ta take ya in and take care of ya" She smiled at him then, "they told us ya were special and we needed ta watch out for ya."

"Special?"

"Special." Bud said gruffly, "you know it as well as we do, you're stronger and smarter and faster. Special."

"I'm a freak," he whispered into his hands.

Mary stood up then and walked over to him placing a hand gingerly on his arm, "ya aren't a freak. Ya're just different, no harm in that, m'boy."

"Anything else?" Zack bit his lip avoiding her gaze knowing that once he would have been able to look her in the eye.

"I'm sorry…Zack." She said the name hesitantly, almost afraid that he would recoil at the sound of his real name spoken out loud by someone else.

"Who told you to take me in?"

"A good man looking out for a female friend of his," Bud supplied nodding his head as though he had to agree with himself.

"Female friend?" Zack's head snapped up and his blue eyes bore into Bud's. "What'd she look like?"

"Pretty: dark hair, dark skin, small."

"Max." Zack sagged again, his mind running a mile a minute. "I have to go." He said only half-paying attention as he walked out of the room, Bud and Mary only watching him worriedly.

~*~

"I wasn't hallucinating!" Max spit out slamming her locker shut. She turned to Original Cindy with her arms crossed and her lips tight.

"Whatdya mean, boo?" Cindy leaned up against her own locker and stared her friend down.

"Zack…he's in Seattle. And he remembers me!"

"Doesn't that mean he'll remember Logan?" One dark eyebrow raised and she could feel uneasiness rise with it.

"In theory. Maybe if he never sees Logan that won't be a problem, or…I don't know." She practically keeled pulling on a lock of hair in distraction.

Cindy slapped her hand, "You quite that hair pulling thing ages, boo, don't start now. Let's look at the options…"

"I don't have options! I have to avoid him."

"You don't want to though." Cindy shook her head sadly and drew pushed herself away from the locker.

"Of course I don't. I never wanted him to leave in the first place. He's my brother I love him…"

"That's not why."

"Why then?" Max's head snapped to the side and she watched Cindy smile in understanding.

"Original Cindy's got eyes, boo, she know what her homegirl looks like when she trippin' over a boy."

"I'm not trippin' over Zack!" Max practically screamed and winced when she heard Alec chuckling from behind her.

"Really? Never would have guessed," he said with a smirk as he came to lean next to Cindy.

"Don't make me kick your ass, I really don't…no, wait, that would be a lie."

"I'm hurt…really. You've wounded me." He turned to Cindy and pretended to pout. "Max is being mean again."

"Original Cindy ain't surprised." She turned to Max with a critical eye, "just think about what Original Cindy said, aiight?"

"Fine, I'll think about it. Don't hold your breath." She smiled before turning on Alec. "What do you want?"

"I took Zack, Adam…whatever you wanna call him, back to my apartment earlier."

"And what happened?" Her eyes grew wide as her mind filled with countless images of ways that Alec could have screwed things up.

Alec put on an expression of mock hurt and held a hand to his chest. "Nothing, what do you think I am? Cheap? I barely even know the man, he never even bought me dinner."

"Alec…" she took one step towards him, her fists balling dangerously.

"Nothing!" He held his hands up in surrender. "I thought leaving him in the middle of the market while he was having a breakdown would have drawn attention or something. I thought my apartment would be safer, don't want you whining about that too." He smirked and cocked his head to the side as he looked down at her. "I didn't tell him much. I just answered a couple questions, nothing serious."

"Is he ok?" she asked after a long time. She wouldn't meet Alec's eyes and bit her lip anxiously.

"He's going insane…I'd say he's wonderful, but I'd be lying."

He started to walk off but she grabbed his arm. "Thanks…for taking care of him." she choked out, disliking the words on her tongue especially directed at Alec.

He looked down at her with serious blue eyes and shrugged, "how many times have I had to listen to stories about the heroic Zack?" He took a deep breath and rolled his eyes heavenward, a gesture that in any other circumstance might have made Max laugh. "Come back to my place, blow off some steam, and you'll be able to think about all this better."

She silently cursed and considered her options. She could go to her apartment and be alone, not something she really wanted to do at that moment. She could take her 'cycle out and clear her head, she'd still be alone. She could go to Logan's and talk to him, but she didn't want to see him especially when Zack was involved, or she could take Alec up on his offer vent her frustration out on him, always a fun past time, and not have to be alone. She nodded assent and followed him to his bike, her own by her side.

The ride to his place seemed to take forever and Max was left wondering how a car hadn't hit her in her distracted state. When the building finally loomed over them she paused apprehension filling her suddenly. Alec looked at her and guessing what was on her mind smiled, "he'll be gone."

"How do you know?"

"He'll want to find someone to answer questions, and my apartment isn't the best place for that. Either that or he'll want somewhere to think that's open."

"Yeah, probably." She shut her eyes slowly and took a deep breath before following him up to his apartment.

She was inside and pacing within moments. She barely gave him time to offer her something to drink before she was wearing a line in the floor. Trying not to grin he started running water in his sink and throwing in dishes and soap. She didn't talk for a long time and he waited patiently for the flood to begin. When it did she was almost unaware of the fact that she was even talking.

"I can't go through losing him again," she crossed her arms but didn't pause in her pacing. "I've lost him so many times, and I don't know if I can handle it again. Why did he have to show up now, of all times? Now I have to lose him again, I have to avoid him like the plague so he won't remember anything else…" she went on and words started to bleed together and Alec found himself wondering when the ability to breath would become an issue. When she started to repeat herself he started to get frustrated, and then without warning she stopped talking.

Max paced quietly, fully aware of Alec's eyes on her. When she looked up at him she was surprised to see his arms crossed over his chest and his jaw clenched tightly, anger fairly seething from him. "What's your problem?" she snapped running a hand through her hair.

"Max," he took a deep breath and his tongue darted out to wet his lips, "you're an idiot."

"Excuse me?" She could feel her jaw drop in surprise.

"Exactly that," he pushed away from the kitchen counter and walked over to his sink and went back to cleaning his dishes, still talking. "You're so scared of emotion that you deny it." His eyes were hard when he looked at her. "You push away anyone that gets close, and then stand around crying that you're all alone."

"I don't think…" she jumped when he dropped a plate into the soapy water with a splash.

"There's your biggest problem, right there." Max started to worry that he was going to bend a spoon with his ministrations. "Zack is one of the most important people in your life, and you're doing nothing to keep him there."

"He would have killed Logan!"

"You could have found a way to stop that! How often has he been your savior, Max? How often?" another plate was dropped into the sink. "Once, twice, ten million?"

"What are you getting at?" She took a cautious step closer to him, curious despite herself.

"Let's think, Maxie. I know the stories, ya told me a lot of them. When you were in Manticore…how many times did he get sent to solitaire because he stood up for you guys? How many times did he let you crawl up into his not so big bed and sleep with him, knowing if they found out he would be the one punished?" Alec pointed a soapy finger at her angrily, "he broke all of you out because you were going to be taken away. He knew what would happen because you were having seizures and wouldn't let it happen."

Max stared off into the distance remembering the night of the break out. Remembering seeing the look in Zack's eyes as he watched the guard advance on them, and watching him fall to the snow having put himself in harms way so she and Jondy could make it out. Alec swallowed as he saw the far off look in her eyes, knowing full well what scene was being played out in her mind.

"He gave up every chance of a normal life that he had to protect all of you. Imagine it, Max, an eleven-year-old tracking down eleven kids scattered across the country…and finding them. Lydecker, Logan, hundreds of other men with more recourses and better chances couldn't do what he did as an eleven-year-old. Do you honestly think it was all out of duty?" He stared down at the sink for a long time his own memories of Manticore haunting him; a unit with no CO protecting them. "Duty only played a small part," he whispered.

"He loved us, but that's not the point," she whimpered trying to make herself small against his words.

"Yes, it is! He was your personal savior time and time again. He watched you from the shadows for years just ready to come and help you. He put his life in danger constantly to save you. Think how lonely he must have been, running from sibling to sibling bandaging scraped knees and doing whatever it took to keep them safe; never getting the chance to settle down for two days and prop up his feet." Alec threw up his hands in the air and rounded on her, "he went back to Manticore when you wouldn't leave Seattle. After telling you he would rather die than go back, he went back to save you."

She turned away from him, trying to distance herself from his words. He wouldn't let her though; leaving the dishes he advanced on her turned back. Strong hands grabbed her shoulders and bodily moved her to face him. Wide brown eyes met his bard blue ones and he almost softened, almost stopped his assault when he saw the tears glistening there. His words were quiet when he went on," He shot himself to give you a heart, to save your life. Every time you turn around he's saving your life, Max. How many times has he offered you his hand only to have it bitten off? He loves you…more than life itself and he's proved." He lifted a hand to bring her chin up so she would look at him. "You can't tell me that you don't love him back. You can't because I saw your face when you saw him in the market. Logan can't hold a candle to him. I can't hold a candle to him…no one in this world can."

Max sobbed something before falling into Alec's arms burying her face into his shoulder, he wrapped his arms around her gently, "Are you really willing to give that up again?"

"No," she whispered, her voice cracking. "But what can I do?"

"You do anything you have to, you stop at nothing to keep him. Do you realize how many chances you've had? You aren't going to get many more."

"Something will go wrong and he'll get hurt or Logan will!"

"Something always goes wrong, Max. Not because its your life, but because its life. Take a chance for once and fuck the consequences and fuck Logan. He isn't the man for you, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but that just seems to be my lot in life."

"No you don't." she said testily, pouting, but didn't disagree with him about Logan. He even caught her lack of argument and for a second was dumbfounded, but he ignored it for the time being.

"So go do…something before I go crazy or something and do it for you. Now that would be gross…me going and kissing Zack."

"I'm not kissing Zack! He's my brother!"

"That's another thing, he's not. You want to give everyone a title and it doesn't always work very smoothly. He's not your brother, not by blood, and especially not now that he's part Adam."

"Part Adam?"

"Part Adam, stop arguing with me and trust me."

"Why?"

"Because, despite all the shit we've put each other through, I'm your friend, believe it or not. Granted the friend that you use as a punching bag, but your friend none the less." He smiled then, his eyes lighting up. "'Sides I have a date I have to get ready for, you're about to start cramping my style."

"I think you do that whenever you start talking," she grumbled but headed for the door.

"Once again, you wound me," he placed a hand over his heart and posed before dropping it and looking serious once more. "Stop lying to yourself and you'll do better." Then he pushed her out the door before she could reply and she found herself alone with her bike, in the hallway, staring at his door.

"I'll never understand that boy."