Playin' the Love Game
Chapter 7
By the Unlucky-Charm
He knew it unwise and unnatural, but curiosity got the best of him and Kenny really couldn't see anything wrong by letting his soul linger just a little bit longer on the planet. In the corner of one of the enormous church walls, he floated, watching over the events happening below him. He thought it only fair for him, after so much work, to at least be able to watch the results of his endeavours before leaving for...um, beyond.
They didn't hold funerals for him anymore. After all, his parents were dirt poor and buying a casket once a month wasn't helping much at all. Basically, what would happen at his 'ceremonies' was that his closest friends would gather around his urn (which happened to be a Tupperware this time) and gather up his things. Kyle would usually take his clothes and get them washed, depending on how crude God's humour had decided to get. As for his things, Butters would take them back to his house until he returned from...um, beyond.
"God, I'm fucking hungry. Does Kinny have anything in his bag?" The fat boy whined, reaching out to snatch the old knapsack from the small blonde's hands.
"Lemme check." He mumbled, balancing the bag on his knee to rummage inside of it.
Butters began sliding his hand in between books and papers, obviously not finding anything because if there was ever food in that bag, it would have already been eaten.
"I can't- ugh, find anything, Eric. There's this huge notebook taking up all the place." Butters grunted and pulled out none other than the cherished notebook. Kenny watched in horror as his best friend tossed the thing to the ground, the pages flying open before it hit the ground, crumpled and deformed.
"Oops sorry, can someone get that?"
'No, no, please God no.' Kenny prayed as Craig Tucker bent over to pick up the book.
"Hey, that's got my name." He said casually and picked it up. "Yours too Tweek." He added, looking up at his best friend who, by the way, had made it a point to stand as far away as he could allow it from Craig, which pathetically enough, was but a 3 feet distance.
"Agh! What? Why? Does he hate me?"
Craig ignored his babbling and went on with reading the page, which Kenny hoped was not one of the creepy ones, because if it was, he would just have to prolong his stay in the...um, beyond.
Craig's face was like a cartoon. Slowly going from completely stoic to absolutely furious and embarrassed in the matter of seconds. Kenny could see his expression change with every perverted or inappropriate blow his notes would throw at him. The end result was a very, very unhappy looking Tucker boy.
"What. The. Fuck. McCormick MUST DIE." He growled, his fingers trying to dig into the paper, making it crumple all the more.
"Agh! He's already dead!" Tweek squeaked and gently pulled out the journal from Craig's grasp to look at it for himself.
He had probably only read the first line before-"HOLY SHIT. SO. MUCH. PRESSURE." The notebook was on the ground again as Tweek's hands suddenly became busy clutching at his hair.
"Guys, what the fuck is wrong with you?" Token asked, picking it up, as if it was his turn to take a peak at the damn thing.
After having flipped through it a little, the rich boy seemed a little taken aback. "It has like...chapters." He stated.
'Separations' Kenny corrected, but what was the use? He was beyond screwed already, he wasn't sure if changing 'chapters' to 'separations' would ease the tension...or Craig's massive frown.
"Chapters?" Clyde leaned in over his friend's shoulder.
"Yeah...Stan and Kyle, Craig and Tweek...Oh, here's me and you."
"Where?"
"See, right after Christophe and Gregory."
Obviously, Token hadn't yet fully read the contents of the journal, therefore was a little bit more relaxed when enumerating these pairings.
"That's sick!" Tweek screeched, avoiding Craig's eyes.
"Just read your 'chapter' and then let's see how fascinating you find this shit, Mr. Smartass." Craig officially lost his cool and began fuming beside his best friend.
"Fine." Clyde said as if he was challenged and began reading as fast as...well, as fast as Clyde could.
They both began reading intensely, but their chapter didn't seem to be very long because it didn't take much time for Clyde to lose all colour in his face; even Token somehow looked whiter.
"Dude. Guys, I swear," Token began, lifting his hand up to his chest. "none of this stuff is-"
"Oh my God, how does he know!" Clyde cut him off with his loud, obnoxious voice, dropping the book to the floor to add to all his racket.
"It's not true!" Token yelled angrily into his best friend's face, then turning to the rest of the crowd, desperately repeating himself. "It's not true."
When Kenny pushed aside the idea of him being murdered the second he returned to earth, the situation was actually really funny. Who knew a few words he had written would have gotten Token Black so easily flustered and Clyde Donovan so very confused. Then again, Clyde Donovan was confused by the concept of a hat, so there really was no victory there.
By the time Clyde had calmed down and Token had failed to convince his friends of his innocence, Kyle was halfway through his very own chapter.
"Stan. He knew." The redhead said in all seriousness.
"Knew what?" Stan said, unsure if he really wanted to know. Things that usually only Kenny McCormick would know, were also usually better left unsaid.
"The rat bastard knew all along."He said, that dangerous, fiery blush rising in his cheeks.
"He...seriously? For how long?" Stan asked, trying to snatch out the book from his crush's hands, only to give up when Kyle clearly wasn't even close to letting go.
"A little too long for my liking." He hissed through clenched teeth.
"Oh, wow."
"I know. He's such an ASS."
"No, I mean wow, you seriously look hot right now." Stan said, tilting his head slightly to the side, looking like a lost owl.
"Stan! Not the time!"
"Well, at least one of the chapters doesn't lie." Token puffed, acting so fed up with the whole concept of him and his best friend being fuck buddies. As true as it was, he would deny it, all the way to his grave, no matter how many stupid revelations Clyde made.
"We should seriously show this to Chris and Greg too." Butters suggested.
"Yeah and the whole goddamn world!"
"No Fatass!" The whole group bellowed at the same time.
Meanwhile, in the corner of the ceiling, Kenny was enjoying himself, especially at the sight of Kyle; that just did it for him.
"AGH!" Tweek suddenly screamed, going into a new and more powerful fit. "THAT'S WHY YOU KISSED ME! RIGHT? THAT'S IT, ISN'T IT!"
His teeth noticeably gritting against each other, Craig eerily turned his head toward his significant other and looked through his eyes with a jabbing, icy stare. Let's just say, you didn't need to be Tweek to be scared out of your mind after having been given a look like that.
"Oh really, darling? You JUST figured that out, hm? Just figured that out, JUST NOW, huh?" He snarled with heavy sarcasm, straight into Tweek's face.
"I wonder why he wrote all of it down." Butters fathomed, still flipping through the book. "It's just pairings. He didn't write any single people."
"I'm single!" Clyde whined defensively. "I ain't going out with no one!" He was about to cry, even though it was partially his own fault that their secret was slowly having some light shed upon.
"First of all, your grammar is disgusting." Butters sneered. "Second, I didn't mean single as in not in a relationship. Kenny hasn't written about a person on their own, it's always a couple."
"We are NOT a couple." Token said, one his hands flying to the side to point at Clyde while the other one was busy jabbing his own chest with slender fingers.
"Yeah, yeah whatever." The fatass rolled his eyes and grabbed the book. By the time these people were done with it, it was going to be in pieces. "Let me see it. Craig and Tweek don't seem to be denying much, neither are the Jew and the Hippie. Are you guys really faaaaags?" Cartman teased.
A moment of silence went through the room as Eric actually took the time to read the texts. At some points he made gagging noises and sometimes he laughed.
"Wow Stan, he makes you sound like such a pervert. Staring at his ass are we? Haven't noticed before." He said and smiled with fake innocence. "Craig, you kissed twitchy? Well, why am I asking, the coffee bitch practically admitted it moments ago."
Wow, that asshole is totally enjoying himself, Kenny thought from above. Every time Butters tried to calm the storms that were begging to explode (courtesy of Token and Craig, who were furious), Cartman would just make it worse. Stan and Kyle didn't seem to give much of a damn, which Kenny decided was a good thing. Clyde and Tweek stood awkwardly in the background, watching their significant others on the verge of losing their minds.
"All right calm down everyone." Butters said, waving his arms up and down.
"He listened to phone conversations! Which creep does that!" Token yelled, smacking that page with the back of his hand.
"I least he's not watching every single move you make!" Craig added, flipping back and forth between two particular pages.
Kenny watched the chaos with a grin. This was all coming together nicely. Now, by the time of his return, they would all have calmed down and would be laughing about it. Besides, he wasn't doing anything wrong per say, it was just a little unusual, he could admit that much.
Rolling his eyes at the flustered mess that were his friends, Butters flipped open his phone and dialled.
"Greg?... Right, Gregory, sorry. Um, could you guys come to the church, like right now?...Yeah, you and Christophe... He refuses what?...Fine, outside the church then!... 'Kay, awesome."
He snapped his phone shut and blew strands of blond out of his face, only for the hair to fall right back into place.
"Agh! Butters, did –did you call Gregory and Christophe?" Tweek asked, with big worried eyes.
"Yeah why?"
"Holy shit those guys are so SCARY!" He squealed, flailing his arms all over the place in search of something to cling on. His fingers ended up laced in his hair again, since Craig was clearly not an option at the moment.
"Well expect ten times worst twitch bitch." Cartman snarled at him. "Once they read this, Croissant is gonna throw a French ass fit."
Yeah, and Gregory would faint, Kenny thought to himself. He wasn't sure as of why Butters had the bright idea of inviting over the mercenaries, but he must have something in mind.
"Token, what do we do?" Clyde whine, with his confused puppy dog look that did not really suit a boy of his stature.
"What the hell do you mean what do we do? Nothing! These are lies! There's nothing we can do!" He said with rising intonation.
"Right. You're right." Clyde repeated, getting himself to calm down. "We have to be more careful from now on." He added, pissing Token off even more.
"No we don't! Because we don't do anything!" He downright yelled, his fist tightening at his sides.
Craig snickered next to him, despite the fact that he too was in quite a predicament. "Heh, sounds like you've been having some fun without me, huh Token?"
"Shut the hell up asshole! Apparently, you've been feeling up Tweek!"
"Agh! You have! WHEN? Was I asleep!" The blonde coffee addict panicked and was on the verge of running around in circles before Craig took hold of him.
"Tweek! Tweek, no I didn't, he's lying! I just kissed you!" He tried to reason with him, although he was still clearly upset about the whole situation.
"WHAT? You kissed me!" He yelled, shaking in the noirette's grasp.
Craig did not let go of him, but arched a brow at him. Did Tweek not remember being kissed by him? Even Kenny was a little confused, but Craig seemed to have caught on before he had. 'Naturally' Kenny thought, taking into consideration the closeness between the two.
"NOT IN YOUR SLEEP." Craig said loudly and very slowly, pausing between each word to engrave it clearly into the twitchy blonde's head. "I didn't do anything to you in your sleep!" He shook him a little. For a second, Kenny was happy he was dead. That way, his friends couldn't hear him laughing his ass off.
"Awwww, Craig! You fake-drink your coffee? That's sooooo cute." Clyde teased maliciously.
This one revelation seemed to have caught Tweek's attention. His eyes shifted straight to the notebook and as he pulled away from Craig, he grabbed it.
"You don't like coffee?" He asked, but it sounded more like a statement. With one last glance toward the page, an embarrassed bashful look appeared on his face. He blushed wildly and his big green eyes shone and blinked.
"Y-you didn't have to drink it." He mumbled. "If you don't like it I mean..." Tweek scratched the back of his neck nervously and avoided Craig's gaze.
"Yeah Craig, why'd you drink it, hm?" Clyde teased all over again, letting his tongue hang out at the end.
"Clyde, stick Token's dick in it, will ya'?"
Everyone laughed (including Clyde, which was weird), except for Token who's anger was reddening his face into a darker and darker shade.
Kenny was slowly making predictions about all the gay jokes that were to go around at lunch and during breaks. His time up in the beyond should give him time to think up a few good ones.
In the next two minutes, insults, accusations and apologies were thrown around, along with the notebook itself. Funny thing was, the dominant ones were the butts of the jokes. Most o them were getting quite flustered with every bit of new information coming from Kenny's notes.
"Wow, you get jealous easily Stan." Kyle said, licking his finger and turning the page.
"And sure seem to like –ngh staring, at his ass." Tweek added.
Stan blushed and smiled a boyish grin. He chuckled and winked at them, acting like the popular jock he was. He mumbled an almost inaudible 'I can't help it', which through the submissive ones into a symphony of 'awww's.
"Cut the sheet, Marsh." A voice was suddenly heard from the church entrance.
In the light that seeped into the room, stood the silhouettes of the Mole and Gregory standing in a very spy-like stance.
"Way to make an entrance faggots." Cartman said sarcastically. "Now that the immigrants are here, screw you guys, I'm going home. I've had my fun."
Following Butters, everyone stepped outside the church because Christophe had a problem with God or something. 'Damn.' Kenny thought. He couldn't see them anymore. With one last glance, Stan closed the door behind him.
"I see." Gregory sighed and dropped the notebook onto the table. "So this inquiry of his had been going on for a while now. Question is, why?"
They had gone to Stan's house since they were all tired of standing and handed the notebook over to the two mercenaries. They had gone through most of it and it really was a sight to see. It wasn't everyday you saw Christophe DeLorne blush or Gregory Yardale's voice go into uneven pitches.
"Well, he was just bored. Kenny isn't like, some kind of evil genius or anything..." Butters said, not sure what exactly was going through Gregory's mind.
"So you believe that he has no ulterior motives?" Christophe asked, like some kind of cop during an interrogation.
"Um, he doesn't. He just gets REALLY bored." Butters tried to defend his friend.
"Hm... Penses-tu qu'il ment?" Christophe addressed Gregory in French.
"Non, pourquoi?" Gregory replied, arching his left brow questioningly.
"Bon, alors –"
"Uh..." Token raised his hand awkwardly. "I can speak French...by the way. Butters isn't lying."
Craig grunted and waved his hand carelessly. "Yeah me too. You're just upset that the notebook supposed you were a French romantic."
Christophe literally growled at Craig who growled straight back. Tweek and Gregory were immediately by their sides, just in case things went to far.
"Ngh –you can speak French?" Tweek whispered, distracting him from the Mole.
"Oui." Craig smirked and winked at him, sending a shiver down the blonde's spine.
"No more flirting!" Christophe sneered, slamming his hands against the table.
The Frenchman was completely distracted, which made him become anything but professional like he usually was when it came to work. His blonde best friend came up behind him, settling a hand on his shoulder.
"Would you calm down? It's McCormick, he's a nice guy." Gregory tried to soothe the tension and frustration that was twisting Christophe's face into a scowl.
"He's a stalker. I don't know why you are taking his side when he thinks you're in love with me." He spat but Gregory remained quiet. A silence stretched on and the mercenary's face took on a terrified expression.
"You're not, are you?" He asked, suddenly quite alarmed and taking a few steps back.
"No Goddamnit, would you please not jump to conclusions on your own. You could go only as far as to say that I care for you or something."
"A wife cares for his husband." Clyde pointed out stupidly, at the exact second Christophe had begun to calm down.
"What?" He bellowed as the Brit sat himself down next to Butters, exhausted.
A while passed with Christophe, Token and Craig going through the notebook like maniacs, taking into consideration every single detail and commenting of everything that displeased them. They challenged each one of Kenny's notes with arguments such as 'he's reading too much into it' or 'he's misunderstanding my motives'. Everyone else in the room could see how wrong they were and how childish they were acting.
"Can I say something?" Kyle spoke up a little shyly, since half the people in the room had completely lost their minds. Even so, all the attention was suddenly turned to him. "Um, I personally think that this um...gathering we're having here is sort of useless." He stated. "Kenny's gonna be back in 2 days max, can't we just wait until then for our answers instead of killing ourselves trying to figure it out?"
"Nah man." Stan lazily tapped Kyle's shoulder to get his attention. "They should figure it out now. That way it won't be awkward for the next couple of days."
"Stan." Kyle rolled his eyes and set his hands on his hips. "I think they can go two days without seeing each other."
"AGH! Can we?" Tweek yelled, before slapping his mouth against his lips; surprised by his own words.
"You know, the bride and groom don't see each other before the wedding either." Clyde pointed out carelessly, making yet another awkward reference to romantic relationships.
"What is WRONG with you?" Token shouted at his friend, scattering his arms up in the air in frantic movements of frustration as Christophe just stood motionless behind him, mouth hanging slightly open and a blush reappearing on his cheeks.
As the four boys who were standing up at this point (Craig, Token, Clyde and Christophe) fought over what stupidity Clyde had meant, Tweek gently leaned into Butters' ear and whispered something.
"Yeah, I'm confused too." Butters replied to him. "But I doubt this means you're engaged to Craig."
Next to them, Gregory supposedly began to laugh, resulting in him choking slightly on his own saliva. As the blonde mercenary's coughs hoarsened, his loyal partner rapidly appeared by his side, hands hesitantly hovering over his shoulders.
"Gregory, are you okay?" He asked in all seriousness, as if the other boy had just been shot.
"Yes –akh! Jesus, ahem, I'm fine." He answered, then rolled his eyes playfully when seeing the smirks on everyone's face.
Christophe swung his body around to face them all, sneering in the least subtly, clearly displeased with the situation he had thrown himself into without thinking.
"Heh-heh, worried are we, Mole?" Craig teased, waggling his brows.
"Non! Shut up, I was merely concerned."
"Ha! Yeah right. Maybe Kenny's notes were right." Clyde said, crossing his arms over his chest in an attempt to look clever.
"Yeah, maybe –Agh! What? No, no they're not right! They're wrong!" Token quickly saved himself from admitting things he truly did not want to.
A few of them began laughing once more, but this time Stan was ready to step in.
"All right, you know what? Ky's right. You guys are getting annoying You should all just go home, sleep this off, spend some time alone and then we'll meet back here when Ken's back. How's that?" He suggested, his tone very friendly. Sure, Kyle was an idea man, but Stan was a born leader.
"Besides, I think it would do everyone some good."
"..."
"..."
They stood silently in front of Tweek's porch, like a couple on a first date. Craig was grabbing at his opposite arm and kept nibbling at his lips, as if trying to formulate the perfect thing to say in order to break the silence.
"Will you be okay?" He muttered, grey eyes refusing to meet green.
"Ngh –it's only two days, isn't it?" He answered with another question.
"Um, yeah."
"Then no."
Craig chuckled and looked away. Was he being serious? 'Cause if he was, then fuck Stan's orders; he had a Tweek to take care of.
"AGH! Don't be like that man, I'll be fine!"
"Right. I know. You'll be fine... But hey, if you ever wanna go for coffee –" He stopped himself because Tweek was flashing him an amused sarcastic smirk.
"Right, since you –ngh love it so much." He rolled his eyes.
Another chuckle, another glance at the floor.
"See ya Tweek."
