A/N: A big thanks to everyone who reviewed last chapter. It really gave me confidence that what I wanted to say came across. It really helped me write this chapter too.
Also, you may have noticed that I changed my user name. That's because I got an account in Tumblr and wanted them to have the same name. I like it better too. So, if you're on Tumblr and want to follow, do check my profile.
As early as seven in the morning, his cell phone started ringing again. Not that it would wake him up. He couldn't sleep at all last night. Blaine wondered if Kurt instinctively knew that and that's why he'd kept calling until almost three in the morning.
Blaine didn't even attempt to pick up.
It was just a small comfort, to know Kurt was trying so desperately to contact him. He'd also sent texts practically begging him to answer, but Blaine ignored those too after the first six or seven. There were even a couple of unopened mails on his inbox, and for a second he wondered if he'd find messages on his Facebook or Twitter if he checked them. It was so stalking-ish that in any other situation Blaine would have found it terribly amusing.
Right now it was just terribly depressing.
What the hell had happened? Blaine's head just couldn't understand how things had come to this. Had he really pressured Kurt so much that he felt the need to do this? Was it just Kurt's inexperience playing too hard? Was it really not such a big deal and Blaine was taking it way harder than he should?
There was a bit of that, probably. But it just hurt. He'd tried so hard to do things right with Kurt. He'd hoped so hard for things to just… develop into something they'd both be comfortable with. Something they could look back and say "it was just natural to be together". But he'd done it all thinking about Kurt, thinking Kurt needed to be taken care of, thinking if he wasn't careful he'd unconsciously take advantage of him and then he'd never forgive himself.
It just never occurred to him that it could be Kurt the one to take advantage on him.
But was it really like that? Of course Blaine knew Kurt was just trying to please him. He just didn't understand how he could be so blind about what Blaine actually wanted. About what he expected of their relationship. Horribly as it sounded, it made Blaine wonder if Kurt actually loved him. Because Blaine remembered about having sex with people he didn't love, and that's exactly how it worked. You felt good, and if you wanted to keep doing it, you worked to get the other person content enough for it. Content enough to stay and keep making you feel good. But since you don't love them, you don't give anything more.
Was that the way Kurt saw him? Like someone he just needed to keep happy enough so he'd stay by his side? But even then, why would he do that? So he'd still have a boyfriend? So he wouldn't go back to be the only gay kid around? Did Kurt only keep Blaine at his side because he'd be lonely otherwise, so he was setting for what was available?
His phone rang again, and Blaine could barely control himself into not throwing it out the window. His jaw was clenched so hard his whole head was shaking at the pressure, and his eyes were full of tears. He'd already cried last night, but those last thoughts broke his dam again and the next second he was sobbing uncontrollably, rolling into a little ball on his bed.
He couldn't remember being so miserable ever before.
Slowly, the tears run out. The shaking subsided, and his mind was left numb. He couldn't think anymore. He knew he'd just hurt more if he kept rolling things over in his head, and every new thought would be worse than the previous, and he knew Kurt cared about him and it wasn't fair to think about him like that.
He was also afraid that if he kept thinking it, he'd start believing it.
So he got up and walked straight into the shower. He turned the water as hot as he could bear, and let it wash away the pain and the exhaustion and the sorrow as well as it could. He got dressed, headed down to the kitchen, and surprised his father by asking if he could join him and his friends at golf that day.
Riding silently next to his dad, he mentally thanked him and his mom for not asking questions, even though they both knew Blaine found golf hopelessly boring and even though he was sure they both heard him cry last night. Most of all, Blaine silently thanked his dad for driving him away from his cellphone, that remained in his nightstand, ringing constantly.
Blaine tried his best to keep his head on the game, even if it was boring. At least his dad's friends were nice to talk to, all of them pleased at such a mature and dapper young man. It made him forget things a bit, get calmed and more collected, so it didn't hurt that much to see the 37 missed calls and 12 unread messages when he got back home. He deleted them all without opening them and called Kurt.
"Blaine?" answered Kurt after the first ring. His voice was afraid. Blaine should have felt guilty, but he didn't.
"Hey" he said. Really, he didn't have much to say.
"Oh Blaine… thank god… I started to think you'd never… Blaine, I'm so sorry, I really-"
"Kurt, you need to stop calling. It isn't helping things at all." Said Blaine, trying to keep his voice calm. Which made it come out rather cold, but he did feel just cold inside out, so he couldn't help it.
Hurt as he could be, he still wasn't impervious to the sound of Kurt sobbing on the phone.
"Blaine… I'm so sorry… I can't tell you how much… just… please Blaine, I was an idiot. I didn't understand at all but I love you and I just thought you-"
"Don't even say it." Warned Blaine. "Whatever reason you did it, it was for yourself. You don't get to use me like that and then try to make it about me." So much for self-control, his jaw was clenched and his eyes were full of tears again.
"I didn't use you! I love you, I'd never do anything to hurt you! I thought it was what you wanted and that time after Rachel's party you didn't mind it and things where better afterwards! So I just wanted to-"
"I was drunk that night! I felt like an asshole afterwards but thought we could move on because, since I was drunk, you understood it wasn't what a wanted. I actually told you that! And do you ever listen to me when I talk? Because I lost count of how many times I told you I didn't mind waiting for you."
"But that's not fair to you! And with how long this has been taking me-"
"So you did it to stop feeling guilty." said Blaine. It wasn't a question. Kurt's voice wavered at the other end.
"Is not like that." He finally said. Blaine didn't believe him. Because he knew Kurt didn't believe himself either.
"Kurt, I really need you to stop calling and texting. It makes me angry and it makes me nervous." Said Blaine after several seconds of silence.
"I… how long?" asked Kurt with a small voice.
"I don't know… just… I'm not cutting you out completely, ok? But this… it's too much right now. I need time to think. And you need time too. Because you need to rethink these-"
"I don't need to rethink anything. I love you." Pleaded Kurt. He sounded like he was starting to cry again.
"No, listen. This… this pressure you were feeling, it didn't come from me. I know I pushed a bit sometimes and I'm sorry, but…" And then the doubts stormed Blaine's head again. Was this entirely his fault? Had he somehow, unconsciously pushed Kurt into it? He shook his head. He couldn't just blame himself for the whole thing. "I was always very clear about where my intensions stood. And you didn't listen, or didn't believe me, and there has to be a reason for it. A reason you need to figure out because I can't… I won't get back if I'll have to worry all the time if you're doing whatever we do because you want it or because you think you have to."
And didn't it sound like their whole relationship was a joke? Didn't it sound like they'd been involved in some sort of passive-aggressive, unhealthy relationship from the beginning? Way to make himself feel sick.
"Does this mean… are we… Blaine, does this mean we're not together anymore? Are we breaking up?"
"I don't know. Are we?" asked Blaine. He truly didn't know.
Silence. Blaine waited. He could almost hear Kurt tremble on the other side.
"I'd do anything to not lose you. Anything."
Just then Blaine realized he'd been holding his breath. And when he breathed again, it hit him that despite everything, he desperately wanted them to stay together. Fix everything and go back to his plan of the most perfect life-long relationship with him.
"We'll just take time to think. Both of us. At least some days to…" he sighed. He didn't even know what that time was for, except thinking and trying to understand. "To cool off. Maybe then things will start to feel less like such a mess…"
Silence again. Blaine knew Kurt didn't like it much, but wasn't going to argue.
"Ok…" Kurt sounded rather deep in thought.
"I'm going to hang out now." Said Blaine after a couple of seconds.
"I love you Blaine. I'll do everything to try make things work out."
"I know." Was all Blaine said before hanging up. As much as he wanted to, he couldn't bring himself to say I love you too.
Kurt kept at bay for four days. At fifth day Blaine received a short text. It just read "I miss you". Somehow, it made him feel warm and at the same time annoyed. Was it possible to have such a weird mix of feelings?
He had missed Kurt too. So very much. Soon after his decision of not wanting to see him Blaine realized he had arranged his summer around Kurt, to spend with him as much time as he could. Now, he was left bored, sad and alone at home, and he started wondering if it was a bad thing that his life had been wrapped around Kurt the last few months.
He didn't reply to the message, and Kurt didn't send any other that day. But the following, Blaine walked out of the shower to find "Summer isn't the same without you. I love you" on his phone. He had to smile a bit to it because yes, it was the same thing he kept thinking these days. Even so, he didn't answer.
He tried occupying his time in things that wouldn't let him think. He bought a new game for his PlayStation 3 and spent hours on it. He took several walks around the neighborhood and agreed to join a soccer game between other boys he'd been friends with when he was a kid. That had been nice. They all went for burgers after the game, and it made Blaine feel almost normal.
Still, every time he went back home the mess with his boyfriend would return to his head. He wasn't really angry anymore. He was hurt and confused. Hurt because really, apparently his boyfriend thought the worst about him and didn't trust him at all. Confused because now he kept wondering how much of what they had before, physically speaking, was real and what wasn't. What if it all was a lie and Kurt hadn't wanted any of it? He knew he wanted to forgive Kurt and go back to him, but he didn't quite know how to pick up the relationship from there. It scared him beyond words to think that maybe they wouldn't be able to.
So on Saturday, Blaine convinced his mom to let him skip aunt Nora's birthday dinner (she was old and never remembered his name anyway), and called in reinforcement. Wes and David, like good Dalton boys, where at his doorstep punctually. They called for pizza, and set to eat it at the living room, sitting on the carpet. Anyone who knew Blaine knew that the boy preferred to sit on the floor most of the time. Furniture he preferred to jump on.
It was a bit awkward, telling them what had happened. Wes and David had been his best friends for a bit more than a year now, but they had never quite talked about this sort of things. Sure, they had made comments, and they teased each other, but they had never talked about it in so much detail. Problem was, if Blaine didn't explain it well, he didn't think he could make the other two understand.
And as it usually happens, the moment he started telling the facts, he started feeling stupid. It was important in his head, but putting it into words made it feel like he was trying to make a big deal out of nothing. And he felt embarrassed about it, but kept talking anyway. In their favor, Wes and David listened until the very end and didn't make fun of him.
"So then you left?" asked Wes, seeing Blaine had stopped talking.
"Yeah. He kind of asked me to stay, but I just couldn't." Answered Blaine, biting his lip.
"And you haven't talked since then?" Asked David.
"He kept calling and calling. You know, he did apologize a lot. But it made me nervous and I kind of wanted some time alone, so I asked him to stop. I mean, I told him we weren't breaking up, but that I needed some time."
There was a silence in the room. Blaine looked at the floor, somehow feeling nervous. His friends' opinions really mattered to him a lot, and he didn't want to learn from them that maybe he had screwed up badly.
"And here I thought being gay made things easier." Commented David. Wes rolled his eyes and Blaine smiled a little at the comment.
"It is more complex than I thought it'd be." Accepted Wes. Blaine had told them both in advance that Kurt and he had had a fight and he wanted some advice.
"So? What do you think?" Asked Blaine, uncertain.
"Well, I understand why you got mad. Kurt must be one of the persons who know you the most by now, and for him to believe you'd leave if he didn't do it, well, if he can't trust you in something like that, it's like he doesn't know you at all." Said Wes. Blaine grimaced, feeling a small pang in his chest at Wes' words. How much did Kurt really know him?
"Yeah, that was not cool." Said David, looking a bit nervous at Blaine before speaking again. "But Blaine, don't take this the wrong way or anything, is just that I think… I mean, is it really that much of a big deal? Not the trust thing. Wes is right about the trust thing. But the other part, you know, Kurt giving you a hand with… you know? I don't think it was really that bad. Just… helping you out. Couples do that all the time. I don't really understand why it was so bad he did it."
"I'm not against the act in itself." Started to explain Blaine. "Of course not. It's just, the moment we are in… I just wanted it to be for both of us."
"Well, yeah, but the time it takes to each person is different and stuff." Said David.
"That's why Blaine made it clear to Kurt that he'd rather wait." Intercepted Wes.
"Did you really talk about it? Like, did you tell him specifically you didn't want him to touch you until you could touch him back?" Asked David. The question sounded a bit aggressive, but Blaine knew David was just trying to understand things.
"Not in those exact words, no. I mean… I told him hundreds of times that I wanted to wait for him. I thought it was implied. Isn't it an understandment that couples want to reciprocate?" Said Blaine, but started feeling a horrible uncertainty in his stomach. He remembered what had happened after Rachel's party, and even though he had apologized profusely, he hadn't said he didn't want to do it again. Maybe that's why Kurt got confused? In which case, it all turns to be his fault. Shit.
"Not exactly. When I started with my first girlfriend, it kind of happened like with you and Kurt at first. And I thought it was awesome. I mean, I knew she needed her time and I wasn't going to pressure her or anything, but she knew I wanted to do stuff. So she lent a hand too, and I thought it was… well, really nice of her. She was just helping." Explained David.
"Every couple is different." Replied Wes.
"Oh come on. Don't tell me you didn't do it either, Wes. Caroline was only 15 when you started dating. And the way she is, I won't believe for a second you went straight into doing it."
"But Kurt is not a girl. Shouldn't they be equals?" retorted Wes.
"Don't gay couples always want to be considered the same as straight couples? So I guess it can happen." Shrugged David.
"Considered the same to other people! But inside the relationship it would be ridiculous!" snapped Wes.
"Guys! That's a little beside the point." Intervened Blaine, a bit alarmed.
"Whatever dude. All I'm saying is, your man was trying to help. Straight guys are glad when that happens with their girlfriends, so why should gay guys think differently? It isn't a big deal, like, as to get offended because of it. That's unnecessarily dramatic." Finished David.
Blaine listened to David's words, feeling sick as they came out. Not a big deal… that was the same thing Kurt had said. Then it was Blaine the one who had screwed up. How come so many people could think it wasn't that important when it meant so much for him? Were his feelings wrong somehow? It was worst because now he felt like he had no right to be hurt, but he was. And how was he supposed to fix that?
He was so lost in his thoughts, his face consorting into the dread he was feeling, that he missed the severe look that Wes was sending in David's direction. After seeing Blaine's reaction to his words, David had regretted them immediately.
"Blaine? Don't take it hard on yourself. No matter what David says," Wes said, sending daggers into the other boy's direction. "Every couple works differently. Nobody can take for granted what it's important for someone or not."
Blaine nodded, but didn't say anything. He felt like an idiot now.
"Man, I didn't mean it like that." Said David, like trying to fix what he said before. "Maybe you overreacted a bit. But Wes is right, I didn't have the right to say it shouldn't be a big deal for you. Neither did Kurt, for that matter. He shouldn't have said that."
"He didn't exactly say that. I mean, he didn't say it shouldn't be important for me. He assumed it wasn't. You know, not as important as it would've been for him." Elaborated Blaine, although his voice was still small.
"Look, I like Kurt. And we know how he is. Well, surely you know better than us," said David pointing at himself and Wes, "but we spent a lot of time with him when he was at Dalton. And don't take this the wrong way, but he is sort of… delicate. Not in a girl way or anything, but… yeah. And you were trying to be all mentor-ish for him at first, and then when you started going out you still kept that thing about looking out for him. He expects you to look out for him too. And that's cool because you're a couple and all, but like you keep saying, it should go both ways. Like, if he wants you to be careful with him, he should be careful with you too."
"But he was trying to take care of me. I mean, he's always trying to help me and all. It's just this time he got it kind of wrong." Said Blaine, not sure why he was defending him.
"Kurt always had problems with… accepting he's wrong." Opined Wes. "Like, not because he's too proud… well, that too, but I think even in his head he normally doesn't second-think his notions to see if he's right or not. So I guess he got his head set in the problem being that you wanted to go farther, and nothing could change his mind. Even if you said differently."
"He is hard-headed like that." Agreed David.
Blaine nodded, thinking hard about his friends' words. He didn't want his boyfriend to sound bad, but that did sound a bit like him. When Kurt had his head set on anything, it took something huge to make him change his mind. Which probably was what had happened here. Well, at least he hoped Kurt would understand now what Blaine wanted. They'd have to talk about it really clearly so Blaine could be sure.
And yet, once he thought about it like that, he found himself to be less mad at Kurt. Because that stubbornness of following so strongly in what he believed was something he had always admired of him. Yes, it took him to the extreme sometimes, but it was also what drove him to achieve what he wanted.
"You'll think I'm crazy, but I kind of love that about him. You know, he is obstinate, but that's usually a virtue on him. I guess it just played against him this time." Blaine said, and he found himself smiling, albeit quietly. Because it made him feel better, to know that it probably wasn't that Kurt didn't trust him, it was just Kurt being Kurt, and he could never be mad at him for that.
"Our virtues are usually our biggest flaws too." Said Wes, smiling a bit too. Both he and David sensed Blaine lighting up, and that pleased them. Blaine was such a good guy, and they just wanted him to be happy.
There was silence for a couple of minutes. As Blaine's posture and face relaxed, their friends could see he was making pace with the whole problem in his mind. Blaine was very much an open book, and everyone who knew him could read him easily.
"We know he hurt you, dude. But it was a mistake. And Kurt's been in love with you for a long time. I can bet my life that he never meant to upset you. You know this is all new for him. He was probably trying too hard, and maybe that's why he got it wrong, but it's because he cares about you." Said David. Blaine smiled at him, thinking what would Kurt say if he learned David had defended him so strongly in this. Blaine knew his friends liked his boyfriend, but he didn't know one of them had gotten so protective of him.
"I probably took things too hard, didn't I?" Asked Blaine, although not feeling as guilty as before. It was like now he had the problem figured out, he could be calm and rational about it. It wasn't solved yet, and he had a lot of things to discuss with Kurt, but he had found his foot, and that was a big first step.
"You can't be blamed for not handling it the best way. You were mad. But as long as you don't let it escalate beyond repair you should be fine." Said Wes, leaning back on the couch. He had his 'mission accomplished' smirk on.
"Thank you guys. I knew there was a good reason I kept you around." Said Blaine. "It won't be the same without you next year." Wes and David had graduated last year, and they were heading for college in Philadelphia once the summer was over. Blaine was really going to miss them.
"You'll be too busy riding off to the sunset above a candy-colored unicorn with your boy to pay us any mind. You'll be fine." Joked David, patting his back. It was a lame joke, but Blaine laughed anyway. He felt relieved. He could get over this. Him and Kurt, they would be fine.
"I love you both so much!" shouted Blaine suddenly, leaping to his friends, falling on both of them and making them roll on the carpet. Wes and David laughed and groaned and soon they were all wrapped in a cushion-fight, happy that the tension of the night had been lifted.
Blaine walked to his room after thanking and saying good bye to his friends at the door. He found his cellphone at the nightstand with no missed calls or texts. It was a bit after 1 am, and Blaine debated if it would be rude to write so late. But now that his mind was at ease, he couldn't wait to see Kurt. The past week without him had been hell.
He sort if wanted to explain that he understood better now, that he wasn't mad anymore and that he wanted Kurt to stop worrying because they would be fine. But he didn't know exactly how to convey that in a message, so he set for "Lima Bean tomorrow at noon?"
He couldn't help but smile when Kurt's agreement appeared on his phone barely a minute later.
A/N: It would help a lot if you give your opinion about Blaine's train of thought. Does it make sense? I always worry about it.
Oh, and Glee's back! What do you guys think was the highlight of episode one? Did you ABSOLUTELY LOVED the Klaine moments? I know I did. "I came here for me. Because I can't stand to be away from the person I love". That phrase shall be forever remembered in the fandom's heart. Also, Blaine's version of "It's not unusual" was to die for. I can't get over it in my head. Can't wait for tomorrow's episode!
And am I the only one who thinks Finn is not very happy with Blaine? I SMELL TROUBLE.
Don't forget to review!
Next chapter: Kurt interlude. We'll finally see things from his eyes.
