I'M BACK!
You all thought I was dead, didn't you?
Admit it… I know you were thinking that.
So, eh, anyway, new chappie! Whoo, yeah, alright! A thing about this one: I wouldn't have finished it for quite some time if it weren't for a friend. So, all hail LURVEuALL for making me finish this thing, although in a quite roundabout way. And does that even make sense? Eh...
So, warnings: pervertedness. Also, I break a lot of literature rules in this one, so beware.
…
That is all.
Also, I do not own anything in this fic, except for the movie. I totally own the movie.
Enjoy!
………………….
"Naruto?"
No reply. The world was silent.
"Hey, Naru-chan? Are you okay?"
Still no reply. In fact, the world sounded even quieter than before.
A sigh. "Naruto, if you don't start moving now, I will make a video of what Kakashi is doing with those toys, then tie you to a chair and force you to watch it."
"WHAT!? You wouldn't!" Naruto shrieked, tears shining in his eyes. Gaara stared at the boy, willing his thoughts not to turn perverted.
Do not think about molesting Naruto. Do not think about Naruto naked. Do not think about using those sex toys on Naru-OH MY GOD!
Gaara shuddered violently and whimpered. The poor boy! His first perverted thoughts about another male and he rejects them so violently! Did you hear me, Gaara?! Embrace your inner pervert!
"NEVER!"
Naruto blinked. Gaara seethed. Kakashi hugged a dildo. Satan shivered in fear at the thought of Kakashi hugging dildos. Granny cackled evilly. All was wrong in the world…
"Er, Gaara? You wanted to see a movie…?"
Gaara snapped out of his anger. He shook his head. He did it once more. And again. He then glared at the ceiling for reasons that are beyond me. Oh, wait. He's mouthing some words.
What are they…? Hmm… 'I'… 'will'… 'murder'… 'you'… 'in'… 'the'… 'most'… 'violent'… 'way'… 'possible'.
…
That's not threatening, Gaara.
Oh, more words. 'With'… 'a'… 't'-OH MY GOD!
I… Gaara! That's so mean! I mean…. Ehh…
So. Anyway… Movie time.
"MOVIE TIME!" Naruto yelled in happiness and grabbed Gaara's arm. He started running towards the nearest movie theatre, dragging the redhead along with him.
At the same time, two evil plans were being hatched… Also, an evil cackle sounded from somewhere, probably not related to the evil plans.
Who are these persons with the evil plans? Who did the cackle belong to? Was that a bird that flew by, or Superman?
Find out later, in another crack-packed episode of "Things you didn't know"!
DUN-DUN-DUUUUUU!
…………………
"What's the movie about?"
Gaara blinked. He looked around the room for any hints about what movie they were going to watch, but no clues other than a bright pink movie poster appeared. The boy frowned. It was all very strange: one minute Gaara and Naruto were on the street, the former being dragged by the latter and POOF! They were in a movie theatre, waiting for the movie to begin.
It was all very mysterious, really.
Gaara glared at thin air. One could almost see smoke coming out of his ears, that is how angry he was. Air boiled around him. People around him shivered and felt the urge to run away. A bird flew into a lamppost. A cat ate it. A dog saw it and started chasing the cat. An author realized she was rambling.
Anyway, Gaara had no clue which movie they were about to see.
"I have no idea," he said. Naruto frowned, then looked around. He gasped.
"Gaara! The movie poster is pink! I don't think it is a movie we'd like to see!"
"What if it's about lesbians? Lesbians like pink."
Naruto blinked. He muttered something and Gaara continued.
"What if they'll have hot steamy lesbian sex? And maybe pillow fight while covered in whipped cream, chocolate and cherries? Think of the possibilities!"
Naruto's eyes grew wide and his mouth fell open. He drooled a bit. Little did he know, he was about to receive the shock of his lifetime…
Gaara and Naruto sat down next to each other, both staring at the screen with burning intensity, expecting to see nude lesbians. The start-of-the-movie trailers passed, and the title came onto the screen.
Gaara and Naruto blinked, for sitting innocently on the screen, in bright pink, was the title: "My First Homosexual Intercourse".
Our poor traumatized, lesbian-pillow-fights-expecting heroes screamed.
…………………
People all left the movies, talking animatedly to their friends and loved ones. All except for two young teens.
Gaara and Naruto left the building, blushing furiously and not looking at each other. Fragments of the movie kept playing in their heads, taunting them.
"Derek… I have something to tell you… I'm gay"
And…
"Bobby! No! Don't leave me! I love you, Bobby, can't you see that!?"
And, best of all….
"Oh, God, yes, harder, Derek! Fill me with your man meat!"
"Nnh, yes, Bobby! You're so tight! Aaah, yesssss!"
"Oh, yes, Derek! Come inside me! Leave behind your man-juices! Make me yours!"
Due to, ahem, an accident that happened with the keys of the Mega-Movie-Googo-Plex, the door leading out of the room had been locked for the entire movie, making it impossible for Gaara and Naruto to escape. Which means they had to watch every last second of steamy, hot, dripping, homosexual drama. And sex.
There was a lot of gay sex in that movie.
Gaara shivered and shifted the jacket around his waist a bit. He glanced down, to make sure his 'little problem' was covered, and frowned. Never in his poor little coffee-filled life did he expect to enjoy something like THAT!
I am not gay. I am not gay. I am not gay. I do not wish to molest Naruto. I do not wish to molest my best friend. I do not want to feel his man meat inside o-OH MY GOD!
Gaara shrieked. He fell down on the ground and started rocking back and forth, muttering nonsense under his breath. Naruto blinked in surprise. The blonde suddenly wished he still had his purple dildo with him, to poke Gaara and possibly make the other boy move again.
Or maybe he wished he had superpowers. Eh, what's the difference? Purple dildo, superpowers- same thing, really.
Oh, lookie, Gaara's glaring at clouds again! Now, that's not nice. H-Hey, what are you doing? No, STOP! Don't murder Cloud-Hippo! NOOOOO!
Cloud-Hippo! Come back, my friend! Don't leave meeeeeeeeeeee!
*Whimper* Cloud-Hippo…
"… Gaara? Did you just traumatize the narrator?"
"… No."
"Gaara… You know it's not nice to do that."
"… She started it."
"I'm sure she did."
………………
So, once the almighty narrator had recovered from her little… ahem, fit, out mighty heroes were already back at Naruto's house. God only knows what possessed them to go back there, considering the fact that a naked Kakashi was hugging dildos there, but they were already there and nothing could change that.
After having walked to the door, Naruto closed his eyes and opened it. He took a deep breath and called out, "Kakashi? Are you still naked?"
Nothing answered. Naruto grabbed Gaara and pulled him inside. Gaara suddenly wished he was somewhere else. Possibly with a lifetime's supply of coffee and chewing gum.
As our little gay-but-denying-it heroes walked into the living room, a puzzling sight appeared. The living room was empty. Every bit of furniture had been removed from the room. The only thing still in the room was the treasure chest that had previously filled with dildos.
Naruto walked over to it. Gaara gasped in shock.
"Naruto, no! You do not know what horrors await you in The Chest!"
Naruto turned his head a bit, so that he was half-looking at his best friend.
"I must, Gaara. For the sake of the world, I must see what is in it."
The redhead sobbed dramatically, but let his friend go. The blonde walked over to the chest and, carefully, flipped open the lid which, for some reason, had small holes in it.
Naruto gasped.
"GAARA! You gotta see this!"
Gaara looked at the exited blonde, shrugged and walked over to the chest. Naruto had already sat in it and was looking a lot like a kid in a candy shop. As soon as Gaara got close enough, Naruto pulled him to sit beside him. Yes, inside the chest. Yes, there is enough room. Just imagine it's a big chest, okay?
So, anyway, Gaara and Naruto sat inside the chest. The latter looked really excited while the former was pretty much just confused.
"Naruto? Why did you pull me to sit inside the chest that was previously filled with dildos?"
Naruto pointed at something. Gaara looked at it.
"A newspaper article glued to the inside of the chest? Okay…"
"Look closer!"
Gaara squinted a bit and started to read the article.
"'Icha-Icha Paradise made into illustrated book'?"
The redhead frowned. Then something smushed him on the head and he fell unconscious. Bummer, huh?
……………………
As Gaara became aware of his surroundings again, he realized several things:
1. He was in a cramped space.
2. He was really, really uncomfortable.
3. There was someone with him in the cramped space.
4. That someone was Naruto.
5. Naruto's hand was on Gaara's groin.
6. Gaara was really, really, REALLY uncomfortable.
The redhead tried to move to shake off Naruto's hand, but nothing worked. It didn't help that the blonde seemed to be still unconscious. A few seconds later, Gaara decided to think of his friend as 'asleep', since the blonde chose that moment to mutter something about homosexual porn and turnip powers.
Gaara whimpered, left to think inside the dark space, alone, with only his perverted thoughts to occupy him…
Like Naruto, out of the box, sprawled on his back on the couch, flushed-
Gaara twitched at his thoughts, then shook his head. He was about to say something out loud, because you can solve all your problems by talking to yourself, until he felt a small movement next to him.
Naruto started to wake up. Gaara didn't want him to wake up, because then he'd feel Gaara's little problem, and the redhead didn't want that.
Naruto gripped Gaara as he tried to stretch, yawning.
Gaara froze. Naruto's hand was in a very bad place. Very bad place indeed. The redhead whimpered as the surprised blonde gave a small squeeze.
"Gaara? Is that you?" the teen squeezed again. Gaara whimpered once more.
"What IS that?" Naruto frowned in the darkness surrounding them and started to tug on Gaara's groin. The redhead could see only one way out before something really, really embarrassing happened.
"It's a… spider…"
Silence.
Then a girly shriek. Naruto started to flail around in the cramped space, trying hard to get away from the imaginary spider. Gaara tried to stay as far away as he could from the violent blonde, but there was no escaping.
Gaara was punched in the balls.
He whimpered and curled in on himself, muttering, "The spider is gone, Naru."
Naruto stopped. He touched Gaara's shoulder gently, hearing the redhead's slightly strained breathing.
"Y-You okay, Gaara? The spider didn't bite you, did it?"
"Oh, lookie, I see colors! Oh, and are those stars? Pretty…"
Naruto? I think you managed to hit Gaara hard enough to make him delirious…
"I did WHAT now?"
You punched him in the balls. Didn't you notice?
"No…"
"Ooh, pretty flowers…" Gaara muttered and tried to lift his hand above him.
"GAARA! I'm so sorry fo-"
CLICK!
………………….
GASP! What shall happen next? Find out next time on "Lemons, lemons, the most marvelous fruit"!
Wait… Wrong title…
Oh, well, you get the point.
And what other surprises will the two boys in a box that used to be filled with dildos?
Who the heck are you?
Evil laughter sounded as the dark figure emerged from the shadows…
I'm the person who's going to make this fanfiction a little bit more interesting.
…………………
Bet'cha didn't see that coming, eh?
So, underline- text by LURVEuALL.
Underline Italics- spoken text by LURVEuALL.
So, yah. Review, peeps!
(PS: I have no idea what peeps means. If you find yourself insulted by that, then I'M NOT GUILTY! Blame the society!)
