Chapter 7: The truth is
The next day seems to resume normally much to Sakuragi's pleasure. He entered the café, back slumped and distracted.
"Yo, Hanamichi," Makoto greeted him casually with Riku standing beside him.
"Hey, "He answered, putting on his uniform.
"So, are you going to tell us what the heck that was about the other day?"
Sakuragi sighs, looked at them and shrugged, "He's just some guy I used to…"
"Used to?" Riku perked up, his eyes eager.
Sakuragi stops and paused, "used to go to school with! What the heck are you guys thinking?"
With that, the co-workers face dropped with disappointment. "You're lying!"
"Why the heck would I lie!"
"Then why make such a big deal about it! You caused a drama here yesterday," Makoto said as a matter of factly. "That level of tension could only be explained by some sort of deep hatred or regret or something…"
Sakuragi swallows hard, sweating slightly from the absurd accusation. He didn't really want to tell anyone about his relationship with Rukawa, not like this.
"You know who he is do you?" Riku interjected.
"Of course I do! I told you we used to go to the same school together!"
"Yeah," Riku waved dismissively, "so then you know who HE really is?"
"What?"
"He's Rukawa Kaede!" Riku leaned in closer, his eyes beaming.
"He looked familiar before but I wasn't sure but now I am. He is THE Rukawa Kaede."
Sakuragi raised an eyebrow, confused.
"I've heard stories about him, never met him. But as far as I know, he's a basketball legend in Shohoku." Said Makoto, touching his chin thoughtfully.
Sakuragi let out a sarcastic smirk, "you guys must be big fans."
"YES!" both boys shouted at the same time with earnest expression in their eyes which immediately caught the red head off guard.
"For a guy, he's pretty handsome too,"
Sakuragi snapped his attention towards Makoto, trying his best to keep a straight face.
"Yeah, he's really popular with the ladies but I won't be surprised if he's popular with the men as well."
Sakuragi's heart freezes and he feels a hollow feeling in his gut, he feels slightly sick. The words are harmless but he feels like someone is squeezing his heart.
He keeps silent, unsure of how he should react anyway. Normally he would deny it all and begin to boast about how he is better but somehow, right now, he couldn't even shrug it off or laugh it off. He couldn't deny it because it's true. Rukawa is popular with the ladies and the men. Women find him beautiful while the men ogle his determination and skills. By all accounts, Rukawa is better than him.
Sakuragi's known this truth a long time and he's able to deny and bury that truth every time. But for some reason, today, he couldn't.
He looked down at his hands and remembers the first time he held hands with Rukawa. He noted how warm Rukawa feels despite his cold exterior. It was awkward at first, they were hesitant but after weeks and months of putting it off, they eventually melt together.
It was one of the most unexpected things he had experienced, he had always thought that Rukawa would be the cold one but as it turns out, it was the opposite. Rukawa provided that warmth he didn't know he needed. After all the things they went through, after all the self-loathing and the denials and realization, Rukawa had always been the more patient one.
He didn't know what changed or at what point that all change but re-living that moment breaks his heart all the time.
If he is honest with himself, he misses that sometimes. Sure, he's dated a few times after it ended but no one has ever come close….yet.
"Hey, are you listening?" Makoto snapped his fingers in front of the red head's face.
"Huh?" Sakuragi looked up, dazed.
"I asked, are you jelous?"
"of what?"
"of Rukawa, of course!" Riku folded his arms against his chest, a smirk already on his face.
"Why would I be jelous of that kitsune!" Sakuragi frowned and glared at them.
"Because he's popular with the ladies, isn't that why you had that reaction that night?"
Sakuragi looked away, his eyes still sharp and his brows still wrinkled together.
'No, not even close.' Sakuragi thought to himself, finally coming in to terms with the reasons why it had hurt him so deeply.
Standing in front of the brown door, he raises his hands and knock on it gently.
"Hanamichi?"
"Hi, I know it's late, but can I come in?"
"Of course!"
"Thanks," he took off his shoes and walked in.
"Whats up? You okay?"
"I don't know who else to turn to, I just want to talk," Sakuragi said quickly, his expression still troubled. "About anything, I don't care."
Youhei looked at him, surprised then smiles at his best friend, "I'll go get the alcohol."
Laying down on the pillows in the living room, Sakuragi and Youhei cheered, talked and drank casually about everything they could think of.
"Yeah, Haruko said that Gori used to be so awkward with girls it's actually kind of cute!" Sakuragi laughed.
"Look at him now," Youhei chuckled, "University can sure change you."
"Nah, I sometimes still confuse him with an actual Gorilla." Sakuragi giggled, sipping his drink.
"That's too mean, don't you think?"
"He knows it," Sakuragi sips his drink again, taking in more gulps this time.
"Yeah, definitely too mean."
"Only because you like Haruko, right?" Sakuragi's words came out slightly slurred.
"When are you going to tell her?" The red head continued.
Youhei stopped and moved his gaze to the glass in his hand, "it's not the right time."
What? Of course it's the right time! You have more of a chance with her than anyone in this entire universe. Don't blow it like I did."
Youhei looks at his friend; Sakuragi is showing early signs of drunkenness. At this state he is more honest and transparent about his thoughts and his feelings.
"I'll tell her if you tell Rukawa you still care about him."
Sakuragi slammed his fist on the table, "I do not care about him!"
"Then why did you come here?"
"To talk! I wanted to talk to you! You're my best friend!" Sakuragi shouted, his expression twisted in a confused expression.
"That's right Hanamichi, I know you," Youhei smiles at him, "You wanted to talk…and you wanted to distract yourself.
"You want to talk about Rukawa, don't you?"
Sakuragi sips at his drink more, a sign of nervousness.
"I can't help you if you don't tell me the truth, Hanamichi."
Sakuragi's face flush red from the alcohol and he shakes his head lightly trying to shake off the drunkenness.
"I just…I just want to know why I wasn't good enough." His voice cracked and his tears build up at the corner of his eyes. At the moment, with that confession, Youhei's face fell as he immediately reach over to hug his friend.
Staring at the wall in front of him, Rukawa stared at the calendar hung neatly just above his desk. This is it, just 3 days then he has to fly back to America.
To be honest, he couldn't tell how he feels about it. A week before he would no doubt have said that he is happy to leave. He knew coming back would bring back some sense of nostalgia in him that he rather not brings up. As much as he hates being distracted from his goal since he knows he could be practicing more in America with his team.
But at the same time, he misses Kanagawa. He misses the simplicity, the culture and the way everything is and always be part of him. Always. The places he grew up seem so small now. As time went by, he matured and his ambitions too became too big for it to just stay here. He wanted, more than anything to challenge himself, to live that dream he always wanted.
Still, he wishes there was something that he could bring with him, everywhere. A memory, a feeling, something constant.
"Kaede! Phone for you!"
'who would be calling me at this hour?' Rukawa thought as he walked out the door.
"Who is it?"
"I don't know but he sounds drunk."
Picking up the receiver, Rukawa hesitantly answers, "hello?"
No answer but he could hear the breathing from the other line. Confused, he attempted to end the call before he hears shouting in the background.
"Oi, Hanamichi, stop! Give me the phone!"
Hanamichi? That name shocks the brunette; his heart nearly fell in his chest.
"Rukawa you bastard! How dare you show your face here again! Why can't you stay gone!"
"Hey, you're drunk Hanamichi, no don't go to the—"
There was a loud thud and a click.
"Did you lock yourself in a room, you idiot?" Rukawa chuckles.
"Don't change the subject!"
"I just came back to visit my parents," Rukawa answered simply, "I didn't know I was lock out of my own place."
"Well, you shouldn't have shown your face! Why did you come to the café?"
"I didn't know you work there, I can't eat either?"
Sakuragi stays silent, suddenly unsure of what to say.
"Are you okay?" Rukawa's voice came out soft, like a whisper.
"I don't want to admit it, but this is the only time I will…" Sakuragi's voice equally soft, sounding more vulnerable this time. Rukawa's heart beat in anticipation
"After you left, I was a mess. I know we've only been together for a few months but I….I never felt that much hurt." A light sniffle can be heard from the other line and Rukawa feels the guilt weighs in on him. He felt as if someone punched him in the gut.
"It wasn't love, I know, "Sakuragi lets out a heartbreaking sigh, "No matter how much I try to keep it behind me, to move on like you did, I guess I wanted it to be real. I hoped it would.
At those words, Rukawa feels his heart break. He doesn't cry but this is the closest he's been.
"Even if it's you, I can't keep on denying how I feel. Maybe that's why I can't move on; I've just been keeping this inside,"
"I wanted to tell you, I wanted to tell you how I really feel…" Sakuragi's soft voice tremble and all Rukawa want to do now is run to him and comfort him.
"How do you feel?" Rukawa prompts him.
The space between them is deafening he could hear Sakuragi swallow nervously.
"I…"
Before the red head could answer, he hears a muffled puking sound followed by the sound of door opening before the line goes dead.
