Harry's victorious mood had been ruined by the butt-touching tragedy after the battle.

'At least Draco feels bad now.' thought Harry. 'Nothing to do now, but go back to my room and get some sleep before class.'

Harry stopped by the kitchen on his way back to his dorm. He got a wizard-cup full of pumpkin juice for the long climb upstairs to his room. He choked down the disgusting orange pulpy liquid and gathered his thoughts. When he finished it, he threw the cup into one of the castle's many incinerators.

About halfway to his dorm, Harry fell to his knees, raised his hands in the air, and screamed, "Who could be doing this? How do I stop all the butt-touching?"

"Keep it down! Were you raised in a quarry?!" yelled one of the ladies in the painting next to him.

"Aaa! Demons!" screamed Harry, and started frantically punching the painting.

"No no no! We're just paintings! It's a magic thing! Stop it!"

Harry did stop, but not before he noticed that it didn't feel like there was a solid wall behind the painting. He removed the painting from the wall and threw it to the ground. Where it had hung, there was a hallway. A hallway of secrets and mystery!

Harry followed the hallway and came to a small chamber (also of secrets and mystery). In the center was a container shaped like an oil drum that was lit from every direction at once, despite there not being any apparent light sources.

"Ah, it's probably magic." Harry spoke, in his best cowboy accent.

There was a sign on the drum that read, "Potato salad: have all you want"

Harry scooped out some potato salad with his hand, and took a bite. He spit it out due to its loathsome flavo(u)r. He took out his wand, aimed, and Crucio'ed the blob of potato salad that now lay on the floor.

Harry would have to bring his friends there. Maybe they would like the taste better than he had.

Harry left the strange chamber and replaced the painting. It may be foul tasting, but it was his potato salad now, and he didn't want anyone else getting their hands on it! He walked back up to his bed, and flopped down on the mattress with the force of a speeding train. His bed was completely destroyed by this, so he switched his and Neville's bed, and fell asleep under his new sheets. Harry had the strangest dream.


He had sailed away to China, on a little rowboat to find Hermione. Finding her on the beach, she ran up to him. When Harry greeted her, she said, "I have to get my laundry cleaned. I don't want no one to hold me."

A bit confused by this, Harry stopped and considered. She took off running. Harry gave chase. When he caught up to her, he asked, "What does that mean?"

And she said, "Ain't nothing gonna break my stride! Nobody's gonna slow me down!" She looked behind her, and a look of terror washed over her. "Oh no, I've got to keep on movin'!"

They approached a road, and she sped up. Harry tried to keep up, but there were rocks everywhere. He glanced behind him to see what Hermione was so afraid of, and he rolled his ankle on the Rocky Road's unstable surface and fell. As he sank into the cold dessert, he grabbed onto a marshmallow to keep afloat. How was he going to catch her now? Ahead, he could see Hermione running, but she wasn't touching the ground! Oh no! He had to keep on moving!


Harry woke with a start. Something had hit him in his sleep. There was chocolate all over his bed!

SLAP! Harry was hit in the face by some ice cream. He looked up to see all of the boys from his dorm throwing delicous treats at him.

"You missed breakfast!" screeched Ron, gingerly. "We brought you some!"

Harry puzzled at what Ron considered to be breakfast, but then he had an epiphany.

"That's it!" exclaimed Harry. "I know where to find the Butt-Toucher!"