Sidequest: Doubts
May 15th, 2026
My eyes narrowed as I was jostled on the train; the man that bumped into me glanced over and murmured an apology before turning back around. I clenched my teeth and turned up my music, trying to drown out the rest of the world with the sound of my choosing. Music acted almost as a hypnotic suggestion for me at times – it would keep me calm and help me avoid freaking out on the train. I didn't like physical contact at the best of times, and because it was early morning and I was headed to school, I was somewhat sleepy – thereby lowering my inhibitions against violence even further. The rhythm of my music beat in my ears, giving me something to focus on besides the press of bodies; the pressure was building up, slowly but surely, and I caught myself clenching my fists occasionally.
Suddenly, the hairs on the back of my neck stood on end, and I blinked, coming out of my half-trance; they only did that when someone was staring at me. I straightened up slightly, cracking my neck and knuckles; I subtly looked around while doing so, attempting to find the source of the staring. I found the source a few seconds later; it was three students from a different school that were staring fairly blatantly and talking to themselves, laughing occasionally. I couldn't hear what they were saying – for fairly obvious reasons – but I watched them with half-lidded eyes; when they realized I had caught them staring, they looked away quickly.
pain
I looked forward again, trying to focus on my music. Insects, the lot of them; they might buzz around and bother me, but they didn't actually mean anything. Why should I care about the buzzing of a couple of fruit flies? They don't matter to me. I can't let them matter to me.
Fortunately, the rest of the train ride was uneventful; the students got off at one of the next stops and I was able to relax slightly. I hate it when people stared at me; I much preferred to be in the shadows, watching others. The spotlight was uncomfortable at times, and even though I could handle it I preferred not to; I left that to Asuna the sub-commander. The second the students were off of the train, I turned my music up again and leaned back against the seat; that was a perk of having to get on the train early. I did manage to get a seat, so I didn't have to stand for the thirty minute ride to my school. I did get the occasional dirty look from adults when they wanted my seat and I didn't bother standing up, but they usually didn't affect me.
When the train pulled up to my stop, I stood up gratefully; I was feeling restless despite my lethargy and I wanted to get moving. It was strange, really; I needed to walk around, but I was too tired to do anything other than go to my class and sit down. I took the most direct route to my classroom – once I had a mental map of the school in my head, I mentally charted out all the routes I could take to get to my class and chose the path with the least amount of backtracking, as that meant I was wasting fewer steps – and sank down into my desk. I had been exhausted for the past few days for some strange reason, and I didn't know why; I hadn't stayed up late or slept poorly, as far as I was aware. I folded my arms on my desk and rested my head on them. I hate not knowing. I also hate being at school so early, but there was nothing else I could do about it. I caught the only train I could – taking the next train would have made me late. Regardless of my situation, however, that did mean that I had to get to school thirty minutes before classes started – which meant that I was all alone for a while before the other students arrived.
always alone
I shrugged lethargically and sat up, sighing. Whatever. Doesn't matter. I leaned over and pulled out the book I was reading; Silica had recommended it to me several months ago, and against my better judgment I had given it another try. I hadn't hallucinated two giant animals fighting again - maybe it was just when Mortimer and I crossed paths on opposite sides - so I managed to get into it; I was two-thirds through the first book, and I wanted to see what happened next. So I stretched out, pushing my chair back, and turned my music up again, drowning out the rest of the world and losing myself in my book.
I wasn't totally lost, however, because every time someone entered the room I could hear them through the music – it wasn't so loud that I didn't know what was going on around me – and I stiffened. Each time the door slid open, I turned around to see the identity of the student that walked in; once I had matched their face to my memory of my classmates and determined that they weren't a threat, I turned back around and went back to my book. I didn't like not knowing who was in the room with me.
fear
Ten minutes before the start of class, the door opened, and once again I turned around to see who had entered the room. I grinned as I recognized the student and paused my music, putting my book away; glancing at my phone, I shook my head. She was always arriving at the same time – like clockwork. "Morning, Nick," Kana said as she walked over to my desk after dropping her bag off at her own desk.
"Mmmgh," I replied. I wasn't exactly what people would call a 'morning person', even for the woman I loved. I was at least responding to her, which was more than I did for the majority of people in the morning.
"Sleep well?"
"Mmgh-mm," I moaned with a shake of my head. Translation: no, not really.
Kana smiled at me and rubbed my shoulders before sitting down on my desk. "That's a shame. Anything you need to talk about?"
Another shake of the head. "Mmgh-mm."
She looked at me with a small smile and shook her head. "Would you rather I stop bugging you and let you go back to your book?"
"Mm-mmgh." This time it was a nod of the head. Translation: I love you, Kana, but I'm not a morning person. Stop bugging me. Kana chuckled and got off of my desk, returning to her own. She probably had something to do with her information networks or just talking to her contacts; I looked at her over my shoulder to see her sitting at her desk, calmly reading a book as well. Looks like I guessed wrong; the side of my mouth curved up slightly and I turned back to my book. I wanted to reach the end of the chapter before the start of class.
During math class, I got bored; I knew the material already, and we were just going over drills and practicing it over and over again. So I took out my book and opened it to the place I had stopped; after all, I didn't want to be too bored and fall asleep in class or something. I had just managed to lose myself in the book when someone tapped the top of my desk. I blinked and looked up to see the teacher standing there. "And could you answer the question on the board, Mr. Weyr?" he asked. The rest of the class laughed, and I flushed; why did they have to bother me? I wasn't bothering anyone else by reading quietly, and I was 'rewarded' by the entire class mocking me.
humiliation
I looked at him, and then at the board. It was just a simple integration problem; I did it in my head and looked at him. "Three fifths." Show them who they were dealing with. I was one of the smartest people in that room, and yet they tried to make fun of me? Fools. And yet despite how I was able to brush them aside and put them in their place, I realized I had hunched over slightly, deliberately shielding myself from their eyes. I straightened myself with an effort and, locking eyes with the teacher, opened my book again. I forced a small smirk onto my face and turned my attention back to my book.
At lunch, Kazuto and Asuna were already sitting there eating their lunches and talking to each other when I sat down with my meal. It wasn't much, but I rarely bought much food; I knew Asuna would have food for me. Well, she didn't technically give it to me – I stole it from her box, but she always made extra because she knew I'd take some. She actually wrapped a sandwich and wrote my name on it; if I didn't get to it before the end of lunch, it went to Kazuto, so I made a determined effort to get my food before he got my rightful reward. Kazuto looked up and grinned. "Hey, Nick."
Asuna looked up and smiled. "Good to see you." Then, her brow furrowed and she took a closer look. "Are you okay? You seem different... Angrier than usual." She studied me closely. "Maybe sadder."
sad
I frowned, tilting my head. I was probably going to have neck damage at some point due to my abysmal posture. "What are you talking about? I'm fine, Asuna." She didn't reply, instead just watching me with concern in her eyes, and I sighed. "Really, there's nothing wrong, as far as I'm aware." Kazuto looked like he was going to say something, but suddenly looked at his phone; after a second, he nodded. I wasn't sure what he had seen, but whatever it was had evidently calmed his concerns; that meant Yui was probably the one to talk to him on the phone. As for my own mental tripwires, I was somewhat busy, so I hadn't really bothered to keep a dedicated watch on my mental state as of late. Besides, so long as I stayed busy I'd probably be alright. "Trust me, with Kana by my side, I'll be fine no matter what happens."
"Aw, that's so sweet, Ry," Kana said, setting her tray down and draping herself over my shoulders. I just rolled my eyes and patted her hand; I loved her, but sometimes she did her best to annoy me. It was a harmless game, so I did my best to keep my emotions in check. I was surprisingly riled up, but I kept my calm through long practice under far more stressful circumstances. "Remember, I'm always here to talk to you," she whispered in my ear privately. "No matter what, I will never leave you."
"Thank you," I murmured just as quietly. Then, to the table at large, "What were you two talking about when I showed up?" The conversation went back to the typical flow that it usually had, and I relaxed slightly; when the focus wasn't on me, I felt better and was able to concentrate more. It turned out, the discussion was actually about the recent release of the book detailing the events of the Sword Art Online incident; Kazuto, Kana, and I had all given information regarding the major events that we took part in. I had received a copy of the book as thanks for the information I provided, and although I hadn't gotten around to reading it yet I was certain Kana had. I had the book in my bag in the event I finished my other story and needed something to read; while the conversation was going on, I quickly flipped through the book and read a few passages.
"Now that Nick's all caught up," Kana said, "we can start."
"About time," someone said, and I started as I realized that Lisbeth and Silica had arrived and taken their seats while I was eating. Lisbeth and I had somewhat... strange interactions. We were usually at each other's throat, always sniping at each other; while that wasn't unusual for me, Lisbeth was usually far more even-tempered when it came to the rest of our group. Even with Klein; the two of them bickered a lot, but it was never as bad as when she and I went at it. Despite our constant arguing, there was a very deep bond of respect for each other, and since she was one of the ones that Kazuto cared about I was always watching out for her, making sure she wasn't in any trouble. It was somewhat like the relationship between me and Silica, in that sense; she was like the little sister of the group, and so I was always watching out for her. I had been forced to intimidate some teens trying to harass her, once; they ran away once I punched one of them in the face, and Silica hadn't reported any troubles since. Benefits of having a friend four or five years older than she was, I guess.
"Bite me, Liz," I shot back. "I think that after we have to wait for you to catch up nine times out of ten, I'm allowed to have some slack."
Lisbeth scoffed. "Oh, sure, so when you have to catch up it's all 'oh, poor me, wait for me' but when it's one of us you're always so impatient. Hypocrites make me sick." I didn't do that, did I?
hypocrite
I realized I hadn't responded quickly enough; I opened my mouth to return fire, but Asuna's stern glare immediately froze me. I closed my mouth, and she relaxed; I opened it again and the glare returned. After a few more tries, I eventually sighed. "Fine, Asuna. I'll make nice." Her glare immediately transformed into a satisfied smile as she turned back to her meal. I looked to my right to see Kana busy tapping away on her phone; normally, she would have been watching the verbal sparring with interest, since she liked watching me sharpen my claws. But this time, she wasn't paying any attention at all to the venom I was spitting – it made sense, though, since I couldn't expect her to be attentive to my every need every second of the day. I wasn't that important, after all.
unimportant
Lisbeth smirked at me. "That's right, listen to Asuna. She's got you whipped worse than she does Kazuto." I coughed slightly, clearing my throat, and gestured to her right surreptitiously; she glanced in that direction and immediately flushed when she realized Kazuto was staring her levelly. She started to stammer something, but he just kept watching her; finally, she sighed. "I'll give it a rest." He nodded with a smile, and Lisbeth and I exchanged a quick glance. Those two were so alike it was scary at times.
On some occasions, Kana and I didn't go home directly after school let out; at some times, she had to stay late to take care of some deal or another, or I was held up by a meeting or some sort of delay of that nature. In those instances, Kana and I often went downtown to walk around for a while before heading home – it was her idea, not mine, but I went along with it because I could tell it made her happy to be able to walk among people and window shop. It wasn't exactly my favorite thing to do but she enjoyed it, so I tagged along without complaint. In fact, this was one of those times; she had been delayed by handling several different rumors at once, and so we missed the first train. Oh well; I didn't mind entirely, since it meant I got to spend more time with the woman I loved. As I waited, I took the time to finish my first book and get started on the book about Sword Art Online. It constantly called Kazuto the Hero, so that was something entertaining to use against him later on; the rest of the book, though, wasn't very entertaining in any other sense. It was fairly dry, but I was bored enough that I wanted to keep going; I was still waiting for my information to appear. The majority of what I contributed had to do with the boss fights, and the book seemed to be focusing more on the human interest angle.
"Ready to go?" Kana asked, and I looked up from my book to see her standing there, above me.
I nodded and stood up with a grunt. "Yep." I put my book away and slung my bag over my shoulder. "Is there anywhere you really wanted to go today?"
pointless
She pursed her lips in thought, probably going over her various options as we walked to the bus stop in front of the school. "There's a new used bookstore that just opened up downtown. Let's go check it out." A new used bookstore sounds rather oxymoronic; but I nodded, and she smiled. "Glad that's settled."
When we arrived downtown, it was already fairly busy, and I sighed. "I hate crowds," I muttered.
Kana just laughed and slipped her arm around mine. "Oh, deal with it, you big baby," she said with a faux scolding tone to her voice. "Besides, I promise once we get to the store, we'll stay there a while so that you can calm down. Who knows?" She smiled impishly – fitting, due to her previous race in Alfheim – at me. "Maybe you'll find a book to get."
"Doubt it," I grumbled. "My disposable income is relatively limited right now." There was probably a book I would like, but like I told her, I only had a limited amount of cash available on me at any given time, since I still hadn't managed to find a part-time job. Still, though, since Kana said we could stay there for a while, I'd be able to find a comfortable corner and get to reading. That would be nice.
"Hey, hot stuff," someone said. I blinked and realized that we had been wandering for a while while I was lost in my own thoughts. We had probably made it about halfway to our destination when we were accosted by a group of three older men; probably college age, trying to have a good time. "Whatcha doin' with this punk?" Oh, so I was probably the 'punk', since the guy speaking had his arm on Kana's. My tongue flicked out to lick my lips, almost like a lizard or other reptile that was tasting the air – it was a simple motor tic I had picked up somewhere along the line. It usually only surfaced when I was getting seriously stressed; when my friends noticed I started licking my lips, they often stopped trying to bother me.
tension
Kana looked at him coolly. "I don't believe that who I chose to spend my time with is any of your business." She looked him over. "Furthermore, I have received the impression that your company would be far more bothersome."
One of the other two placed a hand on my shoulder; I exhaled slowly, the breath hissing out. "This brat?" the guy said. "He your boyfriend or something?" Brat does hurt a bit, but it makes sense; I had always been slender, and though I was putting on muscle thanks to my martial arts, it wasn't the type of muscle that would intimidate people.
"Hey, hey, no touching," I said. I tried to shrug away from the grip, but it tightened suddenly, preventing me from getting away; my arms twitched with the sudden disgust and rage I felt and immediately controlled, and my lips curled slightly. My tongue flicked out again as an uncontrollable motion; I only realized it happened when my mouth closed.
vulnerable
Kana noticed the effects they were having on me and frowned. "Alright, boys, you're done. Get out of here before I call someone about harassment."
The guy who first called out to us frowned, and I realized that this was starting to get dangerous. "Gentlemen, gentlemen," I said. "I'm certain you have a fairly valid reason for bothering the two of us, but we did have a destination in mind." If I could defuse the situation without antagonizing them, that would be good. Failing that... I took in the situation, mentally forming a map of the battleground. One combatant in close quarters and in physical contact; one standing off to the side. The third is in physical contact with a primary guard. Moving quickly enough should be able to allow me to slip inside the closest combatant's guard and injure him; that should allow me to disengage and confront the one threatening the woman I had promised to protect. "I'm sure..." My voice dropped from the tenor I tried to keep it at to the baritone I used when I was being serious. "I'm sure there was just a misunderstanding and that you will be allowing us to go on our way." My tongue flicked out again.
posturing
"You got a big mouth," the one near Kana said. "Maybe we'll let you go." He grabbed Kana, and I saw her wince slightly; my eyes went flat as I finally started focusing. "But she's coming with us."
I exhaled slowly – he had hurt Kana, and so he was going to have to pay for that. "I don't think so."
anger
"Nick?" Kana said extremely calmly.
I glanced at her with my flat eyes. "Yes?"
"Go to town."
"Yes'm." I turned my eyes back to the animal that had injured my beloved. "Throughout this conversation, I've endeavored to maintain civility." My eyes narrowed. "Now, I'm saying fuck that. So you're going to let my girlfriend go, walk away, and never come near me or any of my friends ever again." I spun on my foot and punched forward, striking at the target holding me with a cross aimed at his nose; he flinched back and let go of me. Freed, I lunged forward and grabbed the leader by the throat. "Or so help me god I will rip out your intestines through your navel and hang you with them, you useless shit-eating mother-fucking cocksucker. Am I perfectly clear?" I hissed. Vulgar, yes, but I'd found when dealing with weaker creatures it was best to attempt to speak their language.
intimidate
The middle male, the one I hadn't touched, stepped forward. "Hey, asshole, what the hell are you -" I tightened my grip on the leader's throat and the increased pressure caused his eyes rolled wildly; he gestured, and the middle one backed off. That was right – I was the alpha male. These poor excuses for predators should disappear before I proved exactly why I was the alpha. My tongue flicked out again and I realized I was growling, my breath rumbling in my throat; my eyes were cold, harsh, and unmerciful. The leader of the pack had challenged me for dominance and I was going to make him realize that was the stupidest thing he could have done.
"Nick!" Kana snapped. "Drop him!" I glared at the beta male I had in my grasp last time before relaxing my grip. He staggered back, rubbing at his throat, and bolted with the rest of his pack following him. I stood there for a few seconds, after that, my body trembling with the anger and rage I had let flow for those few seconds. I felt a hand on my shoulder and I turned to see Kana there; she looked concerned. "Are you okay, Nick?"
no
I nodded slowly. "Of course. They couldn't hurt me if they tried." The anger had probably been somewhat excessive, but he had hurt Kana. She had only been hurt because I was too weak to protect her, so when I could I had to make a show of excessive force; I couldn't live with myself if she got hurt because of something I did or didn't do. I sighed and looked at her. "I'm better now. Let's get to that bookstore, already."
We eventually managed to find it, but I wasn't able to focus, absently running my hand along the worn spines of the paperback books, enjoying the feel of the old paper. There was just something soothing about holding a book in my hand, and I definitely needed something soothing at the moment. The incident with the three thugs was replaying in my mind over and over again, refusing to leave me alone – could I have said something else to defuse the situation, or was the conflict inevitable? Did I truly go overboard in threatening him, or had he earned it? I let my eyes unfocus as I just stared at the bookshelves and sighed; I needed to examine my emotional state. I relaxed my subconscious shields and let myself be submerged in my feelings.
useless terror fear rage hatred pain sadness fear weak unimportant alone alone rage useless worthless disappear loathing anger lonely scared damaged tired
I grimaced; that wasn't good. There was no real trace of joy or happiness; there had always been a small undercurrent of happiness that grew bigger when I was with Kana. But right now, I had literally no trace of happiness; I couldn't find anything in the flood of anger, sadness, and hatred. "Shit." I hadn't realized that I had lost that particular thread of happiness, although it does explain quite a bit. It did explain why I was so angry at times, and why my motor tics had started coming back. Normally, they were under control; however, this was not exactly a shining example of normal.
"Hey, Nick, I -" Kana walked around the corner of the nearest and stopped speaking, moving over to me. "You have that look again. Are you sure you're okay?"
I didn't answer her question – I would never lie to her, but avoiding the question was acceptable. "Kana, would it be okay if I came over tonight?" I was essentially telling her that something was wrong, but that I wasn't ready to talk about it yet.
She accepted the dodge and thought about my question. "I don't see why it should be a problem," she replied, likely comprehending the underlying message. "I'm pretty sure dinner won't be an issue, and staying the night definitely won't be an issue." This wouldn't be the first time I'd stayed over at Kana's for the night; my mother was fine with it, and after Kana's parents decided I wasn't a problem – which did take some doing, although they warmed up to me eventually – they had no problem with me staying the night so long as nothing happened. I nodded quietly and we continued browsing; my mind wasn't on the books, though.
Before we went to Kana's house, we stopped by my home; I got changed to something slightly more comfortable than the uniform – Kana watched appreciatively while I stripped. After I had put on casual clothes, I grabbed my laptop and the AmuSphere, putting them into my bag. Kana had one of her own, but she used it; we each also had our NerveGears, the machine that had gotten us together in the first place, but she didn't like using them for fairly obvious reasons. That did mean, of course, that I had to bring my AmuSphere with me when I went over if we wanted to play online together. So, I usually ended up bringing my AmuSphere when I went over to her house.
We took the train to her house – it was similar to my own house, with two separate stories; the main living room was technically connected to the kitchen, with a small breakfast bar separating the two areas. We entered the house to see that Kana's mother was home and had dinner ready; Kana had probably called her while I was changing to let her know that I was coming over. I had left my own parental unit a note saying I wouldn't be back until the next day, so that part was taken care of. Kana went upstairs to change while I started eating. Kana's mother and I made small talk – albeit reluctantly on my part – until Kana came back down wearing the brown hooded sweatshirt I had bought her for Christmas. It was as close to her cloak from Alfheim and Aincrad as I could manage without actually buying a cloak; this way, though, she could wear it when we went out on weekends.
After we all finished eating, Kana and I made our excuses and made our way upstairs into her room; it was fairly sparse, with a bed and desk and not much more. Just like me, she didn't tend to decorate all that much with things like posters. There was one or two stuffed animals – I had won one of them for her at a festival once, and the other was one she had owned for a long time. I didn't own any stuffed animals myself, but I could see the appeal; I usually hugged one while I sat on her bed, which was equally comfortable. This time, though, Kana just sat on the bed and watched me with worry in her eyes – there was nothing I was going to say to her right then, though, and so I just sat down on the bed beside her. She leaned back against my shoulder, getting comfortable; I opened my bag with one hand and pulled out the AmuSphere, plugging it in to the wall right next to her own AmuSphere. Eventually, she sighed. "I'll see you inside the game."
"Yeah," I said, my voice somewhat dull. I just didn't want to do anything; I was just so tired. Probably an effect of the depression currently afflicting me – it actually reminded me so much of how I had been before the Sword Art Online incident and before I met Kana and the others. My tongue flicked out and I sighed. "Link start."
pointless
When my vision cleared, I was lying on the bed beside Argo in our apartment in Yggdrasil City. Argo was stretched out, taking up more of the bed than I was; I had barely a corner, and I was supposed to be the cat here. Din appeared on the bed after a few seconds, reacting to our logging in; he had taken to sleeping on the bed next to us, just like Yui and her adopted family. He had actually picked up a lot of habits from Yui, especially at the beginning when he was still new and developing his own personality. "Good evening," he said after a quick yawn.
Argo smiled at him. "Evening, Din. Sleep well?" He usually slept during the day, spending most of the night doing research. That did mean, of course, that he didn't interact with us much during school, but he was always awake when Argo and I were online. Yui had complained to me about it a few times – she said that she had wanted a friend to talk to, but Din was always sleeping – but there wasn't anything I could do about it.
He nodded. "Very well, thank you." He looked at both of us. "Where are we going today?"
I looked at Argo. "Up to you." I had no drive to do anything, and so I would put the decision in Argo's hands. Maybe when I was feeling better, I would be able to make plans. However, I just wanted nothing more than to go to sleep.
so tired
"Gah!" I exclaimed as a monster's blade slipped past my guard and sliced into my shoulder. "Fucking hell!" I twisted and pivoted, ripping the axe out of the monster's hands by doing a brief handstand and kicking it the face. Normally, I would have used that to then spring forward and continue the combo, taking advantage of the monster's disorientation; however, I had a large axe sticking out of my shoulder, which probably needed my attention first. Standing up, I tugged on the axe, ripping it out of the wound and tossing it aside. "Die!" I focused, pulling the words I needed from my memory and preparing the spell. I hissed them quickly, the words appearing around me as I said them; when I spat out the last word, they disappeared and I did as well. The Illusion spell worked well; I had specialized almost entirely in that school of magic, ignoring the small bit of Beast Taming magic I had started with. I would never be as powerful as Kirito if he chose to develop his Illusion magic skills, because he was a Spriggan, but I was up there in terms of uses I found for the school. I started chanting the next spell; the fact that I was invisible gave me a small window of time before the enemies would be able to reorient themselves and attack me, so I could get the spell off before I would be interrupted.
My speed doubled when the spell completed, and I started moving around the battlefield. The enemies seemed like they were moving in slow motion, and I was able to jump around and through their attacks; I didn't even need to use Future Step at all, since their attacks were extremely slow. With several slashes, I carved them up into little tiny bits. My tongue flicked out as I fought, and I grinned ferally as I let my anger out on the hapless enemies; my breath rumbled out in a constant low, deep growl, occasionally interspersed with a sharp hiss as I attacked.
challenged
Once they were dead, I straightened up. "They're gone," I called out. My heart was still racing from the adrenaline pumping through my system, and my shoulder was starting to get feeling back. "It's safe."
Argo appeared from where she had been hidden behind a veil that blended in with the rest of the surroundings; another of my Illusion spells. Argo wasn't a poor fighter by any means – nobody that survived Aincrad was – but she had wanted to watch the fight, since it was the culmination of a quest. The monsters had spawned when I delivered a quest item, and Argo wanted to know everything about the encounter for the purposes of selling that information to the highest bidder, as far as I was aware. So, I fought them all alone while she watched and took notes. If I had been in major trouble, she would have come to my rescue immediately, but Din had been monitoring my status the whole time and he had probably assured her that even though I took a few blows here and there I would be fine.
Din flew over and landed on my shoulder. "Are you all right, Dad?" I gave him a look, and he sighed. "Your battle parameters were off, and you weren't fighting like you usually do. Something is wrong."
wrong
I sighed, eventually. "Fine. I need to talk to someone eventually, don't I." I turned to Argo. "Let's return to home base, and I'll spill."
She smiled in relief. "All right, Ry. I've got what I needed anyway, so we're done here."
We returned to the apartment, and I collapsed on the bed with a sigh. Argo sat down beside me, pulling me into a hug. "C'mon, Ry, talk to me," she said. "What's going on?"
I closed my eyes, organizing my thoughts. "...I tell people I don't care about what they say. That their words just slide off my armor, that I can't feel the pain." hurts I gritted my teeth. "The thing is, it doesn't work like that. It still hurts like a motherfucker at times, especially when the depression kicks in." terrible I put my arm over my eyes. "Right now, it's at the peak of depression, so there's that. It feels like the world is against me." I laughed bitterly. "But it makes sense, doesn't it? I'm just a monster that shouldn't exist. I'm... I'm..." monster I snorted. should be gone "I don't even know what's wrong with me. Not officially, anyway." I had some guesses. Argo didn't say anything; she never did – she always just waited until I had disappointment ranted myself out. "I have no self-esteem, and the only reason I act like I'm the hottest shit ever is because if I didn't then I'd probably be suicidal. Hell, the only reason I'm not is because right now, death is more boring than being alive." pain I shook my head. "But they're right, aren't they? I'm just someone they can laugh at, someone they can justifiably feel better than." bottom My throat felt like it was clogged, like my words were trying to fit past something that prevented me from breathing. "It makes sense, though, doesn't it? E-everything follows a pattern... and the social structures of humanity mean that someone is on the bottom. Why... why shouldn't it be me?" worthless I closed my eyes and rolled onto my side, looking into her eyes. "I'm just terrified that I'm going to say something, do something that will hurt you, that will make you hate me." terror If I hurt her, my reason for living would... fear I gritted my teeth as my eyes started to burn. "I just... I can't..." A snake doesn't cry. Rythin doesn't cry. So I can't...
Then, Argo wrapped her arms around me and I lost my battle with myself, the tears starting to flow without my being able to stop them. Argo held me close, stroking my hair and letting me sob without saying anything; she knew this was what I needed. And somewhere between one gasp and another, I was back in the real world – the different gravity alone told me all I needed to know, let alone the lack of sensory input from the ears and tail – and sobbing into Argo's chest as she held me, letting me cry myself out. "I hate..." myself, and "the world hates me..." hatred I cried. "Everyone I've ever loved leaves me, no matter what I do..." My body was being racked with sobs, so it was a surprise I was able to speak at all. "Why can't I ever hold on to anything I care about?" alone
"I'm right here," Argo whispered. "I won't abandon you. I'll never leave you." She held on to me tighter while I clutched at her shirt sleeve and continued sobbing late into the night, whispering words of love and healing to help me mend.
May 16th, 2026
"Hey, Nick..." My shoulder was shaken and I screwed my eyes tighter in an attempt to stay asleep. "Nick, you have to get up." I cracked one eye open to see Argo leaning over me, dressed in her pajamas. "School starts in an hour and you have to get home."
I grumbled. "Guh." Don't want to move, don't want to get up. Comfortable, warm. Outside is cold.
She sighed. "Right, not a morning person." Nope, not. "Well, I'm getting up." Bed moving, uncomfortable. Colder. I wriggled deeper into the covers, searching for the heat. Then, the sheets disappeared and I whimpered. "Get up." Cold cold cold.
Eventually, I pushed myself to my feet and swung off the bed. I looked around and searched for a clock; I found one and my eyes widened. Fuck – it was really late, and by the time I got back to my house to change I'd be more than late. Class would have started. "Bye, Argo," I grumbled. I gave her a quick hug and made my way toward the door – I had slept in my clothes, so other than putting my AmuSphere in the bag, which seemed to have already been done, I was ready to go on a moment's notice.
She wrapped her arms around me from behind and nuzzled my neck. "Feeling better?"
I glanced over my shoulder and smiled at her; she kissed me on the cheek. "Much." Just to be sure, I double-checked; sure enough, the current of happiness was back. "Thank you."
I finally made it to school – only a half-hour late, which was about an hour later than I usually made it to school – and made it to my classroom. I quietly opened the door and prepared to do my best to sneak in to the class without being noticed. Of course, that wasn't really possible, so a second after I opened the door I strode in confidently. "Mr. Weyr," the teacher said. "How nice of you to join us."
I cracked a grin. "Hello."
He raised an eyebrow. "I hope you have a good explanation for your tardiness."
"Well..." It only took me a split second to know exactly what I was going to say. "See, the thing is, I slept with someone last night, and I forgot to set my alarm." And just like that, every person's jaw in the class hit the floor. I stole a glance at Argo's face; she was beet red and seemed to be choking on thin air. The teacher, on the other hand, was speechless. "And it was at their place, so I had to catch a train back, so..." I shrugged, tilting my head slightly to the side. "I'm sure you've never had to deal with a situation like that, sir..." Double strike – insinuate that he'd never gotten laid, but if pressed explain how I was talking about sleeping with someone out of wedlock or just because they were there. "But they do tend to make someone pressed for time."
The teacher sighed in defeat. "Just take your seat."
I cracked a small smirk. "Yes, sir." I made my way to my seat, passing Argo along the way. She had her hand out, and I lightly tapped it with my fist; she appreciated what I had said, even if the rest of the class had likely missed it. When I took my seat, I leaned forward, hiding my mouth with my laced hands. I licked my lips again, on purpose this time, like the cat that got into the cream, ate the canary, and any other manner of actions that cat would undertake to become as self-satisfied as I felt.
Thank the gods for Argo.
happy
Depression isn't something nice. It's not dramatic, or a cheap ploy to gain sympathy. Nick genuinely feels like he's worthless, that he's a monster that deserves to be on the bottom. If he didn't have someone he could talk to, someone that he trusted; if he didn't have Argo, he would revert back to the way he was at the beginning, before the SAO incident – lonely, tired, and without much will to live. He'd go through the motions, but the drive wouldn't be there.
Anything that is in italics and doesn't seem like it should belong (which is like all but two or three things) is the emotional spike Nick is feeling at that point in time.
Many thanks to everyone that favorited, followed, or reviewed. Special thanks go to Undeadmonkey8 and Alicornication for being dedicated reviewers.
