I don't own Tolkien's work, nor any of the other recognisable characters/quotes I borrow from people with better senses of humour than me. This is non-profit and I do it for fun and for the wonderful reviews :) So thank you!
Thanks to Virtuella for the idea I use below (Aragorn! changed his name to Smellagorn)
I nearly didn't survive to write this chapter after being chased and almost eaten by the mini-balrog, Gandal. Thanks to everyone who warned me.
Awesome Merry: fighting ringwraiths is lame... you end up with a sort of hangover of darkness when really I'd rather have a hangover of beer.
Aragorn!: No! No beer. I am Healing you. No beer until you are Healed.
Awesome Merry: but beer is good for you!
Pippin Took: at least you got to fight! I got to run around being patronised. And almost flattened by siege weapons.
Awesome Merry: yeah, but now I'm stuck in bed, and I'm sure there'll be more fighting soon. And you got a really spiffy uniform!
Pippin Took: Yes, it is rather spiffing. But then, we Knights of Gondor can't be expected to run around looking scruffy, like those smelly blond horse-appreciaters. We have a reputation to maintain and a proud city to defend.
Awesome Merry: I think by "smelly blond horse-appreciaters," you mean "the people who saved your 'proud city' because they actually know how to fight". When Rohan does a Last Desperate Charge for Death and Honour, we make sure the Death part isn't ours. That's the sensible way of doing things.
Pippin Took: well, there's not much honour about being covered in horse-sweat, is there?
Awesome Merry: Gondorians are so morbid they should be called... Morbidorians.
Pippin Took: oh, run along to your horse-appreciation meeting.
Awesome Merry: I just hope you take those pointy helmets off during thunderstorms.
Éowyn and Faramir are in a relationship.
Awesome Merry: gosh, I never saw that one coming...
Sam Gamgee: well, that was easier than I expected. Thank the Valar for the Orcs' bad tempers.
Frodo Baggins: give It back now!
Frodo Baggins: sigh. I can't wait to be rid of this damn thing. Sorry Sam.
Smellagorn: I'm the King! Nearly.
Smellagorn: wait...
Smellagorn changed his name to Aragorn!
Aragorn! wrote on Legolas Greenleaf's wall. You and your bloody elvish hacking skills.
Gimli Sonofgloin commented on Aragorn!'s wallpost: Ain't got nothing on MY "hacking" skills. Hur hur hur.
Aragorn!: what? How does that even make sense?
Gimli Sonofgloin:...because I hack stuff with my axe?
Aragorn!: Oh you made a pun! I'm so proud of you. But, just for future reference, the hur hur hur is usually reserved for dodgy sexual innuendo puns, OK? But that was a good first effort.
Gimli Sonofgloin: you mean you humans even have special categories of pun within punning? Wow.
Legolas Greenleaf: wait, I think I've got one... can you- HACK- it?
Aragorn!: another thing (and I hate to be so picky when you're both so new at this) but puns should ideally relate somehow to the conversation. And puns don't need to be capitalised.
Gimli Sonofgloin: ha, I get it! PICK-y!
Aragorn!: *Sigh*
Aragorn! changed his name to Smellagorn Mortalbreath.
Sam Gamgee: is really sad. :(
Frodo Baggins: never mind, Sam. We can get you some more pots and pans when we get back.
Smellagorn Mortalbreath changed his name to I'm Practically King So Stop Fucking With Me, Legolas, Or You Will Be Royally Beaten.
Frodo Baggins changed his name to Frood Baggins.
Frood Baggins: I still know where my towel is.
Sam Gamgee: Really? I threw out all my beloved saucepans and you've still been lugging around a friggin' towel?
I'm Practically King So Stop Fucking With Me, Legolas, Or You Will Be Royally Beaten wrote on Legolas Greenleaf's wall: *in long-suffering yet patient tone of voice befitting the practically king* I'm changing my passwords and I will cause you great pain if you hack my account one more time.
Legolas Greenleaf: hey, why do you always blame me, Mr I'm-Practically-King?
I'm Practically King So Stop Fucking With Me, Legolas, Or You Will Be Royally Beaten changed his name to Smellagorn!
Smellagorn! changed his name to Aragorn!
Aragorn! wrote on Legolas Greenleaf's wall: That's it. I'm going to put a seagull in your pack.
Legolas Greenleaf: it's not me, for the last time! I have better things to do, thank you very much, then indulge in petty jokes on the eve of battle! I'm worrying about Frodo and Sam.
Aragorn! No, you're not. You're on Facebook playing "BeSilmarilled Blitz". And if it's not you, who is it? You're the one who calls me "Smellagorn"
Legolas Greenleaf: and you're the one who doesn't brush his teeth very often. We all have our roles to play.
Legolas Greenleaf; a diversion!
Gimli Sonofgloin: your intellecte never fails to astound me...
Pippin Took: you spelt "intellect' wrong.
Gimli Sonofgloin: remind me, why did we ever try to rescue you again?
Aragorn!changed his name to Not Even that Attractive and Certainly Not Worth Giving up Immortality For,
Awesome Merry: thanksss PIP! Fo smugglingging the beer here into the hosuesofhealering!
Pippin Took: Don' telll Arara- Ararara- Ara- don' tel Strider!
Not Even that Attractive and Certainly Not Worth Giving up Immortality For changed his name to I Am Totally Worth It.
I Am Totally Worth It changed his name to Why Don't you Marry a Nice Elvish Boy, Instead?
Why Don't you Marry a Nice Elvish Boy, Instead?: ...ELROND! YOU BASTARD! WHY DON'T YOU JUST GIVE UP ALREADY? WHY DON'T YOU STOP INTERFERING WITH MY FACEBOOK ACCOUNT AND WITH YOUR DAUGHTER'S CHOICES? NEXT TIME I SEE YOU I'M GOING TO MAKE YOU SORRY, YOU BLOODY CROSS-DRESSING TWERP.
Legolas Greenleaf: see, Aragorn? I told you it wasn't me!
Gimli Sonofgloin: Small chance of success? Almost certain death?.. It's times like this I wish I had some sort of survival instinct...
