Author Notes:
I hadn't been feeling too good, but I managed to get this done.
Hope you enjoy,
EM ;)
Her Mask Of Sanity
Ch. 6 The Truth
Asami
It had already been several hours since Asami had been returned to her cell and she still couldn't believe Korra had found a way back into her life.
Her mind raced as she thought of her ex-girlfriend and before she knew it, it was already time for lights out, but Asami couldn't sleep.
She tried to ease her mind, but she couldn't focus on anything. It wasn't like she had anything to do inside her empty cell, except workout or maybe meditate.
Just the thought of Korra either threw her mind into overload or paralyzed her. In the end, she ended up tossing and turning in her cot.
Asami wasn't exactly sure what she had expected to feel when she saw Korra again. Longing? Love? Desire? Instead, she felt nothing. Well, more as if it those emotions she craved to feel were right there, but just barely out of her reach, swirling all around her.
Only the familiar void and emptiness resonated in her chest.
She sat up in her cot leaning against the cold wall as she brought her legs to her chest. Feeling resigned she placed her head on her knees pushing her forehead lightly against them.
Oh, how she envied the ability for Korra to feel all those emotions, and how she longed to understand what Korra felt when she saw her. Most of all she wanted to feel the emotion that made Korra's sapphire eyes always shine. Asami wanted to feel Korra's happiness and love.
Her thoughts slowly went back to their session together.
Asami had agreed to accept Korra's help rather easily, but she was still afraid. Afraid because she knew at that moment her darkness was sated, but that it would eventually want more blood and violence. That it would take control of her again over and over. A control she, herself, had given up years ago. Could she ever truly gain it back?
Korra must have seen her distress as she first tried to talk about her past and the darkness that plagued her mind when she reached out for Asami's hand and slowly rubbed circles on her knuckles.
The intimate touch calmed her almost immediately and allowed the anguish to evaporate slowly.
It was easier to hear how Korra finished college and that Bolin had finally married Opal a year ago than to relive the anger she had felt the past five years.
She had missed Korra's voice so much and the small grin she would get when she spoke of things or people she loved.
It was so easy to lose herself in Korra's eyes that seemed so bright with life. The eyes she had fallen so deeply in love with. The eyes that almost felt like a lifeline to her sanity, and within those eyes, she could almost feel human.
With a loud knock, she was brought back to reality, and the hell she was living in. The session only lasted an hour before the guards returned her to her cell.
She stretched out her body and laid on her back staring at the dull gray ceiling. She watched as a small spider make it way across.
Just because she came doesn't mean anything has changed. You're mine.
She saw the dark shadow perched at the foot of her bed staring at her possessively.
"Are you seriously willing to stay locked up? I mean there is absolutely nothing to do here, and it's not like we can watch the walls bleed."
This was the first time she had actually responded to the voice. She usually ignored it, but today was different.
Ah, so you do remember me. It's actually pretty entertaining to watch you get mad and lash out within these walls, but what you say is true. I might as well just sit back and watch all this unfold and enjoy the ride. It doesn't take much for you to destroy everything on your own. Oh, and do remember my sweet Asami even if Korra manages to help you we both know the moment you have the opportunity you won't be able to stop yourself. You will kill again just to feel alive through their dying eyes.
She grabbed her pillow and shoved it over her face trying to block the view of the shadow's evil smile. She knew it had a point. She knew she was unable to control the urges she felt inside.
She slowly sat up removing her pillow allowing it to slip onto the floor.
"If you know me so well tell me something," she said as she stared into the darkness at the foot of her bed. "Even though I know I am happy to see Korra why do I only feel this void. As if the feeling isn't there, but right there?"
When you decided to give yourself entirely to the anger and rage inside of you, you lost the ability to love and created me. And through your actions, we are now inseparable, and you will never truly feel those emotions that are so closely related to light.
Her body fell back into the bed with a thump as her hands went through her hair.
All I want is to feel what she feels for me.
Tears begin to roll down her cheeks. They weren't tears of sadness, but tears of desperation, and jealousy.
What else could a creature of darkness feel, but jealousy of those who dwell in the light.
Korra-After Asami was removed from the visitation area.
"Wow."
Korra had been surprised by Asami's mentally and physically poor condition.
Asami was still beautiful even without her makeup, but the dark circles under her eyes were noticeable. Her once beautiful shining eyes were now dulled, and even after the surprise of seeing Korra, she noticed not much changed in her demeanor.
"What do you think?"
She didn't hear Hiroshi walk in and she turned to meet him.
"Hiroshi it's bad. I mean I hardly recognize her, and obviously, she has been extremely emotionally damaged while in prison. When I left the state, you promised me you would take care of her. That she was in one of your prisons and you would get her the help she needed."
She hadn't realized her voice had raised and her fists had clenched until she saw Hiroshi step back. She did her best to relax and let go of the breath she didn't realize she was holding.
"I'm sorry I know none of this is your fault. I knew I should have fought harder to see her, but she refused every time."
Korra took a shaky breath before she continued.
"When I looked into her eyes when she saw me, I could feel she had missed me too. I know now she needed me so much these past five years and I disappeared on her."
Korra felt Hiroshi's firm hand on her shoulder.
"Korra you needed to finish school, and you are here for her now. I have been watching my daughter deteriorate in front of me these past five years, and I couldn't do anything to stop it. She refused all the doctors I brought and now, thanks to you, she has finally accepted help. All I have is you, Korra, please I beg you, save my daughter."
She placed her hand over Hiroshi's.
"I will do everything in my power to help her."
Asami
A few days have gone by, and she felt herself start to shift into depression. She wondered when she would have another session with Korra. Korra was the only light in her world, and she needed her to keep the hunger and darkness at bay.
Asami decided to get out of bed and began pacing so she could try to push away the ever-present void that had seemed to grow with each passing day.
A hard knock on the door forced her to stop in her tracks then moved to the far back wall to be able to be seen by the guard.
"Inmate 52 you have a therapy session scheduled today. We will enter the cell and detain you. Do not resist."
She rolled her eyes at the new guard's tone of voice. He was a tall ex-military man.
He had tried to intimidate her a few times, but she knew with a few jabs she could have him on the floor gasping for air.
That sounds like a good idea... Let's try it...
She could almost see her darker self's smile as she heard the voice in her head. She did feel the urge to put the new guard in his place, but that would also mean missing her session.
No, we need to behave, or we won't get to see Korra.
That's your problem. I'm getting bored, and these opportunities don't come often.
She felt herself struggle to remain in control of her consciousness even though the thought of hurting him excited her.
She couldn't help but sighed in relief when she felt the last shackle lock around her wrists.
They led her down the halls, and as she walked into the visitation room, she saw Korra sitting in a new chair.
The small visitation room was emptied of all other chairs and the single metal table that was once there. All that remained were two leather armchairs. They were situated facing each other in the small room, and a small side table held a water bottle next to what seemed to be Korra's chair.
Korra stood up looking at the armchairs as she began to speak to her.
"Since I'm not allowed to have our meeting in an office I managed to get us something better than those old plastic chairs. Hopefully, it will be more comfortable."
Korra patted one of the new leather seats.
Asami was staring at Korra's beautiful smile when she felt the urge to grab her and force her onto one of those chairs, but she quickly shook her head at the idea.
Her hunger was coming back a lot quicker than last time. Even in Korra presence, it seemed to be there.
"Please, Asami have a seat and let us begin."
She nodded and without a word and slowly made her way to the chair.
"I'm sorry you still have to be chain up, but they won't allow us in the same room without them."
She moved the chains into a more comfortable position as she situated herself in the chair.
"It's ok. I've gotten used to them. I did manage to kill someone with them on, so I don't see the reason why they keep trying to stop me."
It took her a few moments to realize she had spoken without thinking. Korra sat there staring at her intensely with one of her elbows on the leather armrest and her chin lightly resting on her hand.
"So, if you wanted to, you could come across this space between us and hurt me?"
"Yes."
"Would you?"
"Sometimes I want to, but not to hurt you."
"Hmmm, I see. Asami, tell me what you're feeling right now? You're out of your cell. Several guards brought you here, and now you're sitting in front of your ex-girlfriend."
Without thinking she allowed her thoughts to escape.
"I want to rush you and force you against that chair and make you beg me to fuck you."
That wasn't really collected, Asami. I thought you wanted to behave or am I rubbing off on you?
She shook her head again.
"I'm sorry Korra. It has just been so long, and I'm not used to controlling myself anymore. It's hard to know what's right or wrong in here."
"It's alright Asami. You like to have control over situations and a place you always managed to have the most control was when you had sex. Your partners willingly gave you full control of their bodies, and when you hurt people, you forcefully took it. Is that close to what you feel?"
She was silent for a few moments before she answered Korra.
"There is more to it. It's as though there is another side to me, a darker side. One that seems to be its own person and I can hear it whispering in my head to hurt someone, to take someone, to dominate someone all the time. It's not that I want to take that control personally, but the voice hungers for it. It's as if it's an addict and it constantly needs a fix."
She had raised her chained hands and her fingertips pressed against her temple as she spoke the last sentence.
"The whispering, the hunger, the need is stuck in here, and I can't seem to run away from it."
"How did you manage to keep it at bay throughout your younger years?"
"I think I was obsessed with making my father happy. Or I was more obsessed with earning the right to control the company, but either way, I always kept a safe distance from everyone."
"Until when?"
"Until I met you, but it wasn't your fault. I wanted to get closer to you."
She knew she was slowly getting closer to telling Korra the truth. She could feel the fear of what Korra would think of her the moment she finds out.
Would she accept her? Would she call her a monster? Or would she become merely another patient Korra wants to fix? Either way, her true self would slowly come to light.
"Then someone saw through my facade. Someone recognized the darkness I tried so hard to keep hidden."
She fumbled with her hands as she tried to find the words. She decided that maybe after five years she could trust someone with the truth and the only person she ever trusted was Korra.
She took a deep breath and bore her soul to Korra.
"Kuvira saw right through me and provoked the darkness to emerge."
She said it so quietly she wasn't sure Korra even heard her. The silence seemed to last forever until Korra finally spoke.
"Asami, tell me the truth. I will keep this confidential. What happened that night."
It had taken Asami two years before her memories were clear enough to put all the details together of what really happened that night.
It did, however, cause her to have nightmares that would wake her up in a cold sweat. The dreams and memories made her terrified of herself and the evil she was capable of.
She hadn't realized she was shaking till she felt Korra's hand on hers and she was kneeling in front of her.
"If you're not ready we can talk about it another time?"
Asami shook her head.
"No, I have to tell you. I went to grab a drink from the bar fridge when Kuvira handed me one. I did not know at the time it was laced with something and when I had entered the library, I had already started to feel the side effects. That was when they attacked me, and I fought off all the attackers with everything I had, but all I did was incapacitate them. I was more worried about escaping then trying to kill them, so as I finally knocked the last one to his knees Kuvira appeared. At that point, I could hardly move from the drugs, and I was beginning to panic so when I saw her, I swear, I thought she was there to help me, and I even remember reaching out to her, but she didn't get me out of there. Instead, she wanted to free the darkness inside me... and she..."
Her body was now violently shaking, and tears were streaming down her face when she looked directly into Korra's eyes. She began to speak through her teeth as her jaw clenched at the memory.
"She forced me to..."
She tried to keep her anger calm, but it was getting hard, and the shaking continued.
"...She forced me to kill him and when I watched him die, Korra, I loved it."
Korra removed her hand and stared at Asami. Her eyes were filled with confusion.
"Is that why you bludgeoned the other two attackers to death? How did you manage to do it while drugged?"
"I didn't. After I killed one of them, I refused to go along with Kuvira's plans. I knew I could not be this person because if I became the person Kuvira wanted me to be, I would lose you..."
Korra's eyes open widely. All the pieces seemed to fall in place in her eyes.
"So Kuvira framed you for the other deaths... To assure you would get convicted even if you said it was in self-defense."
She nodded.
"Kuvira wanted me, and she offered me everything I could want to satisfy the darker side of me, but I wanted you, Korra."
"And because you wanted me, Kuvira did all of this."
All she could do was nod her head. She had never told anyone the truth of all the circumstances that led up to that night. Finally, she felt a weight lift off her shoulders.
You're still a monster no matter how you look at it. You enjoyed watching that boy die. You love watching his blood pool around your knife.
She forced her attention back to Korra who was now sitting on the floor, shocked.
"No one ever thought she had anything to do with it. She was so distraught and all that blood on her, she was freaking out so bad about it, but the truth was she did it. She murdered the other two and was able to lie so easily about it. Even when you admitted to the murders I believed you. Why didn't you tell anyone the truth Asami?"
Korra's voice was a whisper, but it was filled with so much hurt.
"I didn't believe I deserved to be free. I wanted to imprison the monster inside me so I wouldn't hurt anyone else, but even then I still manage to hurt people."
Korra shot up off the floor putting her hands on Asami's armrest.
"But Asami you didn't want to do it! You clearly had a conscience when you didn't continue following Kuvira or the urges! You may have psychopathic tendencies, but the true evil is not you but Kuvira!"
Asami shook her head. She knew the evil she was capable of, and it would be naive of her to believe she it wasn't there that it was all Kuvira's doing.
"No, Korra, I am what I am, and I cannot change the things I have done. I may not have been a monster before, but now I truly am. I killed mercilessly and now I struggle to control the urge to hurt again."
She saw Korra was about to say something when the large ex-military guard knocked and stepped in.
"Time's up."
Korra stepped away from her and towards the guard.
"Give me more time! We are discussing important issues!"
"She can either come out on her own or I will force her out. And I promise you it won't be gently," the guard said looking down his nose at Korra with disgust.
Asami could almost see the fumes rising from Korra.
"It's ok Korra. We will continue later. Please remember what I told you. I am different now, and I don't think I can change back."
Asami walked to the guard and was shoved out of the visitation room.
Asami really didn't want to see Korra again. She wouldn't be able to handle all the questioning and the false hope that she could be human.
You know there is a way out of seeing her for a few weeks if you're up for it.
Asami couldn't help but smile as she gave over her control to the darkness and felt the anticipation in her fingertips as they made their way to her cell.
Once inside the guard, alone, this time, began to unlock her ankle restraints.
None of the guards had had any trouble when they were releasing her back into her cell, so they must have felt comfortable leaving him alone with her.
"Mr. Army Guy. You need to learn how to speak to a woman properly. Especially, when that woman has an ex-girlfriend who is more skilled at killing than you."
As she finished saying the last words her right foot was free allowing her to grab his head with her chained hands and knee him square in the face.
A gush of blood started pouring from his nose, and she gave him a second one, this time, hearing the crunch of a broken nose.
He fell to the floor screaming his lungs out.
Asami walked to the corner of her cell, and she watched as his blood began to spread as he thrived in pain on the floor.
She loved the beautiful ruby red she used to coat her lips with.
Not a moment later the other two guards stormed the cell lifting him up and removing him from the room. She looked at the mess on the floor as another set of guards came in and grabbed her.
"Guess it's moving time. Sorry for the mess, I guess you can keep the deposit," she said with a laugh as they dragged her out.
Now wasn't that refreshing.
Korra
She had just reached her apartment when her phone vibrated. It was Hiroshi.
"Hey, I just finished the second session with Asami. I really think we have a chance to help her."
After a moment of silence, she knew something must have happened.
"What happened Hiroshi. Tell me."
"Asami broke a guard's nose. Apparently, he disrespected you, and she retaliated."
She sighed. She knew this had nothing to do with what the guard had said towards the end of the session. This was Asami running away from her, again.
"How long before she allowed to have sessions again?"
"Two weeks. I mean why would she jeopardize getting out of her cell and seeing you for a small comment."
"I don't really understand either Hiroshi, but all we can do now is wait."
She hung up with Hiroshi and decided to call an old friend.
"Hey, Opal! How are you doing? I moved back into town about a week ago and wanted to see if you wanted to hang out? Maybe lunch tomorrow? Perfect I'll see you there!"
She loved Opal and wanted to see her, but this was about something else. She now had her eyes set on Kuvira. Korra had to find out if Kuvira was indeed behind Asami committing those horrible acts and if Kuvira really did murder those men she needed to pay for it.
