Flicker of Life - Chapter 7
Summary:
Alise and Owen get into an argument after her mom drops the ball and Owen finds out Alise lied to him. This only causes Alise to bring up the fact that Owen lied to her too. It only makes them wonder what else the other could be hiding and they begin to wonder if they can truly trust each other.
Authors note: This is very angsty and mentions of an abortion, you have been warned. Also, I have a lot of information about PTSD in here that I've googled after researching, so I don't know if this is 100% accurate, so if I get some facts wrong, please don't hold it against me! Anyway, enjoy!
I didn't hear footsteps going up the stairs and I saw the light on in the den, so I went to see if Owen was in there first. He was sitting on the couch with his head in his hands. I was worried he'd been crying or upset, I mean, who wouldn't be?
I let out a deep breath and closed the door behind me. "Owen…"
"What?" he asked, or more like snapped.
I let out a sigh. "I can see you're upset and I don't blame you, but I think we should talk about what just happened…" I said, sitting next to him on the couch. "I'm so sorry you found out this way." I was nervous and my hands were shaking, but I still put my hand on his shoulder.
"Yeah, well, were you ever going to tell me?" he asked, shaking my hand away. "Because being engaged is a pretty big deal. Especially when your mom keeps talking about how amazing this Jace guy is and implying that you should have married him over me."
"Owen… I would never want to marry him over you. My mom is oblivious. I didn't tell you because I was ashamed…" I felt my eyes starting to burn with tears already. I looked up at the ceiling, trying to get them to stop watering. "I was ashamed because I found out he cheated on me with my bridesmaid 2 weeks before the wedding. I was beating myself up over it, wondering if I did something wrong for him to cheat."
"When did it happen?" he asked hastily.
"2 months before I came to the island…"
"Do you still love him?"
I was baffled he'd ask that question. "What? No. Of course not. He broke my heart, I could never love someone like that."
Owen nodded, leaning his elbows on his knees and his hands covering his mouth like he was taking it all in. "You lied to me…"
"I didn't lie to you, I just withheld the truth. I didn't think it was such a big deal." I said, immediately regretting the words that just came out of my mouth. I didn't believe any word that I just spoke and I wish I could have taken it back.
Owen stood up. "Yeah, well it is." he said, walking towards the door.
I didn't want him to walk away from this, I wanted to finish this conversation. My mind flashed to what happened with his dad and I felt my stomach drop as I came to the realization that he lied to me too. I stood up and I felt like I snapped like I couldn't control what I was about to say.
"You wanna sit here and talk about lying, Owen? You're the one that lied to me about your entire childhood. I tried to understand because when we talked about it we hadn't been seeing each other for that long, but that's a huge part of your life that I think I should have known, especially going into meeting your family. Now I know why you were so hesitant about me meeting them. Were you ever gonna tell me?"
"Were you ever going to tell me about Jace?" he asked, avoiding my question completely.
"Just answer the question Owen."
He sighed. "Probably not."
"Right. So you're the last person that should be lecturing me about hiding things and lying."
"That is so much different and you know it." he said.
"No, Owen. It's really not. We both lied about something big that happened in our lives that shaped who we are today. I'm ashamed of it. I feel terrible. You seem like you don't give a shit that you lied to me. These are things we should have told each other before we got married. If we've hidden something like this from each other, how do I know there's nothing else you're hiding from me?"
"I'd like to ask you the same exact thing!" he said, throwing his hand in the air. It was evident that he was even angrier, especially because he was now yelling at me.
"Fine," I said, letting out a shaky breath as a few stray tears rolled down my cheeks. "Well, I found out I was pregnant with a week after I left him. I didn't know what to do and I panicked. I got an abortion a week later. I couldn't imagine bringing his child into this world, knowing how much of a terrible father he'd be. I couldn't do that to my baby."
"Well, that's a huge fucking deal. I can't believe you hid something like that from me, Alise!" I could tell he was pissed.
I couldn't help the tears that flooded my eyes. "The least you could do is understand why I did it instead of patronizing me for it. I did enough of that to myself and I still think about it all the time and how terrible I was to take away a life. I hate myself for it." I admitted. It was something I've been struggling with this whole time. I just tried to avoid thinking about it as much as possible.
"Well, you're not alone in that." he spat.
I raised my brows, completely shocked at what just came out of his mouth. "I can't believe you just said that. You're such an asshole." I said, walking out of the room and slamming the door. I headed straight for my room, packed some clothes and essentials in a bag and left to go to Aspen's house. I didn't care that it was nearing 10pm. I couldn't look at him after what he just said to me, let alone stay in the same house as him.
x x x
I had a panic attack the second I got to Aspen's and she and Lance both helped calm me down. They made some tea and Lance left us alone so I could tell Aspen what happened with Owen. She's the only person I trusted with any of the information that Owen found out tonight and she totally understood where I was coming from. She wasn't as brash as she normally was and didn't threaten to cut off his balls, as she normally would. When I needed her to be there for me and just listen, she knew how to shut that part off and that's what I needed. Just someone to listen to what I had to say and be my shoulder to cry on.
I didn't end up getting to bed until 1am. Lance decided to sleep on the couch since they converted the guest room into a nursery and the last thing he was going to do was make a pregnant woman sleep on the couch because he's a "gentleman" (his word, not mine - although I'd completely agree with him).
Anyway, I had my phone off most of the night because I thought Owen might call and that's the last thing I wanted to deal with. I couldn't talk to him. Not yet. Not after all the hurtful things he said to me. I slept pretty well, for the most part, tossed and turned, as usual, got smacked in the face a couple of times because Aspen loses control of her limbs when she sleeps. I can't tell you how many times Lance has complained about being kneed or punched in the balls in the middle of the night.
Aspen had to be up at 7:30am to do a house showing at 9am and when I woke up, I turned my phone on and saw 10 missed calls from Owen and a few texts I didn't dare to open. Lance was already out of the house by the time I woke up, so I took a shower, changed and went straight home after that and I made it home by 8:30am.
I was expecting to come home to an empty house. Mom would have left for the shop at 8, Lowery would have left for his job at 8 too, and Carl and Owen would have left anywhere between 6 and 7. So I was really surprised to see Owen sitting in the living room when I walked into the house.
He stood up when he saw me. "Where the hell were you?" he asked, obviously fuming.
"I went to Aspen's. I needed to get away." I answered calmly, the last thing I wanted right now was a fight. I did enough crying last night.
"You can't just leave like that without telling me." he scolded.
"After the way last night panned out, I think you should understand why I didn't exactly want to share a bed with you."
"Yeah, well, that still doesn't mean you can just leave like that." he said simply, but his voice still stiff.
"I'm sorry. I mean, the last thing you could do is sympathize with me just a little bit." I said, walking into the kitchen. I was starving right now and all I wanted was hot chocolate and eggs and not to be having this conversation anymore.
Owen followed me. "You're sorry? You're always sorry, but you keep doing the same shit again anyway." he said.
I stopped what I was doing and looked at him, my brows furrowed. "What?" I asked. Did he really just say that?
"Nothing, just forget it." he shook his head.
"No. Did you really just say that? Are you kidding me, Owen?!" I exclaimed, dropping the metal kettle on the stove in frustration, scaring myself at the loud noise it made.
"I said forget it," he said through gritted teeth.
"Well, I'm not going to. You can't just shush me like one of your damn raptors. You're not in control of me." I said, immediately regretting every single word that just came out of my mouth. I couldn't control it, when I got angry, words spewed out of my mouth before I could stop myself.
Owen sighed, shaking his head. "It's not about control…" he said, then his facial expression changed completely. He looked enraged. "IT WAS NEVER ABOUT CONTROL, WHY THE HELL CAN'T YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?" He yelled, no he screamed at me. I flinched, taking a step back until my back hit the counter. He's never screamed at me like that before and it was terrifying. I was tearing up again, trying to hold back tears. His face fell immediately after seeing my reaction. "It was never about control…" he said, sounding helpless. "If I just said 'no'... if I didn't go into that paddock… if I fought harder for the girls…" his voice cracked as he shook his head. I realized this was about something completely different. This wasn't about our fight from last night, it was about the incident. It's always been about the incident. His eyes started to tear up and he sniffled in.
"Honey…" I said, walking over to him and embracing him in a hug. He held onto me tight and just let it go. "It's okay baby…" I whispered as he cried against my shoulder. This was a long time coming. I never saw him like this, but I'm finally glad that he's letting it out someway. I just wish I knew what to say. We just stood there for 10 minutes with me holding him as he cried until he pulled away and apologized for it all. Everything that he said and did and even crying. I told him to never apologize for having his feelings and that if he wants to cry, to cry. I'm glad we were getting somewhere.
x x x
After what happened with Owen, we spent the rest of the day talking about a lot of things, everything but what happened in the kitchen earlier and the incident itself. I was trying to distract him, knowing that's what he'd want the most. He wouldn't want me to draw attention to it. He was so vulnerable at that moment and I want him to feel safe with me so he can do that more often.
We watched Game of Thrones for a few hours. We were in the middle of season 3 episode 2, sitting on the couch and my mind was anywhere but the show. I was thinking about the fight we had last night and I wanted to say something about it, so I just went for it.
"Owen…" I said. He hummed, still looking at the TV. "I love you, more than anything. You know that right?" I said.
He broke his attention from the TV and looked at me, a smile crossed his face. "Yeah. I know," he said, kissing my hand. "I love you too. No matter how much of a dick I can be."
I laughed, "At least you know," I said. He chuckled and looked back at the TV, still holding my hand. I looked at him for a minute, just admiring his face as I thought how in love with this man I was, even after everything we've been through. It's only made me love him more. I think he could feel me staring because he looked at me with his brows raised.
"Something on your mind?" he asked, looking concerned. I sighed, which said it all. "You know you can tell me anything." his grip on my hand tightened and I nodded.
"I know… I just can't stop thinking about our fight last night and how I lied to you and how big of a deal that is…"
"Hey, hey… no more talking about that. It's done now, alright?" he said.
I sighed again. "I know but, I just feel so bad. You probably hate me because of it."
"Hey, I would never hate you, do you hear me?" he said, his voice soft. "Listen, I lied to you about my childhood too and that's a pretty big deal. We both made mistakes. I understand why you didn't want to tell me now. It's something you'd rather forget. I wanna forget too, which is why I didn't tell you about it either." he said honestly. I nodded, understanding everything he just said.
"That wasn't the only reason I left him…" I said. I wanted to clear the air about that too. "There were always little things that bothered me. He's cheated on me in the past, too…"
"You don't have to justify yourself to me, baby. It's in the past," he assured me, kissing my temple. I smiled.
"Plus, my last name would have been 'Hiscock' and that's just terrible." I blurted out.
Owen chuckled loudly. "Hiscock is terrible," he said. I nodded. "How was 'Hiscock'?" he couldn't help but ask.
I couldn't help but smile. "I walked right into that one, didn't I?" he chuckled and nodded, looking back at the TV. "It was actually the best thing that's ever happened to me," I said, catching his attention again. He didn't seem annoyed that I was pulling him away from the show, even though it was an intense part of the episode. "I never would have gone to Isla Nublar if I got married and never would have met you. Everything happens for a reason. I'm just glad it led me to you." I said, grabbing his hand again.
A smile crossed his lips. "Me too," he said, thinking. "You know, I actually almost turned down the offer to work for InGen. I thought it was too good to be true. But I had this feeling in my gut that it was where I was meant to go and I'm really happy that I did."
"See, it was meant to be." I smiled, kissing his lips.
"It sure was." he smiled, grabbing the back of my neck and pulling me in for another soft kiss.
x x x
The next day, Owen went to work with Carl around 7am and I worked at the shop from 9 until 3, when my mom came in and I left right away. I was still mad at her for everything that happened and everything she said. She tried to talk to me, but I kind of just shut her down. I wasn't ready to talk just yet.
I wasn't just mad at the fact that she said what she said and Owen found out, I was more annoyed with the fact that she was drunk when she said it and has been totally insensitive about everything. She's been making it seem like she doesn't like that I married Owen over Jace, even though she seems to accept Owen as her son now basically. It was all confusing and I didn't understand. I know we'll have to talk eventually, but I couldn't do it today. It was still too fresh.
After work, I went straight to Aspen's house. She and Lance invited Owen and me for dinner tonight and Aspen finished her showings for the day, so we decided to do some retail therapy. I needed more clothes, seeing as my little girl was growing more and more every day.
We got back to her house around 5, right when Lance got home from work. I talked to Owen and he said he'd be able to make it here by 7. He and Carl were finishing up some stuff, then he wanted to go home and shower before coming over. That gave me time to sit and talk with Lance about everything. I still haven't gone to a therapist because everything's been so hectic and I needed an experts advice on, well, everything.
"I just wish I could get him to talk to me more about it. After our blow out a couple of nights ago and his outburst yesterday morning, it really has me worrying." I said. We were sitting at the dining room table and he was having a glass of wine and Aspen and I were drinking tea. Owen wasn't going to be here for another half an hour.
"You could try sympathizing with him. Tell him how you're feeling and see if he opens up from there?" Aspen offered.
"I've tried that, no luck. You should have seen him… he totally broke down. I felt so bad. I didn't say anything, I just let him cry it out. I didn't know what to even say. Every time I say something, he shuts me down or changes the subject…"
"Victims of PTSD need to be provided with social support rather than emotional," Lance said, this is exactly why I came to him. He knows so much about this. He actually specifically works with people who had PTSD. "Don't pressure him into talking and let him take the lead. His emotions are at their height right now and he's having trouble expressing them and is misplacing the loss and depression with anger. The first thing you have to do is know it's not your fault and think about what he's going through. Put yourself in his shoes."
"I know, whenever he gets snippy, I try not to take it to heart, even though it's hard. I'm getting the same way with him and even my family." I said.
"I know you've been through the same experience as him and it's hard for you to cope with your feelings enough as it is, yeah?" he asked.
"Totally. I feel like I can't talk to him about it and it's getting to be out of control. I overheard Carl talking to Lowery about how Owen's been acting recently. He's snapped at him and seems out of it, he spaces out a lot, too. All of which I've noticed. It's so unlike him. He's been this way with everyone and then after the other night…" I trailed off.
"What happened the other night is good. You're chipping away at this massive wall he's built around himself. In order to help him, you need to keep your own stress levels at a minimum," he said. Aspen shot him a look, probably thinking exactly what I was thinking: I'm freaking pregnant and my hormones are already out of whack enough as it is. How the hell am I supposed to be stress-free at this point? He looked at Aspen, understanding what the look said. "Which is hard, considering you're pregnant." he added.
"Yeah," I scoffed. "That's for sure."
"That aside, you're doing a good job at coping with your PTSD by being open and honest with those you trust. I hope you're coming to me when you need advice like this and not this one, over here," Lance chuckled, pointing his thumb at Aspen, who was sitting next to him.
"Hey, I provide emotional support!" she defended. I laughed.
"Plotting to cut off his balls isn't the emotional support she needs, love, and you know that." he explained softly, I chuckled again.
Aspen groaned. "Fine. Whatever. I'm gonna go make a pickle and jam sandwich. You want any?" she asked, looking at me.
I raised my brows, pulling a face. That sounded horrible. "No thanks, I'm good."
"Hey, don't knock it 'til you try it." Aspen shrugged, walking out of the room. I shook my head and laughed, looking back at Lance.
"As I was saying, when he does eventually open up to you, which will happen soon, the best thing you can do is just listen to him. Make sure you don't give him the easy answers like "everything's going to be alright", if he's talking about his fears, let him. Don't tell him what he should and shouldn't do. And do not minimize his feelings. He's big on pride, which is why he hasn't talked about it much, he doesn't want to be looked at as weak, so don't make him feel like he is. If he's finally talking about how he feels, don't bring your feelings into it. And if you're unsure of what to say, it's better not to say anything at all." he said.
I nodded, taking it all in. "Wow, that's a lot to take in. I've been doing it all wrong…" I shook my head, I should have come to him sooner.
"And that's okay, Alise. You've never experienced anything like this and you're going through the same battle in your own mind. It's a lot to deal with and you're doing exceptionally well."
I gave a small, half smile. "It's really hard, but I try…" I trailed off. "Is that anything else I should know?" I asked.
"Yeah… you'll want to rebuild safety and trust. I know you've expressed to me that you worry that at any second, something big can happen like the incident on the island and turn your world upside down again, I'm sure he's thinking the same thing. You worry about the future and limit yourself from talking about it. You used to be so future-oriented when I'd talk to you, but now you're worried too much about it. He feels the same way. If you talk more about future plans and make future plans, it'll help the both of you." he explained.
I nodded. "I didn't realize I was doing that… but I can definitely start doing that. We haven't made any future plans, we're so stuck on the here and now. I don't think we've even properly planned for Charlie... I mean, we aren't even sure if we're going to get our own place or stay with my parents when we have her."
"That's good, start talking about that with him." he urged.
I nodded. "What else can I do?" I was so determined, I wanted to know everything and anything I could do to help him.
"Are you sure? I've already told you so much."
"If there's more, I wanna know it." I told him.
He nodded, "Well, you can anticipate and manage his triggers, avoid them if possible. You know how to calm people down from a panic attack since you've had them in the past, yeah?" I nodded. "Since he had his outburst the other day, be prepared for that, should it happen again. Some patients of PTSD who were not violent before can become violent if they're angry enough, so if you notice him getting angry, try to calm him down before it escalates. But remember, your safety is number one. If he's having an outburst and you're worried for yourself or your baby, get as far away from him as possible. Come here or lock yourself in a room if you can't until he calms down. I'm not trying to scare you, but you need to know. Things happen." he explained.
I nodded. "I know…" I pray nothing like that would ever happen. "Thank you, Lance. This is all very helpful."
"You know all of this applies to you, right? You're very focused on Owen and Owen's needs, but you also need to focus on yours. Maybe look into a support group. I know of one that meets in town every Tuesday night for people with PTSD. Try to encourage Owen to go with you. And if you need anything, don't hesitate to call. Even if it's in the middle of the night, I'm always here." he said, reaching out to touch my hand. I smiled and nodded. He was always so caring. One of the reasons why he's perfect for Aspen.
Aspen walked back into the room with a plate in her hand and a glass of chocolate milk, which was something else she's been craving and drinking constantly.
"You know, I could also try to talk to him, mate to mate," Lance said after taking a sip of his wine.
"Mate to mate?" I asked.
"Like brother to brother, friend to friend." he explained. I get that he's British, but that just sounds awkward.
"Weird terminology," I said, shaking my head. "But either way, I don't think that'll work. He'll probably think you're psychoanalyzing him. Think about the last time you tried to talk to him, didn't he tell you to fuck off?" I asked, my brows raised.
Lance chuckled. "We were drunk and I beat him in poker. He was sat face down against the table and I said "hey, you alright, mate?" and then he told me to piss off. I don't think it's because I asked if he was okay. I drained him of fifty dollars and then proceeded to rub it in his face."
"Yeah, he wouldn't stop talking about that for a week. Said you cheated and robbed him." I laughed.
"Maybe I'll just ask if he wants a beer or something. We'll go to the pub down the street. Get him a little sloshed, poke the bear, he's gotta spill something."
"That doesn't sound very clinical." I said, my brows raised.
"That's why it'd be mate to mate." he said with a chuckle.
I rolled my eyes. "You're still talking about getting him drunk and the last time you drank he told you to fuck off." I said matter-of-factly, taking a sip of my tea.
"I can handle it," he said confidently. "I'll take a different approach this time. Have him talking before he even knows he's talking." he said.
"Whatever you say there, big boy." Aspen said, patting his back as she took a bit of that god-awful looking sandwich. It actually made me nauseous just looking at it.
I shrugged. "Hey, if you think it'll work, but all means, go for it. I just want him to talk to someone."
"I got this. I'll do it tonight while you girls have some girl talk, paint each other's toenails, whatever you girls do."
"That's sexist." I said seriously, but I was joking. I know Lance didn't mean it that way.
"Yeah, how do you know we don't have a secret love-affair and all we do whenever you leave us alone is have sex." Aspen said, washing down the sandwich with the chocolate milk, making me even more nauseous. I still chuckled at what she said.
"Now I'd be into that." Lance said with a smirk.
"Of course you would be," I said, rolling my eyes. He and Aspen both laughed. "Now, what's for dessert?" I asked.
Aspen laughed, "We haven't even had dinner!"
"I know, but I'm hungry and some peanut butter, ice cream, and toast sounds amazing."
"There's toast in the kitchen, but you'll have to call your lover for the ice cream and peanut butter." Aspen said as I got up and made my way into the kitchen.
"Yeah, Aspen went full-on pregnant mode and finished the whole tub of peanut butter last night!" Lance called, then I heard him say 'ouch' and Aspen mumbling something, so I gathered she probably punched him and most likely called him an idiot or something along those lines. I laughed to myself and pulled out my phone to call Owen.
"Hey baby, I'm right down the road," Owen said as he answered.
"You think you could get some peanut butter and ice cream? Baby wants some ice cream and toast." I said. Owen chuckled.
"Tell her 'you got it, Charlie'. I'll be there in 5." he said, hanging up the phone. I smiled and looked down at my stomach, rubbing it.
"Daddy's got you covered, baby girl." I smiled as she kicked.
