Hi everyone! I'm so sorry for not uploading for a while, but I've been focussing on some health issues recently and haven't had the time or motivation to write lately. But here's another chapter! A reviewer said I should slow things down, so we can enjoy the Jily and not rush through. And i agree! So here's a bit more of a serious chapter and a better step towards the Jily blossoming relationship.
The next couple of months went by at a snail pace for Lily. She wrote James almost every day, and when he could reply, his responses were always short, not ever saying too much. She had talked to the rest of his mates to see if they knew any more than she did, but his responses were even less frequent to them. The two times she had visited, James didn't even seem like himself. His eyes were sunken in, no life left to them. He had promised her he was eating, but every time she hugged him, he felt smaller. It was understandable to Lily, though. His mom was barely responsive, hardly holding on. When she was awake, she could hardly talk. Lily watched one night as James read to her, he held her hand, watched as she fell asleep. James clutched his mother's hand, and cried into her sleeping body.
Lily felt bad about not visiting more often, but she had to do both Head Girl and Head Boy duties, set up all prefect meetings by herself, had to do double the patrols, and had to keep on top of her homework, as well as sending James as many assignments as she could so he wouldn't fall totally behind.
Christmas break was fast approaching and Lily was stretched to the max, and feeling more stressed than she ever had before. Tears were falling onto her charms essay as she watched the snow falling out her window. Her bed was a mess, her clothes strewn across the floor. The houselves cleaned up every two days, but Lily's room was just a reflection of the mess going on inside her head.
She had stopped sleeping in James's bed about two weeks after he left. The sheets no longer smelled like him, and seeing his clothes and his pictures up on the dresser just made her sad. When she relocated back to her own space, the only thing she brought from James's room was his black jumper and she wore it whenever the stress was too much and when all she wanted was for him to pull her close, tuck her hair behind her ear like he always did, and tell her everything was going to be okay. Lily pulled the sleeves down as she looked outside, tears and snot staining the cuffs. It had been an especially emotionally draining week, and all she really wanted was James. It had been almost three weeks since she had last seen him, and she honestly didn't know how much more she could take. She had fantasized about bringing him home for a day or two to meet her family over break, but now she didn't know. There was still no word on the condition of his mum, and Lily definitely didn't want to force him anywhere he didn't feel comfortable.
"Well, hey there Evans," Lily jumped at the voice. A thin, faded James Potter stood in her doorway. She didn't know how to react. His clothes hung loosely, and his eyes were bloodshot, as if he had been crying again- he almost seemed like a ghost of the boy she loved.
Quickly, Lily wiped her eyes, and ran to him, almost knocking him over with the force of her hug. He laughed and picked her up, her legs wrapping around his waist. Tucking her head into the crook of her shoulder, she whispered, "I missed you so much, James." He walked them over to her bed, collapsing on top of it. For a minute, they just laid there, staring at each other, as if not believing it was real life. Lily reached out her hand, touching his face, just to make sure he really was right in front of her. "Why are you here, James?"
He closed his eyes, a tear falling out. And then more until his body was shaking with his uncontrollable sobbing. "She's gone, Lily. She's really gone."
James had returned to Hogwarts after Holiday break, and he was all the school seemed to gossip about. He was late to every class, constantly short with everyone, especially with professors, and he hadn't even been to a single meal in the Great Hall so no one had seen the boy eat. Lily was always trying to keep the mood light, and stood by his side, clinging to his arm. The rumors around the school were mostly true- Dumbledore had taken away the quidditch team, the majority of his important Head Boy duties, and he had been to detention almost every weekend since being back.
James was living in his own personal Hell. With no mother, his father constantly working trying to not to dwell on the situation, his lack of extracurriculars, and getting so obliterated pretty much every night with Sirius at the Hog's Head, he could hardly function. Lily was always trying to make him feel better. She brought him his favourite soup, forced him to cuddle and drink hot chocolate by the fire on their favourite couch, and did her best to help him with the multiple essays stacking up from class to class with NEWTs around the corner. Even in his emotional wreckage, James could appreciate what she was doing. Lily was being a good girlfriend, sticking by his side even when he no longer had the energy to be the same charming James she had agreed to go out with. But some part of him didn't want all this attention, he just wanted to sulk alone.
February 20th, two months since she had passed away at St. Mungo's. James could no longer be sad. He was angry. Angry at himself, his father, Dumbledore for taking everything away, and even Lily, for just sitting there beside him on his bed humming as she read her Potions text and traced circles on his thigh.
"How do you do it?"
"Hm?" She turned to him, her slight smile turning to a look of confusion. "What do you mean, James?"
"How do you keep smiling? Why do you keep being nice to me?" He stood up, his books clattering to the floor. "I'm a fucking mess, Lily. Just fucking leave already."
Lily had noticed James' shift in attitude right away. She attended the funeral, sat beside James and clutched his hand even tho his fingers were just limp in her grasp. She sent him letters every day when at her parents even though she was lucky to get a response. She helped him stumble in when he had been out too long with Sirius and rubbed his back as he threw up in the toilet. She threw away his empty Firewhiskey bottles under the bed that he tried to hide from her. She helped him with every class, even the ones she wasn't in with him. She was being who thought James needed her to be.
And then he told her to leave. Just like that, Lily's eyes welled up, and it took everything within her not to slap him. All the stress of trying to take care of him for 3 months, doing double of everything, and keeping a damn smile on her face and kissing him goodnight.
"How fucking dare you, James Potter." She slammed her books shut, stood up, and clenched her fists so tight she thought she might draw blood. "After everything we've been through?"
"Oh!" James laughed crudely. "That we've been through? Did your mom die, Lily? Do you feel a black hole in your chest every second of every day? She was my life!"
They each stood on a side of the bed, the air between them thick with fury.
"So, what? All of this, all of us means nothing?" Gesturing between them, her hands wildly flailing. "This is your fault James. You kissed me, remember? You asked meout! I gave you everything!" Lily's throat began to close up, on the verge of screaming.
James scoffed. "Merlin, Lily. You were dying to shag me, you could hardly wait!"
Lily's blood boiled, rage coursing through her veins. "I thought us moving so quickly was a good sign! I thought I could trust you- trust you with me." The tears fell freely down her face now, her voice hoarse. As she looked across at James, he was nowhere close to the same boy she had kissed in the courtyard. His crooked glasses were no longer cute, they reminded her that he was probably too drunk to fix them. His messy hair made her mad, why could he never just brush it instead of running his hands through it every five seconds? There were stains all over shirt, probably days old. "I can't believe I stood by your side for so long. What happened, James? I'm someone you could count on, someone you could use for support."
"Just leave, Evans. You don't want to stick around me anymore anyway. I'll just hold you down. I'll turn my badge into Dumbledore tonight." James turned around and she could see him pinch the bridge his nose.
Lily gathered her books and the picture of the two of them on his nightstand, it was from the Halloween dance, Remus had captured James spinning her on the dancefloor with her head thrown back in laughter and a look in James's eyes that she couldn't even describe. The photo felt empty now, those could have been complete strangers, people from a different time. On her way out, she stopped and stood in front of his slumped shoulders. James raised his head slightly, somewhere in those sad hazel eyes she knew was someone she had at once thought she could've spent the rest of her life with. She used to imagine having dinner parties, buying furniture together, getting him into Muggle telly, and what their babies would look like. As she looked at the distant memory of the charming, loveable and mischievous James Potter, that all seemed so foolish. But even in her anger, sadness, and disbelief in what just happened, Lily knew he was in there somewhere. If they couldn't be together, she at least didn't want him to keep suffering.
"Don't you dare turn in your badge. This is the one thing I think that could get you back on track." Taking a risk, she gingerly raised her hand to his tear-stained, red cheeks. He flinched slightly at her touch. "I know you think getting drunk and acting out will make you forget, but I think it's only making it worse. Is this really what your mum would have wanted? Do what would make her proud, James."
She dropped her hand, clasped her books tighter to her chest, and walked away. As she turned around in the doorway, she witnessed James fall to his bed and hold his head in his hands. Realizing this was the end, every last string holding Lily's heart together, broke.
"I told you that it was moving too fast."
"You did not, Moony. You lot were so happy for me."
Remus shrugged. "Lily gave this back to me today after Potions. She once said this picture felt like sunshine when she looked at it. Now she says she doesn't recognize the people in it. What exactly kind of shit did you pull? It might've gone fast but, Merlin, James. You were fucking happy."
James laughed, Remus only swore when he felt necessary. He was glad his impending doom felt important enough for Remus to curse. "I knew she wasn't really happy. I took mum's death harder than I expected. I knew she was sick, Moony. We knew it was coming. But, somewhere deep down, I guess I still had hope that she would be there when I got home, cooking stew and challenging me to gobstones."
The two friends sat in the owlery. James wrote to his father, the first person he wanted to tell about Lily. Well, actually he had wanted to write his mum, but he couldn't exactly do that anymore. He had ran in to Remus as he sent a letter off to his own parents. It was freezing as they sat on the bench among the stench of owl feces, but it kept James's head clear.
"Look, mate. I really don't know what to tell you. I haven't been through this, and I know you thought Sirius could help, but at least when he gets drunk, he still goes to classes and talks to his friends."
That made James feel the most guilty. He really had neglected his friends the past months, hiding in his dorm. Merlin, if Lily wasn't living in the same dorm and didn't know his whole schedule, he would've completely blocked her out too.
"I'm really sorry, Moony."
"Don't worry about it, Prongs."
They sat in silence for a few minutes. For the first time since Euphmia Potter's death, James didn't feel totally out of control of his life. "Lily said something that kind of made me rethink everything."
"Oh?"
"Well, to start off, I think she thought that I needed a crutch. And maybe I did, but not the kind that babied me and fed me soup. I needed someone to just tell me the truth, not to feel pity or look at me with sad eyes, I do that to myself enough." James took off his glasses and pinched the bridge of his nose, trying to calculate his thoughts. "It's not her fault though, she wasn't sure what to do either, she really was doing her best. But even after I swore and yelled at her and said terrible things, she should have slapped me, stormed out and never said anything to me. Instead, she told me to get my act together and make my mum proud."
James saw Remus smile. "You never told her about getting the Head Boy badge did you?"
The two laughed. "Not exactly, kind of woke me up from whatever ignorant, selfish trance I was in. Of course she wouldn't want me ignoring my friends and girlfriend, or getting drunk every day, or failing my classes. I've really gotta get my shit together, mate."
Another break of silence. "So did you say all of this to Lily?" Remus asked. The two had silently agreed it was too cold in the owlery and headed back to the Great Hall.
"No, I don't think she would care now. She's still polite to me, but there's no more excitement in her voice and she won't even keep steady eye contact with me. I think we both know we have to be civil if we have to keep working on Head duties together, and it's not even awkward which is worse. Total indifference. Opposite of love."
Remus was ahead of James on the steps and stopped in his tracks. "Look, Prongs, I know you love Lily, or at least think you do, but maybe the best thing for your relationship is for you to get back on your feet. Get Head Boy duties and the quidditch team back. We really have been struggling without you as captain." Remus paused. "Then maybe Lily will start to see you again, not just how you behaved after your mother's death."
"Do you really think it will be that easy?"
"Not a chance, but it's at least where you should start."
A/U: I know some of you were waiting for a chapter so I hope this helped! Not my best or longest either, but just wanted to get something up to get my motivation back! Love all of you leave reviews, always is the best! Promise not to be gone for so long again, xx
