Chapter Seven: My Promise


Even then, once I was at last "a part of something," I still felt the need to escape at times, and reverted into my characteristic isolation. Mostly I confined myself to the school library, not to do schoolwork so much as to hide from the chaotic mess that was my life.

It was on one such afternoon that I was startled by the unexpected touch of a tender hand on my shoulder.

Caught off guard and not used to being touched so gently, I gave an alarmed jump. The hand quickly withdrew itself, but the girl who had placed it there remained steadfast. I looked up at her accusingly, but something in her eyes soothed me.

I knew those eyes… Or at least I had sometime in a past that seemed so distant now. In a sea of strangers they had been the only friendly eyes that sought me out, and yet I could not quite place them.

"Andromeda?" The girl asked gently, "Don't you remember me… it's me, Adr-"

"Adriana?" I whispered. Now that I spoke her name, I didn't know how I had not realized instantly, "Is it really?"

"Why of course it is. Who else would it be, silly?" She teased, but her face glowed with warm pleasure.

"It's really you…" I felt as if I had been reunited with an old friend whom I had long accepted I would never be able to see again. Now that I thought of it, as a matter of fact, I felt as if she had disappeared from my life the moment that I had been sorted into Slytherin. It seemed too obviously simple now – I could have gone to her any one of those many times when I had felt so alone. But I, of course, had not.

"I… I…" I began, not knowing what to say.

She put a finger over her lips, mimicking the glare of the school's harsh librarian and laughed, "Come on, we can talk outside." She grabbed me by the wrist and we both hurried out of the library and into the halls.

Once outside, we filled our eyes with each other, trying to fill in the blanks that we had missed since we had last seen each other. She had definitely grown. When I first met her she had looked as if she would get trampled by the real world, but something about her had matured. She still had that same youthful innocence and sweetness that made her so darling, and yet there was something in her that said that she was ready to fight the dirty world with every bit of her petite strength. Aside from this improved confidence and maturity, physically she looked very much the same, give or take an inch – she even wore the same cheap sapphire necklace I had noticed hen we first met!

I wondered what she saw as she gazed at me so deeply.

"Oh, Andromeda…" She said gently, as she stretched out her arms to embrace me.

I quickly backed out of the way of her arms, "Oh don't. That's awkward… sorry."

She stared at me for a moment and then nodded, "That is okay. I understand." I wondered briefly if she really did, but did not articulate my reservations.

There was a silence in which neither of us spoke, and then she whispered, "I missed you, Andromeda."

I nodded, "Yes, I know." She looked up at me inquiringly, and then I said, "I mean… and I suppose I missed you too."

She frowned. "Is everything all right Andromeda?"

"Of course it is. Why would anything be wrong?"

She said nothing, but I could tell that something in her was worried. Not wanting the discussion to fall onto everything that was wrong in my life, I quickly said, "Tell me about yourself, Adriana. I want to know everything that has happened to you since we last saw each other."

Adriana went slightly pink. "Everything? My, that really is quite a lot. But I suppose… Well, really nothing much has happened. Nothing exciting anyway. I have been learning a lot in school of course, and I think it is all quite fascinating… My parents keep sending me letters demanding to know everything as well, though I never do know just what to tell them! And I have made some new friends… I have missed you so much though!"

I nodded as she spoke. Even from just her brief summary, Adriana's first two years at Hogwarts seemed so different from my own. While I was constantly plagued with self doubt and anxiety, she was having a jolly old time and enjoying every minute of it.

Finally she concluded, with the inevitable question I had been dreading, "What about you? I'm sure you have done so much as well."

She gazed at me expectantly, but I simply shrugged my shoulders, "Oh, I don't know… just school I guess."

She frowned slightly, and said, "But surely something must have…"

"All right, all right, "I snapped, "What do you want to know?"

She looked quite startled, but answered honestly, "Well, frankly, I want to know about these people you are hanging out with… I have heard quite a bit about this Estrella girl and her friends."

I didn't look at her, and focused my attention upon my fingers, muttering, "Yeah, I bet you would have…"

I did not see her reaction, but from the silence I could tell that she was thinking carefully. Finally she said what I knew would have come out in only a matter of time, "I heard about what you did to that poor little first year…"

I said nothing. What was there to say? Would she even be able to understand anyway? How could she, whose Hogwarts experience had been filled with nothing but friends, giggles, and schoolwork?

"Andromeda? Please… why won't you talk to me?"

I said nothing.

"Why won't you speak? Please, I only want to – "

I stamped my foot suddenly down and shouted, "Because you won't understand, that's why! Because you want everything to be… happy and all daisies and flowers, but it's not. Because you don't know how to suffer. You haven't been hurting all of this time like I have! You don't know what it is like to have nowhere to turn to, nobody who understands you. You don't understand what it is like to need to be accepted, and to have to do whatever it takes to get noticed. You don't know what it is like to have the people you care about the most, your own sister, wish that you didn't even exist and weren't always getting in the way. You… you don't understand anything!"

I couldn't see her. I couldn't see at all. My eyes were fogged with tears, and the world was swimming before me in a mad whirl. Somewhere out of the darkness a pair of tender arms reached out wrapped themselves around me. Once again I tried to resist and pull away, but they held me strong and steadfast, a remarkable feat for such a small girl.

I slowly gave in, and instead of trying to escape from her sheltering arms, I let the tears come freely, falling constantly from my eyes as I let out all that I had been holding inside for so long.

It took a long time, but finally, when it felt as if there could not possibly be any tears left inside me, I began to quiet down, "Oh, Adriana…" I moaned, "There is just so much that… that…. I just don't know…"

She rubbed my back gently and rocked me back and forth, "I know…" She whispered softly, "I know…"

We stood there for what felt like forever, and finally, when my sobs had long fallen to silence, I felt as if I had to say something.

I slowly broke myself away from her comforting arms, avoiding eye contact, dried the tears off of my face with my sleeve, and then at last spoke, making a great effort to control the wavering of my voice. "I feel like there is so much… that I don't mean to let happen. But I don't know how to stop it and so it happens anyway and I don't have any control, and then I can't stop anything… And I just don't know what to do."

She looked as if she would have well liked to reach out and embrace me again, but she held back, and I was grateful for it. Instead she spoke to me, "It is all right." She said, "You don't need to have all the answers… I can help you."

I instinctively reached my arm up to my face again to dry my tears, and when I had finished I nodded, "Thank you Adriana. That… that really does mean a lot."

We stood there in silence for a while until I had calmed down reasonably enough, and then she said, "Come on; let's go outside where there's some fresh air, shall we? It'll do you good."

I obeyed, following her dully out of the castle and onto the grounds, where the sun blazed so fiercely that I had to shield my eyes until I grew accustomed to the sudden surge of light of the outdoors.

It did feel nice to walk along under the cloudless skies with Adriana, and the ground was so soft beneath my feet that for a foolish moment I felt tempted to fling off my shoes and feel the fresh sting of grass between my toes. I resisted however, and continued walking simply along with my friend at my side.

We walked in silence, enjoying the fine day and each other's company. We said nothing and did not stop walking. We circled the populated area of the grounds once, twice… I wasn't certain how many times.

Everything kind of just felt at ease, right. I again wondered vaguely why I had not immedietley thought of Adriana every time that I had been feeling down and alone.

Her mind however, did not seem to be quite as at ease. Finally she could hold her tongue no longer and stopped walking, "Look Andromeda – there is something that I still want to know… and I think that you need to really think about it as well."

I turned to her with modest curiosity, "What is it?"

Not looking straight at me, she said, "Well… It is just these people that you hang out with. Your sister and this Estrella. Now, I don't know enough about any of them to be making any kind of judgments, but…. Well, they simply do not seem like the kind of people who…"

"Who what?" I asked. I could not understand what she was getting at, but I could feel my mind hardening. I did not want to know.

She gave me an aggravated look, and tried to go on, "Oh, you know… They just don't seem like the most… positive influences. I don't understand why – how they mean so much to you. What is it that makes you torture yourself so much for their sakes?"

I crossed my arms, "She is my sister. Are you saying that I should treat her as if –"

"Oh no, no!" she said quickly, "I didn't say that. I get that she is your sister and that you must have a certain respect for her… But to me it seems as if it sometimes gets to the point of… excessiveness – almost unhealthy, you know?"

I did not know why she was saying these things. I wanted her to stop, even if it meant that I had to make her. But I was held back by that persistent endearing glow that was painted upon her young face.

Instead I simply scowled as she continued, "What is it about her?" she begged to know, "Why do you chase after her like this when you know she is determined not to pay you any attention?"

Finally fed up, I spoke, "You've never had a sister, have you? Clearly not. And definitely not a sister like Bella. You just don't understand. She is… everything. She is confident, talented… She always knows what to say and do… Everybody looks up to her… She is as close as somebody could get to flawless… Her only flaw is that she doesn't care about me." I muttered the last phrase as an afterthought, but quickly rose my voice again afterwards, "But that isn't the point! Don't you see? She is everything that I wish I could be… and everything that I am not."

I glanced at Adriana. Her face had softened, but she did not speak. Unable to stand the silence, I went on, "And as for Estrella and the rest of them… It is the same thing. I suppose that you wouldn't see it, but when I look at that girl, I see something special. Something of my sister. I figure that if I can get Estrella to accept me and see that I am worth something, then maybe, just maybe, the same is possible for Bella."

I took a breath and went on, saying words that I didn't even know I had in me, "And it isn't even all about her. Sure she is my sister and means a ton to me, but there is something more… I need… I need to belong someplace. I'm sure that maybe your childhood was all hugs and cookies, but mine sure wasn't. There were so many things that I never got, and part of that is this feeling that you think I'm so silly for chasing – of acceptance. Of belonging."

I could say no more. I had revealed so much more than I had ever intended, even more than I had ever realized I had inside me.

But Adriana showed no signs of wanting me to go on. She hesitated only an instant before reaching out her hand and taking hold of mine. She looked me straight in the eye and said quite simply, "I see."

I gave her an uncertain look, "Do you?"

She nodded, "Yes. I cannot choose who you seek shelter and acceptance with. I can only hope that you know that you will always belong wherever I am… And that neither of us will ever get hurt because of this."

I was stunned by her words, "Oh, Adriana… I could never hurt you!"

She shook her head gravely, "It isn't me that I am worried about."