Never in my life have I hated anyone. Disliked perhaps, but never hated. My memory of the kidnapping has returned and I remember her now. I dream about her every night. In a way, it's worse than not knowing. I'm stuck in the clinic and she's out there free. Eva told me the only way to get out of here is to talk about my nightmares. I have resisted so far, but now I have a choice to make. Do I want to sit on my pride and stay here forever, or talk about them and get out of here. I wish Herrel were here. When he is with me, all is right with the world. I have not had any visits from him lately, only my parents. They told me he is helping with the rebuilding of Beluslan Fortress. I suppose that is what he should be doing, yet I want him with me. Mom comes to see me almost every day and I think she enjoys getting away from father for a bit. He's in a craze with working on the new apartment.

Today is the end of my third week here. In a few minutes my group therapy starts. I'm sitting here on my bed trying to decide whether or not I want to get out of here now or later. I suppose it won't kill me to share a bit of my life with the people here. They're not bad people, just troubled like myself. I like people and I'm usually very talkative with anyone I meet. It's one of the things that Herrel and I sometimes fight about. He doesn't think I should get everyone's life story at our first meeting. I think you shouldn't waste any time, as you never know when they will move on. That's the difference between Herrel and me, he's the shy one and I'm the outgoing one.

But none of that helps me now. I'm here by myself with a group of people that under different circumstances I would have no problems talking with. I guess it comes down to the fact that I really am a private person and all my chit chatting is all about them and nothing about me. It's funny how you learn things about yourself. And I'm not sure I like it. I realize now that the only people who really know me are my parents, Herrel and Madrion…

And then it hits me. Where is Madrion? Why hasn't he come to see me? Cold grips my body as images begin to flash in front of me. The cave, he was the man in the cave! I screamed! I screamed like I've never screamed before. I felt my entire world coming apart as I finally remembered what I had been blocking out all this time. He came to save me and now he's dead. I shrieked my rage and fear and that is how they found me, shrieking and beating my fists on the ground. I must have fallen down, but I don't remember it. Eva rushed in with two orderlies and they held me down as she forced me to drink something ghastly.

It must have been fast acting for numbness began to crawl over my body. I felt very heavy and weak. Tears continued to stream down my face as I stared at Eva. "Why," I croaked at her. "Why didn't you tell me he was dead?" She took me in her arms and stroked my hair. "Because you needed to find it out for yourself." She held me then, as I continued to cry. The heaviness continued to hold my body prisoner and I fell asleep on the floor with Eva holding me like a child who sees monsters in the closet.

When I woke up several hours later Eva was there to comfort me and to talk. I told her everything and it was if a great weight was lifted off my chest. She listened while I talked about the kidnapping and my time in the cells, and then the cave. I cried while I told her about Madrion and his attempts to protect me and my foolishness at throwing rocks at Julia. "It's my fault he's dead Eva," I sobbed. "If I hadn't been so stupid and stubborn, he would still be alive." "You don't know that," she said. "Once Julia had what she wanted, you were expendable. She would either have killed you outright or left you to starve." "I'm a Daeva!" I wailed. "How could she have killed me?" "I don't know how she would have honey. I don't have the mindset of someone like her. But from what you've said about the cave, your Daeva abilities didn't work. You said you couldn't heal Madrion. It's possible she could have just stabbed you or something and that would be that." I shuddered. I'd never been in actual combat and had never had to resurrect. I had no idea how that felt. The idea of it made me ill.

"But she wanted him as a pet. I don't think she would have killed him." I was stubborn in the belief that it was my fault. Eva sighed. "Listen to me and get this through your thick skull. Madrion made a choice to come to you. He loved you, more than life itself. Don't take that away from him Jaisea!" I just stared at her. It hadn't occurred to me that Madrion had made that choice foolish though it was, and when I saw him in the afterlife, I was going to give him hell about it. Eva watched me carefully. "Do you understand Jaisea? We all make choices and no one can really make someone do something they don't want to. Our choices may suck sometimes, but we always have a choice to do one thing or another."

"I…I think so…yes," I murmured. "Good," she replied. "Now let's get you something to eat. I don't think you should be alone right now, so you can eat dinner with me." We didn't talk much more that night and I had a lot to think about. I went to sleep and for the first time since the fall, I didn't dream at all. The following morning I awoke feeling strangely refreshed. Grief was there, but the pressure that I hadn't realized I'd been carrying was gone. I cried for the loss of my daughter and for Madrion, but Eva was right. I had no control over what Madrion did, even though I'd always tried to tell him what to do. I wonder how much of the time he just humored me and I felt embarrassed. He must have thought me a silly little girl. I vowed to try and be a better person.

A knock on the door interrupted my musings. It was Eva. She wanted to know if I would be willing to talk with the Archons again. She said it would be good for me to report Julia and her criminal acts and it would speed my healing. Sighing, I agreed. I didn't really want to, as last time our conversation ended in a shouting match and my being sedated. Eva promised to be there with me if I wanted her to be. I said yes. So we had breakfast and then I waited in Eva's office for the Archons to arrive.

Only one showed up and not the same person who was here the first time. I felt myself relax, partly because it was a female and partly because I could now be more coherent. I told my story calmly and she listened without interruptions. When I was done she asked a few questions and told me they would be in touch. Then I had to go to physical therapy and this was a welcome relief. I was getting physically stronger every day. The torture they had devised no longer caused me any pain and I looked forward to cruising through my exercises.

After therapy was lunch and to my surprise, Herrel was there. I shrieked in joy and ran to him, jumping into his arms. He caught me easily and held me close. He smelled sweaty and sexy all at once. He must have come from Beluslan instead of from home. We had lunch outside on the covered patio and I told him about Madrion. He listened to me and held my hand. He then reached into his cube and pulled out some parchment. He handed it to me. It was a letter, written by Madrion to his commander, explaining his departure from Eltnen. He had been poisoned and was on the recovery list. He was wounded and still he came to get me. Fresh tears fell from my eyes. You foolish man. I looked up at Herrel. "When did you get this? How long have you known?" I was beginning to feel anger. Why didn't he tell me? Herrel squeezed my hand. "We found out a few days before you came here."

"We? Whose's we? Who else knows?" I demanded. He took a deep breath. "Your mom and dad, myself, and Vallyon." "Vallyon?" Why would Vallyon know such a thing? Herrel sighed. "He was at the fortress when you…when you … um… arrived there. He identified you for the healers. He also took care of the arrangements for our daughter." I was silent. Should I have known any of this? I couldn't remember because I was drunk some of the time, well most of the time. I vaguely remember him coming to the house. I flushed in embarrassment. "I'm so sorry Herrel. He was your best friend. And here I've been, behaving like an ass." I flung myself into his arms and cried. He held me tightly and then said, "It's not your fault Jaisea. You've been ill and no one faults you for anything. I'm just glad you're getting better." He paused considering something, and then said, "Madrion has always had a soft spot for you. He adored you and even though he'd never admit to it, if anyone hurt you he'd killed them."

I looked up at Herrel. His face was relaxed and all I saw in his eyes was concern for me. "You knew about this all along?" I asked him gently. He laughed then. "Madrion's face was like an open book sometimes. Anything to do with you was clearly written on his face. It's never bothered me honey. I always knew that if something happened to me, he would be there for you in whatever way you needed." I said, "I've always thought of Madrion like a big brother and I do love him. I never knew he felt differently about me until…until the cave. I love you Herrel and I have no regrets about marrying you."

He gazed at me with his golden eyes and then he kissed me. And that kiss left no doubt that I was his forever and always. A few days later, Eva discharged me from the clinic. She said I didn't need to be there anymore. I was still to come in daily for my physical therapy and to talk, but I could do it as an outpatient. She reduced my medication but let me know that if I needed more, then to take it. She also told me that if I felt the need to drink again, I was to tell her immediately.

I didn't think I'd need to drink anymore, because now I had a new reason for living sober. My memory returning was a good thing for me, but a bad thing for Julia. I was going to find her. And I was going to make her pay for the death of my daughter and Madrion. I had purpose now and once I found Julia, well, then we'd see. I just had to make sure that Herrel and my parents didn't find out.

My homecoming was a quiet affair. Herrel was there and so were my parents. Mom had made me a cake and we had lots of it. I drank juice while everyone else had ale. They also had presents for me and I gleefully ripped the paper off. I got a new cloak from my dad, and a beautiful necklace from Herrel. My mom had made me some new blankets to curl up in. I had tears in my eyes, but this time they were tears of joy. That night Herrel and I made love. All I wore for him was the necklace he had given me. He was slow and gentle and I fell asleep fully relaxed for the first time in a long time. I was glad for that, for it meant I'd be awake and alert the next morning to begin my plans for Julia.

The End.