I do not claim ownership of the Twilight Saga. These are short chapters, drabbles really that I will try to update daily. I have no idea how long it will be. This is my very first attempt at writing.

Long work day 14 hours,, whew! , anyway here is today's update, got it in before midnight

It's long, hopefully that make up for the lateness and the typos, too spent to review, in my fatigue, I would read pass my errors as I know what I want to say my head is too mushy to proof read. i just came home and pounded this chapter out. Sleep needed.

Hope you all have a good night. On to Edward's POV and a glimpse into Bella and Edward's past.

Chapter 7

Edward

I don't how long I sit in this cramped bathroom, I breathe in and out thru my mouth taking really large gulps of air. I have not had a panic attack in about 4 years. I would most likely still be having them if it was not for Kate.

Kate, I should call her, but I am on a plane, not an option, I don't even have my anxiety medication with me as I have not needed it for a while. I could call her and have her call in a script for me or I think of my other options. I could ask my dad but this would only lead to questions, I could write my own, but it is not ethical to be writing my own scripts. I guess I will call Kate.

I feel better, the breathing helped and I have a plan, feeling better, I leave the bathroom & head back to my seat. Tanya looks concerned and asks if everything is ok?

I told her I needed to use the bathroom and I was fine. I grab my iPod and pretend to listen to music, but I don't turn it on. I order a gin and tonic and try to keep in that relaxed state.

"You are not ok "Tanya says, I pretend I don't hear, she grabs by head phone.

"What is going on Edward, you have been out of sorts, since we boarded the plane and now you are drinking?"

I don't answer, I grab my head phones back , this time I turn it on my IPod to drown out the her voice and my thoughts. Tanya looks angry and sad, I think but I am not sure , I can't deal with her questions right now, I am trying hard to stay focus in the present and not let the past swallow me up.

The stewardess arrives with my drink.

"What is your limit on alcoholic beverages for passengers". I ask

"6, providing you don't become too impaired" she says smiling.

"I guess I am behind", I say trying my hardest to sound relaxed and flirty, "better make this a triple "

"Sure thing" she says glancing over at Tanya as she leaves.

"Who is going to drive?" Tanya asks, I smile and say "I will, don't worry"

My drinks arrive, I slam them down, in a short while I am buzzed, I feel nothing, no that is not true my lips feel tingly. I order two more drinks and soon, I feeling nothing and all I hear is music.

Default is playing, the words wash over me, thru me

Maybe I missed you
Maybe it's true
Maybe I didn't do enough to hold onto you
Maybe you'll think back
On the good times we had
Maybe one day this feeling won't remind me of you

It took some time now, I know
It's a little too late
I'm in this world all alone
And now I see it's over
Out of time

I wish I never said goodbye
All the times I never tried
I couldn't find your love when I lost my way
But as time went on and on
I didn't know we were meant to be
Now I'm dying cuz I couldn't see
I threw it away
Now it's a little too late

It should have been easy
It seemed so hard
I could never see that we were better apart
I should have been the one to hold you
I should have been the one you run to
Turned around just in time to see you fade
A memory of you

It took some time now, I know
It's a little too late
I'm in this world all alone
And now I see it's over
Out of time

I wish I never said goodbye
All the times I never tried
I couldn't find your love when I lost my way
But as time went on and on
I didn't know we were meant to be
Now I'm dying cuz I couldn't see
I threw it away
Now it's a little too late

I remember when I said goodbye
I can`t forget the tears that you cried
I pretend that I was over you
I let you go and I don't know why

It took some time now, I know

I wish I never said goodbye
All the times I never tried
I couldn't find your love when I lost my way
But as time went on and on
I didn't know we were meant to be
Now I'm dying cuz I couldn't see
I threw it away
Now it's a little too late

Too late too late tool late
It's a little too late (too late, too late, too late)
It's a little too late (too late, too late, too late)
Now it's a little too late

If I could only go back in time, if I could only see her one more time, hear her voice one more time.

The last time she called, I was so desperate, angry, confused. It replays in my half drunk state.

January -6 years earlier.

She was begging, her voice soft, full of hurt and pain "please Edward, I promise I will pay you back, please"

"No", I said, "tell me where you are, you left and now you want me to help you, you can keep calling but I am not going to give you shit"

She has called me every day for the last four day asking to borrow $5000.00, leaving messages it was the first I had heard from her in 7 months, and to send it via western union. Today I stayed home all day, just to make sure I am here when she calls.

"Please Edward, I am begging, please, please", her voice cracking

"No, Bella, if you want it come and get it, it has been 7 months. 7 fucking months without a fucking word from you. You know where I live, the same fucking place you left, I am still here, but I guess you know that, cuz you sure as hell know where to call me, when you want something from me." Anger and hurt flowing thru me like liquid heat. I could hear crying in the back ground. I feel good, I want to hurt her back, I want to make her suffer and hurt as I have been. My life has been meaningless since she left.

"Edward, I…. I am''.

"You are what" I yell cutting her off, "Sorry, know what? I don't want to hear that shit, if you were sorry you would tell me, you would explain" I could hear her crying harder now, but it feels good to hurt her and I want to, I want to hurt her so badly because she hurt me. My hurt and rage mounting "you know what? you are so fucking fake, a cheat and a fucking whore, go back to where ever the fuck you crawled out from, I rage on, " I am happy you fucking left, it was the best thing you ever did for me, the very best thing, my life is better with you not in it and don't even think of calling my mom because she hates you too.

I hear the most heart wrenching cry as my words have done the deed, and then her pain becomes my pain. This is not right, I don't really want to hurt her, I want her back, I just want her back, that is all I want , please god, please somebody, anybody " Bella!,.. Bella! Bella I am sorry I didn't mean it", but it's like she can't hear me. All I hear is her whispers and whispering, then I was crying, because something is wrong, really wrong and I don't know where she is and I feel my like my heart is going to stop,I want her, I need her, I have to find her "BELLA! BELLA! , I am sorry, I am sorry, I love you, I love you, baby please , please" I am begging now. Nothing, no answer, only her whispers, I stop talking try to listen, it is a muffled, broken voice saying the same thing over and over " I can't do this anymore, I can't do this anymore, I can't do this anymore, I can't do this anymore" then line goes dead and my world implodes, shattering all around me, because I knew in that moment, the very second the line went dead, I had lost her.