Thank you for your reviews! Sorry it took me so long to upload this chapter, but my job just requires so much overtime at the moment, it's insane!
Previously
Andy's breath had fogged up the mirror and she could no longer see him there, standing behind her. But she could still feel him inside of her. Her insides were twitching and her knees weak. She leaned her forehead against the cold surface and concentrated on slowing her breathing down.
Chapter 7
She couldn't tell how long they had stayed like this, Andy had completely lost track of time. But the fact that she was starting to shiver slightly – and this time for other reasons than blissful physical satisfaction – was an indication that now her utter exhaustion was taking its toll.
Sam could feel her trembling and was the first to move. After placing a gentle kiss on her shoulder, he took a step back from her, his hands reluctantly letting go of her hips. The loss of physical contact hit him immediately, like a punch in the gut. Now he, too, could feel the exhaustion. It was thick in the room, mixed with some confusion and a bit of unarticulated 'what-do-we-do-now?'.
He looked at her form, reflected in the mirror; she still had her forehead pressed against the mirror, her eyes closed. This undercover mission had drained her of much of her vital energy, he could see it now, very clearly. He could only wonder what deplorable things she had had to witness during her time in the strip club, a place full of misogyny and desperation. And coming home to an apartment like this certainly didn't help. Hopefully she was close to exposing Michael Clerk's operation so she could come home. Of course this mission would haunt her for a long time to come – she would be wondering about all the women she couldn't save, the ones that came before. But Sam knew better than to ask. This wasn't the time or the place for it.
Grabbing a bathrobe from a hook behind the door, Swarek nudged Andy gently so she would slip her arms into the sleeves. She had to force herself to open her eyes, a knot of anxiety in her belly. What would happen now? Being too tired to make any projections or to even try working out what she wanted to happen, McNally let him take the lead and did as he suggested, slipping on the bathrobe. She felt a bit like a little girl when Sam, still standing behind her, reached around her to tie the belt of her robe in the front. It was a threadbare old thing, but it warmed her and she was relieved to cover her naked body up again, as that was helping with the awkwardness that was slowly spreading out, the more the two became aware of each other's presence.
Just a few minutes ago they had been one, but now they were two separate people again who could not possibly conjecture what the other was feeling at that moment. At one point in time, Andy had thought they were close, that she could understand him. But then he broke up with her, which hit her out of the blue. Then he told her he loved her – again, it was as expected as a random stroke of lightning. At this point she had had to own up to the fact that she would never know the mind – or the heart – of Sam Swarek.
She was relieved to see he was collecting his underwear and jeans from the floor, putting them back on without looking at her. Now that he was mostly clothed again, she felt it was safe to slowly turn around and look at him, taking care to put her weight only on her uninjured leg. She racked her brain for something to say; but everything she came up with either sounded incredibly trivial or dismissive of what had just happened between them. Alternatively, she could jump in at the deep end with a "Sam, what are we doing here?" or a "So, what does this mean?" She wasn't sure she was ready to have any discussion about this. Now (or ever).
This loop of thoughts came to a screeching halt when she saw him put on his shirt. The knuckles of his right hand were smudged with dried blood. How come she hadn't noticed before? Andy stopped him, mid-movement, by reaching for his hand and pulling it closer so she could have a better look at it. The renewed physical contact caused his skin to tingle.
"What happened, Sam?" Andy was surprised to hear her own voice so raspy, as if she hadn't used it for a week. Somehow she knew that this was not from hitting her. There was no way it could've caused this kind of damage. For the first time she looked directly into his eyes. She could tell he was very reluctant to answer. To give him a bit more time she reached to her left where the first aid kit was still on the counter top. She took a bit of gauze and moistened it slightly. When she set to work, gently dabbing off the dried blood, she realized that his whole hand was bruised badly and the fact that he wasn't able to suppress the occasional hiss was more than enough proof.
"Sam? Talk to me", she insisted while continuing her work with iodine. "This isn't from hitting me." Sam sighed, after another long silence. "No, it's not", and, as if it were an afterthought, he added, "It's from hitting a wall." Andy's head jerked up, her eyes wide with surprise. "Why on earth would you…", but her voice trailed off. It suddenly dawned on her. He had hit a wall because he was hurting. And he was hurting because he had had to hurt her. Sam just shrugged his shoulders. "It just… I didn't think about it. It just happened."
Andy was ashamed that she hadn't seen it before. She was so preoccupied with her own injuries that she hadn't even thought about him – and that although he had been so caring, dressing her wounds, wrecked by guilt. "I'm sorry, Sam." He looked at her inquisitively. Apparently, he couldn't quite understand where this apology was coming from. "It's just… sometimes I'm so preoccupied, so wrapped up in my own problems that I don't see what's going on around me," Andy admitted. She focused on his knuckles, glad she had something to do that kept her from having to look at him. Secretly she hoped he would read between the lines and understand that she wasn't only talking about the present situation.
"Don't worry about it," he said and forced his signature lop-sided smile, which didn't reach his sad eyes, however. "Some people just don't bruise as easily. Or maybe they do, but it just doesn't show on the surface." Why did she have the feeling that she wasn't the only one talking about more important things than their immediate injuries? This was most certainly about something else. But neither of them was ready to spell it out, as that might lead to more injury, to more heartbreak.
Her mind was a blank, and she set out to utter another "I'm sorry." But this time, it got stuck somewhere in her throat. Instead, she just remained silent, looked at him for another short moment and then squeezed his hand reassuringly. "We're all done here." Sam looked down at his hand and saw that it was all wrapped up in a thin white bandage. "Thanks." This time his smile was genuine and reached his eyes.
Sam knew he had to leave now. The longer he stayed, the more he would endanger her cover. And they had both learned the hard way that this was something they had to avoid at all costs. It would also get more difficult to leave the longer he was in her presence. There was this familiarity between them that had always had this way of causing him to be unreasonable. He turned away from Andy and opened the bathroom door. Finding his shoes and jacket outside in the living room, he put them on awkwardly, using his left hand as much as he could. When he was finished he turned around, seeing Andy, as expected, leaning against the frame of the bathroom door. She was ready to collapse with exhaustion, he could tell.
"I'll be leaving over the fire escape again. Just to make sure." Andy nodded in agreement, her expression unreadable. Sam was already halfway through the window when he turned around and blurted out, "I really don't want you to go back in there alone, without backup. This Michael guy seems very dangerous."
"He is… he's extremely dangerous. But I knew that before taking on this mission. There was no way to bring in two people undercover, it wouldn't have worked." Andy said wearily. Of course they had thought about all eventualities, had considered all options. And it wasn't like she was looking to take more risk than necessary. There was just no other way and she didn't feel like having a lengthy discussion with Sam, explaining all of this.
Sam seemed to choose his next words very carefully for fear of appearing patronizing. "But I'm in the picture now. You've managed to successfully build me into your cover. I could be there tomorrow night at the club – stalk you, reinforce your story. And back you up until you know they've completely bought your story." Well, when Swarek put it like that… it actually sounded like a good plan. If she was honest to herself, she was scared of Mike. And Andy sure as hell didn't scare easily.
However, being as weary as she was at this point, McNally didn't trust herself enough to make such an important decision. "Clear this with Rachel. She already knows you were here and Boyd can put you in touch. I completely trust her judgment. If she agrees, come to the club tonight, stalk me, and pretend to get drunk. In addition to my injuries that should be convincing enough so I can make my move on Mike, ask him to help me leave the city immediately." As she spoke, Andy got more and more convinced that this was the safest way to handle things. Neil's presence could be the catalyst she needed to speed things up. The sooner she brought him down the fewer women would have to suffer at his hands. And the sooner she could go home.
"Alright," Sam agreed. He didn't want to say anything else, for he was afraid Andy could change her mind. And when she spoke again, he half expected her to do just that. But she only added, "Sam, no matter what happens, this is my op. If it goes sideways, it's my fault. Only my fault. And if I signal you to leave, you leave and you don't come back to the club. I'll see you when I see you… back at the 15th."
This was a goodbye as good as any, he figured, and left. Cold winter air had come through the open window and the temperature in the apartment had dropped another couple of degrees. Andy closed the window – Swarek was already disappeared, she couldn't see him on the street or anywhere. Her bare feet were hurting because they were so cold. "Hot shower," she thought. Hot shower and bed.
