Disclaimer: I don't own Jack, or Will, or the other…very interesting characters parading through this chapter. You'll probably know the ones I stole when you see them.
Congratulations to ElizabethK, who got last chapter's quote correct! The line was "You make friends with us, you make enemies of others," and was said by Roux in Chocolat. [glomps Roux] Love him! There's another quote in this chapter, it's a bit random but if you've seen the movie I think you'll recognize it…
Dreadfully sorry this took so long to come up, I've been, well, dreadfully busy. Hopefully shall be able to rectify the slow posting now that summer vacation is fast approaching!
Chapter the Seventh
Jack and Will continued through the cornfield, as should come as no surprise, since that's what they've been doing for several chapters now. The modus operandi at present was to keep going until something stopped them. If nothing had stopped them, it would have been a very dull story and you can stop reading now. But fortunately something stopped them quite quickly.
Turning a corner in the row of corn, they came suddenly upon a group of men who…well, they certainly weren't pirates. They would have been only slightly more probable in Camelot.
"Ah…'ello," Jack said in greeting, addressing himself to the extraordinarily tall fellow at the front of the group.
A response was swift. Said tall fellow glared down at Jack and Will, and, in what was obviously meant to be a menacing tone, loudly said, "Ni!"
Jack and Will stared at him. A long moment passed. Obviously something was expected from them.
"Um…eek?" Jack said doubtfully.
This was apparently satisfactory. "We are the Knights Who Say Ni!" the tall knight announced in a shrill voice.
Jack gasped theatrically. "Not the Knights Who Say Ni!"
Will blinked at him. "Who?"
Jack shrugged. "I dunno. They seem to expect cringing though."
"Right," Will said skeptically, then asked the Tall Knight, "So, who are you exactly?"
"We are the Keepers of the Sacred Words…Ni…Peng…and Nee-wom! We greet thee, noble knights, on thy noble quest!"
Jack blinked, an expression of deep distaste crossing his face. "Us? Noble knights? Us?"
"Just go with it," Will muttered.
"But I'm a pirate," Jack muttered back.
"Yes, Jack, but—"
"I don't wanna be a knight."
"Yes, Jack, but—"
"They've got this chivalry, honor, code thing going on."
"Yes, Jack, but—"
"And rules, they've got rules. Not guidelines, rules."
"Yes, Jack, but—"
"All this…ceremony, and regulations about fighting, and respect for yer opponent, not laughing at their wigs and stuff."
"Yes, Jack, but—"
"It's just not true to the true me, y'know?"
"JACK!"
Jack smiled sweetly. "Yes?"
Will took a deep breath, and tried to remember what it was he had been planning to say. "Jack…you know what would be very true to the true you?"
"What's that?"
"Telling them you're a knight when you're not a knight."
Jack's eyes lit up. "Heeey…" He turned his attention back to the Knights of Ni, who had been watching the muttered conversation with faintly puzzled expressions. "Okay. Noble knights on a noble quest. Nice to meet ye."
"A noble quest!" the tall knight repeated in shrill tones. "And what is the object of your quest?"
"The object of our quest?" Will repeated. "Ah…"
Jack didn't hesitate. "The way out."
Will looked at him doubtfully. The Knights of Ni did not.
"Ah, the way out," the tall knight said dramatically. "Many seek this. Few succeed."
Jack's eyes narrowed. "So where is the way out?"
The knight shrugged. "Take a left behind us, turn right at the third cornstalk, stay to the left until you reach the dead cornstalk, then turn right and you're there."
"Sounds good, thanks, we'll be going." Jack started down the path.
"HALT."
Jack blinked. "What?"
"The Knights of Ni demand a sacrifice!" the Knight announced.
Jack frowned. "Why?"
"Because…we're the Knights of Ni and we demand a sacrifice."
Jack shrugged. "Oh." He thought about it. "What if we refuse?"
The tall knight looked at him askance. "Ni!"
Jack looked at him doubtfully. "Yeah?"
"Ni!" the tall knight said urgently, the others joining in. "Ni! Ni!"
Jack remembered his part. "Oh, right…eek. Help. Someone save me."
Though it was delivered in a monotone, the knights were satisfied. "If you do not appease us, we shall say 'Ni!' to you again!" the tall knight informed them.
"More to the point, ye won't let us by if we don't appease you?" Jack asked, checking for confirmation.
"That too."
Jack considered the matter. "Well. That's a bit of a conundrum."
Will leaned over. "We could try to appease them."
Jack frowned. "That's not very pirate-like. Bet we could take 'em in a fight."
"Jack, we already have enough enemies around here."
"Yeah, well…"
Will addressed the Knights. "What, exactly, is this sacrifice you demand?"
"You must bring us…a shrubbery." Dramatic music rang through the cornfield.
"A shrubbery?" A light bulb spontaneously lit over Will's head.
"A shrubbery?" Jack said doubtfully. "Okay." He grabbed Will by the arm and started back along the row. "Grab your light bulb and let's go look for a shrubbery."
"One that looks nice," the tall knight called after them.
"Right," Jack tossed over his shoulder.
"And not too expensive."
"Sure."
"And one that can handle lots of shade."
"Uh-huh."
"Make sure it can be safely transplanted."
"We'll get you the shrubbery, okay?" Jack snapped, and continued on.
They didn't go on an immediate quest for a shrubbery though. Instead they came to a halt only a little way back along the row, just out of sight of the Knights of Ni.
"This is ridiculous," Jack announced, looking disgusted. "Besides appeasing being un-pirate-like, where are we going to find a shrubbery in a cornfield?"
Will looked faintly smug. "We already have a shrubbery, Jack."
Jack blinked. "What?"
Will silently pointed at the bonsai tree Jack had tucked under one arm.
Jack was horrified. "We can't give them Hector!"
"Jack, it's the perfect solution."
"And anyway, he's a tree," Jack said stiffly.
"That other guy, Roger, he thought it was a shrubbery. I think these, ah, Knights would accept it."
"Doesn't matter. He's a tree."
"He's too small to be a tree," Will said reasonably.
"He doesn't know that."
Will didn't bother trying to address that issue. "Jack, why not just give them the tree and get out of here? I'm sure they'll take good care of him."
"No," Jack said stubbornly.
"I don't understand, you kept trying to give him away!"
"SSH! He'll hear you!" Jack hissed.
"Jack, trees don't have ears!"
"How do you know? Were you ever a tree?"
Will was trying hard to hang onto the ragged edge of sanity. "Jack, this is completely absurd. You're getting way too attached here! It's just a plant!"
"Now you've done it," Jack said in a grieved tone. "You've hurt his feelings."
Will gave up. "All right. Fine. What do you want me to do about it, apologize?"
"That would be a good start," Jack agreed.
"I'm not going to apologize to a tree!"
"I don't know why not. He's a very nice tree."
"Fine, so we won't give him to the Knights of Ni."
"Good," Jack approved. "We'll give the Knights of Ni something else."
So they trooped back to see if there was anything else they could give the Knights of Ni.
"Have you brought…the shrubbery?" the foremost knight asked, as dramatic music crashed through the cornfield, knocking over a few stalks.
"Nope, couldn't find one," Jack said evenly.
"That looks like…a shrubbery," the Knight said, eyes on Hector, dramatic music echoing.
Jack bristled. "He's a tree."
"He looks like…a shrubbery." A dramatic chord sounded. "And we want…a shrubbery." The dramatic chord repeated.
"Why does everyone want my tree?" Jack demanded. "'cause ye can't have him!"
"Then we will not let you by."
Will decided it might be a good time to step in. "Listen, Knights of Ni—"
"We are no longer the Knights Who Say Ni," the tall knight interrupted. "We are now the Knights Who Say…Ecky-ecky-ecky-patong-whoop-pong-oui."
Will blinked. "You're the Knights Who Say…WHAT?"
"Ecky-ecky-ecky-patong-whoop-pong-oui, weren't you listening?" Jack asked.
Will stared at him.
"Right." Jack looked back at the Knights. "No shrubbery. Anything else we can do for ye?"
The Knights consulted with each other, and reached a conclusion.
"You must cut down the mightiest cornstalk in the field, with…a herring!" Dramatic music sounded once more.
"Now wait a minute, I'm a pirate, I know fish, that's…" Jack frowned. "Well, that's a mighty strange use for a fish."
"Strange?" Will repeated. "That's impossible!"
"Not probable," Jack corrected.
Will wasn't interested in being corrected. "That's impossible. It can't be done."
The Knights Who Say Ecky-ecky-ecky-patong-whoop-pong-oui shrieked. "He said The Word! AUGH! He said The Word!"
Jack and Will looked at each other. "What'd you do now?" Jack asked.
"Said the word, apparently," Will said with a shrug.
"He has said The Word the Knights of Ni must never hear," the tall knight said, shaken.
"Hold up, I thought you were now the Knights Who Say Ecky-ecky-ecky-patong-whoop-pong-oui," Jack pointed out.
Will was mildly unnerved. "Jack, stop saying that."
"Why? It's fun to say. Ecky-ecky-ecky-patong-whoop-pong-oui," Jack pronounced with obvious relish.
"NO," the tall knight broke in. "Only I may do that."
"Do what? Say Ecky-ecky-ecky-patong-whoop-pong-oui?"
"Jack, that's enough," Will said.
"Come on, Will, lighten up, this is fun. Ecky-ecky—"
"Jack!"
"—ecky-patong-whoop—"
"Can we get back to the herring?!" the tall knight shouted over Jack's recitation.
"That's still impossible," Will said firmly.
"Not probable."
"Do you know how many days that would take?"
"Wait, wait, let me figure that out!" Jack volunteered. His eyes shut in concentration. "Width of the cornstalk, compared to width of the fish…"
"Um, Jack…"
"…if you strike the fish 30 times per minute…" Jack's eyes opened. "I've got the answer."
"You've got what?" Will asked warily.
"How many days that'll take."
Will knew—KNEW—that he shouldn't ask. But he did. "How many?"
Jack's response was prompt. "One thousand, five hundred, and two."
Will looked at Jack. Jack looked at Will. "Right then," Will said finally, then pointedly turned back to the Knights. "It can't be done."
The Knights shrieked. "AUGH! He said The Word! He said The Word!"
"You did it again," Jack told Will.
"AUGH! Now he said The Word!"
Jack blinked. "I said it?"
"AUGH! He said it again! AUGH! Now I said it! AUGH! I said it again!" The Knights continued shrieking and writhing.
Jack leaned over to Will, and, in a loud stage whisper, said, "Let's sneak past while they're distracted."
"Let's," Will agreed.
Jack elaborately tiptoed past the shrieking Knights, one hand on his hat, the other on his tree. Will rolled his eyes and followed at his normal walk.
They got away. Left the Knights writhing and shrieking and continued on through the rows of corn, taking a left behind the Knights of Ni, then taking a right at the third cornstalk.
"Well, that was a strange experience," Jack commented as they continued along.
"Oh, I don't know," Will mused, "compared to some things we've bumped into in here, they were practically ordinary. I mean, compared to the mattress, and the flying bowl, and…Jack, are you listening to me?"
"Not really." Jack was busy looking at a curious object lying on the ground partway down the row. He bent over and picked it up. It appeared to be a bag. With lots of little, bright colored…things. "I think they're bears. Squishy…bears." To the modern readership, we can safely call them gummy bears.
Will looked at him doubtfully. "Bears. Right, Jack."
"I'm serious! 'ere, I'll show ye." Jack grasped each side of the bag, and tugged. No result.
"Want me to try that?" Will offered.
"No. I'm fine." Jack continued frantically yanking on the bag. (Think of the sword in the wall…)
"I don't think you should do that…" Will cautioned.
"I'm fine." Jack gave one particularly violent yank, and the bag popped. Gummy bears flew everywhere, falling to the ground in a gentle, multi-colored rain.
There was a long moment of silence. Then Jack bent over, and picked up a single red gummy bear between his thumb and forefinger, and handed it to Will.
"'ere. It's a bear."
Will looked at the bear in the palm of his hand, and nodded. "Yes."
"I wonder what ye do with these," Jack mused, glancing at the bears as he plucked them out of his hair.
"I don't know. Do you really think they're good for any—" A green bear bounced off Will's chest.
"I got it!" Jack said triumphantly. "They're a peculiar sort of weaponry!"
Will sighed. "Jack, I don't think—" An orange bear hit him in the head. "Jack, stop that!" Will ordered as a yellow bear struck his forehead. "This isn't funny, Jack!" A green bear bounced off his chin.
"Really? I think it's funny," Jack said, as he disentangled a pink bear from one of his braids and expertly bounced it off Will's nose.
Will glowered at Jack and tried to look threatening, an effect somewhat diminished by the three bears flying at him in quick succession. Finally, Will sighed. There was obviously only one thing to do.
Will bent down, picked up the nearest gummy bear, and hurled it at Jack.
Jack ducked. "Missed!" he said gleefully, pelting Will with more bears.
To which there was no response but for Will to continue throwing bears at Jack, who continued hurling them back, and soon a sizeable war had developed.
The battle of the bears might have gone on for some time. But then someone coughed. A few more bears flew and then Jack and Will both realized something. Neither of them had coughed. In unison they turned. And found a couple of very unfriendly looking soldiers in brilliant red shirts.
Jack and Will looked at the soldiers, then looked at the various-colored gummy bears they were holding, then looked at each other. They came to the same conclusion at the same moment.
The Navy found themselves dealing with an assault by a weapon for which they had no training in defense. As the multi-colored missiles struck, the soldiers flung themselves to the ground. However, it was only a moment before they realized something rather on the important side. Namely, that the multi-colored missiles were completely non-lethal. From there it was but a moment's step to picking up the gummy bears and looking at them. And then it was but another moment's step before there were gummy bears gleefully flying in both directions.
It was quite the most cheerful encounter between pirates and Navy in recent memory. If it had progressed, it might have revolutionized warfare. But it didn't. Jack aimed a little too well, and hit a navyman in the eye with a red gummy bear. Said navyman was displeased. Very much so. So he drew his sword. In an instant three more swords were unsheathed. And then the battle was on.
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More soon. And just so you know, the Knights of Ni were stolen from Monty Python and the Search for the Holy Grail, a very irreverent but very funny movie.
