don't


She doesn't leave.

She can't.

Instead, she paces, staring out the window, arms folded. Thinks about what she did and what she said. And how she ran away from him, terrified that if she spent a moment longer with him… everything would spill; and she couldn't have that. Not in front of—

A knock on the door disrupts her thoughts.

Her head turns, startled by the sound. She knows who it is, recognises the reiatsu at once. How could she not? And her lips quirk into an involuntary smile because usually it's the other way around; and then she brushes away the tears that will never show on her face.

Above all else, she cannot break this rule: she must not cry.

The door opens.

"Yuzu," Karin says, smile fixed on her face. But the contrived smile only holds for a second because Yuzu has every emotion Karin feels (but does not show) written all over her heart-shaped face. "Oh, Yuzu."

Her hug, tight, enveloping, warm, and welcoming, is what her sister wants. That's what Ichi-nii has always said. Big sisters are there so they can protect their little sisters. And protection is exactly what Yuzu needs, a blanket that will shield her, a tissue to dry those tears which will fall. Karin will be that blanket and will be that tissue. And she knows in a heartbeat that Yuzu would do the same for her, if only Karin let her guard slip and unbuckle her armour, letting them to the ground.

But for now, Karin has to be the strong one.

"Tell me what happened." She presses a kiss to Yuzu's temple, holding Yuzu steady as she guides her sister to the sofa. Patient, she waits for Yuzu to shed every sorrow, so she can dry her sister's tears. Karin waits before she acts. Eats a satsuma because that's her soothing stimulus. Makes a cup of tea because that always helps Yuzu calm down. "Let it all out."

Yuz's words come tumbling out, the whole story, mumbled and spoken too quickly. But Karin pretends to be calm, stays by Yuzu's side. Because her little sister needs her.

This is the truth: her husband never loved her and was using her as a replacement for his childhood friend, who he was unable to let go of. The marriage was a sham. The love was a lie.

Yuzu has forgiven him for it.

Karin cannot.

Her bones scream to attack. Her muscles flex restlessly. But she has to get a grip, remain calm and level headed. Yuzu would not forgive her otherwise.

"Yuzu." Karin says again, and it feels like everything has crumbled into dust.

This time Yuzu looks at her, raising her red rimmed hazel eyes.

"I…" Yuzu swallows, struggling to talk and keep an even voice. But her voice wavers; it's heartbreaking how hard she tries all the same. Yuzu's words are bare audible. "I left him."

And Karin wonders what to feel.

She could be happy. This is her chance, the moment that she's been waiting for, hoping against the odds that he will be—

No.

She should be miserable. This is Yuzu's husband, whom her sister loves more than life itself. Who Yuzu has been madly in love with the whole time. So Karin should be angry. She should be furious. She—

"Karin?"

Karin closes her eyes. "Kami…" Breathing out, she forces her eyes open again, and sympathy flows from her solar plexus. It fills her and pours from every pore of her skin. "I'm so sorry."

"Don't be." And now Yuzu's tears fall once more, silent tears which cannot mend a broken heart. "It's not no one's fault. These things happen. Sometimes… sometimes marriages don't work out. I just didn't think that mine would be one of them. And…" Words falter, dying on her lips, and whatever the youngest Kurosaki sister is about to say is replaced with this: a quiet and muffled "… he didn't love me."

What?

And Karin wants to shout and smash and shred him to pieces. Throttle his mangy neck and…

And, oh… Yuzu is speaking again. Karin has to quell her rage or it will ruin everything.

Focus. Concentrate. Listen.

"… he called me 'Momo,' and then… everything made sense. The distance. The love. I… I think that's how it's always been. How he's always seen me, or… how he's not seen me. So I did something. Something that would help him move on and let go. I left. He couldn't do it otherwise, so I… I helped him." Her eyes lower, and her small hands curl up in her lap. "… I left him."

The words ring hollow in Karin's ears.

Slowly sinking in.

"When?" Numb, Karin speaks. Her voice seems dead, not hers at all. She feels detached, so very detached from everything at the moment. Like every single emotion has simply disappeared, pulled by a plug, drained away and not going to come back.

This is reality, and Yuzu is looking at her again, and the emotions are overflowing.

"Just now."

"No, not that." Karin shakes her head, that isn't what she was referring to. "When did he call you Momo?"

Yuzu blinks slowly, puzzled. "You were there. You heard him. He said—he said…" She swallows and then continues, "'Wait a second, Momo'. You were right there, Karin."

So why can't she remember?

Karin does remember their last encounter. How she teased him and then grew sombre. How she made the decision to leave and saw his lips move soundlessly. Wait a second—gone.

That was a few days ago.

And she couldn't face either of them until now.

Kami.

Momo… did he call Yuzu that? The name of the dead girl? Or did he call… her Momo?

Is that what they are to him? Replacements?

Her heartbeat's erratic, hammering, and she wants to do something. Feel. Bleed. Hurt. Touch. Hug. Kiss. She thinks she's going insane.

"Karin-chan? Karin?" Tentative, Yuzu speaks, but her words feel so far away. A ripple, an echo, of what is and was. "Are… are you okay?"

"I'm fine." Mechanically, woodenly she says; not believing herself for a second. "Fine, Yuzu."

Her little sister frowns. "But you're crying."

"No, I'm not." The big sister shakes her head slightly. "I'm not."

"… You are." Reaching out, Yuzu's fingers brush against her cheek, and it's only then that Karin realizes that her cheeks are wet and that Yuzu's middle finger is bare. "Why are you so unhappy?"

"Because you're not happy." An automatic answer: it's as simple as that. "I'm unhappy because you're not happy."

"But it's not… just that. There's more," The honey-haired girl says slowly, carefully. "Not solely because of this. Karin and Yuzu. When I'm happy, you're happy. When I'm unhappy, you're unhappy. That's true. But Karin… we're not mirrors. We're individuals too. So… what are you hiding?"

"The promise." Karin says listlessly, and she thinks she's made of stone. "That promise he made me, the one where he would always make you happy."

And he'd broken it.

He'd broken Yuzu.

"Karin…" Hesitating, but probing nonetheless, the younger sister tries again. "Tell me."

I'm still in love with him.

But how?

Why?

Her mouth parts, ready to speak, but Karin can't say the words.

She stands up.

"I have to go."

"Karin!" And Yuzu grabs her arm, fresh tears running free. "Please. I'm here for you."

Maybe that's it.

The last straw.

She just snaps.

"No. No, Yuzu, you're not." She is so sick of this. She's sick, and tired, and she can't pretend anymore. "I'm in love with him! I'm in…" Lowers her voice, she's been shouting, and her voice is almost a whisper now. "… in love with Toushirou. I have been for so, so long." And it feels good to get it all out in the open. Liberating. "You haven't been there for me. Not like I've been there for you. For you, Yuzu."

Karin wants to take her sister's shoulders and shake her until she sees sense. Yuzu has to know this. What she's done to protect Yuzu as much as possible.

But instead, there's only blankness and confusion, mixed in with pity on her sister's face.

"And what…" Yuzu stops, then starts, voice neutral, trying to find control over the situation and make it civil. "What have you done?"

"Everything! I tried to stay away, I tried to move on, I tried to forget about him… and nothing worked." Missions – countless missions to slew Hollows, a frenzied fever… that only her snowflake saved her from. And got hurt in the process. But by injuring himself, he helped her. He made her realize that feelings don't just go away, even if they're submerged in a one track mind. And she still loved him. Still.

Even if she doesn't exactly know why. It doesn't make sense! She should hate him because of what he's done to Yuzu.

"Why didn't you tell me?" There's an edge of hysteria to her voice, one that Karin has never heard before. But then, Yuzu has never lost so much. Never knew that her sister has been hiding a secret so damning. Everything that Yuzu depended on has been taken away from her.

Toushirou has already broken her heart. Now Karin has too.

"Because if you knew, you'd be hurt." She looks away when she says that, afraid of her sister's reaction.

"Lots of things hurt, Karin. But hiding that, from me, for so long, smiling all the time, acting if nothing was wrong… that hurts more. If you told me, I would have helped. I'd have been there for you!"

This is Yuzu: raw, angry and betrayed in so many ways.

"But… I'm supposed to protect you. I'm your big sister." Karin's supposed to be the strong one. Instead, she's having a shouting match, against the person she never thought she would.

"Karin, I'm not made of glass!" There's a pause, and Karin realizes that's exactly how she's seen her sister. Fragile. Ready to break at any moment. Yuzu continues, quieter now, apparently realizing that that's how she's been viewed. "I'm not as weak as everyone thinks. Fourth Division simply needs a different sort of strength."

Fourth Division: always the butt of jokes. Always under appreciated.

In a stronger, gentler voice Yuzu continues to speak. "I can take care of myself; I don't need you to do that for me."

It's in the following silence that Karin collapses into Yuzu's arms. Unsure how to deal with Yuzu's statement, her head feels dizzy, the room swirls around her. Her job, her most important job, to keep Yuzu safe, has been removed. Protecting Yuzu, against all costs, has been such an integral part of her.

"Oh, Karin. You didn't… no…" And she doesn't let go, cheek resting on Karin's dark hair. "Why do you think we have Ichi-nii, you idiot? So he can take care of us. And you have me. So I can take care of you." A kind smile graces her lips, hopelessly curved. "The little sister is there to hold the fort when the big sister is down."

Their anger has abated, and while the grief remains, tenderness and affection for each other surpasses everything else.

"Love you." Karin murmurs, shifting slightly, her head resting on her shoulder.

"Love you too," Yuzu says, holding her tight.

Karin and Yuzu.

Yuzu and Karin.

It feels like they're twins again.

"I'm sorry." Her voice muffled, the elder sibling sits up but still rests near to Yuzu. "About Toushirou."

Karin wonders if her younger sister is going to flinch and be filled with bitterness for the world.

But instead, Yuzu holds on, hands entwined, and while there are traces of citric acrimony, there's more hope which can be seen.

"Me too."

And there's not much to say after that.

(But her blood still bays for vengeance.)