"Shut the door behind you, Potter," Snape ordered, and Harry did as he was told with a horrible feeling of imprisoning himself. When he turned back into the room, Snape had moved into the light and was pointing silently at the chair opposite his desk. Harry sat down and so did Snape, his cold black eyes fixed unblinkingly upon Harry with dislike etched in every line on his face.
"Well, Potter, you know why you are here," he said, "The Headmaster has asked me to teach you Occlumency. I can only hope that you prove more adept at it than at Potions."
"Right," Harry said tersely, his head trying to remind him of something. Something important…
"This may not be an ordinary class, Potter," said Snape, his eyes narrowed malevolently, "but I am still your teacher and you will therefore call me 'sir' or 'Professor' at all times."
"Yes…sir," said Harry.
"Now, Occlumency. As I told you back in your dear godfather's kitchen, this branch of magic seals the mind against magical intrusion and influence," Snape informed him smoothly.
"And why does Professor Dumbledore think I need it, sir?" Harry asked, looking directly into Snape's eyes and wondering whether the Potions Master would answer.
Snape looked back at him for a moment and then said contemptuously, "Surely even you could have worked that out by now, Potter? The Dark Lord is highly skilled at Legilimency-" but Harry interrupted him.
"What's that? Sir?" he asked curiously, tacking on the last word as an afterthought.
"It is the ability to extract feelings and memories from another person's mind-" Snape began, and was again cut off by the Boy-Who-Lived.
"He can read minds?!" Harry nearly shrieked, his eyes widening in horror, but Snape only sneered.
"You have no subtlety, Potter, nor do you understand the fine distinctions. It is one of the shortcomings that makes you such a lamentable potion-maker," he quipped, but Harry only rolled his eyes.
"Actually, that's because of your complete inability to actually teach, but please continue," Harry implored with a dazzling smile. Snape had to blink quickly to keep from going blind, even though there wasn't actually much light for Harry's teeth to reflect.
"Right," Snape growled, obviously annoyed and thrown out of the mood to explain as he stood up and took out his wand. He smirked at Harry's flinch, but merely raised his wand to his temple and drew out a strand of memory. He flicked the silvery substance into a Pensieve and repeated twice more, picking the shallow bowl up and placing it on a shelf out of the way.
He then faced Harry and snapped, "Stand, Potter, and take out your wand!"
Harry quickly complied, standing uncertainly as Snape composed his thoughts. "I am going to attempt to penetrate your mental defences with Legilimency," he told the boy without further preamble, "You may use whatever power you possess to stop me. I have been told that you are at least somewhat competent at throwing off the Imperius Curse, and so you will be grateful to know that this is similar to that. Now…brace yourself. Legilimens!"
Snape had struck before Harry was ready, before he could even think about thinking about thinking about summoning some form of resistance. The office swam in front of his eyes and vanished, image after image racing through his mind like a blinding film reel.
He was five, watching Dudley riding a new red bicycle with jealousy…
He was nine, being chased up the tree by Ripper…
He was sitting under the Sorting Hat, being told he would be great in Slytherin…
And then, through some great universal prank (the Weasley twins were infecting it, he was sure), Snape chose to focus on the memory of Umbridge's detention.
And that's when something inside him, something that hadn't had time to heal since then …snapped.
And then crumbled.
And then was set on fire.
The scene immediately shifted to a place of stuffy darkness, and Snape found himself shoved into a tiny space with no way out and no way to see. Harry, who was watching through the one-way walls from his place standing on…well, nothing, watched in fascination as light only he could see revealed him to be in...
Oh ho ho ho, this was gonna be fun.
He smiled evilly and closed his eyes, wondering if he could…maybe just…
"BOY! Get up and make breakfast!" Vernon roared, unlocking the door of the cupboard under the stairs and pulling 'Harry' out by his greasy hair. Harry stepped out of sight around the doorframe before Snape could catch sight of him, not entirely trusting his own mind to keep him hidden from the most likely irate Potions Master.
"What are you blathering about, you bumbling oaf?" Snape demanded, but this proved to be the wrong thing to say as Vernon backhanded him across the face.
"No backtalk! Get in the kitchen and cook breakfast!" Vernon roared again, and Snape narrowed his eyes before going for his wand.
'Oh…oops,' Harry thought with a laugh, looking down at the wand clutched in his hand.
"Potter! Get out here! Show yourself!" Snape yelled, completely ignoring the purpling beluga whale in front of him, but was stunned when Vernon grabbed him by the back of his cloak.
"I said MAKE BREAKFAST!" Vernon all but screamed, spittle flying onto Snape's face before he was quite literally thrown into the kitchen. He picked himself up off the floor, throwing a disdainful 'hmmph' at Petunia Dursley before crossing to the back door and heaving it open to see the front hall.
Indeed, through the doorway he could see himself looking at himself looking at himself looking at…well, you get the picture.
"Breakfast! Now!" Petunia screeched, thrusting a pan into Snape's hands and pushing him toward the stove. He growled, seized the woman, and opened the oven door.
He was fully intent on stuffing her inside, but the moment he opened it a miniature centaur bounded out.
It quickly grew to normal size in front of Snape's astonished eyes and picked the wizard up easily, slinging the man over his shoulder as he trotted to the front hall and up the stairs to Petunia and Vernon's bedroom.
Harry watched with gleeful eyes as the Potions Master was dragged up the stairs kicking and screaming, grinning at Snape and pushing the scenario into his mind (along with a psyche-lock, ensuring he couldn't escape before it was over). Then he waved cheerfully and vanished from the scene.
"Mr. Potter," Minerve McGonagall said, wary to approach the boy after the whole Umbridge fiasco, "I abhor having to do this, but I must ask…where is Professor Snape? Nobody has seen him since yesterday."
Harry looked up from his breakfast and blinked, then glanced at the rest of the hall and stood up. He made his way to the front of the room and held his hands up for quiet. Then, with a solemn look on his face, he hefted his goblet high and said loudly, "A toast, to Professor Snape."
The students and staff looked confused, but nonetheless raised their goblets in Snape's honor. As they sipped their drinks in reverence of the fallen man, Harry said sadly, "Tragically raped by a centaur while trying to teach me Occlumency."
Half the first through third years fainted, the other half started coughing and fell to the ground with red faces, the fourth through sixth years spat their drinks all over themselves and each other, and the seventh years calmly resumed their breakfast. They were used to this sort of thing by now…
