Chapter Seven
I tightened the straps of my gear as I prepared for the day's training. It was approaching summer now, and the sun was shining brightly on the dirt training ground even though it was still chilly at this hour. Four young soldiers, in varying states of nervousness and uncertainty, watched me closely, waiting for orders.
I had been attempting to dismiss the insecurity of not knowing how important I was to Erwin, because it didn't seem to help anything. And it wasn't like me. Besides, the idea that I finally had something over Erwin, even if it were a small thing, made me feel a little giddy. But soon, I would run out of room to consider anything that didn't involve titan-killing. The Survey Corps would soon leave the walls on its 56th mission to explore titan territory and observe them. And for the first time, my role would be tactically important. Erwin said that meant I could choose an elite squad to work closely with me. And though this came as a surprise even to myself, I already knew who I wanted.
There were four soldiers who had impressed me in previous missions and training, though for different reasons. Gunter Schultz was skilled at 3DMG and, more importantly, he was a critical thinker, always honest and direct, even to superiors. Oluo Bozard was probably the best flier in the Survey Corps who wasn't already an officer. It was obvious why he wasn't – because he had a mouth on him, which I didn't hate either. Petra Ral was an obvious choice, not only her titan kill and assist count but for her resilience and psychological strength, ability to make correct decisions and even stay positive despite the worst circumstances. And – again excluding officers – the person I had the most trust in both in terms of skill and judgement, Eld Jinn. All four of them had proven to be incredibly brave, even among the Survey Corps. Erwin agreed to my choices, and then told me to start training with them separately.
Of the four of them, only Eld seemed at all relaxed to have been chosen and to be standing before me like this. As for me, I still didn't quite know what the fuck I was doing. But I figured we might as well get started.
"I know you can all kill titans," I said, causing most of them to tense up, since I hadn't spoken for about a minute and a half. "How well do you all know each other?"
The four glanced around each other with uncertainty, and it was a long time before anyone had an answer. My temper continued to grow worse as they kept me waiting.
At length, Gunter coughed and offered a half shrug. "I would say, not too well. Eating dinner together once in a while, that's about it."
"For some of us, that's more than enough," Oluo drawled, pointedly looking away from the others.
Petra's eye twitched. "As if you're the one who doesn't want to hang out with us, you arrogant loafer."
"Are you flirting with me, Petra?"
"I'd sooner get kicked by a horse."
Eld watched the others for a time and then met my gaze. He simply shook his head.
I narrowed my eyes at each of them in irritation. "That's not good enough. To start, we're all going to run formation drills while the sun is up. Every day. For as long as we have to. You should be able to look at each other's faces and predict each other's next action to some extent."
"Sir…" Gunter murmured in disbelief. "Even most of the squad leaders, people who've known each other for years, can't do that…"
"You're not squad leaders," I told him, flatly. "In a way, what I need you to do is even more difficult than that." Gunter looked apprehensive, but I saw admiration shining in the eyes of Petra and Oluo. "Erwin has big ideas for the function of this squad. You don't have to worry about tactics or making big decisions in the field, you can leave that to me. Your only concern is becoming the most elite, mobile and efficient team of titan-killers in the human race. Your strengths as a team will be far greater than any individual, even me. I chose each of you because I thought you could do that. Was I wrong?"
I seemed to have stumped them for a moment, as they all gazed at me with mouths hanging open. But then, one by one beginning with Eld, each of them saluted, their fist over their chest. "No, sir!" they each replied firmly.
I nodded. "One more thing. For whatever reason, Erwin wants the five of us to be able to communicate silently. So tonight we're all going to learn some basic hand signals. In the meantime, let's get up in the air."
"Yes, sir!"
We did indeed practice that day until the fading light made it too dangerous to continue. And despite my optimistic words, it was definitely a frustrating experience on that first day working closely together.
Eld – and this was news to me – had an absent-minded side to his personality. He had a tendency to become lost in thought sometimes when there was no imminent danger, and he frequently missed subtle cues by not making adequate eye contact, or was surprised to be given new orders and slowed down or stopped to consider them. Petra was good at reading others' faces but concentrating so hard was distracting her from flying and slowing her own reaction time, so she had a couple of close calls with tree branches. And Gunter and Oluo couldn't seem to fly and read facial expressions at the same time. On top of which Oluo kept getting into arguments with Petra, which by itself nearly caused several accidents.
I have to admit, rather embarrassingly, that I wasn't much better. At these kind of low speeds without any danger, I found I could watch others' faces without losing track of what I was doing. But my instincts about what those facial expressions meant did not have a high accuracy rate. So once or twice I nearly plowed straight into someone, saved only by my body's instinctive reactions. This did not bode well.
We all dragged ourselves to the mess hall for dinner that evening and reluctantly started learning the hand signals Erwin had taught me, even though personally I was not feeling good about this. And that was basically the pattern for the next couple of weeks.
But I was apparently the only one who doubted our capability as a group. To my pleasant surprise, after a shaky start, these four quickly started trading nervous tension for mild dislike. But that was what I wanted. From that dislike came familiarity and trust. We would be much more like a slightly dysfunctional family than a gang of buddies. In fact, the more we liked one another, the more attached we would grow. And the more attached, the worse the inevitable loss would become; the more likely we would be to become paralyzed by grief into inaction at a crucial moment. Sadly, I didn't seem to make any of them totally dislike me, despite my best efforts. Eld and Petra in particular I caught watching me with misty eyes when they thought I wasn't looking.
Still, it was a while before I had any spare time or energy to see Erwin. On a rare occasion when formation and hand signal practice had both gone better than expected, it seemed I had a free evening. I decided it had been too long since I'd seen him. I went to his office and as usual entered without knocking. And met a pair of eyes I had never seen before in my life.
Behind Erwin's desk, a nobleman stood, staring at me. As if I was the intruder here. Pretty for a man, tall and on the willowy side but still slightly plump in his cheeks, with long, wavy black hair half tied up at the back and half hanging loose about his shoulders, and finer clothes than I had ever seen in my life. He only showed a moment of slight surprise before raising a condescending brow.
"Oh," he said with interest. He gracefully stepped around to the front of Erwin's desk and rested his hands back on it as he appraised me. "I didn't know soldiers were allowed to swan in to see their commander unannounced," he said in a tone that said he found it amusing.
I stared back at him for some time. But, unable to think of a more appropriate thing to say, I simply responded, "…the fuck are you?"
He raised his eyebrows in an instant of total disbelief, as if I had sprouted feathers. He apparently wasn't used to hearing cursing. "Ah. Of course," he said to himself after an instant to recover his dignity, a hint of a smile curling his lip. "You must be Levi."
I narrowed my eyes. "Says who?"
But instead of answering, he merely tilted his head a little and his smile widened into one of almost pity. "What a pleasure it is, Captain Ackerman. I've heard so much."
"I haven't heard shit about you," I answered glibly.
He gained a smirk even as his eyebrows raised with incredulity. "Yes. How charming. Erwin told me about your colorful way of speaking. Tell me, does everyone in the Underground talk like you?"
I knew an attempt to bait when I heard one. Of course, it didn't make it any easier to shake off old wounds about being treated differently because where and how I was born. Nor did I fail to notice that he had referred to Erwin casually by his first name. "Where is Erwin?" I asked simply.
"At the moment? I think he's right behind you."
I flinched and turned. Erwin had indeed walked up behind me, holding a record book of some kind which he'd apparently been out to get, and blinked in surprise at my presence. "Levi…this is a surprise." He closed the door behind him as he frowned with concern at me. "Is something wrong? Forgive me for a moment, Damian," Erwin added to the nobleman.
Damian merely pushed up his narrow shoulders in an elegant, magnanimous shrug, still maintaining his soft, deceptive smile.
I watched the nobleman stand there like the cat that got the canary while contemplating what this situation meant. Once again, it felt like I was the one intruding. But on what? Who was this person to Erwin? While my first thought was that he was some sort of ally among the pigs that Erwin was trying to win over, that scenario didn't eliminate the possibility that this was one of Erwin's rumored lovers in the interior. His smile certainly said that whatever their relationship was, it was superior to whatever mine and Erwin's was. Which was what again?
"Levi?" Erwin asked, after my protracted silence.
It didn't seem like staying here would get me anything. And I didn't want to give this manicured pig the satisfaction of lowering myself to demand Erwin's time or attention. I glanced up at Erwin with an attempt at an utterly blank facial expression.
"Just reporting in. Things are going well with my squad. Mistakes are getting down to almost zero, but we'll keep working until it's there."
"Excellent," Erwin said, indeed looking pleased, if still a little surprised. "Of course I knew you could handle the task, but I'm glad your team is meeting our expectations as well."
"Yep," I said, and turned back toward the door. "See you later."
"Uh…Levi…was that all?" Erwin started to ask, but I had already hooked my foot in the door lip and yanked it closed behind me as I left.
I unconsciously clenched my fists for a few moments after I left, but then took a breath. I released them and attempted to let that feeling go. There was no use getting possessive about a man who sold his body to further his goals. It would be best to forget whatever it was that I had just intruded on.
It was dinner time now, but I wasn't in a mood to go in with a bunch of sweaty brats. Instead, on the way to the mess hall I took a detour to fill my canteen at the water pump first. Unfortunately, like a bad penny, Mike turned up as he was wont to do whenever I least wanted to see him.
He approached the water pump as I had just started filling my canteen and leaned on a nearby pillar to stare at me. I flicked a glare up at him. "What?" I demanded.
He brandished an empty flask.
I sighed. "I'll go."
"No hurry," he said, glancing aside and sounding unusually uncombative.
I raised an eyebrow. But if he wasn't here for a fight, then I might as well finish filling my canteen. I did so silently as Mike continued to stand there, watching me, little noise around us but the flow of water and the sound of a few people chatting nearby as they went to the mess hall.
"I heard your team is looking good," Mike said.
I flinched, staring up at him with a frown of befuddlement. "Well this is a bad omen. What's wrong with you?"
Mike sniffed, looking mildly annoyed. "I'm not always out to get you, you know."
"Meaning you mostly are."
Mike shifted his jaw, still looking rather unlike himself. He seemed like he was holding back from saying something, which was even more unlike him, so I just kept staring at him in bemusement until he finally spit it out. "You just came from Erwin's office?" he muttered.
"Yeah," I muttered, still not appreciating him intruding on my business. I stepped back from the pump and took a drink from my flask before screwing the cap back on. "We haven't fucked today, if that's what you're curious about."
Mike froze for a moment with anger but sighed, apparently not in the mood to take up that fight. The big dog bent down to fill his own as he searched for words. This was all too weird. What was he hesitating about?
"The guy that's in there right now," Mike muttered softly, as if someone might be listening. But there was no one near. "He introduce himself?"
My brows drew tight together. "No," I muttered suspiciously. "But Erwin said his name. 'Damian'."
Mike nodded, though his expression soured. "Lord Damian Nassau von Hadamar, that's his actual name. Erwin's the only one he gives permission to use his first name, from what I've heard."
"Okay. So what?" I asked, surprised enough by this change of attitude in him that I decided to bite.
Mike scowled, straightening to screw the cap back on his flask. "Well. He's a close relative of the former royal family. Which means of course he's also related to the queen. One of the few who didn't lose any power or status during the coup."
"Yeah? He sounds like a pretty typical pig. Why get your hackles up over it?"
"Because he's not a pig. And there's nothing 'typical' about that reptile, whatever he is," Mike answered immediately. Disdain for the nobility was one thing we had in common after all, so I had no reason to doubt this assessment. "Did you notice? He's got a similar feeling to Erwin, don't you think?"
I thought back on our interaction. I realized that while he had attempted to bait me, he'd given me almost no information. And though I obviously wasn't the best at reading facial expressions, his had revealed absolutely nothing to me. Though he had seemed to show amusement, it was the same kind Erwin sometimes showed, and that was notoriously unreliable. And behind that amusement, conspicuous nothing. In retrospect is was almost frightening.
"So?" I asked, though I was pretty sure I knew where he was going.
"So Erwin's confidence, and his success, is all based around one fact: having no intellectual equal inside these walls."
"What about Hange?"
Mike rolled his eyes. "…arguably smarter but insane. And far less devious, which is the whole point. Well, what if Erwin not only had an equal, but someone clever enough to keep that fact from even him?"
I mulled this over as Survey Corps started crowding into the mess hall behind us. "Hm," I muttered. "Well what if he did?"
"Think a little bit for yourself, booty call," Mike growled, obviously losing patience with me. I had to blink a little at being referred to that way. "Erwin makes his way through life using people in such a way few realize what he's doing. So if a nobleman does the same thing to him, who knows what it could mean for us? The point is, of all the tail Erwin gets through, he's the one I hate most."
"Aw," I said, tilting my head as if looking at a cute puppy. "That's almost sweet. Thanks, Fido."
Mike shuddered from head to toe. "I said 'hate the most', don't read into it. And anyway, that means I only hate you less because you're stupid. Look, just watch out for him, all right?" He left, shaking his head and muttering, "You try to do a good deed and look where it gets you."
In spite of taking any opportunity to put Mike off, I kept his warning in mind. Not that I needed any other reason to resent Erwin's other lovers. At the same time, I assumed I was unlikely to see him again. Apart from Erwin, we didn't exactly run with similar crowds.
Nevertheless, I was still pretty sexually frustrated and wanted to be with Erwin, so the next day as we again finished training on a good note, I visited his office again. But this time, rather than finding Erwin – or his pig friend – I found it empty. It was not like Erwin to stop working so early. More importantly, it was annoying. I asked around and found a few people who said they'd seen him walking down by the river. What the fuck was he doing down there?
Motivated primarily out of annoyance, I walked through the merchant area of town to get to the nearest bank. It took another ten minutes or so of walking before I spotted his huge blond head. He was sitting on the opposite bank, another figure stretched out beside him. I stopped walking as I realized who it was. But that wasn't what put a chill through my whole body.
Erwin was sitting in an unusually relaxed posture for him, leaning part of his weight on one hand behind him and watching the person beside him with a warm smile. That person, I should not have been surprised to find, was the poncy young Lord von Hadamar. The young lord was mostly lying down, propped up on his elbows and now and then playfully stretching out one leg or the other. They talked for a time and then to my surprise, Erwin burst into laughter. Damian eventually laughed too and lightly pushed Erwin with his foot. I'd never seen Erwin like this. I can't describe the cold feeling that ran through my body as I watched, and at first I didn't even know why I felt that way.
Without waiting to see more, I turned and made my way back to the base. It slowly occurred to me along the way why that was so upsetting. In all ways, what I'd just seen had exceeded my worst fears about Erwin's possible feelings for me. It was making my extremities itch with an odd blend of anger and pain. What had concerned me before, Erwin's inability to love anyone, inability to love a man or lack of interest in sex, were blown away by deeper problems I hadn't considered before. What if he were perfectly capable of loving, and loving a man, and were perfectly satisfied by me in bed, but simply didn't feel that way about me? If the problem were not any of the obvious obstacles between us, but rather the most basic aspects of my personality?
Mike's words echoed back at me as I confirmed in my mind that I was everything that Lord von Hadamar was not. Where he was soft and pleasant, I was harsh and rough. Where he was cultured (and, I had a feeling, experienced), I was trash (and had rarely even been interested in sex before I met Erwin). Where he was pretty and well-proportioned, I was little, hard-bodied and had been told I had an ever-present scowl. And worst of all, this Damian was apparently Erwin's intellectual equal. While I couldn't think of one time I'd ever made him laugh openly.
So once again I had come to this crossroads. Apart from some physical pleasure once in a while, there didn't seem to be any benefit to me continuing to pursue Erwin's affection. After seeing them together like that, I lost all hope that I could ever inspire Erwin that way. A high-flying bird like him didn't have much use for a low and dark creature like me.
I stopped seeking Erwin out. And at first that just meant a few lonely nights for me, but then it seemed that Erwin began to notice my absence. I noticed him staring at me a couple of times during larger training sessions and meals. Finally, he called out to me after I had left the mess hall after dinner one evening.
"Levi," I heard him call from a distance behind me.
I didn't turn and kept walking.
"Levi," he called again, but I still didn't respond. Finally, he jogged up behind me and his tone sharpened a little. "Levi!" he said as he came up behind, too close to pretend I hadn't heard him. "Did you hear me? Where are you going?"
"Nowhere. I'm off duty so I'm going back to my room." I turned away from him and kept walking.
"Stop!"
He grabbed my hand and pulled me to a halt. I flicked a glare back up at him, not liking to be forced to do anything. But he looked down at me with confusion.
"Levi are you avoiding me?"
"No."
"Really?"
Though normally not confident in my ability to best Erwin in strength, my anger helped me yank my hand away from him with such force it hurt. He gazed at me in disbelief as I examined the red marks his nails had just made around my wrist, though unintentionally.
"What's to avoid?" I muttered, ignoring his shock. "I don't have any business with you, so why would I seek you out? I haven't been neglecting my duties, have I?"
"You know that's not what I mean," Erwin replied in a dark undertone. I shivered. "You're not busy with your squad anymore, but it's been weeks since we met. Why don't you come to my room?"
I raised an eyebrow at him. "Because I don't feel like it. Is it that big an inconvenience to you? Are you so desperate to have rough sex?"
Erwin recoiled, anger clouding over his expression unexpectedly. Was he offended by that? "Don't be vulgar," he muttered, and I noticed his gaze flick toward a couple of subordinates passing nearby.
Pain flickered through my chest at those words. "Mm," I murmured, looking away and wishing this would be over quickly. "I guess you'd like me better if I weren't vulgar, huh?"
"What are you talking about, Levi?" Erwin demanded, again looking angry.
"That is too bad. But maybe I don't like not being liked for that reason." I started to walk away again and as I did said over my shoulder, "Talk to me if I'm shirking my duties."
I heard him take a breath as if to object, but he stopped himself. I didn't venture to wonder how he felt about being rejected by me, but I didn't entertain any hopes that he might miss me. I returned to my room. As I closed the door behind me, it felt like closing the door on this stupid love I'd briefly entertained. And that, well…that felt like shit.
