Author's Note: Short chapter is short, but hey, important character growth for Haruka goes down.
Makoto isn't a cure for sadness.
Come Monday, Haruka wakes up to find that she doesn't feel any better than she did the previous week. When she called her parents to ask to go live with them, they agreed to contact the school and let them know that Haruka would be transferring and that she wouldn't be back.
No one will notice if she doesn't show up, so Haruka doesn't bother. There's a rock lodged in her stomach composed of dread and guilt. She'd pondered over an apology to Nagisa and Rei the entire weekend, and while she was certain about what she wanted to say, now that the day has come, her confidence has left her entirely.
She feels so badly that she begins to wonder if she actually is sick, and not just in the normal sense. She'd been flying on Cloud Nine after her weekend spent within the comforts of her home with Makoto, but it seems that Haruka has crashed and burned.
Makoto had made her want to be optimistic, but of course, nothing is ever that simple.
When Makoto shows up to walk with her to school, Haruka tugs her comforter over her head, not wanting the other girl to see how gross she feels and assume that it's her fault again.
"Is it a bad day?" Makoto asks from the doorway, and Haruka nods, even if the other girl can't see. "It's okay. Monday's are always awful."
The telltale thump of Makoto's backpack hitting the floor catches Haruka's attention, and she lifts her head, pushes her comforter away from her face.
Makoto is taking off her blazer, and she smiles when she notices Haruka staring at her. "Hi."
"What are you doing?"
"Keeping you company." Makoto says, pulling the edges of her blouse from skirt. For a moment, Haruka catches a glimpse of her bare stomach and swallows. "I'll call my mom and tell her you're sick and that I'm taking care of you. Not much is going on in school today anyway."
Haruka doesn't have the energy to tell Makoto that she shouldn't skip school just for Haruka's sake. Maybe kissing her wasn't a good idea. Maybe she wouldn't want to stay if they weren't… whatever they are.
But her uncertain thoughts don't make Haruka ungrateful, and she reaches up when Makoto approaches the bed, hiking one knee up to rest on the mattress so that she's leaning over Haruka. Her pale fingers curl into the collar of Makoto's blouse, and the taller girl smiles sweetly, pressing a brief kiss to Haruka's sweaty forehead.
"You don't have to do this alone anymore, remember?" Makoto says, and Haruka nods, tugging her best friend down onto the bed with her.
They sleep until noon. Or Makoto sleeps until noon. Haruka merely dozes, partially lulled away by Makoto's warmth and the press of her limbs. She plays with Makoto's hands, tracing the lines of her palms and rubbing her thumbs over abused fingernails, and when Makoto wakes up, she nuzzles sleepily into Haruka and asks if she feels well enough to eat something.
Makoto isn't a cure for sadness, but she does help.
Haruka somehow goes the entire day without seeing either Nagisa or Rei. She refuses to go to the roof during lunch and stays in the classroom, anxiously sketching profiles of Makoto, her lips and the line of her jaw.
Makoto is flexible and doesn't press too hard. When Haruka digs her heels in, Makoto only sighs a bit and stands up, as if to leave. Haruka is startled by it, and Makoto must notice, for she says, "I'm going to tell them that we'll see them at practice. I'll be right back."
Messing up is hard. Apologizing is even more so, and Haruka doesn't know what to expect when she walks down to the pool with Makoto once school ends.
She doesn't know if there is such thing as redemption after denouncing one's friends. They were all nothing but kind to her, and Haruka threw it back in their faces in the worst possible way. Makoto forgave her, but she carried her own twisted guilt over the situation, not to mention that she claimed to have been in love with Haruka since they were kids.
Nagisa and Rei have no reason to forgive Haruka for what she did. And on the way down to the pool, Haruka manages to convince herself that they won't and begins to panic.
She thinks she does a good job of hiding it, but then Makoto actively tries to fill the silence between them more than she normally would and those thoughts are banished. Haruka may be scared, but she's just relieved Makoto will be there and that she doesn't have to confront her mistakes alone.
When they walk into the changing room, Nagisa and Rei are already in their suits, but they aren't talking to one another. They're just leaning against the cubbies, staring forlornly at the floor, and when they simultaneously glance up as the older girls walk in, Haruka realizes they were waiting for them.
She fidgets for a moment, trying to transport herself back to yesterday, to the hours she spent in bed with Makoto, to when she was calm.
"Um – " She begins, but then Nagisa is pushing away from the cubbies and nearly flying to her, hugging Haruka with five times her usual intensity.
"We're so sorry, Haru-chan." Nagisa says. Her face is pressed against Haruka's shoulder, so her voice is a little muffled. "We didn't mean to make you upset!"
Haruka starts to tear up. She wants to hug Nagisa back but can't. Her arms won't move. ""I'm sorry." She croaks out, forgetting her apology speech in its entirety. "We are friends, we are, I'm so sorry."
"We understand that you didn't mean what you said." Rei says kindly. Nagisa is sniffling openly while Haruka is trying not to, and Makoto is just standing off to the side, watching them fondly. "Rin-san warned us that you probably wouldn't react well to being confronted."
"We didn't know you were depressed, Haru-chan." Nagisa pulls away, staring directly into Haruka's eyes as she speaks. In truth, it's the most serious the younger girl has ever looked. "How come you never said anything?"
"I didn't even have friends until this summer, Nagisa." Haruka says sullenly. "There was no one to tell."
"You haven't even told your parents?"
Haruka starts to say that she has told her parents, but stops herself just in time. She told them when she called to ask if she could leave. She was as vague as possible and didn't mention her burn scars, but her parents got the gist of everything that was happening to her.
She never got the chance to tell Makoto that she was leaving. It had totally slipped her mind until now. But Haruka doesn't know what to say, doesn't know how to word it. How can she tell her best friend – whom she just recently started a relationship with – that she'll be leaving in a few weeks?
The answer is simple: She can't.
"No." Haruka replies, shaking her head. "I haven't told them. I thought I could handle it, but – "
She trails off. They've all seen her scars. They know she couldn't handle it.
"Well. I'm just glad you're back." Rei says, placing her hands on her hips. "Makoto told us you were planning to quit the team, and then when you didn't show up to school for a couple days, we assumed the worst."
"You're not still quitting, are you?" Nagisa gasps, gripping at Haruka's shoulders tightly. "Please don't, we need you!"
Haruka looks away. "I don't expect you guys to understand, but I can't go near the pool. I feel sick whenever I even think about it."
"We won't push you." Makoto says, and Nagisa and Rei bob their heads eagerly. "If you can't get in the pool, we'll figure something out. The last thing we want is for you to force yourself and end up hurt."
Haruka doesn't think she deserves the leniency the others are showing her. The four of them are the swim team. Makoto, Nagisa, and Rei can compete in their individual events just fine, but without a fourth member, they can't swim in relays. Gou signed them up for one at prefects, but without Haruka, they'll have to drop out.
At this point, Haruka doesn't care if she ends up hurt. She'll do whatever she can for her friends.
"I'll try to get in today." Haruka says, and she can hear the reluctance in her voice.
Apparently the others can too, because Nagisa and Rei exchange an unsure glance while Makoto begins with an imploring, "Haru – "
"If I don't, I'll be afraid forever." Haruka says, fixing Makoto with a level stare. "That's not what I want. Please. Just let me try."
Makoto observes her for a moment, green eyes flitting over Haruka's face as if searching, but then she sighs and reaches for her backpack, which she'd set on the floor by the door when they walked in. "I thought you might say that." She says, unzipping her backpack and pulling out a swimsuit. Haruka spies the familiar purple lines and knows the suit isn't Makoto's. "I took this from your closet before we left for school this morning."
"Thief." Haruka murmurs, taking the suit when Makoto offers it to her.
"You never know when you'll need an emergency swim suit."
"Awesome!" Nagisa chirps, and she steps away from Haruka to snag Rei's hand. While she drags the other girl toward the door, the blonde calls over her shoulder, "We'll leave you guys to get changed. We're gonna go see if Gou-chan is here."
As soon as they're gone, Makoto turns back to Haruka. "You're sure about this?"
Haruka only nods, mouth set in a firm line.
They change quietly, but Haruka sends Makoto out without her, claiming that she needs a moment to herself. The taller girl agrees and makes her exit without complaint, leaving Haruka alone in the changing room.
She releases a shaky sigh, letting her posture slump now that she's alone. She really isn't sure how she's going to accomplish this. If it was a matter of interest, Haruka could muster up the necessary energy to get in if she really wanted.
But this is an issue lost trust and incentive. It bothers Haruka that her own sadness managed to consume her enough that the one thing she enjoyed more than anything stopped giving her pleasure. She doesn't want to get in and find that she isn't enthused, isn't enjoying herself.
Haruka feels that if she does get in and feels that way, there will be no going back. The passion will be lost to her forever.
She turns to her cubby to grab her cap and goggles but stops.
There, taped on the wall, is her drawing.
Makoto must have shown it to the others the same day Haruka ran out on them. Haruka doesn't mind, for that had been her intention, but she can't find the will to stop staring at it.
She drew it because she wanted the others to know that they mean something to her, that she loves them, no matter what she might say to their faces. They inspire her. They make her want to be happy.
Haruka doesn't think she can swim for her grandmother anymore. It just hurts too much.
Then and there, staring at the pencil sketch she made when only a few things made sense in her mind, Haruka resolves to swim for her friends, for their team.
These are her girls, and if she swims, she can keep up with them. They can help her move forward in a way her deceased grandmother cannot.
Before she leaves the changing room, Haruka reaches up and touches the drawing, ghosts her fingers over each of the animals she depicted, lingering over the orca.
Only then does she go to meet the others.
With a week left until prefects, Haruka stays late after school nearly everyday to work on her individual event.
She only swims free, so there isn't much to really work on if she's being honest. It's more that she's reacquainting herself with the water after falling out with it in such a jarring way.
Going back to swimming with the team is a gradual thing, and Haruka still isn't fluid in the water as she was before. The young swimmer just makes sure to touch her drawing in the changing room before she follows the others to the pool.
Strange though it may be, it gives her strength, and if the others bothered to tape it to the wall while she was gone, it must mean something to them as well.
Haruka lifts her face out of the water to take a breath and notices that Makoto is sitting down on the cooling concrete, leaning against the chain-link fence as she watches Haruka swim.
Normally she would keep swimming, but it's nearly seven. She doesn't want Makoto to get into trouble if one of the lingering teachers catches them on school grounds this late.
Haruka stops, moving her arms in minute circles to keep herself afloat as she stares at the other girl. "What are you doing?"
"Waiting to walk you home." Makoto says. Her arms are wrapped around her knees, drawn up to her chest, and her chin rests atop them. In the waning light of the setting sun, she looks alluring. "I've been here for a while."
It strikes a chord within Haruka that she hadn't noticed her girlfriend sitting there until now. She doubts she'll ever stop being sorry for ignoring Makoto's presence all those years.
She's in the furthermost lane, so she ducks underneath the ropes that divide the pool until she reaches the other side, resting her forearms on the white grating that covers the drains.
Makoto smiles lazily. Her eyes are half-lidded and glazed with exhaustion. She seems more tired than usual lately, and Haruka doesn't know what to make of it. "Watcha doin'?"
"Nothing." Haruka replies, taking off her cap and goggles and setting them down on the concrete. Just sit still and let me look at you. "You shouldn't have waited. You need sleep."
"Not really. I think better when I'm tired."
"You overthink when you're tired."
"Mm, maybe." Makoto sighs, and her eyes slide shut. "Still. I wouldn't be a very good girlfriend if I let you walk home by yourself in the dark."
Haruka is chest-deep in cold, chlorine-scented water, but her body still manages to heat up at the words. "I think you're more concerned about walking home in the dark than I am."
"You got me."
Haruka smiles to herself, kicking her legs idly. She'd meant to convince Makoto to go home, but she's all too content to just relax here until night closes in completely. Sleep does sound appealing, it's just a shame that Makoto won't be there when she wakes up.
Makoto has downright inhuman body heat, so sleeping underneath blankets with her is like stepping into a bathhouse, but Haruka doesn't mind one bit. Things have been cold in her life for far too long.
"Hey, Haru?" Makoto's eyes are open again. She still looks tired, but there's something quietly apprehensive about her expression. "Can I kiss you?"
Haruka blinks a few times before frowning. "You don't have to ask."
Makoto's grin is consuming, and as she pushes herself to her feet, all Haruka can think is that she wants the other girl to hurry the hell up and kiss her already.
"It's only polite." Makoto points out as she crouches above Haruka, finds that the angle isn't productive, and gets down on her knees instead. Her jeans are most likely getting soaked, and Haruka wonders for the first time what Makoto did in the hours between now and when school ended, if she went home to change and came back or just brought clothes to change into before she left her house that morning. "And if I don't give myself rules, I think I'll go crazy."
Haruka lifts an eyebrow. "You have rules for kissing me?"
Makoto braces her palms on the edge of the pool and leans down, brunette tendrils of her hair slipping off her shoulders to frame her face. Haruka is careful to keep her expression neutral. "Only one or two." Makoto says, lips quirked in a half smile. She also becomes more flippant with what she says when she's tired. "Just enough to keep things Ren and Ran friendly."
"You nerd." Haruka says, using her upper arm strength to hoist herself up.
She undershoots things and ends up bumping her nose roughly against Makoto's chin, but Haruka is used to pain, so she doesn't let it stop her from searching out her girlfriend's lips. Makoto hums with laughter at her eagerness, and she slides a hand around the back of Haruka's neck, keeping her close.
Makoto's lips are as warm as the rest of her, sending a jolt tearing straight down Haruka's spine, and she can't help but wonder what kind of "rules" Makoto has in place in her mind. She'll have to remember to ask her later.
So far, their kisses have been sweet and simple, and Makoto holds to that as she pulls away long before Haruka is ready, smiling from ear to ear.
"I don't think I'll ever get tired of that." She says, more than a little breathless, but when Haruka frowns, she's immediately concerned. "What's wr – "
Haruka throws her wet arms around the other girl's shoulders and muffles Makoto's shocked squeal with her own lips as she pulls her down into the pool, clothes and all.
Really. It's Makoto's own fault for being adorable.
A.N. Ik Makoto getting pulled into the pool is cliche and probably overdone but it was fucking adorable, leave me be.
