One could argue—rather well, too—that Halloween was the best time during the Hogwarts school year. It was full of chattering, happy students, jack-o-lanterns grinning from the ceiling, and apple cider. Outside it was drizzling, the rain gently tapping on the windows. All of the horror in The Daily Prophet could have just been a really, really bad Halloween prank. Everyone seemed to treat it as such, not quite paying attention to the photos of blown-up houses or the news that a giant had tried to attack the ministry the day before. It was a lovely, cozy Sunday, and everyone seemed rather relieved.

Yet, there was a group missing from the Gryffindor table that morning.

Halloween was James' favorite holiday, Remus' least favorite, and it was rather plain to Sirius and Peter. The four of them were still in their dorm room late Sunday morning, James grinning excitedly as Peter's altered version of the pepperup potion was brewing. Sirius sat on their windowsill, trying to blow rings with his smoke, while Remus fiddled with the end of his beige jumper. The smell had faded but wearing it was pleasantly dizzying to him. The other Marauders had refrained from asking him about it, but now was their perfect opportunity.

"So how was Friday?" James asked deviously, leaning against the door to the dorm with a grin. Remus glanced up, unsure if he was addressing him.

"What?" Remus laughed gently, cocking a brow.

"Friday," James said matter-of-fact, jutting out his chin in a gesture to Remus, as if Friday were some tangible thing behind him. "You know. You were late to dinner. And last week you just disappeared."

Remus' face flushed and he let out an odd mix between a scoff and a laugh. His eyes dropped back down to his hands which were still fiddling with the bottom of his jumper.

"It's really nothing exciting," he said gently, but he suddenly felt electrified. Of course it was something. Remus wasn't very asocial, but he was still the kind of person who preferred to not be around brand new people. He figured that everyone was like that, though, that everyone had trouble meeting new people. Except for James, who seemed to thrive on attention and conversation.

"Sure it is," James said cheerfully, moving to flop down onto Remus' bed beside him, crossing his legs. "Come on. Who's the girl, eh?"

"There isn't a girl!" he insisted, his voice raising an octave or so. Remus rolled his eyes dramatically, trying not to reveal too much.

There was one thing that would never change about Remus, and that was the fact that he was an awful liar.

"Aw, leave him alone," Sirius laughed from his windowsill, tapping the ash into a small shell-shaped ashtray. "If he had a girlfriend, he would tell us. It's Moony."

"One would also think that he would tell us if he just decided to bail one Friday afternoon," piped up Peter bitterly. He sat cross-legged on the floor, stirring the potion with a scowl on his face. James and Sirius had been whispering about it for the entire week, mostly ignoring Peter as they did so, and he was sick of it. It was Halloween, why couldn't they just joyfully plot pranks together?

Remus, however, looked like a mix between being humiliated and guilty. His eyes stayed on his jumper, feeling a bit invisible as his friends talked about him as if he weren't there. He didn't have a good reason for not telling them other than that he was worried it wasn't legitimate. He was worried he would tell them about the jumper, about how a gentle girl had snuck out just to see him, and they'd tell him it meant nothing. He wasn't big on crushing on girls. Usually, at any sign of romantic interest, he would panic and convince himself that they could do so much better and tried to avoid them at all costs. This was different. It was an entirely different situation. And it had so much potential to mean nothing.

And he was scared to death.

"We're just worried," James said finally, and Remus looked up, his green eyes wide.

"Why are you worried?" he laughed awkwardly, and James looked at him as though that were the dumbest question he had ever heard.

"We just… we don't want you to get hurt, Moony," he explained, his voice insistent. "We don't want you to like someone who isn't trustworthy, you know?"

Remus immediately snorted and started laughing, the three of them looking worriedly at him. Had they finally broke Remus?

"Not trustworthy? Merlin, she's a Hufflepuff, she's literally the most trustworthy person!" he chuckled, not even realizing he had let it slip. James and Sirius shared a completely shocked look.

"Knew it," Peter snorted from the ground, smirking.

Later that day, Narelle sat in the Hufflepuff common room, watching Janine pace as she passed her broomstick back and forth between her hands. She was the center chaser for the Hufflepuff team and, recently, had been practicing extra to try and beat Gryffindor. The year before, Gryffindor won the Quidditch cup and she was livid. Today, though, her broom wasn't out with fresh polish because of Qidditch—she was planning something big, something glorious, something that needed Narelle and Aria's help.

"How are we going to light fireworks without getting expelled?" she cried. Her hair was in its natural state—straight and falling down to her mid back, her brown eyes wide and her lower lip pouted. "I don't want to get expelled but Oliver—you know Oliver, the cute Ravenclaw?—well, he was like, 'You know, Janine, fireworks sound super groovy, let's do that for Halloween!' Fireworks!"

"'Groovy'?" Aria whispered to Narelle, who shrugged.

"And, I mean, he's just so darned cute, I got all fuddle-brained and was like, Yeah, Oliver! Fireworks sound great! But how in the hell am I supposed to get fireworks in the air, huh? Without Dumbledore himself stomping up to my dorm and being like, guess who's expelled! It's you, Janine McCormick! Pack your hair curlers."

"You need to relax," Narelle laughed a bit, grinning sweetly at Janine. She shot a look at Narelle before sighing loudly and slumping into the chair, rubbing a nick on her broom.

"He's just so cute," she whined, pouting at her friends. "And hunky. I mean, he's a beater for the quidditch team. And he likes the Kenmare Kestrels! Even though he's British!"

"Sounds like a keeper," Narelle joked, grinning at her terrible pun. Aria rolled her eyes and Janine looked exceptionally displeased. "Sorry, sorry. Look, why do we have to light fireworks outside? I mean, personally, I think it would be much more impressive if we managed to do it in the common room."

"And run the risk of killing Professor Sprout's plants?" Aria laughed bitterly, the three of them glancing at all of the hanging foliage in the Hufflepuff common room. "She would find a way to make that expellable, trust me."

The three grew quiet, frowning slightly as they studied the common room. The only others in the room were two 5th years sitting away from them, whispering about their own Halloween plans over two mugs of hot apple cider. As the day continued, the rain increased, mixing with the sound of the crackling fire for a soothing, cozy background noise. It was a lovely common room, but not much for parties, although they had happened. Narelle could clearly remembered a large party when the Hufflepuffs won the Quidditch cup in her 4th year and everyone got particularly hammered, even herself. They still weren't Gryffindors—their parties were legendary, apparently.

At the thought of the Gryffindors, Narelle's mind wandered from how they could set off fireworks to Remus. To the sound of the whooshing fountain in the courtyard. His amused grin. His scars, pearly in the soft sunlight. One could only wonder where they had come from, and she was suddenly trying to decide how they got there. They had been there since he was a first year, hadn't they? She was so focused on trying to remember a younger Remus that she didn't even notice her friends further discussing the Halloween plan. She zoned out, her eyes on the rippling grass outside, lost in her own thoughts.

As mentioned earlier, Gryffindor parties were legendary. Legendary in the sense that everyone crowded in the Gryffindor common room. Silencing charms were placed on the portrait to keep the loud music to a minimum, which was courtesy of Sirius and a few other students, some in 7th year. Alcohol was obtained—by who, no one knew for sure, but it was there and it made everyone loose. People cheered, people laughed, people sang. Mostly everyone was dressed up for the occasion. The Marauders specifically had taken it upon themselves to dress up as each other, Remus sporting some large glasses and James' Quidditch robes. James was wearing a baggy shirt and awkwardly-blue jeans, courtesy of Peter, while Sirius wore one of Remus' jumpers and Peter wore a leather jacket, tight pants, and one of Sirius' band shirts.

The other three—James, Sirius, and Peter—were off entertaining. They were about as close to the life of a Gryffindor party as one could get. Lily Evans, who had started talking to James and Sirius a bit more, was laughing loudly beside them in a pirate's outfit. Remus, however, found himself moving awkwardly with the crowd, making his way over to the windows, a cup of firewhiskey in his hand. It tasted how he imagined sunbeams to and burning like fire as it made its way down his throat, his entire body feeling warm as he continued to drink it.

Typically, he would either be with the Marauders or chatting with someone by the table of food that was always set up even though it was after dinner. Tonight, though, he wanted to watch from the sidelines, to document this into his mind. He hadn't been thinking much about the war but… he remembered a conversation between him and Narelle the previous Friday. It was short and they veered off to sweets rather quickly, but it was fresh in his mind now.

"This is rubbish," Narelle had groaned, staring daggers at the goblet. She had managed to turn half of it into wine while Remus watched, amused. "What is the point of this? There's a war going on at our doorstep, and I'm sitting here turning this into wine. Fabulous."

"Funny," Remus had laughed, "you always seem to be yelling at James for being upset about not knowing more for you-know-who."

"It's different," Narelle insisted, looking up at Remus. "This is taking up some pretty darn good memory space. Charms and things—those are different. That kind of concentration is good for the war, but this? This is brain space I could be using for more important stuff. The freckles on Aria's face, the way lamb tastes at Hogwarts, the view of the stars from my window. Or my friend's favorite candy. I'm a fan of caramel, personally…"

This was the memory that made him stand underneath the window, watching everyone have fun. It was an almost uncomfortable experience, watching quite a few couples snogging while everyone attempted to dance drunkenly. James laughed loudly at something Lily had said, who had her hands on her hips with a proud grin on her face. Sirius' own expression had fallen as he looked around, which happened every time he was sure someone wasn't looking at him. Peter choked a bit on his alcohol as a couple tried to push past him and into the dorms.

It was nearly suffocating, watching all of these people with Remus' sudden thought:

They may all die soon.

If he had to be honest with himself, he panicked. He panicked, and he set his cup down, and he managed to sneak past everyone and to the portrait without being noticed. He panicked, and he opened the portrait, and suddenly he was walking down all of the stairs, trying to get away. Being alone was something he was good at, but running away wasn't.

All he could think of was what if they died? What if, one day, I live in a world without James? Without Sirius, without Peter? What if, one day, they die and I'm not by their side to die with them like we've planned since we were 11? The war is upon us—we all know it—but do we really know the outcome of war other than pictures of the deceased? What do we do if, God forbid, we lose everyone we love?

He didn't know where he was going. He had nothing on his mind except telling James, sitting on his bed at the Potter's house, that he couldn't just "waltz up" and kill you-know-who. James could. James could very well waltz up and try to kill him, but he would die in the process. Remus knew he would.

So he wandered. He wandered, listening to the sound of the rain on the windows. He wandered, past the Great Hall, planning on walking to the kitchens for some chocolate, but was instead met by a gaggle of giggling girls.

His steps faltered before stopping at the top of a few stairs that lead down to the Hufflepuff common room and, just past that, the kitchen. Sitting in front of the barrels were a couple of girls, their giggles high-pitched and jingly. He only recognized three of them—Aria Kilburne, Janine McChormick, and another girl who he was pretty positive was the Hufflepuff's Quidditch captain. Her hair was brown and cropped short, her face flushed as she laughed. In her hands was a bottle of firewhiskey and—Jesus, how did these underage students even get alcohol?

Aria looked up and saw Remus, her drunkenly giddy expression sobering up suddenly.

"Oh shit, oh shit, oh my God, we're so sorry, please don't tell Professor Sprout—!" she stammered, moving to scramble to her feet. He was confused for a second before realizing she thought he was on duty. Which, come to think of it, he probably should have been. Instead, he was wearing Quidditch robes that were surprisingly uncomfortable.

"Whoa, hey," he laughed awkwardly, holding up his hand. "Relax, I was just heading to the kitchens. I'm not a prefect for tonight."

"Oh, thank Merlin," Aria sighed, relieved, as she sank back onto the ground. He smiled awkwardly, walking down the stairs and almost past them, but she spoke up again. "Hey. Are you and Rellie a thing?"

He paused, his hands shoved in his pockets, and he turned towards her. The other girls—there was just one other from the three he knew—watched him carefully. He felt himself flush. To be quite honest, he had never heard her called Rellie, but was pretty positive they meant Narelle. They weren't anything, he was sure. They were two kids who helped each other with work and who had walked around together after midnight. Twice. So he decided to tell the truth.

"I help her with Transfiguration, that's all," he smiled.

"Hey," Aria said again, even though she didn't need to get his attention once more. "If you two do become a thing, can you hook me up with Sirius?"

"Great hair," the girl he didn't recognize nodded slowly with appreciation, staring off into the distance.

"Oh, yeah, definitely," the Quidditch girl agreed, widening her eyes at her friend. "It must be magic." She snorted and started laughing drunkenly at her own joke.

Remus, however, was suddenly extremely uncomfortable at the thought of getting Sirius a girl or two to shag. He'd be grateful, Remus knew that for sure, but he wasn't particularly comfortable with it. Not to mention that it would be the best friend of his possible girlfriend.

Except, it wasn't possible. Narelle wasn't a possible anything, she was just a girl.

"Uh," he laughed nervously, running a hand through his hair. "Sure thing, Aria. Sure thing. I've got to…" he trailed off, gesturing to the kitchen, and smiled politely before walking hurriedly away.

Aria shouted him a thank you before the girls started laughing at the bizarre conversation. He found himself soon tickling the pear of a portrait before climbing inside, relaxing at the calmness within the kitchens. A few house elves greeted him and he gently asked for just a small amount of chocolate and some apple cider. He sat down in front of the opening to the kitchens, watching them hurry about—washing dishes, preparing for the next day's breakfast, grabbing Remus some fresh food. He thanked them gently, daydreaming and mulling over everything as he slowly ate.

Remus wasn't sure how long he'd been in the kitchens, but when he left, the girls were gone. What was left of them was an empty bottle of firewhiskey. So as to not get them in trouble, he picked it up and carried it with him on his way to the Gryffindor dorms. Whatever alcohol had been in him was gone as he made his way up the stairs, glancing out the windows. The clouds had parted, revealing the quickly-waxing moon. The next full moon wouldn't be until the next Saturday and, as much as he hated full moons on weekends, he was always grateful for them. He wouldn't miss any class or need to catch up on any sleep… he would just be wasting a Saturday. In agony.

Of course, loads of Saturdays are wasted. Usually by doing things people don't enjoy, so wasn't that just agony, too?

He made his way silently into the common room. The party was still going, just as rowdy. He managed to get past people and to the dorms, hurrying up the steps without even glancing around for his friends.

They weren't difficult to find apparently, because as he was taking off his fake glasses, the real James Potter burst through the door. His face was flushed, his hair a mess, and he was not very steady on his feet.

"And where the hell did you go?" he demanded loudly, sounding shrill like Remus' mother.

"For a walk—" Remus started, but Sirius cut him off.

"Werewolf?" he called drunkenly, poking his head over James' shoulder. Remus blushed with embarrassment as Sirius' face lit up. "There wolf! Aha! James, we found Moony."

"Jesus Christ," Remus hissed, walking over and pulling the two of them inside before slamming the door shut. It was an old joke that Sirius found down-right hilarious when drunk, but gave Remus a burst of anxiety in case anyone sober overheard. Sirius lit himself a cigarette, flopping down onto his bed with a drunken grin, while James looked as though he were about to ground him. "I was on a walk," Remus explained again, slowly this time so it could fully go through James' drunken brain. Usually, James was too far gone to notice the snide tone in Remus' voice, but he wasn't that drunk tonight. Which was a surprise.

"You bailed on us," James pointed out, glaring when he detected Remus' snide voice.

"I got claustrophobic. I left."

"What, to meet the mysterious Hufflpuff girl you won't tell your best fucking friends about?" James snapped, gesturing angrily at Remus, whose expression fell to absolute shock.

"Jesus, Prongs," he shook his head. "If it were anything, I would tell you. You guys know that."

"No we don't!" James cried, rolling his eyes angrily. If it wasn't such a personal thing they were talking about, Remus would be rather amused by how James was acting like a 13 year old girl. "You've never had a crush before, Moony! Not really, anyway! And here you are, and we're worried about you. Do you know how bad you are at lying, for Merlin's sake? What if this girl looks at you and asks you what all the scars are about and then you just tell her because, oh, Moony's in love! And she turns out to be super terrible and untrustworthy! Then you've got a girl who is now terrified of you and now knows the worst thing about you!"

There was so much all at once. So many words, so many horribly insulting things, so many worries confirmed for Remus as he listened to James yell at him. His voice raised the more his spoke, gesticulating angrily as he did so, leaning forward towards Remus who took a step back. He didn't know what to respond to first. Remus opened his mouth to speak before closing it and thinking for a second.

"The worst thing about me?" he asked quietly, studying James' face, which fell suddenly earnest.

"Merlin, no, Remus," he said gently, his hazel eyes widening. "That's not what I—"

"You think," Remus spoke slowly, weighing his words, tasting the venom as they left his mouth. "You think that I can't be with someone because I'm too much of a monster."

"No—"

"Because, of course, she would be too untrustworthy and because I'm naïve enough to just tell her the 'worst thing about me'—"

"Christ, Moony, come on—"

"Maybe I've thought of this already, huh? Maybe I've already thought about it long before ever having a crush. You ever grown up knowing full well you could never be in love, Prongs? Huh? Have you ever realized that you couldn't risk such a thing just in case you were killed because you opened up to the wrong person?"

"Remus," James said quietly, begging.

"Sod off, James," Remus spat, no longer trying to hold back his rage and hurt. "I don't even like her. I don't even know her. You know what I know about her? She likes caramel and her parents were in Gryffindor. That's it! That's the extent of it! So don't you come in here yelling at me all worried because you think I'm in love, because you know god damn well that you would be able to tell."

The two stared at each other, James looking as though he had shrunk a bit while Remus shouted at him. Remus, on the other hand, looked like a mix between the verge of tears and literally being able to breathe fire. He stared James down until his hazel eyes dropped to the ground, looking at his hands shaking from the adrenaline and the alcohol. Sirius watched the two of them, not flinching when Remus shot him a look as well before he walked over to his bed. The two Marauders watched their best friend change into a baggy shirt and pull off James' Quidditch robes, throwing them angrily across the room onto his bed. Remus didn't say another word before grabbing his beige jumper, climbing into bed, and yanking the drapes closed.