1.07 | Learning to Die
"Got you wrapped around my finger, babe;
you can count on me to misbehave."
Primadonna - Marina & the Diamonds
IN THE MORNING, Pan took Adi to the same clearing she had first learned to create fire in, the first time she had believed in magic. And in herself, as cliché as it sounds.
Adi hated those, which was ironic, considering her entire life had become one gigantic, festering cliché.
The morning dawned above the two of them, clear and sunny, already stifling and humid. Pan looked, for lack of a better word, excited. It made her uneasy.
"So what exactly is this?"
"How you eradicate your fear," Pan replied. Without waiting for her response, he idly waved his hand in the general area behind Adi. She turned just in time to see the fading aftereffects of his emerald magic floating off of two vaguely humanoid figures, black and hazy like walking shadows.
"What are they?" Adi asked warily, loading her bow.
"It's a game. I call it target practice."
"That doesn't answer my question."
"They're targets, Adeline. Practice fighting them. Hurt them - it's not like they're going to bleed." His reply was swift, impatient, like he couldn't wait to see her kill or be killed.
Hesitantly, Adi stepped forward and shot an arrow into the one on the right. Half of her expected it to fly right through the thing like it was made of fog, but it stuck in where she supposed its chest would be. Instead of stumbling, falling, or yelling in pain like a human would, this thing ripped the arrow out, unfazed, and began advancing toward her.
All her mind could think was: bad. Very bad.
Adi dropped her bow by her feet and believed in a dagger in its place. From its reaction, she could gauge that a distance weapon probably wasn't the way to go with whatever these things were. She got as close as she dared with her blade held out defensively. They weren't real, but she still didn't want to kill them - if they even could be killed.
Either the phantom wasn't sentient enough to sense the imminent danger, or it detected Adi's apprehension, or maybe it just didn't care, because it came at her anyway.
"Kill it!"
Vaguely, Adi registered Pan's demanding cry. But she wouldn't act on it. Even though she was perfectly aware that they weren't real, she knew exactly what he was trying to do.
And she wasn't going to let him tell her what to do. The problem was that these shadows weren't going to go down easily.
While Adi paused to debate this, her knife hovering between the shadow and herself, she momentarily forgot one crucial piece of information.
There were two.
Whirling around, she realized she was half a second too late. The second outline touched her right arm and her skin began to bubble, white hot beneath its feathery touch. She wrenched her arm away and shoved her dagger through its wrist. Behind her, the first's fiery grasp found the back of her neck.
Somewhere through the agony, she heard Pan yell for her to kill them. Her only reply was to clench her teeth shut so hard they might've broken.
That was exactly what he wanted her to do, but she wouldn't give him the satisfaction of listening, even if it meant burning the skin off of her body.
The dagger slipped from her grasp and landed on the ground as she cried aloud in agony. Shadow number one had wrapped its foggy hands around her neck, and number two had her entire right arm in a screaming ache.
Searing pain. At some point, Adi vaguely registered falling to her knees, and at another, she remembered feeling like her insides were aflame as well.
Everything was on fire and she was probably shouting at the top of her lungs.
And then, just like that, it was gone.
Pan was standing over her looking pissed as ever while Adi coughed her insides out. Her throat was coated in sandpaper.
"What on earth was that?" Pan half shouted as Adi lifted herself up, breathless and exhausted and sweating.
"I tried to fight them," she exhaled and shrugged offhandedly as she examined her arm, which looked to be badly sunburned. "But I guess I'm off my game today."
Shaking his head, Pan glared down at her. "No, you're not. That was nowhere near your best try, even on a bad day. That was you blatantly disobeying me."
"So what if it was?" Adi challenged, shifting her weight and looking up at him now.
"You're so hell bent on disobeying me that it almost got you killed!"
This was what Tootles was talking about. Pan getting sick of her rebellious routine. That was the problem - it wasn't a routine. It was simply her, and she refused to change for some arrogant kid who called himself a king.
"I knew you wouldn't let me die." She smirked haughtily. "Not after all the training, not after you continuously telling me I'm special and important. Face it, Pan, I knew when to call your bluff."
Pan stared at her blankly for a moment, like he couldn't possibly comprehend her stupidity. "It wasn't a bluff. That exercise was to get you to think on your feet, to learn how to fight to kill, to be aggressive."
"Yeah, well, guess I'm not aggressive."
"You wouldn't call this aggressive?" Pan motioned between the two of them.
Adi rolled her eyes. "I'd call this a...rousing discussion. That I'm clearly winning."
He snorted. "Was that a threat?"
"It's whatever you want it to be, Pan. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've had enough of training for today." She turned to walk into the forest - which she prayed she knew well enough to at least find her way back to camp - with an air of finality, but turned when she heard Pan laughing. "What?"
"You would have wanted to kill them if I told you not to. This was just your way of saying that you're still not going to listen. But trust me, you're going to listen. I'm going to make you."
"Was that a threat?"
"It's whatever you want it to be, Adeline."
Though her back was to him, she could almost smell the devilish smirk on his lips, see the glitter of mischief in his eyes.
"You know what, Pan?" Adi half turned around so she could fully look at him. Sure enough, he looked exactly as she had predicted. "No words in the English language would be able to properly describe how infuriating you are."
His voice rang through the trees long after she had departed the clearing and began her journey back to camp. "Neverland is forever, Adeline; I'm sure you'll have time to find some."
Over in the corner of Pan's tree house, stacked along the low table by the foot of his bed, sat four books in a neat stack.
The first was a worn copy of Peter Pan by J.M. Barrie. So Pan did know about the altered story of himself in Adi's world. Perhaps he had it as a reference point to figure out exactly how not to act.
Neverland was scribbled in cursive along the top of the next one. It was handwritten on heavy, wrinkled pages, and all the ink was smudged. From what she could tell, it held information about the island. It was likely written by Pan, but she hadn't pegged him as someone to write a whole textbook about Neverland.
Once Upon a Time. No author. Heavier, thicker, longer than the others, and embellished in a carving that spread all along both tan covers. Inside, the pages were covered in beautiful watercolors and perfectly centered typewritten text.
The last, and perhaps most unsettling of all, was a thin leather journal the color of sand and bound with a silver lock. No identification, but Adi could assume Pan didn't want her anywhere near it, because attempting to unlock it with magic proved to be futile.
Adi pried the faded volume labeled Neverland from the stack after a moment's consideration, and went to sit criss-crossed like a kindergartner on her messily made bed.
There was no table of contents, nor were there headings at the tops of pages. The information went on in brief staccatos and random paragraphs with large blank spaces between them for some 100 pages. A few sketchily penned drawings dotted the paper here and there, but they looked more like a child's art project rather than diagrams from an encyclopedia.
Page one was still a work in progress. It was the only one to have a title: "LOST BOYS" - except "BOYS" had been scratched out and rephrased to "ONES." Adi's full name was written at the bottom, below Christopher's.
Some of the names had been crossed out. One was blotted with so much ink it was impossible to make out what had been written before. A chill shot down Adi's spine.
The next was about the history of the island and its past inhabitants - the Indians of the Earth Peter Pan story were mythical - up until Pan's takeover of it. There weren't many - or perhaps Pan didn't care enough to name them.
Somewhere around page seven identified all the major landmarks of Neverland. Adi had vague perceptions of where things were from her map, but she still didn't know what their purposes were, if any.
Dark Hollow housed all of Pan's stolen shadows - a sentence that confused Adi more than anything. Neverpeak Mountain was home to Dead Man's Peak, where a magical spring of water ran that could cure any ill.
The Echo Caves, carved into the base of the mountain, was a chain of three separate caves, each with a specific purpose. Echo wouldn't let you leave until you spoke your darkest secret aloud. Eidolon showed you your deepest desire. Ensorcel played your worst fears out in front of you. And you couldn't leave until you'd gone through all three and endured their challenges.
Adi chewed on her lip absently and flipped a few more pages, skimming over paragraphs. There was plenty of unnecessary information, like the indigenous plants and animals. It was difficult to imagine the dangerous Peter Pan researching different types of leaves and recording them in perfect handwriting in his journal.
The page after elaborated on Dark Hollow. Adi knew the tale of how Peter Pan's shadow was separated from his body, and they were two different beings, but she didn't know how painful it was to rip one off.
Dark Hollow is where all of Neverland's shadows are imprisoned. The first shadow to live on the island was the Neverland Shade, which welcomed the first people to the island thousands of years ago. The Shade is dangerous. It harbors a hatred for those who don't belong on Neverland, because outsiders killed those he first brought to the island. It is extremely hostile. However, Peter Pan's shadow and all the others he captures are under the King of Neverland's command. His is a separate being from the rest, and follows only his command.
The King of Neverland. Sometimes Adi referred to him as that in her head, as a mild joke, but Pan wrote that title for himself with intention
The idea of that unnerved her enough that she closed the book and picked up the volume labeled Once Upon a Time instead.
There was no dedication. No publication date. No credit to any author or illustrator.
Adi began to flip through the stories, searching for an interesting one. None seemed to stick out to her.
None, until she found the picture of the pirate ship and its warbled reflection in the water below that looked alarmingly similar to the one from her dreams.
A sudden swish of wind made her drop the book and jump back, heart racing.
The spine hit the ground with a resonating crack. It was then that Adi realized she had been caught. There was nothing wrong with what she was doing, but the fact that Pan's appearance jarred her so much was indicative of guilt.
Pan picked up the book, eyebrows raised. "Searching for words to properly describe how infuriating I am?" Then he glanced at the cover and frowned. "You won't find any in there."
"No, I've come up with a couple on my own, but they're quite profane, so I'll keep them in here. For me only." Adi tapped her temple with a smirk. "Now, what exactly do you want? And I swear if you say more training, I'm going to drown myself in the lagoon."
"I wanted to play a game," he said as he leaned down to pick her bow from the floor and handed it to her. "It'll be fun."
Why Pan was acting like nothing was wrong was beyond her. Was it not two hours ago that they had shouted at each other after her (failed) practice session?
"You and I have very different definitions of fun," she replied flatly, though she accepted her weapon and stood. "Either way, I'm game. No pun intended."
He led her outside, to where most of the Lost Boys had congregated around the general target area and surrounded themselves in low chatter.
"Are your arrows sharpened?" When Adi nodded, Pan grinned. "Excellent." And stepped closer to her, so close she could see the perfectly pure green of his emerald eyes, so close she swore he could kiss her if he really wanted to. Then he backed away with something in his hand. He had only gotten close to take three arrows from her quiver.
"I'm going to cover these in dreamshade," he continued, raising his voice so everyone could hear them. "It's a nasty poison that kills the affected in an extremely short amount of time. Three boys will stand in front of targets. Your job is to hit the target without hitting them. You do so accidentally, they die."
Another bluff. Adi could feel it in his words. This was his way of playing with her yet again, his way of forcing her to comply out of fear of hurting someone else.
And if she backed out now, with all of their eyes already on her, she'd look like a coward. She had to admit, Pan knew how to play all of his cards right.
Then again, so did Adi. There was a pause in which she glanced from the bow to the arrows in Pan's hand to the few of her friends she recognized in the crowd of boys. "Who?"
Pan seemed to take that as her affirmation. "Slightly, Ace, Felix. Against the targets."
Of course. He picks the ones I've become to. But I'm one step ahead.
The boys parted for the three of them; Slightly on the left, Ace in the middle, Felix on the right. Max shot Adi a reassuring smile as she went to stand in the gap they had made.
"Good luck," Pan told her as he handed her the first arrow. Their fingers brushed, but Adi refused to meet his gaze.
Slightly was first. A few inches shorter than Adi, his head landed right in the middle of the bullseye. To not touch him, she would have to aim a little above his hairline. The poison might have been a lie, but the deadly sharp points of her arrows were not.
Adi strung the arrow, very much aware of the inky, tar-like liquid slathered across the iron tip: black, like death. It couldn't have, but it almost made her hands feel heavier. She exhaled.
"Today, Adeline."
"Kiss my ass, Pan," she hissed as she released the bowstring. The arrow lodged itself about an inch from Slightly's head; he breathed a deep sigh of relief and peeled himself away from the target board.
Silence. And then Felix's rough voice sliced through the quiet like a knife. "You're holding the bow wrong, you know."
"Excuse me?" Adi stared at him incredulously. She'd made it this long on the island without being corrected, and she was a better shot than most of the boys.
He shifted against the target and looked coolly back at her. "Your right hand is supposed to hold the string."
She looked down. Right on body, left on string. It felt right that way, more balanced and controlled. "Thanks for the advice," she said dryly. "But I'm doing just fine."
"I'd rather you not shoot me," he replied in a monotone drawl, but he was smiling a little.
Raising an eyebrow, Adi tilted her head to the side. "And you figured you should wait to tell me until after I'd already shot at Slightly?"
Before Felix could reply, Pan was handing her the next arrow. His hand touched hers again. Adi turned to scowl at him, but said nothing.
Back to the target. Ace was second. He was younger, a lot shorter than Slightly, about level with the third red ring. Adi shot the next arrow. It landed a few centimeters away from the boy, who flinched but grinned all the same. Pan, however, didn't seem to be pleased.
"You can do better."
Adi rounded on him, fire in her eyes. "You want me to kill Felix? Cause I can, if you think I'm good enough to get closer without poisoning him." She yanked the dreamshade-ridden arrow from his grasp and faced the targets, ready to draw it, but Pan caught her wrist.
Anger boiled through her, heating her veins. "I believe we've been over this before, but I do not want your hands on me, got it?"
Without waiting for a reply, Adi wrenched her arm from his hand and turned to Felix while nocking the arrow in one fluid motion. There was point in aiming when Pan was only going to use that time yell at her.
It was reckless, even dangerous, because she could have nailed Felix in the eye, but she couldn't bring herself to care.
The arrow skimmed over the top of Felix's pale hair and pierced the target but let him unscathed. He moved out from beneath it, ducking so he didn't hit his head. Adi supposed it didn't matter if she wasn't holding it right as long as he was still alive.
"That close enough for you?" she spat, bow clutched so tight she thought she might break it. Adrenaline and fury pulsed through her, sharp as a blade.
Pan stared calmly at her. "You could have killed him."
She snorted. "Please. The worst I could have done was make him bleed a little."
"Did you miss the part where I told you about the deadly poison your arrows were dipped in?" His eyebrow rose dangerously. It didn't scare her. Not when Adi thought she had figured out what was going on.
"No, I didn't, but I'm not as stupid as you think I am. Quite the opposite, actually. So I'm calling your bluff: the poison isn't real. You only told me it was to get me to listen to you, like you told me you would this morning. I'm not falling for it, Pan."
"Not falling for it?" he asked with a mildly amused smile. "Nothing to fall for when I'm not lying. I'd never lie to you, Adeline."
As if contemplating this, Adi tilted her head to the side. Then she let out a sharp laugh. "I find that a little hard to believe. And I'm going to prove it to you."
She walked over to the targets and pulled the arrow she'd shot at Felix from the peeling white paint it had landed in. The iron-cast tip was still heavily coated with the shining ebony poison, as was the puncture mark it made where it had connected with the board. Like splatter paint, flecks of it dotted the faded white here and there.
"Adi," Felix didn't sound scared, but exhausted. "Don't."
"You're in on it, too?" she asked, shaking her head.
He shot her an exasperated look that made her hesitate, but she chose to ignore it.
If Pan was telling the truth, wouldn't one of the boys have made a better attempt to stop her?
Besides, items on Pan's list of things he didn't want Adi to do were definitely in line with the items on Adi's list of things she wanted to do.
"And what exactly do you plan on doing with that?" Pan asked into the dead silence.
"Isn't it obvious?" Adi retorted with the ghost of a grin on her lips. She glanced at the arrow in her hand. Some of the thick liquid had dripped off of the tip and landed in patches on the dead grass at her feet. "I'm going to prove you wrong."
He didn't seem to quite understand what she was planning on doing until it was too late, or perhaps he didn't care enough to stop her.
Adi dragged the dreamshade infused arrow down her bare right forearm with gritted teeth and a dangerous glare. Pain bloomed the further it went. But that was expected, as most sharp objects hurt when stricken against skin.
The inky substance disappeared into the crimson blood of the open wound. Adi let her hand fall to her side, smiling victoriously. The cut was bleeding profusely, but other than that, she felt fine.
"See? Nothing. I was right."
Slightly stared at her, horror-stricken. Max had terror written all over his face. Ace looked like he might be sick. Tootles was shaking his head. Felix had his eyes narrowed and his lip between his teeth.
Right when Adi glanced away from them, it happened. The false poison she thought had dissipated harmlessly into her bloodstream resurfaced, this time in dark veins that slowly crawled up her arm and toward her throat and heart. Horrified, she watched them stretch across her skin.
Something restricted her ability to breathe.
"Pride," Pan said as he stepped slowly toward her, aware of what was happening as she started choking. "You, love, are far too prideful, and it's going to get you killed in the end. In fact, it already has."
Her vision went fuzzy, like the black and white static of a dead television screen. Through her numb senses, she registered falling to her knees and then landing on her stomach, getting a face full of dirt. A heavy weight pressed against the small of her back, and more pain erupted around her chest. Voices mumbled around her, but they were muted and distant and she couldn't distinguish any of the words.
And then, through a haze of gray in her eyes, Adi could see the sky again. Blood, heavy and warm, trickled into her mouth. She tried to swallow it back, but her throat was closing and she couldn't breathe; it trickled in a thin line from her lips.
She tried to speak but her voice sounded tinny and incoherent. Her eyelids fluttered.
Black was still crawling into her eyes. There was a rush of wind, a deep voice, a flash of blonde, a mesh of green, and Adi saw no more.
