Warning: Kyehehehe. Looks like most people want either Gaz or Dib. Sounds fun! Let's see what I do with that! ^_^ ... Anyway... this is a very weird fic with all sorts of pairings and such... You've been warned! YES! YES, YOU HAVE! BWAHAHAHA! WAAAAAARNED! WARNED, MY LITTLE FLAMER! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA-

... javacola.


Chapter Seven: CALL ME QUEEN


The morning sun slowly edged in to the sky, as if fearful of what it might find. The day before had been filled with the terror that was Keef. Keef had followed Zim home from highskool and, for many hours, repeatedly rang his doorbell.
The hideous siege had continued long in to the night, as Keef refused to leave and continued his assault on the doorbell. Eventually, Keef had been distracted by the neighborhood squirrels and momentarily forgot about Zim.
Morning continued to spread its warm rays across the city before settling down in to its usual routine.
GIR trotted in to the living room, humming happily, as he tilted his head back and forth. He marched towards the windows, which were closed tightly with the curtains drawn.
"Maaaaaasterrrrrr!" GIR sang, happily, as he opened the curtains with an enthusiastic flourish. "It's time to go to SKOOOOL!"
"Can't go... Keef will get me... can't go... Keef will get me... can't go... Keef will get me...," Zim whispered, huddled in a corner. GIR blinked, then giggled.
"AWWWW!" GIR crooned. "Master needs a hug!"
Suddenly, the doorbell rang. GIR looked up, then squealed and ran for the door.
"NO!" Zim shrieked, lunging to grab the SIR. GIR dodged Zim and flung the door open with a giggle. Zim yowled and brought up his arms, to shield himself, and waited.
... for nothing to happen.
Zim blinked and opened an eye.
Dib stood in the doorway, looking squarely at Zim with an almost unreadable expression. Zim blinked, then leapt to his feet and pointed at Dib.
"YOU?!" he cried.
"Yes, me," Dib said, tensely. "Get ready. We're going to skool,"
"ME!? GO TO SKOOL!? WITH YOOOOU?" Zim repeated, rearing back in a melodramatic fashion. Dib snorted, then leaned forward and smirked.
"Would you rather go with Keef?"
Moments later, Zim walked dully down the sidewalk next to Dib. He glared, poisonously, at the concrete while trying his best to ignore the smirking human beside him.
"Keef doesn't bother me, you know," Zim grunted.
"He bothers ime/i," Dib replied.
"You?" Zim arched an invisible eyebrow.
"You're my alien," Dib said. "I'm not letting anyone else have you,"
"ZIM BELONGS TO NO OOOOOONE!" Zim cried.
"Be quiet or Keef will find you," Dib commented.
Zim instantly silenced and returned to musing as he walked.

-------------------------------------

"Damn it," Purple grunted as he glared at the personal transmitter in the Tallests' quarters. "Missed him again," he sighed, leaning back and tapping his claws idly against his chair. "Little bastard's certainly busy, isn't he?"
Purple glanced around the room, idly, as he scowled.
"I forgot to send him a new outfit," he muttered.
"That's okay,"
Purple's eyes widened as he turned to look over his shoulder. Red smirked, wickedly, from across the room. He put his claws on his hips as he stood, seemingly towering over Purple even though they were the same size, as he wore a tight red and black dominatrix outfit. His eyes sparkled, evilly. Purple stared, unsure of whether he should run.
"If I can't play with Zim," Red began, casually. He reached in to the front of his outfit. He pulled out a very tight leather slave outfit, complete with spiked collar, and what looked suspiciously like a leash. He tossed Purple a very wicked look. "... then I'll play with you," he finished.
Purple slowly backed away, a light flush appearing on his cheeks.
"Um...," Purple's eyes darted about.
"Ooooh," Red purred. "I hoped you'd...," Red dropped the outfit on the floor and reached in to his outfit once more only to pull out a set of cat-o-nine tails. "... RESIST...,"
Purple squeaked, then turned tail and bolted for the door.
"YOU'RE INSANE!" he cried as he attempted to open the door, only to find it locked.
"No... don't call me INSANE...," Red snickered as he approached his consort. "Call me... iQUEEN!/I"
Purple stopped and looked at Red, oddly.
"... but you're male,"
"... DO NOT QUESTION YOUR QUEEN!"
A loud snap soon followed, as well as the sound of clothes being torn by the sheer force of the blow.
"OW! THAT HURT!"
"It's supposed to!"
Another snap issued forth, echoing with the sound of impact against bare skin and clothes.
"EYAH! DON'T DO THAT!"
"Want me to kiss it and make it better?"
"NO!"
"Too bad. I will, anyway,"
"H-HEY!"
"Mmmm, needs to be TENDERIZED,"
More snaps issued, followed by the sounds of yelping and a demented cackle. The two Irken guards glanced at each other, warily, as they debated the wisdom of rescuing Purple from his 'assailant'.
Their pondering was quickly interrupted by the sound of an adorable whimper, then an evil snicker.
"Say iiiit...,"
"No...,"
"SAY IIIIT!"
"NO!"
A loud whip snap issued.
"...! Q-QUEEN!"
"AGAIIIIN!"
"...,"
Another snap of the whip.
"EEEYAH! QUEEN!"
"Agaaaain!"
"... Queen?"
"Agaaaaaain...,"
"Queeeeeeeeeen...,"
"Mnnn...,"
The two guards shivered.
"He can save his own hide," the first muttered. The second one nodded vigorously.
"Yup, yup," he agreed.
"Didn't hear nuthin'... don't know nuthin'...," the first continued as he turned to face forward.
"Right," the second agreed. "Just a perfectly... quiet... night,"

--------------

Zim peered about, warily, as he settled in to his desk. The room was empty, as the Dib human had dragged them both to skool relatively early. Zim yawned, slightly, and massaged his forehead. He had never gone to skool so early before.
The sound of metal scraping against the ground jarred Zim from his drowsy daze. He looked up, sharply, to see Dib moving his desk next to Zim's while adjusting the rest of the class accordingly.
"... What are you doing," Zim grunted.
"Rearranging," Dib replied. He looked up and grinned, slightly. "What's wrong? Don't they rearrange on your planet?"
"Now you're just being an ass," Zim replied, tartly, as he crossed his arms. Dib chuckled, then sat down in his desk and leaned back. Zim eyed him, scowling. "If this is a scheme to capture me, HUMAN, then you're obviously losing your touch,"
"No," Dib smirked. "It's a scheme to make sure no one else gets to you,"
"No one else?" Zim repeated, confused. "Like who?"
"You have to ask?" Dib arched an eyebrow. Zim blinked, then cringed.
"... Oh," he grunted. He scowled at Dib. "What business is it of yours, anyway, HUMAN? Why should you care about the Keef human!?"
"I don't care about him. I just want him to stay away from you," Dib replied. "And it IS my business. You're my alien. I discovered you, I fought you, and I'm going to capture you,"
"Hah," Zim snorted. "As if a PATHETIC HUMAN could EVER capture ZIM,"
"And why not?" Dib smirked. "This HUMAN planet has allready captured some aspects of you,"
"... What are you talking about!?" Zim snarled.
"For one... you used a human cussword," Dib chuckled.
"... I did?" Zim blinked.
"Yes. Our culture is weedling its way in to your life... eventually, you'll end up acting more like a human than a...," Dib faltered. "... a Zimmy... Zim... thing!"
"NEVERRRRRRRRR!" Zim shrieked.
"Face it, Zim," Dib snickered. "You're losing. You may as well give up now,"
"Why would I, ZIM, do something as stupid as that!?" Zim hissed. "So you can gut me on an autopsy table?!"
Dib blinked and regarded Zim, his eyes narrowing slightly.
"... I did promise you a one way trip to the autopsy table," he admitted, thoughtfully. Zim scowled. "... but... I've come up with something even better,"
"... Even better?" Zim blinked, confused. He yelped in surprise when Dib leaned close, smiling coyly.
"I never did claim what is mine," he purred. Zim blinked, then let out a bewildered squeak when Dib grabbed his wrists and yanked him close. Zim winced, then squirmed and attempted to free his wrists from the human's tight grip.
"Let go... DIB," Zim hissed, struggling.
"No," Dib replied. Zim was about to snarl at Dib when he felt himself thrown backwards, out of his chair. Zim yelped when he hit the wall. He shook his head, momentarily dazed, before letting out a startled yelp as Dib hauled him to his feet and pinned him against the wall. Zim tensed, staring eye to eye with Dib.
Dib chuckled darkly, then leaned closer.
"What's this?" he mocked. "For once, you don't have anything to say?"
"...," Zim stared. Dib chuckled and leaned closer, his glasses steaming up due to their breath. As he leaned closer, Zim felt a knot him his stomach form. He couldn't think or move; he had never felt so helpless before.
Dib closed his eyes as he leaned closer and closer.
Suddenly, a large crash broke the silence. Dib's eyes opened wide just as he felt a large object hit him upside the head. Dib yowled and grabbed his head, wincing in pain.
That moment of distraction was all Zim needed to regain his senses and use his Irken survival techniques to the fullest extent.
He ran like hell.
Dib opened his eyes just in time to see Zim disappear out of the room. Dib scowled, rubbing his head painfully, and glanced down. He gave a start and stared at the book by his feet, which was no doubt the object that had hit him. He bent down and picked up the book, staring at the title. The cover displayed a picture of a voodoo doll impaled by a large spike as well as large, red words that read "Doom For Dummies: A Guide To Dooming Others".
Dib stared at the book, then glanced over his shoulder to stare at the window. One of the glass panes was shattered. Dib scowled, then glanced back at the book.
"...,"