Hey People

I know, I'm a horrible author...I haven't updated for years!! (exaggeration i know)

But i really just got time today to write

So here's my christmas present you all...or Hanukkah and belated Eid.

I hope i can update by New Years!!

Anyways guys enjoy...thing look a bit better


I couldn't breathe for a moment as I digested the information Athrun just told me.

Chloe died…

I couldn't believe it…there was no way…I spent nine months with her inside me…waiting for her…there was no way she could just leave me like that! She was a fighter!

"Athrun," I cried out weakly. Right now I needed him more then anything.

I sniffed and with difficulty manage to sit up. I reached out for the glass of water beside me, but it slipped my hands, breaking into fragments on the tiled floor. I let out a ragged breath seeing the pieces on the floor. My life could just break like that. I pulled at the wires on my body and took them out one by one. I stood on my feet and wobbly reached the door. I saw Athrun on a bench, his face covered by his hands.

I fell in front of him, breathing with difficulty and pulled on his knees.

He let out a shaken breath and that's when I noticed the tears on his cheek.

I sat back finally registering.

"She's really gone?" I whispered

"Everyone tried their hardest Cagalli," Athrun said, and placed his hands on my cheek, our forehead connected.

I covered my mouth from the sobs about to erupt and took in another realization.

Athrun looked up at me and stared for the longest time. My lips trembled as Athrun pulled me into his arms.

"I'm sorry," he whispered, "For everything I said, I was hurting too."

I remained motionless staring at the wall in front.

"Talk to me," Athrun said, "Please."

"I killed her didn't I?" I said letting out a few tears.

"God no, Cagalli," Athrun said hugging me, "please, don't take what I said seriously…it was just an angry moment."

"I killed her Athrun," I cried her, "I killed our daughter."

I was frantic.

"No you didn't," Athrun yelled at me, "It was an accident."

"I put myself in front of the car," I said

"To save Stellar," Athrun said, "You saved two lives."

"At the price of my daughter," I said crying into his chest, "Our baby Athrun."

Athrun released his strong front upon hearing those three words and cried with me. We both really just needed each other.

After a while I whispered, "I should have listened to you."

"Cagalli don't start that again," Athrun said, with his eyes closed looking peaceful.

"If I had stayed home, this wouldn't have happened," I said

"Cagalli there will be many 'ifs' but there is nothing you can do to change it okay…you have to accept the fact," Athrun said, "I told you we'll be okay. Everything will be okay."

"But I heard her cry Athrun," I said, "I saw her right in front of my eyes. How could she have died?"

"Her heart collapsed Cagalli," Athrun said, "The doctor said there was nothing they could have done."

"Did you see her?" I asked

Athrun nodded and said, "I saw her as they covered her with a white sheet. She has your hair."

I couldn't help the tears that came into my eyes.

"I want to see her…just this last time," I said

"They already took her away Cagalli," Athrun said.

"Please, I won't be able to move on if I don't see her," I said.

"I'll try Cagalli, but her burial is tomorrow, Vera and Kira are arranging it," Athrun, "It might be too late."

"I don't care," I said, "I have to see her."

"Why are you being so stubborn," Athrun said

I felt my heart sting at the words and realized that he was right. Wasn't it my stubbornness that caused our daughter's death?

I didn't realize the black around me until Athrun called out my name and realized that I was bleeding profusely.

I awoke in pain and grief. It felt like my insides had been torn and my heart ripped into pieces. I could barely open my eyes, groggy and in a trance of some sort I looked up at the bright light on top of me.

I looked ahead to see a man put stitches on me.

"What's going on?" I croaked out.

"How did she wake up nurse?" the doctor asked the lady, "Didn't you give her enough anesthetic."

The nurse looked confused and said, "I gave more then enough."

"What happened?" I asked worrying.

"Someone calms her down," the doctor roared, "She's starting to bleed again."

I felt another needle on my side and was knocked out cold.

I felt like crap the next time I got up. My abdomen was quivering, my body was shivering. Sweat was perspiring generously off me. Weakness was the only thing I could register. I ached everywhere. I felt a cool hand on my sweltering forehead and then go to my cheek. I leaned into the touch, knowing instantly who it was. I felt his hand slip into mine and I fell back to sleep.

I wasn't shivering when I got up; my eyes heavy, as I managed to lift my lids open and adjust to my surrounding. My throat felt like sandpapers as I tried to swallow in some sand. I let out a soft moan of pain. The lights were open and a nurse came in checking my stats.

She noticed that I was awake and helped me drink some water.

"What happened?" I said in a hoarse tone.

The nurse smiled sadly and said, "I'm not sure if I should be the one you that."

"Please," I said, "Just tell me."

"Your uterus inflamed and was bleeding quite severely, I'm afraid we had to take it out," she said.

"What?" I choked out, "How did it happen?"

"Overexertion of your body Mrs. Zala," the nurse said, "You weren't supposed to get out of bed."

"Does that mean…" I said trailing off.

"I'm afraid so," the nurse said, "I'm sorry Mrs. Zala; you can never become a mother again."

"Umm…" I said, "Does my husband know?"

"He left while you went to sleep to check on your son," she said, "I don't believe so."

"Okay," I said, "Do you mind if I can be left alone for a while?"

She shook her head and said, "Please press the button if you need anything, and you are forbidden to get up miss. Even if you have to go to the washroom, someone carries you ok."

I nodded as she left.

I felt my head hurt as I lay back on the pillow, my mind swirling with thoughts.

How was I going to survive?

I forced myself to go back to sleep before I did anything stupid.

When I awoke it was to Athrun's brushing my hair with his hand and his eyes looking into mine.

"Morning," he said in a husky, tired voice.

I could only nod back before I felt water in my eyes and as soon as they escaped I was being soothed.

"Why does everything bad happen to us?" I mumbled into Athrun's shirt, soaked in my tears.

Athrun let out a small laugh and said, "It's because everyone can't stand the fact that we are still happy no matter what's thrown in our way."

"It's not fair," I said

"I know angel," he said, "But it'll be okay, I promise you. The three of us will be a family."

"I wanted her so bad," I said looking up at Athrun, "I wanted Chloe so much."

"So did I, Cagalli," Athrun said, "Who wouldn't want their child Cagalli, but fate wants something else."

"How's Aiden?" I asked

"He's a very understanding child," Athrun said with a bit of shock, "He took it better then me and you combined."

I nodded and said, "He's our child…of course he's better then we are…he took all our good traits."

Athrun nodded and said, "I had this odd feeling that he knew something."

I looked at Athrun and said, "Did he cry?"

Athrun shook his head, "He didn't really say anything."

I felt a bit worried and said, "Can you bring him here?"

Athrun said, "He went to sleep."

"Oh," I said, "When am I getting out?"

"Soon I hope," he said, "You've been here for weeks."

"Weeks!" I said loudly, "I missed her funeral!"

Athrun nodded and said, "I know you wanted to go."

"It's okay," I said defeated sitting back on my bed, tears pricking me eyes. I missed my last chance to be with our daughter.

"Her casket was closed," Athrun said, "I didn't go either."

I looked at Athrun and said, "Why?"

"I wanted to go with you," Athrun said, "I couldn't do it alone."

My eyes softened and instead of Athrun hugging me, I took him into my arms. Athrun let out a shagged breath and I couldn't help but think how selfish I was. Athrun was just as hurt with our daughter gone and while I had him to soothe me, he really had no one. I realized that I hadn't been a fulfilling wife. But I wanted to take care of Athrun and I would start now.

"It's okay," I said kissing Athrun's jaw, "We'll go together."

"When did the sides switch?" Athrun asked

"When I learned how much you need me as well," I said

Athrun smiled and said, "All the time."

Athrun kissed me releasing his sad emotions. His mouth twisted gentle, his tongue prowling for a taste of me. I made no sound but a simple squeak as my arms wrapped around his neck. He delivered succulent delight from each of my sensitive nerves. Athrun tasted lightly, towing then plunged his tongue. His hands cradled me and I found nothing but comfort in them.

I broke apart placing me head on his shoulder with a sigh. Athrun kissed my neck once and said, "Time to go home."

"Will home ever be the same?" I asked, "Her room."

Athrun kissed my forehead and said, "Do you want to keep it?"

I nodded and said, "I'll have something to remember her by."

"You'll never move on Cagalli," he said, "It'll hurt more."

"I'll be alright," I said, "Let's just go home please."

"Sure," Athrun said, "Let me go ask your doctor."

Athrun left the room and I finally let out the breath I was holding. I didn't know why but everything felt so surreal. I just didn't seem possible that all this happened. Something was missing. I couldn't seem to accept anything. Probably because I still believed that the accident didn't happen.

"Hey," Athrun called out snapping my thoughts back to reality

"Doctor said your tests came out fine. We can go home whenever you want," he said kissing my forehead.

"Athrun," I said softly, "Will you tell me something honestly."

"Of course," he said holding my hands.

"You still love me right?" I asked looking into his eyes for any sign of hate or dislike, but I didn't see any.

"I never stopped Cagalli," Athrun said, "I've learned my lesson from the past, there is no way anything you could do to make me ever stop loving you."

"I love you too," I said, "And I'm so sorry."

Athrun and said, "I'd forgive you a thousand times and more. I'm happy Cagalli, as long as you're with me."

"Then let's go home," I said, "I want to sleep on a real bed."

Athrun laughed and said, "I have your stuff ready in the car. You have to put on some clothes."

"Eager to see me naked?" I teased

"It's been far too long," Athrun said taking out sweat pants from a bag, a tank top and a sweater of his.

After he helped me change, Athrun helped me stand up and practice moving around a bit.

With his aid I walked to the car.

"Where's Aiden?" I asked

"With everyone at home," Athrun said.

I clenched my fist lightly, worried about everyone's reaction.

"They were all worried sick, Stellar the most," Athrun said, "Her baby's premature and just came out of the ICU a few days ago."

"Was it a girl?" I asked

Athrun nodded and said, "Blonde with maroon eyes."

I put my head back and sighed, at the pain in my heart. Stellar's child would always remind me of what I lost.

"I don't think I can face her yet," I said.

Athrun nodded stopping in front of our manor and said, "I know, but you aren't making this easier for yourself. Stellar blames herself for everything."

"Well that's kind of stupid," I said

"Then why don't you want to meet her?" he asked, "In a way you do blame her."

"It was my choice to push her," I said, "And I'll meet her."

"I think you need you," Athrun said.

He parked the car in the garage and I got out and started pacing around a bit.

"What are you so worried about?" he asked, holding me by the waist.

"I don't know," I said stuffing my face in his chest, "Just everything."

"Cagalli don't you dare expect that you'll get over Chloe and this experience in a day. That would be inhumanly impossible. The pain will always be there and it might even take years before you admit to yourself that Chloe is truly gone, but I want you to know Cagalli, that we'll do this together. Don't leave me here alone," he whispered.

I nodded and said, "It all seems unbelievable."

Athrun guided me upstairs, where it was eerily quiet.

"Mama," Aiden's voice rang through the halls as he walked to me with a small smile.

I held our son in my arms holding him tightly, knowing he knew what I was going through.

"It's okay Mama," he said kissing my cheek, "Chloe is still here."

I didn't know how to respond to that, but Athrun came took up both in his arms and said, "He is right Cagalli. Wherever Chloe is, she's still here in our heart."

"I feel like the kid here," I said, "And I know."

Soon I was given words of comfort by everyone. I believe Athrun filled them in on the other incident.

Shinn was the easiest to face surprisingly.

"I really don't know what to say Cagalli," he started off

"You really don't have to," I said, "I'm fine."

"Will you be quiet," Shinn asked with an exasperated look.

"Sorry go on," I said

"Okay," he said letting out a breath, "In all seriousness, there are really no words I can say to express how grateful I am for what you did for me, Stellar and our baby. I don't think anyone, even the purest of heart, could commit to doing something of such great sacrifice like you did. I would bow down and kiss your feet, because that how thankful I am that you found someplace in your heart to do what you did for my family. However, whatever I do or say could not even compare even if I tried to my whole life. I really do from the bottom of my heart, wished that you didn't have to lose Chloe. I wish the circumstances would have been different, and a life didn't have to be taken. And looking at my daughter will always remind me of Chloe, Cagalli. And I'll never forget what you did for us."

"Shinn," I said tears streaming my eyes and his, "Thank you."

He laughed and said, "Don't thank me Cagalli, please."

"No," I said shaking my head, "I really needed to hear that. It makes me feel a bit better."

Shinn nodded and said, "Now that I've officially indebted to you, and looked like a cry baby, I think I need to drink some water."

I patted his shoulder and said, "Your welcome."

Athrun came over to wipe my tears and said, "Well that was better then I had expected."

"I'm going kill my tear ducts at this rate," I said, "Did Shinn rehearse that."

Athrun shrugged and said, "Wouldn't know."

"Where's Stellar?" I asked

"She's in her room," Athrun said hesitantly.

"Okay," I said, "Perfect…watch my back will you."

"Always," Athrun said


Well things seem to be getting along nicely

Athrun really was just heartbroken...i mean any father would right?

Anyways I do have very nice plans for this story

Or nice can be translated into many ways...especially for me

i think we'll have a five year break...I wonder if you guys remember the message Cagalli got in Memories.

Oh and the five quotes, which first made no sense, but now you're getting them...hmm i probably am going to change some of them

"Mommy, I'm going to die right, please kill me now, I want to die by your hands."

"I'm sorry Mrs. Zala; your child didn't make it. You can never become a mother again." CHECK

"I'd rather die then ever think that a person as despicable as could ever be even called a mother." (most likely won't happen)

"Cagalli, I'm sorry," Athrun said and feel to the ground motionless.

"And that was the end," I thought.

Anyways in process of figuring out next chapter

till then

Samera...can i reviews for presents? Spirt of Christmas :D looking hopeful here