The stupid human was bugging the shit out of me. When I had first met her she was irritating because of her perfect pride. Straight-faced, a fast talker and incredibly strong, she had almost turned into a full-on black wizard. Hell, she could have, but that same pride kept her from stooping so low to save her arm.
She accepted her loss with that same straight face and only the hatred in her eyes told me anything about how she felt.
I couldn't stand seeing her now.
She appeared to have lost that pride that made her interesting. She had been ruthless, following a code of conduct only she knew, and I could recognize that blood-thirst, that rigid set of rules, in myself. I respected her for that. She was a strong human. Stronger then I thought she could be.
I couldn't ignore Mukurou's orders when she ordered the punishment, though. The girl had never touched black-magic, you recognize those traces, but she was guilty by association. It wasn't my choice to disobey, but I had never been interested in doing so before that. I felt like a pawn, no longer strong, no longer my own. Watching that girl's pride turn brittle and collapse under the weight of her loss caused an odd emotion to flower in my gut.
I denied that it was guilt. I did not get guilty, I did not regret, the only emotions I had were anger and hatred, I had accepted that about myself; but when her deep blue eyes would flicker to mine, I rejected the possibility of there being an emotion.
She had this habit, though. I don't even think that she realized that she did it, but the dumb blond had this habit that was annoying as fuck. I was aware of it, every second of it, and it made my blood boil. She would twitch her shoulder to do something, swallow, rub her arm, roll her shoulder and then switch to the other hand. It was maddening. I ignored it, though.
I ignored all of her angered glances at me, the hatred that burned in her eyes, her frustration with her arm, I ignored it. So many people had done the same thing that it bounced off of me. That was until I noticed her twitch her arm to do something and then she just stopped. Not a moment passed where she was actually frozen, she just reached out the other arm and her shoulder stopped moving at all. It just hung there.
Worrying is a bad word, I did not worry. I was mildly interested in the reason behind her stopping, I did not feel guilty. But her eyes went dead, they lost that twinkle and that fire, they lost their life. Her expressions went dull, she stopped talking, her body going still. I stopped feeling her emotions break and ebb in the back of my head. I unconsciously started avoiding her.
I didn't even want to look at her. She followed through with everything mindlessly, even when she chucked a sword at me, even when I had to heal her foot, even when she got her sword and the fear startled me enough to go find her, thinking that she was dying. Even when she realized she was becoming a demon. She just took it and took it and took it. At least she lashed out at first.
Even worse was the newfound connection to her thoughts. I had to hear everything that went through her head and you would think that it would be good blackmail, that she would be my pawn. I had never been interested in controlling people though and I didn't want to hear her dictating herself around, reminding herself to just get through the next day.
I thought that she would grow out of it, but she wasn't. She was dying inside. I told myself that I didn't care. I blinded myself to her. I didn't want to feel her hatred of me firsthand. It burned like an open wound, a raging fire that wouldn't be quenched. It scorched through everything and I pretended that it wasn't my fault.
It wasn't until I heard her screaming that I looked past it even for a moment.
—
The realization that I was becoming a demon was the end. I had spent such a long time with a single-minded fixation on killing them that the difference had grown into a hatred. I saw demons as my prey and nothing more. Perhaps it was that I had a fear of some and I hated fear because it meant weakness.
Weakness was unacceptable. Crying, co-dependence, wants, needs, I wanted to be better then human. Or at least, I had once wanted that. Now it was a struggle to get up in the morning. It was a struggle to open my eyes and face the next day where I was no longer my own person, where I no longer controlled my life, where I was no longer strong.
I no longer held the essence of myself. I was stuck with a man I hated, with a sword I could barely use, with magic that was drained and with emotions I couldn't control. It got more and more difficult to wake up in the morning. It was a chore to eat food, to drink water, to breathe. Living turned into a meticulous fog. The only time I awoke was to train.
I trained to enter that tournament, but I trained for an even bigger reason. The one fire that I continued stoking, that kept me going, was my unbridled, unfounded hatred of Hiei. I trained to kill him. I would kill myself, but I decided that it didn't matter. I had come to the conclusion that life wasn't worth living like this. I was going to murder Hiei and consequently destroy myself.
What was I implying? I wasn't even human anymore, it didn't matter. Nothing mattered. Only the kill mattered. Only that moment when the life left his eyes would it matter.
If there was ever a time when I was afraid of myself it was then.
This training went on for months, this style of life, and everyday I woke up more certain of killing him. Everyday I woke up less human, physically and mentally. I was becoming the demon that I hated without even trying to go the other way. Learning about becoming a demon was the last straw. If I could never be human then why not go all the way.
I was already going to hell anyway, right? I should kill him before going.
This echoing thought was the only pounding rhythm. I could tell you all about becoming strong again, I could tell you about my dreams of fire that pounded through my head, I could describe to you how I went through every possible way to kill the demon that tormented my thoughts, I could explain to you how just looking at him made me physically ill, but I won't. If you have ever hated someone, truly hated them, you will know what I mean.
If you haven't, you can't even imagine it.
—
I was on a walk in the forest surrounding Genkai's house. Don't ask me why; I just felt like it, I guess. It was beautiful out. In the last few months the weather had slowly grown warm and it was almost the end of spring. I had been at Genkai's house for four and a half months and this was the first time I had even wanted to venture away on my own.
Usually I just explore her house if I don't want to train. That's so rare that I still hadn't made it all the way through her house. Today I wanted to go outside though, because it was cool out and the night was pretty. It was starting to stay light out later on in the day so I thought it was a good time for a walk.
No one had the decency to warn me that it was dangerous though. I brought my sword, as I now always did. I brought it everywhere, just as I had before. I even slept with my sword. For a mere moment I had imagined that I could live a normal life, stay in human world, get a job, maybe even grow to like Hiei.
I was wrong. I hated him and I always would, I was not interested in settling down and my only attachment was to my sword. There was no thin line across the blade to remind me that I was not unbeatable anymore. Four months wasn't going to make up for six years, but my brain forgot about that.
I thought that because I had learned on one arm then the other would just know. Well, I was mistaken.
"Tassssty human, what bringsss you to my foresssst?" A voice hissed, a slithering sound reaching my ears. I spun around, my sword nearly transporting to my hand.
"I'm just walking." I said, listening for where the sound was coming from. More slithering, it was all around me, but I continued, headstrong and certain of myself. I had made it out of impossible situations before and this was no different. I was certain that they would be weak demons, why else would they stay in Genkai's forest.
"Jussst walking sssshe sssayssss." It hissed oddly and I was surrounded by that similar coughing hiss. I realized that I was being laughed at. My energy flared and I didn't even notice the prickling on my arm and legs until it hurt. I glanced down, seeing scales layering my arm and webbing on my fingers and toes, it was getting difficult to stand. I choked on a yelp of surprise, horrified and fascinated at the change.
Bad move, the demons that looked sort of like snakes leapt from the underbrush. They were huge and numerous and I was overwhelmed in a moment, the sword slipping out of my slimy fingers. It wasn't until fangs sank into my shoulder that a pained screech erupted from my lips. My shoulder hurt, but I ripped it away, ignoring the fresh burst of pain and rolled back to my blade.
I couldn't pick it up. It was then in the dark, surrounded by giant snakes that I remembered that I was human and that this would kill me. I wasn't as immune to fear as I thought. Another scream burst from my lips, but fangs clamped around my throat and cut it off abruptly.
It then hit me that I was actually going to die and it didn't look so appetizing anymore.
My heart froze into place and I could see those fangs flipping out to slit open my throat. Time felt slow, like I could see every gleam, and yet it happened too fast for me to do anything about it. I was going to die. Simple as that.
I regretted my choice. That screaming in the back of my head broke through the blockage and I knew. I knew that what I had been doing was wrong. I was terrified. This demon was going to kill me and I could see its malicious grin. Had that been how I looked? Was I just as heartless and bloodthirsty as the species I despised?
"Get off me!" I screamed, my awareness suddenly filling me with energy. I struggled, punching the side of my attacker's face. Venom burned the ground next to head and I wriggled, trying to get away from it. Just one arm wasn't enough though. I had to hold away its face while pushing myself up and you needed two arms for that.
I hated myself. It was my fault. This situation wouldn't have happened if I had just listened. You would think that military school would have taught me that, but following orders was different then listening to authority to me. I didn't feel that way now. I hated myself for my incapability to take care of myself. I hated myself for following a group I knew wasn't any good. I hated myself for hating myself.
I cried out as the monster's weight crushed my ribcage. It was so heavy I thought that I was going to implode and it was readying for its next bite. My shoulders were locked down and the next cry was out of fear and pain. I couldn't move! I had overestimated my own ability and now I had gotten myself into some deep shit.
"Sssshe criesssss nicccely." It hissed, sounding very amused and my face blanched as fangs dug into my injured shoulder. I screamed, long and loud, before choking off into a gurgle, having no more air. That coughing hiss sounded all around me but now it felt like it was echoing, my brain going in and out of focus. I couldn't seem to see very clearly.
The weight lifted off of me and I tried to crawl away, not able to realize that it was what the abomination wanted. Was I ever so pointlessly cruel? I could remember doing the same thing, laughing as the broken demon tried to get away when it should have known that it was pointless. Anger burned within me and I used a spell I never thought that I would use.
"Fuego." I growled against the ground, my face pressed against the leaves. My body burst into flame and all I could remember was spewing fire everywhere, lighting up the entire place. The hissing and knowing that I was draining what little strength I had left. They were going to die, not me, them. I didn't even realize that I was laughing until the blaze died off and I collapsed into the ground, my body shaking with laughter. I was becoming a monster that was much worse then any demon.
Or had I already been one?
—
I arrived to see the blonde collapse face-first into the ground and to see the fire surrounding everything die out of existence. She was surrounded by demons, very poisonous demons, and I could tell by the intense burning in my arms that she had not gotten out unscathed. I told myself that I was only helping because if I died then she died.
Caring was for the weak humans, not for a demon. A demon only lived for the kill. My heart lurched as her thoughts went still and I kept on telling myself that. But there was doubt, was I wrong?
"Delisssssciousssss…" Anger burned deep in my gut as they looked at her as food. I didn't care, I didn't care, it became a mantra as I tried to ignore the hatred of them for undermining her. She was strong, but I had to shake off the thoughts. I didn't care.
My patience had never been renowned, though, and I hurtled toward the irritating demons, killing them before they even knew what hit them. Perhaps it wouldn't have been quite so easy was it daytime and I hadn't surprised them, but they were D-class demons, tops. I would have made short work of them.
I was wiping the last of the blood off of my blade when a hissing sounded from behind my back. I spun around to finish it off, but a glowing orange blade sprouted from between its eyes and it fell forward, dead. My shoulder burned horribly, but I gotten hurt enough times to ignore pain. I looked up, shocked, as she leaned heavily against her empty stump. That did hurt.
She rolled over with a jumpy breath, taking the pressure off of her arm. I appeared over her and she looked up at me with a satisfied smirk.
"Got it." She breathed and then closed her eyes, going limp. I looked away from her, unwilling to inspect her for very long. She was a woman. I had grown bored of them long before her, but I didn't like the emotions that she stirred. It was irritating. I smirked slightly while ripping her sword out of the snake demon's head and re-sheathing it though. At least I wasn't stuck with a damsel.
After a long moment I picked her up and began sprinting back toward the house. It didn't take particularly long, but by the time I was there she looked green and pale and was burning up. Her condition was like a phantom skin over me and I had known it was bad. In the light back in her room it looked worse.
Blood was dried onto her shoulders and a dark, black bruise was forming around her neck. Her stump was darkened with venom that coursed its way up her neck. I dropped her onto her bed and tore off my bandana in a hurry. Kurama and Yukina's thoughts connected to mine and the woman's pain became a whole lot more unbearable at the same time.
'Come. Now.' I sent telepathically, the thought imbued with her image. I heard the affirmative and then focused on a healing spell. I wasn't good at those. Yukina was the talented one, followed closely by Kurama. I knew enough to mend some things, but not much.
I held off the poison until the other two arrived and took over, working hard to fix everything. Genkai came with them and the room became a hive of activity. I didn't leave though. I surprised myself. I leaned in the corner and stayed out of the way, completely unhelpful, but I did stay. Hours later after I was half in a doze the frenzy finally stopped.
All three of them looked exhausted. I stood fluidly, blinking.
"She's fine. She's just resting." Kurama said, smiling knowingly at me. I scowled and looked away. I didn't care. I just wanted to make sure that I wasn't going to die halfway through the night.
"Hn." I answered, unwilling to admit that he was right. Stupid fox, he gets under my skin. They left the room and Kurama glanced back.
"She's not done just yet." He murmured and then closed the door behind him. I stared at it for awhile, trying to understand the meaning behind the cryptic words, but the intent was clear. He was trying to explain something to me. I just had to figure it out.
I walked over and looked down at the sleeping human. She grimaced even in her sleep, worry wrinkling her forehead. A deep breath later and her eyes opened halfway, looking hazy and tired.
"Hiei." She said. I was surprised to hear my name, she hadn't spoken to me in months, not that I cared.
"Hn."
"Thanks." She said, her voice somewhat hoarse. I blinked, showing my shock. She smirked tiredly. "And I'm sorry." She coughed out, then turned over and went back to sleep. I stared at her for a few minutes, trying to wrap my brain around the words and eventually tensed.
"Damn woman." I cursed and nearly fled the room.
—
Ow. What was it about waking up and being in pain that had become a habit for me?
"Good morning, sleeping beauty!" A chipper voice said, laughing. I groaned and slowly opened my eyes, looking up to see that woman from the day I originally came here. The girl with the candy hair and eyes. Seriously, her eyes were a funny pink flavored purple and her hair looked like it belonged on a willy-wonka commercial.
"Your name's… Botan, right?" I asked, my memory for names was actually quite decent. I also remembered upsetting her quite badly, but I wasn't going to apologize. She was a drama queen.
"Why, yes! I'm so glad you remembered!" She exclaimed. I stared at her silently, wishing that she would lower her voice, and then finally took a deep breath and sat up slowly, despite her orders that I lie back down.
"Woman, I'm a wizard. We heal fast, I'm fine." I said, nearly rolling my eyes. Her mouth dropped into a silent 'oh', but my relief at her silence was broken in only a few moments.
"Well, I bet you're hungry!" She exclaimed, actually the thought of food made me sick, but I rubbed my stomach ruefully. "Breakfast is ready, we'll be just in time!" She said, clapping, I fake-smiled and nodded, my head pounding.
Yay! I got out of bed, a little bit shaky, and she tried to help me but I waved her off and picked up my sword from my bed-side and used it as a crutch of sorts. We took off down the hall as I grimaced at the thought of meeting more of these chipper people.
Oh God, I was turning into Hiei.
Botan was a motormouth. Seriously, she hadn't shut up the entire walk to the dining room and that was not an insignificant stroll. Albeit, I wasn't moving too quickly, but still. That girl needed to shut up. My head pounded painfully and I felt weighed down by guilt. Guilt has to be the heaviest emotion on the planet. When you're guilty about something you just want to melt to the floor and hide your face.
Its intensely unpleasant, irritating and you really don't want to deal with it. I tried to shove my guilt away, but apparently everyone has a breaking point and after four months of stuffing my hatred I couldn't deal with it anymore. My pride was already broken, I felt like I was going to become a puddle on the floor. Salt water that would never find the sea.
Or maybe there was so much stuff that I had to deal with that I would become a sea. A sea of regret, pain, guilt and anger. The sea would probably boil if that was the case. It would be red with the blood of every demon that I had killed. No, then it would be black. Demons have black blood, but there could be no blacker substance then my own heart.
Even I could see that. Before I had believed, truly believed, that I was doing the right things. I was disobeying authority because they didn't understand, my arm disappeared because no one would listen to me, it was all Hiei's fault and all the council's fault because they didn't understand and they didn't care.
I was wrong. When I had looked up, Hiei didn't look like some distant, cold monster. He had his pride too, he didn't listen to orders because he wanted to. I didn't want to believe that. I didn't want to believe that the worst moment of my life was entirely my own fault. I had caused it all by myself and that was not something that I wanted to believe.
I wanted so badly to hate him, but looking up that night, the night before, opening my eyes after those hours of healing, he was there. He had stayed and he most definitely did not need to. He knew exactly how I felt because he could feel whatever I was feeling, whether it be pain or pleasure and the same worked the other way around.
I could feel him and he could feel me. He didn't need to stay to see if I was alright, he would already know. He stayed anyway and that meant that in some twisted way he cared. I couldn't look up to see him checking on me and not see the worry in his eyes. It was hidden, he was rejecting it, but it was there I saw his worry and now I couldn't unsee it.
I wanted to, God did I want to, because the last thing that I wanted to do was face my inner demons. I had enough surrounding me as it was. My arm was healed, the people who had helped me were incredibly talented and I wanted to thank them. I honestly appreciated the fact that they cared even though it was my own stupidity that had caused it.
Again, I had gotten serious injuries because I was incapable of thinking ahead. I looked to my right shoulder, saw that empty space, and knew that I wouldn't ever forget again. I would never imagine that I was unbeatable. My right arm wasn't there because I was human. That weight dropped on me, no, I wasn't. Not anymore. I swallowed hard and that guilt came back.
Now that I was becoming a demon it was hard to believe that they didn't feel anything. I might be a monster, no, I was a monster, but I felt. I had emotion.
I was probably more of a monster.
"Botan?" I murmured. She looked startled and I realized that I had cut her off mid-sentence. She didn't seem the slightest bit perturbed though, people probably did so often.
"Yes?" She asked, looking curious as to why I would suddenly be interested in striking up actual conversation. I looked to my left listlessly and then asked in a detached voice.
"Have you ever been so guilty that you don't how to deal with it?" I asked quietly, trying to keep my feelings out of the question. I could feel my voice getting hoarse and I kept on telling myself 'don't cry, don't cry, don't cry', but the tingling in the back of my nose told me that I was probably going to.
She paused, seemingly surprised by the question, but her footsteps came to a halt. I glanced at her out of the corner of my eye and she seemed very far away from me at that moment. Her eyes were unfocused and she seemed to be remembering something. I started to think that she wasn't going to answer and opened my mouth to take back the question, but surprisingly she did.
"Yes." She said, her voice small.
I was taken aback by how serious she was. I somehow expected her to wave off the question and smile like she always did. I never imagined her having any regrets because she was always so happy.
"What happened?" I asked after I was certain that my voice was working correctly.
"A very long time ago I said something I didn't mean and pushed away my only… happiness." She said, and was quiet. I wondered how much of that happy face was an act. A moment later it was like she realized what she had said and shook her head, blinking. "But that was a long time ago!" She said, voice back to normal.
We resumed walking, but I felt like something in our relationship had shifted. I felt like I understood why she always acted so happy. It was her way of dealing with her guilt. I wasn't sure what I thought of it, but I knew that after getting some of that off of my chest I was much hungrier
