VII
Fergus' visit is a ray of light in the grey of everyday duties and, surprisingly, instead of making the memories clearer he makes it easier to forget everything else for a moment. So she does, and other Wardens who know her already just smile at her out of friendship or just kindness. But every time Rainier looks at her, there is amazement in his eyes, as if he was puzzled she knows how to laugh, and then there is a smile, so soft it is barely there on his lips, but she can glimpse it in his eyes, a deeper contentment, as if he saw something truly bright and good. For some reason, it makes her chest tighten, this quiet gladness of his at seeing her happy.
She tells Fergus nothing, because it is enough that she is reliving all the memories and he does not have to. And also because whoever Thom Rainier was he is a Warden now, and thus deserves the same courtesy every other Warden gets: of having no past. Fergus, as most people, knows nothing of the other Wardens' pasts. But he is his brother and he knows of hers, so he can guess why they are called Grey Wardens, not White.
She sees him talking with Rainier a few times, just as he talks to every other Warden, simple, polite conversations, which later may or may not turn into a grudging friendship, like with Nathaniel, or into just the drinking-and-sharing-stories kind of acquaintance, like with Sigrun and Oghren.
"Where did you find him?" Fergus asks one evening, briefly glancing over to the table where Thom Rainier is drinking with Nathaniel and Oghren, trying not to spit when he suddenly laughs at some development in Sigrun's tale. There is nothing grudging in his voice, just a plain indication of a possible future friendship, but still she cannot tell him.
"Orlais." She can tell that much. "He was a soldier."
"Ah." Fergus inquiries no further; he has been to war, he knows about soldiering. He knows different things happen on the battlefield and beyond it. Better to leave him with his guesses.
"He wanted to join." That is true; the Inquisitor had decided that, but when she spoke with Rainier, he said he wanted to join, and gave her his reasons for it.
"He's a good man," Fergus notes, looking at her, and the words 'he would be good for you' hover in the air, even though they remain unsaid.
"He is," she says, in the same calm and soft voice she so often uses when speaking Thom Rainier's name. Utterly calm and a little too soft because she has to concentrate with all her might not to make an accusation out of it, for she has no right to do so.
. . .
She let Nathaniel persuade her to join them, because how could she not if even Velanna agreed, but she regrets it now. Nathaniel had his own issues with Rainier, but he got over them. Maybe because, like Fergus, he has not seen it all. She has, from the bitter beginning to the very end.
"You look almost like a dwarf, with that beard," Sigrun says, winking at Rainier, her cheeks red from the ale and the warmth of the room.
"Thank you, my lady," he responds, and flourishes her as much of a courtly bow as he can while sitting.
Sigrun is ecstatic. "Ahh, I could get used to that."
Rainier smiles a little; Sigrun has that effect on most people, when she is not being sarcastic, and now she is not.
"If you find my beard so appealing, my lady, should you not rather..." Apparently, he is a tad deeper in his cups than usually. Or perhaps he has just got used to the life in Vigil's Keep and the company of other Wardens.
"What, go pester Oghren?" Sigrun laughs. "Not if he was the last dwarf in Thedas!"
Even she cannot help but smile a little; Oghren has grown an impressive beard over the years, and that would be considered a very attractive trait by most dwarven women, but he is still... well, Oghren. But her smile is fleeting.
Sigrun notices that, then nudges Rainier's elbow. "You should perhaps go flirt with our Commander instead. Maybe she would smile at all the 'my ladies', too," Sigrun whispers in what she no doubt thinks in a very discreet voice.
Rainier looks uncomfortable, and keeps his eyes low, not looking at her, not to let her know what Sigrun has just said. Hoping she has not heard.
Nathaniel speaks before she can. "Sigrun," he mouths, a note of warning in his voice.
Sigrun shakes her head. "Well, ser Grump, some people actually like to enjoy life while they have one. And between you and him and our Commander, we're soon going to turn from Grey Wardens into Grim Wardens."
Reuel laughs out at that, a merry, contagious laughter, and Sigrun and Oghren follow, and soon Nathaniel joins them, and even Velanna's lips crook up in a brief smile. His laughter is sincere, but she knows the elderly mage well by now, and knows his laughter is a curtain for her and Thom Rainier to hide behind, because Reuel knows their past, too, and understands that Sigrun's attempt at joking was far from amusing for them both.
When Rainier glances up at her, just then, she is looking at him. There is something in his eyes, wistfulness, perhaps, or maybe it is just the play of light, a flash from the fireplace. She holds his gaze, forcing herself to look at him calmly and perhaps even a little friendly, and nothing more. He has been an exemplary Warden so far, and does not deserve to be led on and given false hope. He nods to her, a brief bow of his head, letting her know he understands.
But she has been lonely for very long and she can tell that he has been, too, and deep down some part of her wishes she did not know of his past. Because Fergus was right, and the man Thom Rainier is now would be good for her.
But she knows, and it changes everything, and they can only fit together like a knife and a wound stabbed with it, like memories and guilt. Except that, seeing his need to atone and her own morbid curiosity, she does no longer know who is what.
