AN: Warning - The last few scenes of this interlude go past the timeline we have reached in the main story from Naomi's POV. However we will rewind back to where we left off with Naomi in chapter five in the next (and final) chapter and some of the parts that happen here will arise again in order with the events that take place in her final chapter.
Emily's Interlude #2: Time Lapse Lifeline //Seven years combined is just the flicker of a neon sign. Little negative of hopes refined.\\
It's a lot like being sucked in.
It's the only way Emily can think to describe it.
She reacts on instinct, goes to Naomi willingly when she feels herself being drawn towards her. She can't stop it, can't control the way her heart, body, soul and mind seem desperately aching to reconnect with Naomi's.
It makes Emily think of magnets, how they come together without restraint, eager to stay attached. But it doesn't make sense, one negatively charged magnet and one positively charged magnet make a pair, but two of the same only act to repel against each other, pushing each other away, never fully touching, never fully connecting.
She ponders the idea then; of what pole she would be, positive or negative. It seems fairly obvious when she thinks of Katie, who will always be the negative in their relationship. She must be the positive, because despite all of their arguments and desire to pull away from each other they never really can, they're a pair. Katie's the dark while she's light; the perfect match.
Rachel calls for her to come to bed, but her feet don't move on command like they should. Instead she lets herself consider what Rachel is in this magnet scenario. Positive, Emily thinks after a second, knows that Rachel is always optimistic, always hopeful, always believing, never wanting to give up on anything; she's definitely a positive.
It only occurs to Emily as she makes her way up the stairs that she and Rachel are both positive in a world where that equation doesn't really match up.
Resist, Emily thinks as she slides into her side of the bed and watches Rachel turn out the light. Closes her eyes and let's herself think of briefly of Naomi.
If she's positive then Naomi is definitely--
Oh, Emily thinks as Rachel snuggles in closer to her, sliding an arm possessively around her waist that feels entirely too restricting, opposites attract.
-----
It happens the moment that she sees them interact together at the zoo.
Emily feels her chest constricting pleasantly as her heart bursts with something akin to pride while she watches Bricker's little hand wrapped securely in Naomi's own, Naomi pointing out the animals to Bricker as they walk around and each time imitating the animal in a goofy way that makes Bricker giggle beautifully, his face lighting up with a fond smile whenever Naomi reaches out for him.
Afterwards Naomi will always turn to her, smile softly in a way that has never not made Emily's stomach flutter, and teasingly say something along the lines of, "Get over here and join in Em". And just like that she's pulled in from being an observer to taking part in a life that feels far too much like a dream to be real.
But then the back of Naomi's hand will brush against her own while they walk, and it's shocking at first, that reminder that she isn't seventeen, day-dreaming on her bed about the life she and Naomi could someday share together. It's a knock back to reality, to see Naomi with Bricker, looking over him with so much love that Emily can hardly believe that the woman standing in front of her is the same girl she fell blindly in love with.
Only this time her eyes are open, and they're not seventeen anymore. Everything's different and yet the same; she's falling and doesn't want to ever stop.
-----
Her lungs ache with every breath she takes, the air thick with something entirely intoxicating as she watches Naomi delicately place Bricker into his bed, wrapping the sheets around him carefully and brushing a loving kiss across his forehead.
Naomi moves to stand beside her and doesn't say a word as she watches Bricker sleep with a beautifully fond smile tugging at the corners of her lips. It takes Emily back to that old couple, still together, still looking at each other in a way that spoke of their years of devoted love for one another.
She can't help bringing them up as her memory of their afternoon fills her mind. She isn't really aware of anything that she's saying until Naomi turns her head towards her and their eyes meet. Emily stops breathing then, sees Naomi's eyes drop to her lips and feels herself edging closer without warning, leaning in towards Naomi without control.
It makes her eyes feel heavy, her body overpowered by the haze that captures her completely as Naomi's lips come closer to her own at a pace that is achingly slow, but a second before they touch, Effy's voice bellows loudly, bouncing off the walls around them and making her snap her body away from Naomi's like it hurts her to be so close.
It's shocking then, the way that her heart beats rapidly, the way that she has to look away from Naomi in fear of being sucked in by whatever spell is still lingering between them. The guilt washes over her quickly, leaves Emily feeling so sick that the only thing she can think to do is flee the scene all together.
This isn't happening to me, Emily thinks as she scrambles unsteadily back into her car, it can't be.
-----
She kisses Rachel fiercely the moment she sets foot into their house; presses her up against the kitchen counter and muffles Rachel's surprise with hungry lips and forceful hands. Rachel doesn't protest, just sinks into her and lets Emily kiss her, responding only to tangle her hands into Emily's hair as she gently walks them backwards towards the stairs.
When they reach their room, Emily doesn't waste time stripping Rachel from her clothes and pressing her to the bed, her lips hot on Rachel's neck and fingers pressed within her as she fights to reset the unbalance that her day with Naomi has brought between them.
Rachel cries out her name when she comes and Emily almost feels like she's done it, she's put things back the way they're supposed to be, made Rachel her equivalent; the equilibrium of her world set right once again.
But then Rachel rolls them over, settles Emily against the mattress and works down her body so slowly that it forces Emily to squeeze her eyes tightly shut. It should be out of pleasure when her knuckles turn white from the grip she has on the sheets but instead she's overcome by unbearable pain; bites down hard on her lip to stop herself from crying when her mind refuses to shut off.
Emily knows it isn't right, when she comes, letting out a shuddering breath instead of Rachel's name, and of being disappointed when she reopens her eyes to find green staring back at her instead of the blue she'd hoped for.
-----
She doesn't make her presence known when she arrives, manages to sneak in unseen and just watches for a long time. It's soothing, watching JJ interacting with Bricker, to see that bright smile on JJ's face reflected on the little boy in front of him, it makes everything feel simpler, less terrifying that something so tangled can be unwoven and carefully put straight.
JJ catches sight of her after awhile and waves a little tentatively as he takes in the look on her face. He bobs down and whispers something to Bricker, pointing his finger towards a group of boys playing with some Lego and watches until Bricker has joined in with them before making his way over to Emily.
He doesn't say anything when he sits down next to her, just studies her face and waits for Emily to start talking. It's how their friendship has always worked, he doesn't know how to push her for answers and she doesn't give them until she's ready.
"Do you think you'll ever want that?" Emily asks, turning her attention away from the children playing and finally meeting JJ's eyes.
JJ looks flustered by her sudden question, his eyes blinking rapidly. "Want what?"
Emily runs her fingers through her hair and shrugs her shoulders, her head nodding in Bricker's direction. "A family? Children?"
"Well it is the normal desire for most species to want to mate and breed because--"
"Jay..." Emily says his name softly, placing her hand on his arm and giving him a small smile.
JJ swallows and looks pensive for a long moment before he finally says, "Despite all of that, I haven't ever really considered it because it's something that a person should only think about when they're in a committed relationship, which I haven't ever really been in... and well, you really should have a steady lifestyle and the financial ability if you're going to bring a child into the world."
"What about Effy? You two are getting serious, aren't you?"
"Yes, well." JJ looks bashful then, a small flush colouring his cheeks. "She already has Bricker doesn't she? And Naomi is there to provide additional support regardless of not being Bricker's other biological parent."
Emily lets out a shaky breath and tries to ignore the headache that's setting in. "But if things changed, if Naomi wasn't there, if she was with-- somebody else, would you like that? To spend more time with Effy and Bricker?"
JJ looks confused as to where this conversation is going, picks up on the change in the pitch of Emily's tone and says, "In that case, yes, I think I would like that, very much." He follows Emily's eye line and let's himself watch the children with her for a few seconds before continuing, "What about you Emily, would you like children?"
Emily doesn't want to think about it, doesn't know why she's even asking, but it's all been too much.
Too much with Rachel and too much of Naomi; her head feels overcome by how much she feels for both of them. And she hates that in some ways it's still not enough; that there's never enough of her to go around, to give everyone- Katie, Rachel, Naomi, her parents- a piece of herself.
She turns her gaze back over to JJ, her voice unexpectedly quiet when she finally says, "With the right person I would. I mean, a child has to come from a home of love, y'know? It can't just happen because two people selfishly think they can do it; they have to actually become parents, make it work out of unconditional love and trust for one another as well as the baby they bring into the world. It's a lot."
JJ nods his head slowly at her answer and looks about as concerned as he ever does when he finally asks, "Do you think that you and Rachel will ever have children?"
Emily looks away from him then, doesn't know how to answer, what the right answer even is, and she doesn't understand how she's gone from feeling like her life was planned out for her, to feeling so utterly lost again.
Bricker appears in front of them a second later, holding out a Lego brick for JJ and Emily feels thankful that he's stopped her from having to answer. "Come play Jay, we can build a house."
JJ smiles back at him. "That sounds like a good idea." He touches Bricker's shoulder and then points at Emily. "Aren't you going to be polite and say hello to Emily?"
Bricker shuffles on his feet, his eyes looking over in her direction but not meeting her own for a few long seconds, but then he smiles when she does and says, "Hey Emlee, you come and play too?"
Emily smiles back at him and stands along with JJ when she replies, "I'd love too," and lets Bricker take her hand and lead her over to the piles of Lego.
And then it doesn't matter, none of it does, not for the next few minutes when all that's important is what colour bricks they use for the house and Emily relishes in Bricker's offer to unknowingly grant her an momentary escape.
-----
It's bloody ridiculous how much seeing Naomi with another woman makes her feel like she's suffocating; her lungs are burning so much that it physically hurts Emily to breathe.
She doesn't know why she does it either, acts like a rude, snotty twat and come across as a complete dick to the girl Naomi has brought along with her, just knows that her vision blurs to red and she can't shake it away even for a second.
She stops breathing all together when they finally get outside of the stifling restaurant, her efforts to use Rachel as a shield backfiring completely when Naomi pulls Melanie into her body and kisses her deeply and openly enough for Emily to see.
And then Naomi pulls back and catches her eye, throws a smirk at her that causes more damage than Emily can remembering suffering for a long time and wills herself not to give Naomi back the power to make her cry as she averts her gaze.
-----
She latches onto Rachel as soon as they get home and kisses her forcefully in a way that she knows will leave their lips bruised for days. Emily doesn't worry what it means when Rachel just goes along with her, lets Emily fuck her wild and hard up against the wall of their hallway.
They invade her head, flashes of Naomi with Melanie, and it's so agonizing that all Emily can think to do is sink her teeth into the skin of Rachel's shoulder and hiss out in pain as Rachel's comes, clawing her fingers down the flesh of Emily's back; deep enough to draw blood and mark her.
Emily studies them in the mirror later that night - once Rachel's fallen asleep, sweaty and exhausted and tangled up in their bed - sees the deep red marks etched into her skin and hopes that seeing them every time she undresses for the next few days will keep her grounded, keep her here, where she's meant to be and not treading dangerously across that line that continues to blur and waver inside of her mind of what's right and wrong.
-----
She does well for the most part, doesn't let herself think about Naomi (doesn't acknowledge that it takes effort not to) and focuses instead on the way her life with Rachel was before they ever moved to London; easier, less complicated, safe.
"Effy's taking Bricker back home to see her mum this week," JJ tells her over the phone one evening.
Emily knows she shouldn't ask, but she does anyway. "I suppose Naomi's going with them, then?"
She hears ruffling on the phone and JJ's usual muttering about something entirely unrelated before he replies, "No, actually. Effy wanted to go and do this on her own. I believe her relationship with her mother is still as complicated as it was when we were adolescents."
"Oh. So she's home alone then?" Emily curses herself the moment the words leave her mouth, and feels her resolve crumbling as soon as JJ replies with a simple "Yes."
She scrolls through her phone the moment she hangs up with JJ and lets her finger hover over the option to call Naomi, but she can't quite do it. She doesn't know what to say when the last time they saw each other they'd almost-- and then she'd avoided Naomi for days. There was no way that Naomi wouldn't know what she'd been doing by trying to put some space between them, but they couldn't keep doing this, couldn't keep living with the obvious awkwardness that sometimes settled over them. They had to find a way to deal with it, and maybe forgetting about it, acting like none of it had happened, that they were just friends would work.
Emily decides on a text, thinks that it's safer somehow, that she can delete the evidence from her outbox and pretend she never tried contacting Naomi if she doesn't receive a reply.
-----
Naomi's reply is equally as casual, friendly without a hint of why they haven't spoken for days hidden behind her words and Emily finds herself at Naomi's house armed with bottles of wine before she can ever think further about their problems.
It goes well for the most part, they drink, they talk, they laugh, and Emily is almost surprised that she's let herself forget just how much she enjoys spending time with Naomi when everything is relaxed and uncomplicated.
But then Naomi mentions the MDMA brownies, and it's like a snowball effect, the way Naomi has pushed that first domino down and all they can do is watch as the rest of them go down in turn. The air between them changes so quickly into something thick that makes it even harder for Emily in her hazy state to think rationally about the way things are progressing.
One minute Naomi's fingers are on her neck and the next thing Emily becomes aware of is Naomi's mouth pressing against her own. It acts like a jolt, sends her reeling backwards and away from Naomi as quickly as she can, realisation of what she's let happen between them slapping Emily hard in the face.
And so she does the only thing she can think of, runs.
-----
Emily doesn't head home, doesn't know how she could possibly face Rachel after letting Naomi's lips press against hers. It isn't right and it most certainly isn't fair and-- she hates herself for not being able to think of anything other than how good it had felt to have Naomi touch her, to kiss her again.
She drives around for almost an hour, sorting it all out in her head and telling herself what is right and what is wrong and before she knows it she's back outside Naomi's house, banging impatiently on the door and feeling like she could almost burst from the anger she can feel seeping out of her skin.
She starts off strong, manages to believe in herself and the words she's saying but then Naomi looks at her in a way that's totally open and so obviously pained that it breaks Emily in a second, leaves her ending her argument begging Naomi with a pathetic 'please' and somehow, even as the words fall from her mouth Emily isn't sure if the please is really to ask Naomi to stop or whether she's begging her not to.
It only gets worse when Naomi gets close enough to touch Emily's face and says those three words that Emily yearned for Naomi to truly mean every single day that they were together. And it surprises Emily just how much it hurts to hear Naomi finally say it, to finally mean it, so much so that she can't help but sob through the overwhelming relief she feels that she hasn't always been alone in this all these years, that Naomi has been there too, has been struggling to contain it just as much as she has.
Love, it's the last word Emily's conscious of as she pulls Naomi closer and kisses her back.
-----
Emily doesn't think then, she can't if she's to have this.
She takes as much as Naomi as she can and finds herself drowning when Naomi lets her, offers up more of herself than Emily can ever remember her doing before, and it's beautiful then, watching Naomi so free and willing beneath her hands and mouth, and hearing Naomi moaning out her name as she comes before pulling Emily in for a kiss that's so deep and so loving that Emily feels completely dizzy; intoxicated on Naomi alone.
And then Naomi touches her and it's so strikingly different to all of the other times that Naomi's touched her that Emily almost can't breathe. Naomi's so gentle, so tentative in exploring every inch of her body like she's never seen it before that Emily can't help but squeeze her eyes tightly shut, it feels too much, so much with the way Naomi's eyes are burning into her skin; unravelling Emily more with every second longer that she doesn't look away.
It's when Naomi whispers her name and caresses her face, her own eyes flooded with tears and says so gently, so honesty, "It's okay, I promise." that Emily lets herself break under Naomi's loving command.
-----
Naomi holds her when she cries, tries to soothe her with words of comfort, of promises that Emily can't think about let alone comprehend when all she feels is a sense of helplessness; a need for answers that won't change anything now but still answers she's craved all these years.
Naomi keeps saying she's sorry as if that alone can erase the time they've wasted and holds Emily closer, kisses her again as if to prove it, and Emily lets her, kisses back with wild intensity, wants Naomi to show her just how much she loves her again and again until it's all Emily's sure of in the world and nothing else matters.
-----
It's waking up and hearing Rachel's voice on the phone that immediately infects Emily with guilt so powerful that she can't bear to look Naomi in the eye. She knows it was wrong to have been so selfish and let herself fall into the moment with Naomi but knows there's also no way she could have stopped it. It's how things were between them, always.
She just hopes she can put a stop to it now before she causes anymore damage and hurt to the two women she loves.
-----
Rachel smiles up at her from her place on the sofa when Emily walks into the house, puts down the file she's reading and slips her glasses off of her nose and says, "You look like you had a rough night. Come sit down, darling, I'll fetch you some tablets for that killer hangover I'm sure you have."
Emily can only nod her head mutely in response and has to bite down hard on her tongue to stop the onslaught of tears she can feel building in her eyes, knows there's nothing she can do or say to ever take back what she's done.
"Here, take these," Rachel says handing out a glass of water and the tablets and smiles fondly as Emily weakly swallows them down. "Aw sweetheart, you look awful." She reaches out a hand and brushes the hair away from Emily's face before continuing, "You guys really out did yourselves, huh?"
Emily swallows down the lump that forms in her head and squeezes her eyes shut when her vision fills with memories of Naomi, panting and whimpering beneath her. She feels Rachel sigh as she takes the glass from Emily's hand and a moment later Rachel's resumed her position on the couch and is pulling Emily in to sit between her legs; Emily's back pressed to her chest as she wraps her arms tightly around Emily's waist and presses a soft kiss to the top of her shoulder.
Emily lets out a shaky breath and tries not to tense in Rachel's arms as she fails to shut out the images of Naomi, and tries not to think how she's now tainted every caress and every kiss that Rachel will ever give her.
Lets the silence swallow her whole and hopes Rachel won't say anything that will cause her to crack and reveal her wrongdoings.
-----
Emily closes her eyes, focuses on keeping her breathing steady and doesn't move an inch when she feels Rachel carefully slip into bed next to her, knows her mission of faking to be asleep has passed with flying colours when she hears Rachel breathing evenly beside her a few moments later.
It's only then, when she's sure that she won't have to face looking into Rachel's caring green eyes that Emily shifts over enough to lie on her side and watch Rachel sleep; takes in the way her face is illuminated beautifully by the sliver of moonlight creeping in through the curtains and can no longer hold back her guilt-ridden tears.
She sobs quietly, muffling the sound into her pillow as she watches Rachel sleeping and reaches out gently to run her fingertips through Rachel's silky brown hair, feels Rachel nuzzle into her touch and hates how unaware she's made Rachel of just how fucked up everything is.
Emily lets out a choked breath when Rachel unconsciously snuggles in closer to her a second later, throwing an arm over Emily's waist and can't help feeling her heart clenching so painfully in her chest that it hurts to breathe.
It's what I deserve, Emily thinks, and turns her face away from Rachel's own, unable to look at the woman who she's undeservedly betrayed in the worst way possible.
-----
"How's Naomi?" Rachel asks as she takes another bite of her desert.
It's said in such a conversational and easy way that Emily balks immediately, has to painfully swallow down her own mouthful before looking up at Rachel with wide eyes.
"She's fine, I think." She ducks her head down to look at her plate, prodding at her slice of pie with her spoon before cautiously adding, "Why are you asking?"
Rachel shoots her a fond smile. "Because she's your friend, and I like her, and I'd like to get to know her and Effy better. Is that not okay?"
Emily nods her head mutely, can't think of any other way to reply when talking will only make her want to say 'no' and she knows that saying no will only bring up more questions that she can't answer honestly.
She settles for a forced smile instead and spoons another piece of the pie into her mouth and says, "The apple crumble is amazing, I'm lucky you're such a good chef," and thanks God that Rachel takes the bait of praise so easily and drops talking about Naomi all together.
-----
It feels a lot like sabotage. As if the world is setting her up to pay for her mistakes in the worst possible form of torture; her current girlfriend and her ex staring up at her from their seats in her garden, both looking at her in a way that undoes her completely.
Rachel seems completely oblivious to the awkwardness of the moment she's created just by throwing this simple housewarming get together, and Emily's never been more thankful that Rachel keeps up with her perfect social butterfly skills as she slips back into conversation with Effy, failing to notice the way Emily can't bring herself to look in Naomi's direction at all.
And it's hard not to look, because she knows she wants to, has missed Naomi to the stage of aching while they've been apart these last few days and yet Emily's aware of how wrong even that notion is. She shouldn't miss her, because missing her leads to wanting her and Emily can't want her because it isn't right, she can't and letting herself look at Naomi will ruin her restraint in a spilt second.
But Naomi doesn't play fair, and Emily drops the bottle of wine she reaches for, jerks as Naomi's warm hand skims across her thigh, cursing loudly as she jumps back, the wine slipping from her unsteady fingers and watches the bottle shatters before her eyes.
Just like my life, Emily thinks momentarily before Rachel's voice fills her ears and instructs her back to the house to clean up.
-----
"Do you love her?"
Emily hears each word fall from Naomi's mouth like a gun-shot and has to squeeze her eyes tightly shut to save herself from seeing Naomi's face breaking in the same way that her voice has, knows it'll kill her completely to have to look back into those deep blue eyes and attempt an answer that isn't the truth but also isn't a lie.
She lets out a shaky breath and forces her eyes back open to find Naomi's, wants her to see it all, all of the honesty and all of the reasons why, hopes that just by being able to look at her that maybe Naomi will finally understand everything that Emily can't seem to actually say.
Emily finally responds after a long moment with, "Yes, I love her."
Naomi's response comes like a reflex, the breath escaping her mouth is choked and painful and she tears her eyes away before Emily can see any of the damage she's just caused. It's not shocking at all then, when Emily finds her own breath catching, feels her chest constricting agonizingly, her eyes burning with tears just waiting to fall free.
And then Naomi looks back at her, the spark in her eyes extinguished by obvious defeat and tears spilling down her cheeks when she offers up a pathetic and sorrowful attempt at a smile and says, "I just needed to hear you say it." before turning on her heel and retreating away from her; each step she takes sounding dreadfully final.
It's that thought alone that unravels Emily completely, makes her heart burst with all of the feelings that she'd packed away and tried to keep hidden and removed from her life for the last seven years, until she can do nothing but quell the unbearable aching of utter emptiness in her chest by stopping Naomi leaving; calling out for her desperately.
And she says it then, admits it openly as she whispers through a trembling voice, "I love her. But not like I love you."
When Naomi reaches for her then, pulls their bodies together tightly into a needy embrace, Emily can do nothing but shudder. It feels so right, being back in Naomi's arm, it's the only place she's ever felt safe and yet for all that it makes her feel, it's still not enough, it never was, not when Naomi was always so close and yet so far away, and it wakes Emily up, reminds her of the reality that for all of their closeness, for all of their stolen moments and hushed confessions, they're still worlds apart.
It hurts just as much as it did the first time, to have to admit that love isn't always all it was meant to be, that loving someone can't overcome every obstacle between them, to be the one to have to call it off and to have to pull away from Naomi and break both of their hearts with a truthful, "It's not enough Naomi."
But even after she says it, even after she walks away and back to Rachel, Emily can't help herself from wishing that it was.
-----
JJ looks worried when he opens the door to see her, his hair sticking up at every angle and his eyes still a little sleepy. He opens the door wider and lets her pass him wordlessly, Emily moving into his living room and sloppily throwing herself onto his couch with a distressed sigh.
"I've done something awful Jay. Really gone and cocked everything up." Emily looks up at him with tears in her eyes, wipes at them furiously when they leak down onto her cheek and murmurs a broken, "I don't know what I'm fucking doing."
JJ blinks at her a few times, looking a mixture of confused and bewildered before saying, "My mum always said that although it's a basic instinct and our bodies do it automatically, sometimes just breathing deeply can help make things seem clearer."
Emily looks back at him mutely and can't stop her lips from creeping up into a smile despite how messed up everything has become. JJ's always been surprisingly solid in her life and it's something Emily's grateful for. There's no conflict when it comes down to JJ, he is how he is and he's kind and caring and Emily likes that he'll listen without judgement. She especially likes moments like this, where she's almost in a state of panic and his inability to not switch off the thoughts in his head, to direct a response back at her that is just one of his simple facts, makes Emily feel strangely calmed.
He makes her a cup of tea and they're silent for a long while before Emily finally says, "I slept with Naomi." JJ looks at her with wide eyes and nods his head muttering an 'oh bobbins' before she adds, "And I'm still in love with her."
JJ swallows loudly and then says, "But you're with Rachel. In a monogamous relationship, right? Well clearly not given what you've just told me but--"
"I don't want to be that person Jay," Emily responds, cutting JJ off and standing abruptly from the couch. "I can't be somebody that cheats and lies. That's why I'm here; I need you to help me stay away from Naomi."
"But you just said that you love her Emily, why would you want to stay away from her?"
"Because Rachel's a good person, and I'm with her." Emily lets out a shaky breath and runs her fingers through her hair. "I need you to tell Naomi to back off and leave me alone; being around her, having her so close... it's making things too hard. I can't stop if-- I need her to give me some space; I want my life back to the way it was before this all happened." Emily reaches for his hand then. "Please do this for me, Jay. I really need you."
JJ looks down at their hands, sees Emily's small one gripping tightly at his own, and wonders when it was that he stopped noticing just how delicate Emily really is. He covers her hand with his other one and offers her a small smile. "I'll do whatever I can to help Emily."
Emily tries not to cry then, but fails completely as JJ pulls her into his arms and stokes his hands soothingly across her back as she sniffles into his shoulder and tells her that everything will work out the way it's supposed to. She hopes that he's right and that having him on her side will help her put the final stop to the trail of destruction she's recklessly managed to create.
-----
Emily doesn't ask JJ for details on what happened and is relieved when he doesn't offer any information up. It's not that she doesn't want to know what he said, or how Naomi reacted to it all, she just knows that it's for the best if she tries to switch it off now, tries to stop caring before it's too late to turn back.
It's harder to do than she'd hoped for.
-----
As soon as they get to Bristol, Emily leaves Rachel at the hotel and heads straight round to Katie's; the desire to relish in that simple comfort that she gets from Katie just being near her sitting heavily in her chest.
Katie opens the door with a smile that fades quickly once she sees her, stares silently at her for a long moment before pulling Emily into a hug and pressing a kiss to her temple. She doesn't ask, she hasn't in a long time and it's a habit Emily is mostly thankful for, that Katie learnt when to back out of her life just enough to let her live it but still kept close enough to remind Emily that she was there if she needed her.
Sometimes Emily wishes that she hadn't fought so hard to break away from her because now she's always left to make the first move, to break through Katie's questioning silence and reveal herself, and she's not sure she can this time, isn't sure there's enough words to possible describe everything that Katie has missed.
They don't really speak about much at all, nothing that matters anyway, until Katie finishes adding a final pin to the hem of the dress Emily's wearing and looks over Emily's shoulder to offer her a gentle smile.
"You look beautiful Ems; beautiful but sad."
Emily catches her eye then, and has to look away. Katie knows her too well, has always been able to tune into when something isn't quite right and so she breaks away from Katie's knowing gaze and nods her head in a way that she hopes is reassuring.
"I'm fine Kay." She glances up in time to see Katie's eyebrows quirk up disbelievingly and rolls her eyes when she adds, "Seriously."
Emily watches as Katie purses her lips together in response as she sets about adding more clips to Emily's hair to stop the strands that keep falling into her eyes. It isn't until Katie's standing in front of her, sliding the last clip into place that she looks carefully over Emily's face before asking, "Are you happy?"
And she has to force a laugh then, has to smile despite herself and slap Katie's hand away from her face if she's ever to get Katie to believe her for a second. "I just told you that I'm fine."
Katie frowns at her and shakes her head just once. "But being fine and being happy isn't the same thing, Emily, you know that."
She kind of hates it then, how Katie's turned from being the self-absorbed girl that she once was to the girl who pulled her life together and grew up because it makes Emily feel guilty for not phoning sooner, for not trusting Katie to help her before things escalated to the stage that they have, and yet Emily knows deep down that nothing Katie could have possibly of said, or says, will be able to change or undo what was always going to happen when Naomi crashed back into her life.
"I know they're not the same," Emily replies softly wanting to ease Katie's worry. "But I am happy, okay?" It's the hardest lie she's had to tell since lying to her parent's about being with Naomi back when they were sixteen and it leaves a horrible knot in her stomach that makes her want to immediately take it back.
Katie unzips the back of her dress and lets Emily change back into her clothes before saying, "Does Rachel still make you happy?"
And it comes out of nowhere, catches Emily so off guard that she falters for a second too long before she responds, "Yes-- of course she does. Why would you even ask me that?" But it's too late then, Katie's seen it, whatever it is that she was looking for and she's staring back at Emily with a look that tells Emily she knows she's lying.
"Just checking," Katie says, and it's said in such a way that Emily feels a lump lodging in her throat and stopping her from defending herself from whatever it is that Katie's silently implying.
But it doesn't matter a second later that she can't, when Katie presses a kiss to her forehead and runs a comforting hand down her arm with a, "It'll be all right, yeah? I promise." that makes Emily tear up instantly.
-----
Naomi's scowling; it's the first thing Emily notices when she sees her standing at the altar with Kieran as they wait for Gina's arrival.
She looks slightly uncomfortable and Emily knows her well enough to know that she hates being at the centre of attention when she isn't in control of what's happening. Naomi glances over in her direction and catches her eye, it makes Emily's stomach flutter when she offers up a smile; not sad or laced with regret, just a beautiful smile that leaves Emily reeling.
Gina looks stunning too and Emily can't remember ever seeing her look so happy, so at ease, and it makes her smile when she sees the same look reflected back on Kieran's own face. It makes Emily briefly think of fate, wonders if Kieran and Gina were always meant to be and thinks that they were the moment they start their vows, looking at each other with such raw love that it makes Emily's heart clench in her chest painfully, her eyes filling with tears as she settles her gaze onto Naomi.
Naomi shuffles on her feet and Emily knows that she must feel her eyes upon her because within seconds she carefully lifts her head to her and lets their eyes lock. She feels her breath catch in her throat and it feels strangely personal then, when Gina and Kieran pass back their 'I love you's,' feels as if with that one look, they're saying it silently to each other.
Naomi tears her eyes away from her and Emily can see the trail of tears on her cheeks, reaches up to her own face to find her own cheeks wet and knows at once that she's being cruel just by being here, is slowly killing them both with everything that's been said and everything that hasn't; with everything that's happened and everything that can't.
-----
She tries not to make eye contact with Naomi anymore that night, instead focuses all of her energy on Rachel and tries to enjoy her company in the way that she knows she should.
It works for a little while, Rachel makes her forget with her easy smile and adorable laugh and it's almost enough just to be with her and only her until she catches sight of Naomi dancing with JJ. She doesn't mean to watch them over Rachel's shoulder, tries her hardest not to let herself fall back into the trap, but it's too late to escape when Naomi's gaze settles on her, she can't look away; it feels like drowning and she's not sure she wants to fight against it. Not sure that she even could.
She feels Rachel's lips brush against her ear and forces herself to look away from Naomi and back at the woman she should be focusing on, sees Rachel's face light up with a smile as she says, "As much as I'd love to spend all night dancing with you, I really need to make a couple of calls for work. I'll be back in as soon as possible, okay? It shouldn't take too long. Will you be all right?"
Emily nods her head in response. "Sure, go. I'll be fine. I'll just grab a glass of wine while I wait for you." Rachel smiles and presses a kiss to her cheek before heading out into the garden.
The next song starts a second later and Emily feels lightheaded when she realises what song it is, looks over at Naomi and knows that she's not the only one reliving a memory from their past. She sees the small smile playing over Naomi's lips and can't help her own from curling up slightly in response.
She sees Kieran approach Naomi on wobbly legs as he shoves clumsily at Naomi's arm and slurs, "You two need to be fucking dancing, it's my wedding night. Everyone should be dancing like a loon." He waves his hand in her direction and beckons her over towards them.
Emily knows that it's probably wrong, that it will more than likely end up as another mistake on her long list as she feels her feet responding automatically and leading her over towards Naomi, but then she reminds herself that it's just a dance and that they're surrounded by other people, thinks there's no way the next three minutes or so can be anything other than harmless and so she gives in to her want and lets herself reach out for Naomi; sliding one hand to rest up on her shoulders as her other hand rests perfectly in Naomi's own.
She can't stop her eyes from slipping shut as Naomi's hand settles low on her back, forcing them together and closing the remaining space between them completely. Emily feels Naomi's warm breath against her cheek and feels a content sigh escaping from between her lips. It's utterly ridiculous how right it feels, just being back in Naomi's arms, feels like the all of the heavy pressure that's been sitting on her chest and crushing her down for the longest time is finally shifting away and leaving her lightheaded; consumed by the moment as everything seems to fade away.
It's when Naomi shifts their position until their foreheads are resting against each other that Emily dares to open her eyes, it hits her quickly how intoxicated she feels and all she manages to think is blue, achingly blue, before her eyes slip shut again, their bodies never stopping to sway to the music.
The air around them seems thicker than it should and it leaves Emily feeling overwhelmingly hazy as the music quietens and trails off in to silence. It comes as a shock when she opens her eyes to find Naomi so close to her, her eyes still shut as she breathes out shakily against Emily's skin. It feels like she's moving instinctively when she lifts her hand up to Naomi's face, smoothing her fingertips down the soft skin of Naomi's cheek and watching the way that her eyes flutter open at the contact as she brushes the pad of her thumb over Naomi's lush bottom lip; soaking in each and every detail that she can.
Music echoes around them again and draws Emily sharply out of the moment, leaving her feeling like she can't breathe as a deep sadness sets back into her chest, painfully reminding her that this isn't how things were supposed to go.
Emily sees the way Naomi's eyes glimmer with hurt and disbelief and it's enough to make her heart clench tightly with guilt. She steps back from Naomi's arms and offers her a smile that she knows Naomi will understand as an apology before walking away and regretfully leaving Naomi behind once again.
-----
She doesn't remember much about the wedding after that, just knows that she numbs the pain with as much vodka as possible so she doesn't have to keep wondering why it hurts so much to do the right thing.
-----
Emily wakes with a dull throbbing consuming her head; blinks her eyes open wearily and lets out an irritable groan when the bright light hits her.
She shuffles over in the bed, twisting her body beneath the covers and reaches out into the space next to her searching for a warm body only to be met with cool sheets. She forces her eyes open again and feels instantly confused and on edge as to why the other side of the bed doesn't appear to have been slept in, everything arranged just the same as it was when they checked into the apartment hotel.
A wave of nausea rises quickly up in her throat and Emily has to rush from the bed and into the bathroom as her stomach empties its contents of far too much alcohol. She rinses her mouth and splashes water on her face to try and make herself look halfway decent before heading into the kitchen.
Rachel's there when she enters the room, looking up from her seat at the table with a look that fills Emily with a sense of dread which is only amplified further when she sees the dark circles under Rachel's eyes and realises that she's still wearing the dress she wore to the wedding.
"What's wrong?" Emily croaks, her eyes clouding over with worry. "Why didn't you come to bed? Why are you still dressed like that?"
Rachel looks at her with deep sorrow etched painfully onto her face, ignores Emily's questions and says, "After I finally managed to get you back here and into bed, I watched you sleep for a long time, and for the first time since we've been together I felt wrong for doing so. I felt this sense of... shame, of guilt, for being here with you."
Emily swallows hard against the tightening in her throat and shakes her head in disbelief and confusion. "You're not making any sense here, Rach. I don't understand wha--"
"And so I came down here and I stayed up all night thinking about it all. About you and me, from the moment I met you at that bar until now, and I realised that there's always been something there, something not quite right; somehow we've never quite... fit, have we?"
She sees the tears rising in Rachel's eyes and takes a step towards her. "Babe, you're talking crazy, okay? We just need--"
"I think on some level I always knew the reason why. But I wanted it anyway. I wanted you." Rachel half-heartedly smiles at her. "And so I ignored it, I put blinders on and pretended that that part of you didn't exist, because if it didn't exist then I didn't have to worry about what it meant in the long-run and I could just be happy in the now. And that suited me, living each day as it was and not having to be scared about what the future held." She lets out a shaky breath before she adds, "But for the last few months it's gotten harder to just ignore it, Emily, and watching you last night made it clearer why."
"What do you mean watching me last night? Nothing happened. It was Gina's wedding-- we had a good time, we ate dinner, we danced--"
"Emily..." Rachel shakes her head. "I couldn't get a reception on my phone and when I came back in to find you, I saw you with her... with Naomi."
She feels the panic set in, cutting her sharply in the chest and making the air in her lungs heavy. She swallows down the thick lump in her throat and shakes her head. "It was just a dance, okay? It was nothing."
"That wasn't nothing, Ems," Rachel breaths out. "I watched the whole thing; I saw the way she looked at you, the way you looked at her. It was the same way that you two always look at each other, as if everybody and everything just falls away around you."
"Rachel..." Emily whispers brokenly, almost pleadingly, her heart pounding wildly in her chest with the inevitable feeling of knowing where this is heading.
Rachel's quite for a long second before her lips quiver up into a forced smile and says, "You love her." Emily averts her eyes, squeezes them shut tightly and lets out an unintentional choked sob. "You always have. You were never able to let her go, were you?"
It leaves Emily feeling sick and dizzy, forces her eyes back up to Rachel's, her voice desperate when she says, "I love you."
Rachel smiles softly at her. "I know you do. But it's not the same; you're not in love with me Emily. You never have been."
"That's not true." Emily shakes her head, feeling the sting of Rachel's words and needing to make things right, to just explain and fix things. "Falling in love just takes time. You need to give me more time, okay? That's all; we're great together and I--"
"We don't need time Ems, it wouldn't change things." Rachel stands from her seat and walks towards her, reaching out and holding Emily's hands in her own. "What you really need is for me to release you..." She lets out a shaky breath when adds, "And so I am. I'm moving back to Sheffield and you're going to go back to London and put things the way they're supposed to be." When Emily's sobs again, Rachel has to duck her head to keep her eyes on Emily's own, forcing her to look back at her. "It's time to stop pretending and hoping that what we have is more than what it is. It's time for me to let you go."
Emily sees the look of finality in Rachel's eyes and finds her heart bursting painfully in her chest. It isn't supposed to go like this; this isn't what her life was supposed to be. The tears spill from her eyes freely, her shoulders shaking from the shock of it all when she whimpers frantically, "Please don't do this. We can make it work, okay? I know we can, I'll try harder, I promise; don't do this to me, Rachel." She sees Rachel shake her head and cries harder, her voice lodging in her throat when she gasps out, "I didn't mean to hurt you."
Rachel reaches for her, pulls her in and holds her for a long moment before she pulls back and reaches up for Emily's face, brushing away her tears. "Shh, hey, listen to me. I know you didn't. But it's not fair to either of us to continue on like this. I can't keep holding onto your heart while it clearly belongs to someone else. And you can't keep trying to place my heart in a space where it doesn't fit; a space that belongs to her and always will."
It doesn't seem right. It isn't fair that this is happening, that she's allowed this to ever become something where this has to happen, and Emily can feel the guilt rising in her chest and tightening painfully around her heart as she thinks back to her night with Naomi, about all of the night's she's spent with Rachel wishing she was Naomi.
She didn't mean for this to happen, but it doesn't change that it is.
"But I wanted you to fit," Emily whispers sincerely.
Rachel smiles, and presses a kiss to Emily's temple. "I know that too. And that's why I'm okay letting you go. We both deserve more than what we have now, to be truly happy, yeah?" Emily stands motionless as Rachel presses one last gentle kiss to her lips, squeezing her tightly and whispering into her ear, "Don't waste anymore time trying to love the wrong person, Emily, not when she's right there and loving you back this time around" before letting her go for the last time.
-----
When Rachel leaves, closing the door behind with a gentle click that sounds deafeningly like their final ever goodbye, Emily sinks down to the ground and really cries, loud and harsh and ugly, each sob a painful reminder of all of the mistakes she's made and can never take back.
-----
She doesn't go home to London, stays in Bristol instead and goes to the one person who always feels more like home than any city ever could.
-----
Katie takes one look at her when she opens the door and just knows.
She doesn't say or do anything other than hold her arms out and let Emily fall into them; her face burying instantly into Katie's shoulder while she cries silently, and when Katie's hands soothingly rub at her back a split second later, Emily suspects that she always has.
-----
When the crying finally subsides, Emily finds it replaced with uncontrollable anger that leaves her skin itching unbearably as though all of the questions she's tried to bury away, tried not to let herself think about for all these years, are suddenly crawling to the surface and inching their way closer to bursting free.
She asks Katie for a shovel early the next morning, who merely raises an eyebrow inquisitively but says nothing while she heads out into the garden and returns with one a moment later, passing it over with a concerned look that Emily knows well enough by now to know that Katie wants her to talk.
But she can't. There isn't anything left to say about the mess she's created. Emily leaves a moment later, pressing a kiss to Katie's cheek that she hopes will ease some of her worry.
-----
If feels like a lifetime since she last made the trek all the way out here, doesn't remember it ever feeling so far away that her feet ached with each step closer that she got.
The first thing Emily thinks when she finally makes her way to the clearing is that it looks the same; feels just as still and beautiful as it always did. She can almost see it then, remembers the way the water of the lake had sparkled beneath the sunlight and how she hadn't been able to believe that Naomi had actually called her for once, had needed her.
She closes her eyes and breathes in, can almost smell the spliff they shared moments before Naomi had kissed her, before things changed between them for good. When Emily opens her eyes and looks over at the spot where they'd slept together down on the blanket - underneath the stars and huddled up together - she feels the same sense of disappointment and hurt she had on that morning she woke to find Naomi leaving her, running away from her again.
It still hits hard knowing that Naomi always left her, was always running from her and even when she wasn't she was never really there, was never really in it with her.
Emily lifts a hand to her face and wipes furiously at her eyes and, fuck her, because she had her chance, she had a whole two years of chances and she never took any of them. And now... now she's left Emily back at square one; empty and alone, with nothing. She's taken away a part of Emily's life she had no right to touch and worse than that, Emily has foolishly let her.
She resents it then, this lake, their stupid lake and all that it stands for, all that it means about them, and she releases a whirlwind of curses that end with a screamed, "I fucking hate you."
And it doesn't matter whether who she means it for; herself, Naomi, the lake. Just knows that she can't handle it, the way the world seems to be laughing that it's once again managed to fuck up her life.
And so, fuck you too, Emily thinks, reaching for the shovel and stabbing it deeply into the ground with a piercing crunch, ripping up the earth and exposing what's always been kept safe beneath it, always kept trapped and never released, again and again until her arms are sore and her hands are bleeding; the pain drowning out the aching in her heart.
-----
She's exhausted by the time she feels she's done enough; her eyes stinging and her body breathless. It feels like she's achieved something, just by coming here, but she's not quite sure what it is yet, knows it'll come to her in time.
Time heals everything, Emily thinks a second later and scoffs; because if that isn't the biggest load of bullshit she's ever heard then she doesn't know what is.
She hears the sound of a twig snapping close by and a second later she's covered by a figure's shadow looming over her, looks up and sees Naomi staring down at her with an unreadable expression.
Emily knows she must have seen the state of her face, her cheeks muddy and her eyes red and puffy because after a second of silence Naomi's eyes soften and Emily watches the way her throat works as she shallows tightly around the words she wants to say.
"Rachel came to see me," is what Naomi finally says, clear and gentle and it makes Emily avert her eyes, sniffling back on fresh tears. When she doesn't say anything in response Naomi shuffles on her feet but refuses to look away from her. "What's with the hole? It looks like a bomb has gone off down here."
Emily can't help but notice the way Naomi's voice wavers off at the end, as if the lightness she had been trying to create between them was quickly swallowed by the gloomy dark.
She pierces Naomi with her eyes, looking up at her and says wryly, "It was time that we cut the ties to the past, don't you think?"
Naomi's face contorts with hurt as a frown materialises on her face and she shakes her head, her voice thick when she responds, "You really believe that?"
And Emily doesn't respond then, doesn't know how to say yes and no without making Naomi think something that she shouldn't. Instead she looks away from Naomi's blue eyes and purses her lips together.
Naomi slides down into the opposite side of the hole a moment later, her eyes falling to Emily's dirty, bloodied hands and instantly reaching for her with a breathy, "Jesus, Em."
Emily moves her hands away before Naomi can touch her and pulls her knees in tighter towards her chest. "Don't, okay? Don't you dare try and comfort me."
She sees the pain that flashes up in Naomi's eyes and has to bite down hard on her lip when Naomi whispers an aching, "Please, Emily" as she reaches out for her again.
"No, Naomi." Emily shoves Naomi's hands away from her and finds that her chest is tightening unbearably when she continues, "This doesn't mean we can just be together. You have no idea what you've done; Rachel's a great woman, who loves me, who was there for me when you weren't, and we-- I hurt her. I betrayed her." She feels her voice closing off as tears force their way out from her eyes. "Jesus, how could I do that to her." She doesn't mean to break, doesn't want to let Naomi see her this way, but she can't help the wracking sob that escapes her lips.
"Em, sweetheart, don't cry. Everything will be all right; we'll work it out, okay? I promise."
She feels Naomi shifting closer to her, her hands running up and down her arms and suddenly it leaves Emily feeling caged, suffocating with everything that is wrong with them. Pushes Naomi away with a forceful, "Get off me" before pushing herself to her feet and climbing out of the hole.
Emily barely manages to make it a few feet before Naomi's scampering after her and grabbing her by the arm. "Emily wait--"
"No. She may be right, and I may love you, but it doesn't make this," Emily gestures wildly between them as she adds, "Us, right. It never has. You didn't want me when you had me, and now I can't."
"Ems..."
Emily ignores the way seeing tears form in Naomi's eyes makes her heart clench when she says, "No, this changes everything between us again, Naomi."
Naomi shakes her head, murmurs, "Don't say that. I know we'll work it out."
Emily bites at her lip and averts her gaze, looks back at Naomi after a moment and says, "But what if I'm not sure that I can."
She sees the shock that creeps onto Naomi's face, hears the way that her breath catches as tears finally escape blue eyes and has to swallow down the lump in her own throat as she turns her back to Naomi and begins to walk away.
It's only when she hears Naomi call after her, "Emily, please don't walk away. I love you and I know you love me. Don't leave me here, be brave and stay with me." that she has to squeeze her eyes shut and force herself to keep walking, tries to remind herself that she's doing the right thing by putting the past to rest, and that only will she truly be able to live when she's stops holding onto that younger version of herself that fell in love with the blonde haired girl with the blue eyes and super model name, and finally lets the memories go.
Hopes it's easier a second time round.
