Hello everyone! This is the final installment of "Broken When I'm Open." I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it! Yes, it is a bit late and I apologize. As you may have read on my profile, My cat Danny was put to sleep on Nov 14th. He was only two and a half and I miss him dearly.
Thank you for your understanding.
Thank you to all who reviewed, fav'd, or alerted'd. Your support really encouraged me to keep writing! A million thank you's to everyone! THANK YOU!
Today's quote is from Sir James M. Barrie (I have no clue who that is...)
Chapter 7 is rated T+ for mild language and... situations...
I do not own -man. It is owned by the people who own it.
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If you have it [Love], you don't need to have anything else, and if you don't have it, it doesn't matter much what else you have.
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"Goodbye... Allen"
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"Hm... I still feel cold." Allen thought to himself as he opened his eyes. He was tucked into an unfamiliar bed in what he recognized to be the Black Order's infirmary. He looked slowly around the room as his eyes adjusted to the darkness. A small clock hanging on the wall opposite him read 12:56. "It's the middle of the night... That would explain why there was no one around." Allen stared up at the ceiling and tried to recall what had happened to put him in the sick bed. His memories were sort of a hazy, indistinguishable blur. He remembered feeling cold though. Very cold. He felt just as cold now as he had then... whenever 'then' was... Allen shut his eyes and tried to focus. He could hear the slow, dull thump of his beating heart in his ears. He began to inhale deeply to clear the stale air out of his lungs only to feel a clenching pain in this chest. He looked down and saw that his torso was tightly bandaged.
"Don't you remember!? You got stabbed-"
Allen's eyes flew open at the sudden recollection. "Kanda..." He whispered.
"Baka!"
"-I feel sick just looking at you!"
"-I would have let you die."
Allen was now feeling very short of breath. Tears began to flow involuntarily down his pale face and sobs echoed throughout the empty infirmary. He wished someone had been there with him when he woke up, and even after everything, he wished that someone was Kanda. "Oh God, I want to see him so much!" He said in a raspy voice. Allen shook as he tried to suppress his sobs and stop the warm, salty liquid from pouring down his face.
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Kanda lay awake in his room staring at the dirty gray ceiling. He had given Komui the Mission Report and found out more about what had happened...
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"Lansing Town was taken over by Akuma a while ago, but being such a remote and secluded city it went unnoticed by the Order... especially with the amount of attacks on the rise elsewhere. When that town became empty the Akuma moved away from it to surrounding ones in order to find more 'victims.' However, when you and Allen arrived, they were drawn to your innocence and flocked back all at once." Komui explained.
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Kanda turned onto his side and his thoughts began to wander to Allen. Even though he knew Allen was safe and would live despite his injury, Kanda just couldn't get the white haired boy out of his mind. Allen had remained unconscious during the trip back to Head Quarters and now, two days later, he was still out of it. Even though Kanda wanted him to wake up so he would know if he was truly alright, he was very nervous as well. How would the Moyashi act around him? Kanda was sure he would hate him... maybe never even speak to him again. "That's what I wanted, but... Ugh! No buts!" Kanda scolded himself, "I can't have anything to do with Allen ever again! I just... can't..." He clenched his fists and bit his lip in frustration. "...Dammit..."
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The next day Allen awoke to see Lenalee and Lavi smiling down on him. He jumped slightly from surprise. "A-ah..."
"Good morning, Allen!" Lenalee beamed.
"G-Good Morning." Allen stuttered while trying to paste a smile on his face that wouldn't look completely fake.
"Glad you're finally awake, Allen!"
"Thanks..."
"..."
"Are you okay Allen? You seem a bit..." Lenalee paused and shot Allen a worried look.
"Oh! I'm fine! I'm just a bit hungry, that's all!" Allen piped up.
"Then let's go to the cafeteria!" Lavi chimed.
"Mm!"
Allen began to sit up only to have a certain pain in his chest remind him he'd been put through the equivalent of a life-size hole-puncher. "Ah!" he winced.
"I'm afraid Mr. Walker wont be going anywhere for at least one week and he won't be going on missions for another three after that." A nearby nurse stated firmly. "We can't risk his injury getting worse or reopening. He's already lost a lot of blood and it will take time for his body to make more."
"Hm? How much did he lose?" Lavi asked.
"About one and a half litres... For someone Mr. Walker's size, that's around one third of his blood." The nurse answered before turning her attention to Allen, "You're very fortunate that Mr. Kanda managed to stop the flow when he did."
Kanda's words flooded back to Allen, "...if it were up to me... I would have let you die." Allen looked down to avoid the others' gaze. He wanted to cry and scream into his pillow but only clenched his fists and bit his lip. "...Dammit..." He thought dejectedly.
"A-Allen?"
"...I-"
"Well, visiting hours are over. I'm going to have to ask you to leave. He needs his rest."
"O-Of course... See you later, Allen."
"Bye' Allen!"
"..."
With that, Allen was left alone with his thoughts once more.
As night began to fall, Allen found himself mulling over his current predicament again and again in his head and the more he did, the more desolate he felt. "I really thought he was beginning to like me... How could I be so stupid? How could I let him get to me!? He's always been such a jerk to me so... why does it hurt so much now? It's not fair! He-He's such a bastard! Damn him... Kanda... Why does it hurt!? Could I still... After everything... I..." Allen took a deep breath and shuffled toward the edge of his bed. He turned and placed his feet on the icy, tile floor and felt a shiver go up his spine. He knew he shouldn't be moving, but he had to talk to Kanda. It was that simple. Allen didn't care about the possible consequences or the danger to his health. None of that mattered anymore.
It was around 3:00AM when Allen left his room in the infirmary. He couldn't take any chances of being seen. "Even the nurses should be asleep at this hour..." He mused to himself. He was right too. No one was around when he peeked out from his room. He was a bit shaky on his feet but his chest didn't hurt too much... It just felt heavy. "Must be all the pain killers I'm on." He mumbled to himself. All in all however, he didn't feel too bad. "That nurse must have been exaggerating!" Kanda was near the top of the Black Order though... and that was a long way from where Allen was currently stationed. Huff, "I can do it."
Allen slowly crept out of the infirmary and began to climb the maze of stairs that lay before him finding it much more difficult than he had previously anticipated. Breathing, though not painful, was arduous and took quite a bit of effort and climbing a few flights of stairs felt like running a marathon. The British teen wanted nothing more than to collapse on the cold, stone floor but he feared that if he even so much as sat down he wouldn't be able to rise again.
Huff...
Huff...
"Only a little further..." Allen told himself reassuringly. He tried to think of something other than the daunting climb still ahead of him. "Kanda... What should I say to him? I haven't really given it much thought... What if he gets mad? This may be a convenient time for me to walk around but he's probably fast asleep... Damn! I- He- Maybe I should go back..." Allen paused and looked around. He was only three flights of stairs away from the irritable exorcist's room and the thought of having to trek all the way back down to the infirmary made his stomach turn. "W-What the hell am I worried about!? Who cares if he's mad!? I'll just tell him off and be done with it! H-Ha ha ha..."
Allen was clinging hard onto the railing and practically dragging himself up the stairs by this point. Beads of sweat ran down his face. Normally, when one over exerts themselves their faces flush a reddish colour but Allen's was rather pale. He could feel his heart rate go up as he steadily inched closer to the foreboding, black door.
Huff...
HUFF...
Allen raised his hand took a deep breath before tapping his knuckles softly against the painted wood.
Tap, tap, tap!
Inside, Kanda opened his eyes. He hadn't been able to fall asleep and was feeling tired and frustrated that Allen was getting to him so much. He was definitely not in the mood for company. The samurai sat up from his bed and peered angrily at his clock. "Who the hell is knocking on my door at this hour!?" He debated momentarily whether or not he should even answer, "Maybe some idiot Finder got some room numbers mixed up." But when he heard the knock come again, and louder this time, he figured that probably wasn't the case and he was mildly curious as to who had the guts to wake him up at 3:00AM. Kanda got to his feet and walked toward the door.
Allen's feelings of uneasiness doubled when he heard the door knob turn and tripled when he was met with an all too familiar glare.
"M-Moyashi!?" Kanda said just a bit too loudly considering the time.
"Kanda... I- Ah-!" Allen stuttered as he was grabbed by the shirt and flung gracelessly into the Japanese man's room. He tried to steady himself but fell head first onto Kanda's bed. His little "expedition" had left him feeling light-headed and sick and he would have loved to just drift off to sleep in the warm, Kanda-scented sheets that lay strewn around him but he turned instead to face the seething man behind him. "U-Uh- Um- Kanda... I..."
"He's okay!? He's really okay!" Kanda inwardly rejoiced, but upon closer inspection, he realized the Moyashi was far from 'okay'. Kanda didn't know the specifics of Allen's injury but he knew he probably shouldn't be climbing up thirty flights of stairs at three in the morning. "What the hell are you doing here!?" Kanda shouted making sure all the concern in his voice was masked by annoyance.
"I- I-" Allen's mind went blank. Kanda was indeed mad, and he didn't even have a good excuse for bothering him.
"Dammit Allen! You better not have woken me up at 3:00AM for nothing!" Kanda lied, for he hadn't actually been sleeping. "You never think do you!? That's why you're such a baka, Moyashi!"
Allen cringed. "Why does he...?" At that moment he'd figured it out. He knew what he needed to ask even though he was afraid of the answer.
"...And you're always-"
"Kanda."
The swordsman stopped mid rant and turned his attention to Allen.
"Why do you hate me?"
"..."
"Well?"
Kanda backed away slightly from Allen. The white haired boys gray eyes focused sadly on his own dark ones. How could he tell him!? It was too hard to explain so Kanda remained silent.
"...Fine..." Allen whispered. "I'll never leave myself open again!" Allen stood up, eyes lowered and shoved past Kanda toward the door. "I can't do this anymore..."
Kanda froze. "What does he mean..?" Without thinking, he grabbed Allen's arm.
"What did you mean by that, Moyashi?"
"Don't you get it!? I-I love you. I love you so much it hurts!" Tears Allen had been trying so hard to hold back trickled down his cheeks, "But I get it now, okay? You can't even stand to look at me, right!? YOU WISH I WAS DEAD, RIGHT!? Now let me-"
"That's not it."
"...What are you talking about?"
"Dammit Allen! You don't get it! You don't get it at all! But... I didn't want you to..."
"Kanda... What are you saying?"
"I don't hate you! I-I-I..." This was the first time Kanda had ever really felt at a loss for words. A rosy blush crept its way across his beautiful, handsome face. "...I'm in love with you, Allen."
All Allen could do was stare. How could this be happening?
"But..." Kanda turned away from the innocent face and looked despairingly at the floor. "But... I don't deserve you. You're a good person Allen. No, you're better than good! Whenever I see you, you're smiling. You help everyone even if it means neglecting yourself!" Kanda clenched his fists. There was no going back now. Everything was out in the open like it should be, and should've been from the start. "Being around you made me realize what a selfish bastard I am! I'd see you and see everything I'm not and... and I hated it! But that light inside you that exposed all my flaws kept drawing me in... Allen, you're pure and innocent and you don't even realize it! And... I love that about you. I can't lie to myself anymore."
"But I-"
"Stop, Allen! Don't you see!?" Kanda spun around and gripped Allen's small, delicate shoulders with quivering hands. "Someone like you deserves so much better than me! THAT'S WHY I SAID THOSE THINGS! It was for your own good! The more distance between us the happier you'll be and... that's all I want. I want you to be happy... I-I..."
Before Kanda could say any more Allen had him locked in a tight embrace. "What are you doing? Weren't you listening? I don't-"
"It's not up to you. Don't decide for me what I do and don't deserve. There's no such thing as 'better than you.' Not to me. I love you, Kanda. I can't live without you! Please don't say such things, just stay with me always!" Allen hugged himself closer to the tentative swordsman and rested his head on his chest.
Kanda had never felt so conflicted. Allen, the one he loved and wanted to protect more than anything in the world was saying he returned his feelings. He wanted nothing more than to stay by the small exorcist's side and keep him safe from danger, but... what if he couldn't? What if he failed? Allen had already gotten hurt once because of his carelessness and he wouldn't be able to live with himself if it happened again. "But... I couldn't protect you."
Allen looked up at Kanda. He knew there was no way to convince him that what had happened to him hadn't been his fault. "I guess you owe me one then." The British teen gave him a reassuring smile.
Kanda paused and wiped a stray tear from Allen's cheek, "Only if you'll let me." He said and smiled back. It was the most beautiful smile Allen had ever seen.
"Mm!" Allen suddenly felt one of Kanda's arms wrap round his slender waist and a warm hand cup his face. He could feel his heart beat faster and his body tingle as Kanda leaned in and kissed him. It was like nothing he'd ever experienced. A delightful pink stained his cheeks and he felt warm and safe. Kanda's lips were surprisingly soft and Allen could tell he was already addicted to the feeling. He couldn't contain his happiness as he kissed back.
When Allen put his own arms around Kanda's neck, the Japanese man seemed to take it as a cue to go further. He carefully parted Allen's lips with his own and slicked his tongue over Moyashi's. This new feeling made Allen feel a bit nervous at first but Kanda was very gentle. He seemed to be trying his best to make Allen feel comfortable and not overstep any unspoken boundaries. He succeeded. Allen had never felt more secure; more loved. He couldn't suppress the butterflies he felt in his stomach. He wanted this moment to last forever... but his thirty-story escapade didn't come without a price. A sudden light-headed feeling swept over Allen and he would have fallen to his knees if Kanda hadn't been holding him.
"Allen, what's wrong!?" Kanda carefully lowered his Moyashi to the floor and crouched down beside him.
"Nothing, nothing! I'm just not supposed to move for a week!"
Kanda smacked his palm to his forehead and slid his hand down his face in a 'you're-an-idiot' type gesture. "Che. Once a Baka Moyashi, always a Baka Moyashi." He said mockingly.
Allen tried to pout but his cuteness shone through and spoiled his attempt. Kanda blushed slightly and looked to the side in a pathetic effort to try and hide it.
"Come on. I'll carry you back down."
"..."
"Oi. What's the matter?"
"N-Nothing! It's just that... Um... Co-Could I maybe... stay here tonight?" Allen whispered whilst fiddling with his fingers.
"..."
"I'm sorry! Forget I asked! I didn't- Ah!" Allen gasped as he found himself being lifted bridal style off the ground and being dumped unceremoniously onto Kanda's bed. He stared bewildered at the older exorcist who nonchalantly began undressing right in front of him.
"GAH! What are you doing!?" Allen yelped and covered his eyes in embarrassment.
"Che. Relax Moyashi. You may already be in your pajamas but I'm not."
The cursed teen looked down at his attire. He was indeed in his nightwear. He'd completely forgotten to change before going to visit Kanda. When he looked up again he saw the beautiful raven-haired man standing over him, dark strands that used to be suspended by a hair-tie hung by his sides and he wore nothing but shorts and a plain, white T-shirt. He carefully climbed into bed beside Allen and faced him. "Aren't you going to lie down?"
"Ah- Y-Yes!" Allen lay down beside Kanda and turned toward him. They were so close. Only a few inches apart at the most. The butterflies in his stomach fluttered wildly but he felt calm. He found Kanda's hand under the sheets and clasped it in his own. He leaned over and kissed the man once more and inched over so close they were touching. Kanda blushed profusely but it was hidden by the darkness.
"I love you, Kanda."
"I love you too, Allen. Always."
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~Fin
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So there you have it! I hope you liked the ending! This was so much fun to write! I never expected my first fic (or any future fics) to get so many wonderful reviews!
Thank you!
This is the last chappie and I would love to hear what everyone thought!
~Please review even if you've never reviewed before!
It would make me very happy!
Until next time!
P.S. I may right a little "six months later" continuation so I wont mark this story as complete quite yet.
