A/N: Finally, I managed to get the new chapter up. Sorry for being that late, but I kept getting sidetracked by odd inspirations for later chapters of this story… And in addition, there is life, work, job hunt (and tons of other lame excuses). Plus the fact that I still don't really like that chapter… Bear with me. And sorry once more.
Anyway, Part II by now. Another rather slow-paced chapter (in my opinion), containing more information, a few selected clues, a slightly philosophical/poetic dimension and… other stuff. Here you go.
Warning: Just realized I never issued a warning before… Well, I promised a certain someone (*wink*) to include a less innocent kissing scene, but that's all it is. A little less innocent. And only kissing. So no real warning, I guess.
Opening quote is taken from a very beautiful song called "Black Roses Red" by Alana Grace. I really adore the beginning (basically the lines I quoted here), and in my opinion, it's a song about trust issues; hence it fits my story perfectly.
Before I forget, the quote about playing with fire Genesis uses towards the end is by Oscar Wilde, taken from his play "A Woman of No Importance".
II. Questions
~oOo~
Can I ask you a question, please?
Promise you won't laugh at me;
Honestly, I'm standing here
Afraid I'll be betrayed.
As twisted as it seems,
I only feel loved when it's in my dreams;
So let in the morning light
And let the darkness fade away…
~oOo~
With their typical buzzing sound, the neon tubes in the entrance hall lit up. It was past midnight, too late for people just having finished their day shifts, but still too early for anybody returning from night duty. As a result, the hall was empty and silent, despite the two solitary sets of footfall, one slightly heavier than the other, that had just set off the lights.
The official housings for those members of Shinra staff living on the company's premises were located in adjoining buildings, close to the Shinra main tower, but not as noticeable as Midgar's infamous trademark. Likewise, this place, where most employees of the Military Department resided, was a long stretched block, with one central elevator system in the middle and two large wings, one headed north-east and the other south-west.
When the two arrived at said elevator, Genesis reached for his ID card to active the system, but as usual, Angeal was just a little bit faster. It was one their daily competitions, a slightly more grown-up variety of the games they had played in their childhood, and a try to make those omnipresent security measures more entertaining. When they first moved to Midgar after growing up in the countryside, they had considered those measures a sign of paranoia, but meanwhile, they both knew only too well about their necessity. Swipe card or palm scan activated locks and devices were a standard accessory in every official Shinra building, but at least the amount of security cameras in the housing sections was lower, and the remaining observation devices were located in the entrance areas of the main hallways only, not directly in front of the rooms, so there was at least the illusion of more privacy.
Talking of which, a good indicator for climbing the ladder of hierarchy within the Shinra Company was the amount of individuality and privacy you were generously granted by your employer. For no matter if you started your career as a laboratory assistant in the Science Department or as a recruit in the one of the military units, in the beginning, you had to be satisfied if people addressed you with your proper name and not with your rank or function only. In addition, virtually everything you did was prescribed by superiors: when (and unfortunately also what) to eat, when to sleep, how to behave and so on. Fortunately, with each step you climbed on the ladder, you were given back certain rights and the possibility to make your own decisions again, within the rules that applied to your current position and to Shinra staff in general, of course. Your loyalty has to remain with the company all the time.
A perfect example for that loosening of ties was the official army dress code. Low ranking members of the guard and the infantry where not only told exactly and in every detail what their uniform was supposed to look like, they also had an official 'equipment order' about all those odds and ends they needed to carry around all the time, even if some of those didn't make sense. Angeal could still recall Genesis complaining endlessly about that fact. 'Why for Gaia's sake do I have to carry a sewing kit with me? Do they honestly think I have time to mend something on a mission? And a piece of chalk? It's not like we are going on a cave expedition, is it?'
After being promoted into the officer's ranks or joining a special unit like SOLDIER, there were still more than enough rules concerning your outward appearance, but you were at least able to make minor choices, like wearing short or long sleeves, or to apply all the armouring parts or not. And as a SOLDIER first class, you could wear your uniform in whatever fashion you preferred, as long as it still consisted entirely of Shinra issued parts and clearly showed off your rank and position within the unit. There was a final step-up, of course: Once you had reached a legendary status within the Shinra Army, meaning that everybody knew your face, name and rank, you got away with wearing whatever you wanted, as long as it still resembled some sort of uniform.
Another unmistakable sign for your current position on the infamous hierarchy ladder was the number of people you shared rooms with. Higher executives, senior members of the Turks or the Science Department and a few selected commanding officers were offered the choice to occupy either suites, located in the top part of the building, or apartments in the better areas of down-town Midgar, which were paid for by the company, while he housings for 'ordinary' staff and low ranking members of the army offered no such luxuries. Back in the infantry, Angeal and Genesis had been used to live together with up to eight comrades, which had been quite tedious at times. Only when they were selected as candidates for SOLDIER, the two finally got a small room on their own, and one of the privileges from Second Class onwards included the right to occupy one's quarters all alone. Although they were both initially unwilling to be separated like this, they knew that it would have been considered quite odd if they refused. Never deliberately waive a right, as one of the unwritten rules for Shinra staff stated, you have few enough as it is.
Despite the fact that that he considered his current living conditions quite comfortable, Angeal had to admit that sharing rooms had one decided advantage, if the right person was involved. Although he had doubted he would ever do so, he secretly regretted that those Third Class times were long over. And tonight, he caught himself having exactly that thought again, for a slightly different reason. Covertly, he tried to catch another glimpse of Genesis. They hadn't spoken since they left the office complex, and being that silent was a rather unusual thing, for a person as lively as his best friend at least. Was it only the light, or was he looking paler than before?
After they had entered the elevator, Genesis leaned to the wall, before he turned his head slightly to look at Angeal. He smiled again, but it was one of those frequent half-smiles that seemed almost unreal, for it left those bright blue eyes completely unaffected. Still, as if he was aware of Angeal's thoughts, he calmly stated: "I'm fine. Just tired."
And as Angeal had no idea what he could have possibly said in return, he just denoted a nod.
Walking down another hallway, still side by side, they finally reached the door to Angeal's room. Realizing that he had put his ID card back into some pocket of his uniform after they entered the elevator, and as he couldn't be bothered to look for it, Angeal just entered a 10-digit number on the key pad. With a green blinking light, the system accepted the override. He had expected Genesis to make a playful comment about his laziness or a remark about the fact that one could change the lock settings from card to palm scan, if preferred, but his opposite remained silent.
And not only that. When Angeal entered the room, Genesis stayed on the other side of the threshold as if it was some kind of demarcation line he was not supposed to cross. Considering how close they had been just minutes ago, this distance seemed somehow odd, if not inappropriate.
"After you took that detour anyway, you might as well come in," Angeal finally remarked, hinting on the fact that Genesis' own quarters were located one level above and in the opposing part of the building, the south-west wing.
"As it seems, I've only about five hours left, so I guess I should better spend them sleeping," Genesis returned with a hint of hesitation.
"Agreed with that. But I don't think it matters where exactly," Angeal stated calmly. Genesis just threw him a puzzling glance back, and although Angeal did not really know what to read in it, he hurried to add: "It's just an offer. No hidden intentions, of course."
"Well, I'm not worried about intentions, hidden or otherwise. I just don't think that's a very rational idea. So… no, thanks. I get by on my own. Honestly."
Obviously Genesis had seen right through the fact that despite his efforts to hide it, the newly received knowledge about his friend's medical appointment today still bothered Angeal. Even now, he somehow felt hesitant to let Genesis out of his sight, and he silently scolded himself for that feeling. For Gaia's sake, he is right. He's a grown-up person, and he's perfectly capable. Why am I making such a fuss about it?
Was it those memories of the incident two years ago he still recalled to vividly? Or was it the underlying fear that something like this might happen again? For whatever reason, in the end, Angeal could not resist to reach out again, as if to brush back another strand of hair from Genesis' face, completely aware of the fact that this was nothing but an alibi gesture. Even more, the movement was quite deliberate and calculated, for the purpose was beyond simple touching. Whenever Genesis had suffered from adverse reactions in the past, fever had been one of the first signs. Knowing quite well that Genesis would not appreciate an openly concerned gesture as touching his forehead, Angeal settled for this indirect approach. A definite disadvantage of this tactic was that it gave him very little time to concentrate on what he was feeling. It was a certain amount of warmth, definitely more than average. Enough to worry?
Genesis gave him a knowing look. "I honour your concern, but do you think that's an appropriate measure?"
Angeal was actually surprised about that rather tame reaction. After everything Genesis had pointed out before, he had expected a fierce reproach. "Was it that obvious, or did you develop mind reading abilities?" he returned, with a just a hint of affection shining through his words.
"Neither. Blame your eyes for giving you away. First, their expression is exactly like when you are trying to solve a problem, but than it gets somehow... deeper."
Genesis wasn't really sure what to do in the current situation. A strange feeling had taken hold of him, the sensation of being completely split up and unable to make a decision. Part of him didn't like the fact that Angeal was worried about him, because it made him feel weak and incapable, even more, downright guilty. Yet an equal part felt not only flattered, but also incredibly happy that finally someone cared. Even more, someone that meant a lot to him. There had been more than enough times in his life when all he had really desired was for that to happen… Still, he was at a total loss with the question which of these contradicting feelings he should give in to. Normally, he would just listen to his heart. Normally... But this was not a normal situation, was it?
Still unsure what to do, he decided to use his standard technique again: ignore that problem, focus on something else instead. His mind randomly chose the next best thing, the very object he was looking at anyway: Angeal's eyes. Doing so, the feeling of confusion increased for a moment, but right in the next, it stopped altogether. It literally vanished like turned off, and left behind only calmness and the determination to listen to the voice he had always trusted, the voice of his heart, which sending an unmistakable message.
With a velvety undertone one could have called seductive, Genesis stated: "Don't you think there's a better way to find out what you want to know?"
If he was surprised, Angeal hid it very well. "And what kind of strategy would you suggest?"
For once, Genesis did not reply with words. He took a decided step forward, before he reached out and lightly put his arms around Angeal's waist to draw him closer. Angeal reacted first by resting his hands on Genesis' forearms, gently stroking them up and down in a hesitant, almost careful manner, as if he was touching something precious and fragile; and then, more boldly, by mirroring Genesis' previous movement to eliminate the last bit of space left between them.
Some heartbeats long, all Genesis felt was that incredible flash of heat running through his whole body. In general, he didn't like others being that close to him, but with Angeal it had always been different, and it still was. In addition, there was this strange longing again, demanding more than that... And suddenly, it was as if Genesis knew exactly what he was doing, as if he had done it countless times before.
Defying the rather calm and almost hesitant side he had shown earlier that night, he moved his hands up until they rested against the nape of Angeal's neck, causing the other bend down slightly to compensate for the height difference between them, while leaning in closer at the same time. For a few very fast heartbeats, they were looking into each other's eyes, before Genesis closed his in a last concession to his more innocent side. And then their lips finally met.
At first, it was only a brushing of lips again, but already with more passion, more desire. Driven by that growing intensity, Genesis dared to go one step further. When their tongues first met, it was only lightly, a slow flickering. Still, this was definitely not the innocent version of kissing anymore. At first, Angeal was completely surprised by the fact that Genesis had taken the lead, for the second time tonight. He hardly ever lost his composure, but in this moment, it was impossible to stay calm and rational. The sensual impression was too strong for that. Seeing that cute innocent way that Genesis hid his eyes behind those incredibly long dark lashes when they had started kissing, hearing the soft sound of his breathing, feeling his body so close against his own, smelling that familiar scent he could never nail down exactly, though it definitely had a component that reminded of cinnamon, and for –the first time ever – some sort of taste that was sweet and intoxicating.
Their kiss got deeper, harder, showing an odd parallel to their usual training stances. Although Genesis knew very well when to give in, he usually stood his ground with both determination and fierceness. Fighting or kissing, he was not a person easy to dominate, and if you still chose to try, you were in for a struggle. Not that Angeal actually minded that… Well, I guess that method you suggested has one huge disadvantage, too. Like being completely unable to locate the exact source of that heat I'm feeling right now … But at the moment being, that problem did not matter. Not at all… Finally, Genesis broke the kiss and moved back slightly, as if to catch his breath. They looked at each other again, and although neither of them said a word, those looks alone spoke volumes. It felt as if the air around them was on fire.
Breaking the spell, Angeal firmly closed his hand around Genesis' right arm to pull him closer again. In that very second, he felt a shiver going through Genesis' body, a sensation that caused him to stop immediately. How could I forget about that? He knew that when someone happened to hurt him, Genesis never called out, never even flinched when he could avoid it. Normally, his displays of pain were so subtle that one could easily miss them: a sharp intake of breath, or a slight trembling, not more.
"Sorry," Angeal whispered. "I forgot. Your arm does still hurt, doesn't it?"
"Never mind," Genesis answered equally low. It's not like anyone ever did. He didn't say it, yet the sentence was somehow hanging in the air.
"But I do. I don't want to hurt you, if I can avoid it." I'm not like him. Likewise, Angeal knew better than to add those additional words.
With a grateful, yet suddenly very shy smile playing on his lips, Genesis took a step back until he was on the other side of the threshold again, and hurried to say: "Well, I guess, I see you tomorrow…" before turning around.
Caught in a strange state between fascination and confusion, Angeal followed him with his eyes. Was his mind playing tricks on him, or were Genesis' steps indeed a bit faster than necessary?
I just can't help but to wonder… Are you running away from me?
~°oOo°oOo°oOo°~
Back in his room, Genesis leaned against the closed door and took a deep breath. His heart was still beating at a very fast pace, but he paid no attention to it. The sensation of pain, however, originating from his right arm and slowly spreading up to his shoulder was too prominent to ignore.
Serves you right. Throwing yourself at him like that… What were you thinking? Have you not even a spark of decency?
Defying that cold and arrogant voice in his head, he reached for the switch next to the door. In the next second, the twilight around him was replaces by a soft glow, much more agreeable than the clinical radiance of those hallway neon tubes. His gaze briefly wandered over the familiar surroundings. Although strictly spoken his quarters consisted of a single room with two divisions to separate a small bedroom on the one side and an even smaller bathroom on the other, it was rather spacious and a definite improvement compared to former living conditions, which had included several room mates, bunk beds and –even more annoying - shared showers. Considering that, the current situation was more than satisfying. And even more, this actually was the first place ever that felt like home. Or at least what he guessed 'home' was supposed to feel like: safe, secure, comfortable.
Genesis lay down on his bed and closed his eyes for a few moments. Almost instantly, he realized how tired he actually was, yet there was this annoying dull pain, reminding him that he should better take a closer look at the source of it before going to sleep. Just to make sure.
The simple movement of sitting up again was enough to cause some sort of dizziness and a mild feeling of disorientation, thankfully lasting only for a few seconds. After he turned on the lamp on his bedside table, he sighed and rolled up his sleeve. Mako injections were usually done with a rather large needle, and for some reason the puncture wounds caused in the process where highly likely to bleed worse than ordinary ones. Therefore, one usually ended up with a bandage that seemed to imply an injury rather than a simple injection.
Carefully and slowly, he removed that bandage. Contrary to the still present pain, the wound didn't look too bad. Just a red circular mark, but the strong contrast to the whiteness of the skin around still gave it a slightly disturbing appearance.
Right in that moment, the sheer force of a sudden emotion hit him again. Thankfully, it wasn't another panic attack, more like an odd kind of déjà-vu. For a second, it felt as if that sight of red on white was supposed to remind him of something, something important maybe, but right in the next moment, the connection got lost, like a fish that happens to jump off the hook before you have a chance to get hold of it.
Admitting after a few moments of intense concentration that retracing that thought was futile, Genesis took another deep breath, before he carefully touched the skin right below the wound. It hurt less than he had expected, and felt surprisingly warm, though this was nothing extraordinary. 'Whenever the body deals with an injury, even a minor one, the process of blood clotting alone requires an increased blood flow, which consequently leads to a sensation of heat around.' That was basic medical knowledge, acquired and repeated in several compulsory courses. Too much heat, however, could also indicate an inflammation, or in the case of Mako involvement, an adverse reaction.
Looks like Angeal's concern is contagious, Genesis thought bitterly. I still think it's unjustified, but... there's a remaining shadow of doubt.
Anyway, what he needed now was a clean bandage, a smaller one preferably, to replace the one he had just removed. Searching his mind for the place where he had stored his extended first aid kit, a standard part of every soldier's equipment, yet not something to carry around on an ordinary training day, he realized that his thoughts were terribly slow, as if he was suffering from severe sleep deprivation.
Come on, that's ridiculous. You can't possibly be that tired, and as a SOLDIER, you should still be able to think straight, even if you haven't slept properly for a whole week.
With another sigh, Genesis forced himself to get back on his feet and towards the huge wooden cupboard that covered almost an entire wall in the small rectangular bed room. When it came to furniture, everybody promoted to Second Class was given the choice to accept the standard pieces issued for all members of the Military Department, or to get own ones. Faced with this decision and not very fond of the standard 'bare and practical' design anyway, Genesis had replaced most of the furniture, except said cupboard. One of his fellow comrades had once said jokingly: 'If you can't fit all your clothes into that, it's a sign that you own too many.' Obviously, and despite all those rumours arguing differently because some people just liked to describe him as extremely vain, Genesis did not own too many clothes, for there was still enough space in that huge thing to put in other odds and ends, including parts of his equipment he rarely needed. So whenever he was looking for something, it was usually the right place to start.
Truth be told, Genesis wasn't a messy or disorganized person at all. Occasionally, he just had difficulties to remember where he had put certain things. Back in the time when they had still shared a room together, Angeal had tried to explain that fact rationally in a single sentence: 'Either you simply own too much stuff, or your poetic mind is refusing to pay attention to such mundane tasks.'
Still rummaging through the cupboard, Genesis could clearly recall the way Angeal had used to look at him, with a smile that was partly affectionate, partly dispraising, before he finally shook his head and stated: 'Must be your poetic mind again…'
Isn't that strange? We are together almost every single day; and it's not even half an hour ago that I last saw you face to face, but still… I have always missed you when you were away, but have I always missed you like this? Without you, I feel so incomplete. Is it supposed to be like that? Is this… love?
And if that's what it was, why was he so feeling incredibly blessed and still terribly guilty at the same time?
~°oOo°oOo°oOo°~
Although it had been a long day filled with extremely tiring tasks, Angeal still found himself wide awake. His thoughts kept circling around Genesis again, more precisely around a well-known facet of his childhood friend's character that had gained a strange additional dimension by now.
Genesis had always been a mystery, the human equivalent of a puzzle that was hard, if not impossible to solve. Maybe this was the very source of the constant fascination tying Angeal to his side, the knowledge that he would never be able to know or understand the other completely, but keep trying his best to do so. Another aspect of said mystery was the fact that Genesis' behaviour could be rather contradictory, sometimes literally from one second to the next, as if he had the ability to change into another person in the blink of an eye. Claiming that he suffered from a split personality would have been too much, yet he seemed to posses two completely different sides, ever since his childhood. Back than, Angeal had soon realized that other children saw Genesis as prone to tears, temperamental and over-emotional, while adults usually described him as very well behaved, rather quiet and far too grown up for his age.
After they had left their home town together, those contradicting sides had gradually changed, but still existed. On the one hand, the side Genesis usually showed to the outside world: strong, determined, sometimes even haughty and arrogant, occasionally very short-tempered and difficult to handle, a mesmerizing person and a talented SOLDIER. On the other hand, there was something like softness, almost vulnerability, combined with a deep appreciation for the small beauties of life, an amazing talent for any form of art and an almost childish innocence; pretty much still the little boy Angeal had first met over ten years ago. However, the confusing thing was not the existence of those two sides. It was that even after more than a decade of friendship, Angeal had still no idea which one of those two, if any, was the 'real' Genesis.
It doesn't help that others usually have an impression of you that is very different from mine. You have been labelled 'weak' for various reasons before, and even if there was no offence intended, you used to hate it. I always wondered how people came to that conclusion. Were they blind? Didn't they bother to look closer?
When I left Banora, I basically just dragged you along. I wasn't too sure about doing the right thing in the beginning, but the first weeks of basic training showed me that it was the best decision I could have made. Nobody might have realized it, maybe not even you, but I was so happy to have you around. These first weeks were actually harder than I imagined, and you were giving me so much strength. Notice the choice of words: 'you were giving me', not vice versa.
I will never forget the night after the first time we took part in a real battle. Facing the experience of having killed someone turned out worse than I expected. You never saw me crying before, not even once in all those years of our friendship, but that very night, I couldn't help it. Most of our comrades were confused. They had expected you to show tears, not me. I had always been the strong one. So now, they backed off, as if I had caught a contagious decease.
You didn't. You spend the whole night at my side, talking gently to me, holding me in your arms, trying to calm me down. I remember how strange that felt. You had seen the same horrible images, and you were the sensitive one after all, yet your eyes were dry and your face was unmoved, only turning softer when you caught me looking up at you.
At one point, I asked if you did not feel like crying. When you shook your head, I added: "Sorry for being such a nuisance."
You just shook your head again, more decidedly this time, and returned: "Don't be stupid. You have been strong for the both of us for so long. Now finally, it's my turn."
Angeal knew very well that these thoughts stood in complete opposition to the typical role he played, to the very behaviour he had shown tonight. If he saw Genesis as a strong person, why had he always felt the need to stand up for him? And why did he react almost overprotective when he thought Genesis could be in some sort of danger or trouble? After all, Angeal hardly ever did anything irrational. Most of his actions could be traced back to a solid reason, and that included his protectiveness, too. The reason was just different from what others would have assumed.
They say actions speak louder than words. Well, when I act like this, it is not supposed to say: "Let me handle that, because you are weak and can't take care of yourself." The real message it carries is: "You don't have to deal with that on your own anymore. Now I'm here, and I'll do it for you. Because I care. Because you are that important to me."
He had never voiced such words before, always taking for granted that because they were so close, Genesis would know about his real motives anyway. But what if he didn't? Was that the reason why he reacted that fiercely, why he kept pushing Angeal away at certain occasions?
On the outside, you were always struggling harder than I was, but it was definitely worth it. Away from Banora, away from your parents more precisely, you seemed to flourish. I could basically watch you turning from a shy little boy into a determined young man. You appeared much more confident, more capable, your whole personality took a turn for the better; however, there was a price to it. You were so determined not to appear weak ever again that you sometimes struck others as arrogant and withdrawn. Strangely enough, you stuck to that image you created, even if it wasn't a positive one. I wonder why. You could have chosen another way so easily, as taking the centre stage is literally child's play for you. If you decide to really use your charm and your incredible talent with words, everyone around is under your spell immediately. Even your fiercest critics have to admit that…
Angeal knew that people usually considered him to be a good lecturer. True, he could put complicated things in very easy words and repeat them in variations until even the slowest person around had gotten the point. When it came to the more subtle, poetic level of speaking, however, it had always been clear that Genesis was endlessly more talented, especially when he was talking about a topic dear to him. Still, his best lectures were never given publicly, but to an audience that consisted of one sole person.
Once he had asked Genesis why he rarely talked to others the way he did when they were alone. Cryptic as usual, Genesis had replied: 'What is important to me is not talking, but being understood.' It took Angeal quite a while to understand what Genesis had wanted to point out. He was relating to the fact that there were often two dimensions in what he said. One was the surface message that everybody got easily, and the other was hidden and only accessible with deeper knowledge, a kind of knowledge hardly anybody possessed, except Angeal of course. Like that one day when they had been talking about colours…
"Take my favourite colour. Some people told me before that it is weird to like red, because it is the colour of blood and therefore of death. I always used to return that if you saw it that way, it had to be the colour of life at the same time, for what else is blood than the equivalent of the life stream that flows in our veins? Maybe that is the reason why the sight of blood rarely terrified me, especially not when it was my own. I always took it as a sign that I was alive. If it was about others, most of the time I could not care less… You know that, you have fought at my side during so many battles. In fact, there is only one situation were I despise seeing blood, and that is when the person bleeding is dear to my heart."
I knew that. And I also knew that 'person dear to my heart' meant 'you'. I have seen you more or less ignoring your own injuries, or treating those of others on the battlefield without a sign of hesitation or repulse, no matter how bad they were, but when I only cut my finger with a kitchen knife, you would throw a tantrum. Well, not that obviously most of the time, but I could always feel your deep concern, and at rare occasions even panic.
"But coming back to the notion of 'red', you might realize that according to general belief, it is the colour of roses as well as the colour of fire; and because this is all about symbolism, we can ignore the fact that neither is really true. Roses are an image of beauty, but also of pride; and their thorns can hurt as much as their fragility usually impresses. Fire on the other hand can give warmth and comfort, it saves, but it also destroys and devours. And finally, red represents both love and rage, the two most elaborated emotions the human mind is capable of. You see, red stands for extremes. It is one thing, and at the same time, it is also the other; so in the end, it is both. Red is death and life, love and hate; it is opposition and unity at the same time. The colour of contradiction in itself. Fits me somehow, don't you think?"
After a moment of silence, you continued: "Sometimes, you can have two things at once, and sometimes you can't. If you take a rational point of view, you often have to be satisfied with getting only half of what you want. That's what compromises are all about. But when it comes to emotions, there is no such thing as a 'path in the middle'. When you choose to feel, you have to give everything. You can't be half sad or slightly happy… that's just pretending. It's all or nothing."
Maybe you were right. Maybe that was the reason why I preferred not to show feelings too openly. It saved me from the 'all or nothing'-decision, at least for some time. You are different. No matter if you hate or love, you do so with all your heart, with every fibre of your very being. Maybe that's why I feel so drawn to you. You are so much more alive than everybody else, including me.
As if you had read my thoughts that day, you looked at me with a knowing smile. "Anyway, that does not mean you should wear your heart on your sleeve from now on. Showing your feelings too openly can be dangerous, just like playing with fire."
"Isn't that exactly what you always do?" I asked in return.
And you simply answered: "I'm used to it. 'The one advantage of playing with fire is that one never gets even singed. It's the people who don't know how to play with it who get burned up.' Not my words, just quoting."
Angeal knew that Genesis had always trusted his feelings, very often blindly, and usually, it had been the right decision. The situation they found themselves in now was all about emotions, so Genesis should have been in his element. Yet somehow…
He was still unsure what it was that bothered him. Maybe the fact that whenever they came close to the more physical dimension of their relationship, Genesis seemed to oscillate between two different sides again, only this time, these sides were mutually exclusive. On the one hand, he appeared so heavily insecure, as if he had never experienced anything close to romance before, not even the simple stuff like kissing and holding hands. Yet there were also times when he turned into the exact opposite, knowing only too well how to make the right move at the right moment. Genesis had always been a person to turn heads when he only walked by, so surely all those looks and barely veiled implications must have led to some sort of experience by now. Everything else would have been odd… Still, there was this other sort of behaviour implying exactly that.
It has to be one or the other. It can't possibly be both. That's as impossible as darkness and light at the same time…
As soon as he had finished that thought, he could almost hear Genesis' playfully teasing voice, "Well, you know, there's always twilight…", anddespite those rather serious questions on his mind, Angeal had to smile for a second.
Only in that case, there is no such thing as a path in the middle, precious. Your own words. Sometimes you act like you are entirely comfortable, and sometimes like you are scared to death, and I have no idea why. Maybe I should simply consider asking you openly. Can't be that bad, can it?
~°oOo°oOo°oOo°~
Laying on his bed and staring blankly into the semi-darkness of his room, Genesis had drifted into a strange state between being asleep and being awake. Despite the fact that he was incredibly tired, the thoughts in his head kept turning over and over. What is wrong with me? Isn't this all I ever wanted in the first place? For Gaia's sake, it's all about emotions, so why do I find it so difficult to deal with? And finally, the essential question formed on his mind: Could it be that in the end, for the first time ever, I'm afraid of my own feelings?
