A/N: Thanks for the support! The title of this story comes from the amazing song The Mighty Fall by Fall Out Boy, and it goes quite well with the theme (atleast I think so.) I'd highly recommend giving it a listen or looking up the lyrics :)
~oOo~
Sharon was struggling -not that she'd ever admit to it- but she was torn. There was the easy decision and a hard decision, but the more she thought about the options, the more difficult each of them seemed. The easy choice -the choice she made with her heart- was to help Andy become sober, to support him and do what she could in terms of friendship. The hard choice was to turn him away. To turn a blind eye to the broken man in front of her and act as though she couldn't see it. But the more she pondered her choices, the more distorted they became. The easy choice soon became the more difficult one and vice versa. In helping him recover, she was also giving him the opportunity to turn her life upside down and destroy it the same way Jack had. But if she turned him away, he would self destruct, she just wouldn't have to watch him do it.
Sharon lets out an exasperated sigh and rests her head on her arms at the kitchen table. She wasn't in the mood to eat, nor was she particularly in the mood to explain the current predicament to Rusty. She realized, however, that both had to be done.
"Are you okay?" Rusty questions, taking a bite of the macaroni he had made for dinner, "This is so unlike you."
"I'm just stressed." She mutters through her hands, "The past few days have not been ideal."
Sharon hears Rusty push his chair away from the table and walk towards the kitchen, but she makes no effort to question him, nor does she move from her current position.
"Here." She hears the unmistakable sound of her wine glass being sat down on the table and lifts her head, offering him a strained smile.
"Thank you." She takes a sip of the wine and stirs the pasta on her plate, "You can ask. I know you want to."
"Uh, okay." He sits back down across from her, scratching the back of his neck in a very Andy-esque way, "How's the Lieutenant?"
"I have to call him later." She answers, cautiously eating a noodle, "But he seemed better today. We had a conversation before I left tonight and," she pauses for a moment, choosing not to mention their embrace in her office, "and he understands that I want to help him in any way I can. I think knowing I won't turn him away makes him feel a little better."
"But... He..." Rusty eats a spoonful of cheese sauce while he organizes his thoughts, "He's not going to get better all by himself Sharon. He needs to go back to AA and..." His voice trails off.
"I don't think he wants to go back." She explains, diverting her eyes to the practically untouched dish in front of her, "If he goes back to AA, he'll have to admit in front of everyone what he did. He'll feel even more guilty about it, and though they'll try to support him, it'll make things more difficult."
"Okay. That makes sense." Rusty nods, "What about his sponsor? He still has one of them, right?"
"I would think so." She takes a generous sip of wine, "But his addiction isn't something he's comfortable talking about -hasn't been- in all the time I've known him. I don't know his sponsor's name or the last time they talked."
"Does everyone else know?"
"No. No, just myself and Lieutenant Provenza." She shakes her head, watching as the wine swirls around the glass, "It only becomes relevant to the unit if or when he cannot preform his duties as a Lieutenant. Until then, I expect him to do his best to show up on time, sober, and in the right frame of mind to accomplish whatever tasks may be required of him."
"Woah, what's with you?" Rusty questions, throwing her a perplexed look which she quickly returns, "You just got all professional and rulebook-y."
"Well, Russell," she smirks, "I've still got some FID in me I guess."
"Clearly." He rolls his eyes, "Are you done eating?" He motions to her plate.
"Yeah." She nods, handing him the plate, "Thank you."
"You ate one noodle." He states, his voice taking on a very paternal tone, "Eat some more."
Sharon glares at him over her glasses but does as she is told, giving up again when half of the plate had been emptied, "Happy now?"
"Yes, Sharon." He laughs, accepting the plate when she hands it to him, walking to the kitchen and placing the remainder of the macaroni in a container for later, "If I can help you... or..." He hesitates, "or the Lieutenant, just ask me okay? It's wouldn't be a bother, especially not after everything he's done for both of us."
"That's really sweet, Rusty." She meets him in the kitchen, a proud smile playing on her lips, "It's going to take some time, but I know he'll pull through this. He's stronger than he lets himself believe."
Uncomfortable with where the conversation may be headed, Rusty takes it as the perfect opportunity to flee, "Well, I have homework to do, make sure you call him, okay?"
"I will." She smiles warmly, gently squeezing his forearm as he passes, "Thank you for being so supportive of him. It means a lot to both of us."
~oOo~
As much as she wanted to call Andy, she didn't want to just as much. Sitting on the edge of her bed, phone in hand, she lets out a deep breath. What if she calls and he's drunk again? What if he doesn't answer because he's out at a bar? What if she says something that sets him off? All of these ideas swirl through her mind like the wine in her glass had just minutes earlier as she hesitantly scrolls through her contacts, pausing at Andy's name. She closes her eyes and falls back on the bed, clutching the phone to her chest in a futile attempt to clear her head.
Her phone vibrating in her hands nearly causes her to scream (which would've been funny had she not been extremely on edge.) With shaking hands she slides her thumb across the screen, answering the call- Andy's call.
"Hello?" She asks, still laying back against the bed, an air of heaviness in her voice.
"Hi." He chuckles, causing Sharon -for some reason she cannot even begin to fathom at the moment- to picture him in high school, tripping over his words and chuckling nervously in a failed attempt to impress a girl. But things were different now, he was older, she was older, and Sharon now knew that she was that girl.
"Um, hello." She finally responds pushing a stubborn lock of hair behind her ear absentmindedly, "I was just going to call you. How're you feeling?"
"You know," he replies, sounding as if the answer was neither here nor there, "I mean, I'd like a drink but I've felt that way for the past twenty years."
"Rusty asked about you." She almost whispers, "He said he'll do whatever he can to help."
"Oh." His voice suddenly seems heavy with worry, "So... He knows?"
"Yeah. He found you this morning and came to me. The first thing he said was that we have to help you and I..." Her voice is breaking, making matters more complicated. She shouldn't care so damn much, "I've never been more proud of him."
"You've raised him well." Sharon can almost see him smiling on the other end of the line, "So..."
"Hm?" She hums questioningly. A silent moment passes before she hums again, "Andy? You still there?"
"Yeah, ah, I'm just thinking." He sighs.
"About what?"
"Nicole. I just... I miss her so damn much." His voice is thick with emotion and Sharon swallows hard.
"Did I ever tell you about Amanda?"
"No. Who's Amanda?"
"I lost a daughter once too." She exhales, reaching up and rubbing her eyes, "I had just found out I was pregnant, and Jack, he wasn't around much at the time, but I was still a beat cop downtown. Kennedy and I got called to a domestic disturbance and when we showed up, we found a man yelling at his wife. She was beaten up pretty badly and he was hopped up on LSD. He just came at us. He tackled me and started punching me and I couldn't get him off. By the time Kennedy got him cuffed I knew I'd lost the baby. I could just tell and... Why am I even telling you this?" She lets out a watery laugh, a sad smile breaking across her face.
"Something about trying to relate to me?" Andy tries, a hint of sarcasm in his voice, "I'm sorry that happened to you Sharon, that's just-" he takes a deep breath, "just damn. This world is so cruel."
"It is." She sighs, sitting up and shrugging out of her jacket, "But these things happen for a reason Andy."
"Yeah, so I could fall off the wagon." He laughs cynically.
"Is that really how you see it?" She asks softly, sitting her phone on the bed and switching it into speaker mode so she can change into pajamas, "That God killed Nicole so you would drink?"
"I don't know." He sighs, "I mean, if there is a God, why the hell would he take my daughter?" The pain in his voice was evident, and Sharon bites her bottom lip as she tries to organize her response.
"Andy?" God, this is stupid. What are you thinking Sharon? "Maybe... Uh..." She was always so articulate with her words, but the borderline-babble coming through the phone worried Andy, "Maybe all of this happened so you would say the things you've been holding in."
"This is about whatever I said last night, isn't it?" He exhales, no doubt running a hand through his hair, "What did I say?"
"You know." She answers cryptically, a small smile tugging at her lips, "Deep down, you know."
"Can you please just tell me?" He asks, his voice carrying a note of playful frustration, "Please?"
"What you said was eight letters." She grins to herself, knowing if she said three words he'd catch on right away, "I'm sorry, I'm enjoying this a little too much."
"Eight letters?" He asks confused, "I said eight letters? Why the hell would I say that?"
"No," she lets out a hardy laugh as she sits on the edge of the bed, now wearing a t-shirt and fleece pants, "it was an eight letter phrase."
"Oh." He laughs awkwardly, "Well that could be any number of things. I'm an idiot... Crap wait that's nine."
"You're not an idiot!" She exclaims, giddy with laughter, "Also not what you said."
"Okay, hm." She can hear him tap his finger on his chin, "Let me think about it."
"Of course." Sharon smiles, wondering how the man who was now making her so happy had had her so distraught less than twenty-four hours ago, "I'm waiting."
"Okay, what about Provenza? That's eight letters."
"No." She giggles, curling up in bed, the phone resting on the pillow next to her head, "Not even close."
"Sharon, I don't know!" He chuckles, "Can you just tell me?"
"You do know." She smirks, twirling a strand of hair with her index finger, "Are you alright?"
"I'm fine, honestly I'm a lot better since I talked to you and this afternoon helped a lot too."
"Ah." She breathes out, unsure of what to say or where Andy may be trying to steer the conversation.
"Yeah." He sighs, "Well I better let you go. Goodnight, Sharon."
"Andy," she says almost hesitantly, "promise you'll call if you get a craving. I promised I'd help you, and my phone's always on."
"You don't need to do that for me."
"I know. But I want to."
"I'll call you if something happens, I promise. Goodnight."
"No," she reprimands, "you'll call me before something happens, understood?"
"Yes, Captain." He responds with feigned annoyance, "Thank you for everything. I can't even begin to explain what you mean to me."
"You already have." She smiles, "Goodnight, Andy."
~oOo~
Closing her eyes and letting out a deep sigh, Sharon internally kicks herself. What was she thinking? Flirting with him like that? The last thing she needed right now was for him to think she was leading him on. But would she be? Was she right now? She wasn't sure.
He had said he loved her, and no amount of wine would ever make her forget that. Did she love him? No, but she knew she could. She could feel it when they looked at each other, or talked like they just had. He held a special place in her heart, but she didn't love him. Not yet. But she wanted to so badly.
She wanted to run her fingertips across his imperfections, to kiss the scars that had accumulated throughout his life. She wanted him to see himself the way she did, to help him fall in love with himself as she did the same.
It was impractical. Hell, it was the craziest thing she'd thought of in quite some time.
If she gave heart heart to him now, she knew it would be difficult, even more so while trying to juggle their high-risk and high-stress jobs. Sharon tries to push away the thoughts bubbling right below the surface, but she can't. She can't help but imagine what his lips would taste like when they met hers, or how his fingertips would dance across her skin as they traced her body.
She couldn't be doing this, not now. Not when he was so fragile. That thought made her roll her eyes. Andy Flynn, fragile. Yeah right. But she was right, she was just afraid to acknowledge it. The man that she had come to rely so heavily on, the man she sought comfort from now searched for the same things in her.
She wanted to help him on his road to sobriety just as much as she wanted to love him. He wasn't sober yet, and she hadn't yet fallen for him.
She could do both though, she knew she could.
~oOo~
A/N: This kind of sounds like an ending, and I can just leave it here (unless you fab people would like me to continue it) So please let me know!
