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Chapter Seven
The Prices Paid
"I'm hungry." I mumbled.
Sam snorted ruffling my hair, "You always are, Bella."
I shoved my face harder into the groove of his neck, "Can I go to the convenience store?" I knew full well before I left I never needed to ask but now things had changed. We had changed.
"Yeah, I'll come with." Sam pushed us up, calmly holding me to him.
"I'm not your teddy bear, Sammy." I mused but I didn't move. I missed this; I missed him.
"Shut up." He retorted kindly throwing me on the bed. I watched him grab his coat and wallet then accepted the hand he offered me.
He didn't bother telling Dean where we were going; we both knew Dean would probably meet us there.
We walked in silence to the small store, I held onto a loose end of his shirt trying not to let my mind think. I felt as though I had to cut my head open and let them examine my brain so they could really understand the reason why I left. I thought they understood it and maybe they did, just like how Dean maybe understood the reason for Sam to leave also. But then again, maybe they didn't. But maybe they did…it was a stupid game I was playing and one that was getting stale, fast.
I heard the cling from the door and walked through the threshold, looking for the 'healthy' things; like M&Ms for Dean and Twix for Sam and well, anything for me really. I soon found myself immersed in the candy aisle and forgot all about Sam; I barely registered Dean walking up to me, pecking me on the top of the head. Candy, what could I say about thee?
I felt a vibration in my pocket and deftly shoved my hand to retrieve my phone, "Yes?"
"Hey Mira!"
I smiled hugely despite myself. Whenever I heard the excited voice of Daniel on the other end, I could never help myself. He was so energetic and happy with so much spunk. It was amazing to think that just a few months back his sister's ghost had been trying to drown him. He never ceased to amaze me with his constant courage and even his weaknesses were his strengths.
I had met Daniel in a small city in the middle of nowhere America. I was at the library doing research on poltergeists and of course the elusive Chupacabra on my day off, when this spunky blond haired ten years old boy interrupted me.
He arrogantly sat down besides me and if he hadn't told me his age, I would have assumed him to be much older. It was his presence, I guess. He had large dark circles under his eyes and scratches on his cheek. Being Daniel, he wormed his way into my concentration, shoved past my shields and settled himself close to my heart. I tried biting my tongue the entire conversation we had, I told him almost everything about me and he told me everything about him. I found out his sister had just died, they were twins and I could tell he missed her. He had wanted to join her but I vehemently put my foot down, and changed my boring research into research for the new case I threw myself into.
I had always wanted a little brother, someone to take care of. Sam and Dean always took care of me and I wished my mom had given me someone to take care of before she died. I missed my brothers a lot and though it didn't help that he reminded me of Sam when we were kids, I didn't mind, he was my new little brother. One who was safer for me.
He phoned me often, and I didn't mind. Heck, it was either him or Bobby, so I relished the time when we spoke. Everything about him was so refreshing, it was probably because he was so young, and I liked hearing his easy chatter. It made me realize the reasons why I hunted, the reasons I often forgot.
"Hello? Are you listening to me?" He demanded.
And I smiled, barely paying attention to the candy I threw into the basket, "Yes, of course Dan! I was just thinking about how cute you were when I first met you."
I heard a disgusted disgruntled sound from his end, "I'm not a little boy! I'm turning eleven in six months!"
"Oh, wow. Eleven." I deadpanned. "Anyway, what's up Dan? Haven't heard from you in a week." We chattered away for a while and my basket was starting to get heavier by the minute. We signed off in our usual child-like giggles and I felt elation fill me. When I saw Almond Joy next to Kit Kat, I knew I was in heaven. Where were Dean and Sam? My arm felt like it was going to fall off and I wanted to show them that this candy aisle was made just for me.
I turned around trying to find them and died.
Dean was frowning heavily and Sam looked taken aback. Had I done something wrong? Did I throw too much crap into the basket? Why the heck were they looking at me like I was a Yeti?
"What?" I asked trying not to feel the need to look around if there was a monster behind me.
"Whom were you talking to?" Sam asked quietly. I swallowed audibly not realizing what was up.
"Who is this Dan?" Dean asked just as deadly.
I heard the ting of the light bulb going off in my head, "Oh, wait…you think Dan and I? But he's…" Then I started laughing. I realized the minute Dean grabbed the basket from my hand and threw it on the floor, and Sam gripping my arm tightly pulling me out of the store; that they really took this Dan business seriously. It didn't help that Dean and Sam were already pretty suspicious of me and they hadn't had the chance yet to have the talk with me either. Crap.
"Could you slow down? My legs aren't as long as yours." I called up to Sam.
"Shut up." Dean barked grabbing my other arm and pulling me along. Seriously, after this was done, I'm really going to have a talk with them too.
I winced when they slammed the door shut after them, locking me into our motel room and I tried not to balk when they stood there, both glaring at me.
"Who is this Dan person?" Dean asked quietly.
"Dean—"
"Mirabella Natalie Larose Cole Winchester!" Sam snapped and I began to gnaw at my bottom lip. "Why won't you answer the question?"
"Because it's not a question! It's a damn Inquisition!" I snapped just as loudly. "Dan and I are not…are not…he's ten years old!" I shouted, my spirits pummeling. Why did they not believe me?
They both looked taken aback but Dean snorted just as fast, "Yeah sure he is. What's his last name?"
"Why, you going to get Bobby to do a background check on him?" I mocked then realized that he was completely serious. "Ask Bobby about the twins and poltergeists. He'll know." I said quietly. I knew I had left and when I left I took their trust with me but still, there was a small part of me that wanted their undying trust. And not even I could believe in such a thing.
We watched Dean stalk off ringing Bobby about Dan and I bit my lip to keep it from quivering. I knew it would be hard for us to come back together but at least I still trusted them because at the end of the day we were blood and we were all we had left.
"Mira…" Sam began quietly. He was always the nicer of the two when they both berated me and he always felt guilty first.
"Don't Sam. Don't even stand there and try to apologize for condemning me when we both know I didn't do anything wrong. I have never lied to you and unlike you two; I don't have any intentions of lying either. Dan's my friend, when I had nothing left; I found something to give me hope again. So shoot me if I was wrong." I said quietly not even glancing over at Dean when he joined us again.
"He checks out." Dean told Sam.
I raised my eyebrows at Sam and shrugged, "Can I go now?"
"No. You are going to talk to us, Mira." Dean commanded.
"About what? Having two brothers that are worse than scum?" I retorted biting harder on my lip.
"Don't you raise your voice, you might not like us right now but you have no right to speak to us like that." Dean snapped.
"I have no rights!" I shouted.
"And you won't if you keep on acting the way you are now!" Dean snapped.
I slammed my eyes shut and tried to stop the quakes coming from my insides, I sure as heck did not miss then trampling all over me. But I had to keep reminding myself that they loved me and they only meant the best, trying to protect me and all; but dang, they need to breathe sometimes.
"I don't have a boyfriend." I admitted, hating the fact that I could feel my face getting redder.
"And…" Dean asked waiting. I felt no need to say more, didn't that mean that I had a huge V tattooed to my forehead?
"That's all." I shook my head trying not to feel my stomach join in the fun with the rest of my insides also.
We stared at each other for what seemed like hours and I hated when Dean and I always engaged in the familiar cold war. We were both stubborn and it usually took great will and loss of pride to admit our own follies. "I don't know what else there is to say!"
Dean stared at me clenching his jaw, refusing to give in.
"I don't!" I shouted when Dean raised his eyebrow.
"How about that I hate being a girl most times because I'll never fit in with either of you! Or about the first time I got my period I thought I was dying because Dad and everyone refused to talk to me about my own damn body! Of course I'm a virgin, how could I not be when I have you two freaks as brothers!" I shouted, hating them at that moment.
Hating myself for acting like I did before I left. It was at that moment, when I slammed the bathroom door shut behind me and locked it, cowering in the tub: when I realized that this was the real reason why I left. Because after all my growing, after going to the ends of the earth and back; I was still always going to be their five year old sister who doesn't know anything. I felt smaller than I've ever felt before and it hurt to think of the way they both looked at me, how far I've fallen, so I curled up in the tub and began to cry.
I cried for Dad and for all the lost times I had with him. I cried when I felt the sting of remorse, of his disappointment. I even shed tears over my stupid brothers and for Dan's sister. But I mostly cried for my mom, a mom who was never supposed to be, for someone as selfish as she but from I could remember of her, I held tightly onto. I remember the way she smelled of flowers, would chatter away as I held tightly onto her. At my strongest moments, I barely glanced her way, not even bothering to thank her for mothering me. She died before she could really do anything more but I really knew the truth. At my weakest moments, I accepted that truth, that deep down, I really wanted her to come back, that I missed her just as fierce but in an own unique way as I did with Dad. I used to dream about her, of what we could do, of how lucky other people were. I used to curse them in the same breath but now I have to shrug. The world doesn't nurture dreamers; they die like the rest of us. At least I have her to thank for one lesson in life.
I curled tighter around myself when I heard a door slam and someone picking the bathroom lock. I didn't want to talk and I didn't want to see them either. I wanted to be alone, couldn't they understand that?
"I'm sorry." I heard beside me as Sam settled himself down besides the tub. I shook my head and flinched when he touched my shoulder, he sighed and let the hand remain. "We mean the best Bella, we want the best for you. And wherever you're concerned we tend to forget ourselves and act like cavemen."
I hesitantly uncovered my face and glanced over at the depressed looking Sam, "I just don't get it." I rasped out. I hated crying, it always made me feel like a huge blotchy red blob.
Sam sighed, "After us being apart for so long, I guess we let our imaginations get away from us and we thought the worst." And I bit back a louder sigh biting harder on my bottom lip until I tasted blood.
"Please, Bella, stop crying."
"Why do you always use so many nicknames for me?" I complained.
I felt Sam shrug and he sighed rubbing his hand down my back in a circular motion, "You're not telling me what's really bothering you."
"I told you." I mumbled against his chest. It hurt my own chest the way I was smashed against the tub and Sam knew that. He pulled me out and let me sit in his lap.
"No, I know you are upset that you think we don't trust you. I know you're upset because we cornered you into telling the truth—"
"I miss my mom." I blurted out suddenly afraid. I knew the way their mom had died and I knew they were still touchy as heck. I felt Sam stiffen and I sniffled, "I'm sorry."
Sam pulled me back to stare down at my face, "Why?" He whispered, wiping the tears from my face.
"You know why." I stared at his chest, feeling shame over my statement. They lost their mom too but that didn't mean they didn't miss her. I was the only one sobbing.
"Hey, stop it." Sam shushed. "You have every right to feel that way and I'm your brother. Just because we lost our mom…doesn't mean you can't come to us and talk."
I hugged him tighter to me, I loved him more than ever and I was so glad I found my way back. I sighed and shoved my head against his neck, "I wish…I wish we could be a huge family."
"We are a family." Sam commented.
I shook my head, "I know that, silly. I meant I wish I could have mom back and you could have yours back too. And Dad. Maybe I could have a little brother."
Sam sighed, "You thought a lot about this haven't you?"
"Sometimes. I just see other families and I can't help but wishing."
"I'm not going to tell you not to keep on wishing but Bella, you have to know that it won't change things." Sam said kindly.
"I know. I only think about it when I'm having a bad day." I amended.
"I'm glad you told me." Sam tightened his hold on me, "Do you forgive me?"
"What's to forgive? I mean, you did hurt my feelings Sammy but…" I shrugged.
Sam kissed my head, "You forgive too easily."
I suppressed the urge to wipe my nose on his shirt, "You did hurt me but…I'm glad you're here."
Sam sighed, "Dean—"
"I don't want to talk about him." I might have forgiven Sam but I sure as heck did not forgive Dean. He pushed too far and somehow he thought the worst. How could I ever turn out like a girl version of him? No, I won't forgive him easily.
"He'll come around." Sam commented.
"I don't care."
Sam snorted, "Sure you don't."
I didn't care. I didn't care that he was probably with some floozy instead of where I wanted him to be. I didn't care that he had hurt my feelings or that all I wanted from him was validity. But most of all I didn't care that I actually cared at all.
