Episode 7: Fifty Minutes


Grif woke up in the morning alone. He was worried about Simmons, so he got dressed quickly for once and ran to breakfast, hoping he would be in time to catch Simmons before work.

Simmons was dressed except for his helmet, which was on the table next to him. He was just getting up when Grif ran in. Unfortunately, Donut was there, too, and Grif didn't want to make a big scene for Donut to gossip about.

"Are you ready to go?" Grif asked.

"Actually, I'm going to be helping Sarge today," Simmons said quickly.

"What?"

"You're going to be patrolling with Donut. Bye!" Simmons shoved his helmet down over his head and ran.

Grif sighed.

"Won't this be great?" Donut asked. "We hardly ever get to patrol together."

"Yeah. There's a reason for that."

"I know. Sarge really likes having my help around the base. But it's not fair of him to monopolize my time."

"Yeah. Sure. Whatever." Grif fixed himself a bowl of oreos, poured milk over them, and ate it like cereal.

"We are going to have so much fun today," Donut said obliviously.

Grif just tried to ignore Donut's annoying chatter.

When he was done eating, Donut grabbed his bowl and spoon and rinsed them off, talking about base cleanliness. Like Grif cared. Then the whole way out to where he and Simmons usually stood, Donut talked about celebrities. Haircuts, dresses, makeup.

Just when Grif was getting really good at tuning it all out, the bombshell dropped.

"So how come Simmons volunteered to help Sarge today?" Donut asked.

For a moment, Grif wanted to punch Donut in the face. He shrugged instead. "What makes you think this is unusual? He's a kissass."

"Usually the thing Simmons wants most in the world is to be patroling with you," Donut said.

Grif snorted. "No. He doesn't. He hates patrolling with me. I refuse to do any work."

"For as long as I've known you, it's been Grif and Simmons, Simmons and Grif," Donut said. "One of your main duties is knowing where Simmons is. I figure it's because you always do. So how come you and I are out here and Sarge and Simmons are back at the base? This way, you have no idea where he is."

"Oh, I know," Grif said, trying to end the conversation.

"You do?"

"I don't need to see him to know what he's doing," Grif said.

"What's he doing, then?"

"Pretending to help Lopez fix stuff. He hates that Lopez is more important than him, so he follows Lopez around and acts like he could do Lopez' job just as well as Lopez can."

Donut turned away and cupped a hand to his helmet. "Donut to Simmons. Donut to Simmons. Are you there? Over."

"What is it? I'm busy!" Simmons' voice came over Donut's radio.

"What're you doing?" Donut asked.

Grif pretended he wasn't listening.

"I'm helping Lopez fix the vacuum cleaner," Simmons snapped on the other end.

"Lopez needs help?" Donut asked.

"Yeah...I don't think he would know what to do without me."

Grif snorted and gave Donut a smirk underneath his helmet. Sure, Donut couldn't actually see his face, but they'd known each other long enough to read each other's body language.

"Okay. Sorry to interrupt you," Donut said. He turned his radio off and looked to Grif. "I guess you were right."

Grif shrugged. "Meh."

"That's like a magic trick," Donut said.

"Not really. Simmons is predictable." That was the worst part. Grif knew that Simmons would avoid him for at least a few days because of what they'd done, even though Simmons had enjoyed it. Started it. He should've known better, because Simmons was the most predictable guy he'd ever met.

Donut examined him. "You sound kind of sad about it."

Grif instantly sucked his feelings in. "No, I don't. You're imagining it."

Donut took that in. "Oh...things went bad between you and Simmons."

Grif turned away. "They did not 'go bad'. Also, it's none of your business."

"Come on, Grif, let me help. I read Cosmo all the time," Donut whined.

Grif glanced at him. "Okay, first of all, Cosmo is for girls. Second, my sister read Cosmo too. That's how she ended up with seven abortions."

"Well, you have to have sex to get an abortion, so something about Cosmo must've helped."

Grif turned around and threw up his hands. "Relationships are not all about sex!"

"Oh." Donut looked at him in a way he didn't particularly like. Even with the helmet on, it had a nasty tinge of comprehension. "That's a sore point for you, isn't it?"

Grif turned away and marched ahead, hoping Donut would get the hint and stop following him. "Drop it."

Donut trailed after him. "Doc is a licensed relationship counselor. He took an online course last year."

"Online schools are fake. Everyone knows that."

"Nuh-uh! This one isn't. They have a real campus on Earth and everything. It's just that he couldn't get to Earth, so he took an online course."

"I'm ignoring you now."

"Grif..."

He would have to be an idiot to answer, so he didn't.

"Grif? Grif! Please, just give Doc a chance. I know he can help. At the very least, you can vent until you feel better. He won't interrupt you or anything. He'll just listen. Grif? Grif...I know you hear me. Consider it."

Two hours later, he finally snapped. "Fucking fine! Just shut up! I swear, you're worse than Caboose!"

"Thanks, buddy." The happy little laugh in Donut's voice was the most annoying thing ever.

"God damn it," Grif muttered.

"Why don't we go to Doc's right now? You don't really want to be working, do you?"

"Don't manipulate me."

"I'm not manipulating you. I'm just pointing out the obvious. You hate work. Talking to Doc is not work. So, you ought to want to do it."

"Whatever."

They turned around and walked to Doc's house. Grif waited outside while Donut talked to his boyfriend. It took like ten minutes. Donut came back out and announced, "Okay, he'll see you now."

"Why do I get the feeling he doesn't wanna see me?" Grif asked.

Donut shook his head. "Oh, no. It's not that. It's just that usually there's a twenty dollar co-pay. I convinced him to see you for free."

"Oh. That's...that's really nice of you."

"Not really," Donut said matter-of-factly. "I know you wouldn't see him if you had to pay for it. That's too much like work."

"Good point."

"I'll wait out here," Donut said. He took up a position by the scarecrow.

Grif sighed. "I'll get this over with." He walked inside.

Doc met him just inside the door. "Please, follow me."

"I know what your house is like," Grif said. "I've been here before."

"That's not the point. This is an official appointment. A certain decorum has to be followed."

Doc led him to the living room, told him to sit anywhere, and then made sure he was comfortable. He stopped plumping pillows and lighting candles only when Grif snapped at him. Then he sat down across from the chair where Grif sat.

"Begin anywhere you like," Doc said.

"Anywhere?"

"Well, keep in mind that sessions are fifty minutes long," Doc said.

"Fifty minutes? I thought sessions were an hour. That's what I've seen on TV."

"First of all, you're not paying for my services, so I think you can cut me some slack. Secondly, sessions are fifty minutes. They're scheduled in hourly blocks so that patients have time to come and go without interrupting each other's appointments," Doc said.

"What other patients do you have?"

"That information is confidential." Doc folded his hands, giving the impression of a smile.

"You don't have any, do you?"

"Certainly. I see a lot of people."

"There are only so many people in this canyon," Grif pointed out.

"While I am sure you could figure it out if you wanted to, do you really want to spend your session compiling a list of my other patients?" Doc asked.

Grif sighed. "No...Not really."

"What do you want to talk about?"

"Simmons. I guess." Grif shifted in his seat. "I don't know. To tell you the truth, I'm not sure how this happened."

"Why don't we try to figure it out?" Doc asked gently.

Grif sighed again and slid down in his chair. "Okay...fine. I guess we'll start at the beginning."

Doc nodded encouragingly.

"My first girlfriend had a dick," Grif said. "Thanks to someone, everyone knows that." He glared at Doc for a moment, then resumed. "The part I'm not going to tell anyone – and God help me, if you tell someone, I will come back and twist your head off like a bottle cap and teabag your corpse – is that I liked it."

"I'm listening," Doc said in a soothing voice.

Grif sighed. "I didn't know she was trans when we started dating. She didn't tell me. I knew something was different about her. She was hot, like really hot, but no one was dating her. And she hadn't been dating in a while. She was nervous. When I'd take her out to places, she'd cling to me. Not to be sexy. Because she was scared. I thought at first it was because she'd had an abusive boyfriend or something. Turns out...she was just used to being harassed for not being biologically female. The way I found out was when we were undressing each other."

"Most transgendered people want to build up a relationship with someone first before coming out," Doc said.

"Yeah...that's what she said. She said she didn't tell me because she was afraid I might hurt her." Grif sighed. "How screwed up is that? I wouldn't hurt her. She was my girlfriend." Before Doc could say something, he added, "I get it. I know why she thought that way. That doesn't make it not screwed up."

"Transgendered people face a lot of challenges in the community," Doc said. "I'm sure she found your attitude refreshing."

"She thought I was going to freak out," Grif said wryly.

Doc chuckled. "You're too laidback for that."

Grif was mildly surprised Doc knew anything about him. "Yeah. You're right. Sure, I was surprised, but I didn't care. We did it anyway. And that's how I found out that..." He looked away and mumbled, "Dudes are hot." He knew Doc and Donut wouldn't disagree with him, but it still felt weird to talk about being gay. Gay-ish. Whatever he was.

"So you've known about your sexual orientation for a long time," Doc said.

"About ten years, I guess."

"Do you feel any conflict over your identity?"

Grif shrugged. "Not really. I mean, who cares? It's my business, isn't it?"

"Yes," Doc said warmly. "No one can tell you about your sexual preferences or your sexual orientation except you. It's your body."

"I'd drag you to the base right now and have you tell that to Simmons, but I don't think that would work," Grif said.

"Private Simmons is conflicted over his sexual identity?" Doc asked.

Grif rolled his eyes inside his helmet. "You have no idea. He had the worst parents in the history of ever. I don't think they ever said anything positive to him about himself. At least mine weren't there to pass judgment one way or another. His stuck around long enough to beat into him that he was a piece of crap. It's disgusting." He thought for a moment. "No, wait. I take it back. His mom told him it was a good thing to be a nerd. She at least tried to undo the things his dad said to him."

"Simmons' father disliked his interest in science fiction and math?" Doc asked.

"He's going to get really mad at me if I keep talking," Grif said. "You want to know so bad? Ask him."

"I apologize for overstepping any boundaries," Doc said.

"Whatever."

"Donut said that you needed my help because of something sexual," Doc said.

"If you're coming onto me -"

"Not at all. Donut's suggestion was that someone in your past may have broken up with you over the issue of sex. Either the frequency you had sex, or a performance issue."

Grif folded his arms over his chest. "She broke up with me because my sister wouldn't stop harassing her."

"I'm sorry to hear that," Doc said.

Grif glared at him. "What difference does it make? I got shipped to outer space. It's not like she'd still be waiting for me. It's been years. I know the whole future thing was just some bullshit test, but it's still been like eight years. Even if my sister could've controlled herself, Yumi would be long gone."

"What brought Yumi to mind after all these years?" Doc asked.

Grif flopped back in the chair and sighed. "I'm attracted to people who're screwed up. I dated people after Yumi, but that was just to fill a void. The first person I've been attracted to since her is Simmons. And I don't think anyone could get more screwed up than Simmons. Really, it should be Simmons sitting here and talking to you."

"Maybe if things don't work out with you and Simmons you could date Agent Washington," Doc suggested brightly.

Grif stared at him. "What the fuck am I doing sitting here and talking to you anyway? You can't help. All you can do is say retarded things like, 'Maybe you'll fall for Wash'. What the fuck, Doc?"

"It's just a suggestion," Doc said. "You should keep your options open."

"You know what? I'm leaving."

"Are you sure? You have almost half an hour left."

"I don't care. It's not worth it." Grif got up and stomped out of the house. He slammed the front door behind him.

"Where are you going?" Donut asked, startled.

"Back to the base."

"Why? You have twenty-eight minutes left. Doc promised me he would give you fifty minutes."

"Leave me alone."

Donut stopped following him. "Oh...okay."

Grif didn't know whether to feel relieved or guilty.