A/N

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Chapter 7: Worries

Edward

"Didn't you have an appointment yesterday with someone?" I asked Emmett this morning. He looked at me, asking 'what?' with his eyes. "Bella?" I said, he fucking knew what I was talking about. "Shit! She came down here? I thought she was ill or something so I just went to… another appointment." I rolled my eyes, I could see he'd got some last night. His eyes tinkled that way. "Yes, she was here at five, you asshole. You can't tell her you're into her and then fuck someone else, Emmett. That's really fucking low." "Jesus bro, since when do you care? Besides, I still like Bella. I thought she would be easy but she's difficult anyway." I felt anger building up. Yes, Bella obviously had some issues but didn't we all? You can't just dump a girl because of that. Fuck I was getting mad. "Was she good?" "Who?" "Bigtit." He was silent. "Man, that was amazing! Jasper came to pick me up yesterday, he drove me to Rosalie and Alice's house. Nice place, by the way." "You are such an ass." I slammed the door. "You're being a girl, Edward!" I heard him scream after me. No ride for Emmett to school today.

I'd slept well. I actually woke up smiling, because I'd had Bella close to me. Bella showed her, all of her. Not literally, but you get what I mean. She was vulnerable and she let me in. It made me feel fucking good. Like she trusted me. I was a little confused about what was going to happen at school today. Would she ignore me like nothing ever really happened or were we going to build something up? I knew I couldn't ignore her anymore. I was in love with her and had been since the second I saw her. This was the first time I really loved someone. Besides Carlisle and Esme, that is. I wasn't used to these feelings. The thought that she might want me the same way I wanted her, made me uncomfortable. She wouldn't want me anyway, I mean… She just wouldn't. But I couldn't help but fantasize about it. I needed to stop this shit. It was already a big fucking deal I admitted I was in love with Bella, no need to get all smushy.

I got into my car and drove to school. I saw Jasper and Alice driving into the parking lot too. "Hey Edward," Alice said to me, with a smile on her face. That startled me a little, the last time she talked to me it was because of Bella. "Hi," I said, face down. Jasper gave me a nod and got out of the car. "Have you seen Bella already?" Alice asked me. Fuck, did she know about yesterday? Did Bella tell her? I didn't want to be seen as the softie of the school. "No," was all I said. Alice nodded and walked hand in hand with Jasper to school. At that moment I also saw Rosalie in her BMW M3 Convertible with Emmett in the passenger seat. After the car stood still she shoved her tongue into his mouth and he seemed pretty happy about it. They were perfect together. Assholes. I was going to convince him to tell Bella though. No reason for her to find out like this.

I walked towards Emmett when he was done with Bigtit. "Hey, are you going to tell Bella?" "What do you care?" I looked down. "Nothing, I just think it's not fair to her. You probably let her fail on her resit already because of yesterday. The least you can do is tell her it's not going to work out." "You are a different man here, Edward, I swear. In Miami you couldn't care less about what I did and didn't do with girls." "Shut up. Just do it, okay?" I turned around and walked away. Not caring for his answer, because he was going to do it, no matter what.

I knew that I didn't have math for today and tomorrow. So I would be kind of Bella-free, I was a little disappointed about that. Who wouldn't be. I decided to go sit in the cafeteria today, instead of my usual picknick table. I wanted to see Bella. I was really giving in to every fucking craving I had for her. Emmett was right, I am another man. Fuck that.

The first break began and I walked towards the cafeteria. I saw Alice again. She saw me, too. "Hey Edward," she smiled again. Bella must've told her what happened last night, why else would she say hi to me every fucking time I saw her? "Hi Alice," I said, not knowing if I should start a conversation. She just smiled again and walked passed me. Probably picking up Bella from her class or something. I took a seat next to the food tray and saw Jasper, Emmett and Rosalie already sitting at their table. "I agree with Edward, you have to tell her, Emmett. It's not fair." "You guys are a pain in my ass," I heard Emmett say. He looked over his shoulder and apparently saw Bella. He got up from his seat and walked towards her. "Can I talk to you for a second?" Bella seemed a little startled and caught me staring at her. She didn't smile, she just looked down. Shit. She didn't want me. "Sure, Emmett," she said. I felt like shit the rest of the break.

Bella

"I think you're a really cute girl but it's not going to work, Bella, I'm sorry." Emmett was really uncomfortable, his feet moved the whole time he was talking. "I kind of guessed that after I was at your house yesterday." He looked apologetically. "Yeah, about that, I'm really sorry. If I knew you were coming I would've waited for you, I just thought you were ill because you weren't at school." I swallowed. "Yeah, I was, I still needed help though." He nodded and said: "I'm sorry." I shrugged. "I don't think I would've done better on the resit anyway." He didn't know what to say. So I just said what I was thinking. "So you like Rosalie?" He looked at me right away, and looking back to the ground as fast as he could. I laughed. "That's okay, everybody can see she's into you. It's a good thing you're into her too. Don't let me stop you." He looked at me, again. "Really?" "Yeah, who were we kidding anyway? I'm not your type." He nodded, while reaching out his hand to me. "Friends?" I shook it. "Friends."

I already knew Rose and Emmett had sex last night, she was all over him and Alice told me about it too during biology. I didn't really care. I mean, sure, it was a crappy thing to do when you were kind of seeing someone, but I had more physical contact with his brother last night than I had with Emmett these past weeks. Not sex obviously, but it still felt intimate and close.

I saw Edward looking at me in the cafeteria just now, but I didn't know how to react. Would he think I was this depressed girl he couldn't shake off? First I ask him for help, then I ask him to come sit with us and then I come to his room and break down. After listing all these things I felt pathetic. I asked way too much of him. He had been really nice yesterday, even though he first told me he didn't want to help me and he obviously didn't want to sit with us. Edward did sit in the cafeteria today, normally he was outside. It was freezing so maybe that's why, but that didn't stop him before.

I walked back to our spot in the cafeteria, with Emmett next to me. It didn't feel weird at all. Like I said, we hadn't been that close anyway. I looked at Alice, she mouthed: "Are you okay?" I nodded and smiled. She winked at me. The rest of the break I could feel Edward watching me but it didn't feel… creepy. Like he was checking up on me, just like he did a few weeks ago when I'd come to school with those swollen eyes. I felt… safe. I really needed to tell Alice what happened yesterday, because I still hadn't. I was afraid she might feel betrayed because I couldn't cry with her around but I could with Edward. Apparently. I had the next hour off so I would get Alice to ditch science, so I could talk to her about it.

The bell rang and Alice already started to walk towards her class. "Alice?" She turned around, walking back to me. "Can I talk to you? Now? Unless you have an important class or anything like that." She looked at me, not knowing where I wanted to talk about. "Yeah, sure," she began to talk to Jasper, "Can you tell Mr Darwin I'm not feeling too well, honey?" "Will do," Jasper said, and kissed her lips before he walked to his class. I looked into the cafeteria for a good spot to talk, but there were students everywhere. "Get your coat, we're going to sit at the picknick table, I want to talk in private." Alice did what I told her to do and came to sit next to me at the picknick table. I couldn't help but think this is where Edward had spent so many breaks.

"What's up?" She asked me. "I didn't tell you the whole story about yesterday," I said, looking into her eyes. "You wanted to tell me now?" "Yeah, it's kind of… huge." She nodded, saying: "I'm all ears." "I said I only talked to Edward last night, but something more happened." "Oh my God, you kissed him, didn't you?! Tell me everything!" "Alice, shut up, that's not what happened." Her wide, excited eyes turned to normal again. "When I came into his room, he sat on his bed. I didn't say a word and neither did he. He just got up and I walked towards him. I felt the need to be held and just break down. So I did." I looked to see what her reaction was. "You cried?" "A lot." "Wow…" She didn't say much for a few minutes, but then she asked me something again. "Did you tell him about your mom?" "No… I said I couldn't tell him and he said it was okay." "That's sweet…" She seemed to be swallowed by her thoughts. "He's a sweet guy, I just don't know how to act now. I mean, I know it's a one time thing and it's weird but I have to sit next to him three times a week." "You said you could be friends with him, right? Just try." Alice said simply. Yesterday it seemed simple as that. Not anymore. I felt embarrassed. "Don't tell anyone, please?" I asked her. "You know me, Bells, I wouldn't." "I know, just making sure." We were silent again and my feet began to feel really cold. I was convinced a toe would freeze off if we sat here for another minute. "Let's go inside," I said, while taking Alice's hand and leading her into school.

***

"Hello Dr. Cullen," I said, inviting him inside. "Hello Bella, you look good," he said, "relieved or something. Did something happen?" "No… no. Just a good day today, I guess," I said, trying not to look at him, he would know that I was lying. Yes, Dr. Cullen I cried my eyes out yesterday, your son was with me and he made me feel safe. His arms were around me the whole time. But other than that nothing happened. Tell me, how are you? That wasn't going to happen. "I wanted to talk to you about letting go, I want to help you in the process of doing that. Is that okay with you?" He said while taking his usual spot on the couch. I nodded. "First of all, you don't have to let go right now. You can take your time and just let me know how you are holding up. Okay?" I nodded again, "Yes."

"Letting go isn't easy. We don't want to let go. We want to continue the attachment which has given us such fulfillment. Which is in this case the relationship with your mother. We often want to continue the attachment even when it is no longer rational to want it. Even while we talk about this, it won't guarantee you to feel less hurt when your mother dies. Grief is also part of letting go. But I won't keep you occupied with that now, we'll deal with that when it's time. I want to ask you a question. Have you accepted that your mother is going to die soon?" I swallowed, stupid lump. "Half, I guess. Whenever I think about it I try to shake it off because I don't want to think about it. It hurts. But I gave her permission to go for euthanasia so it's pretty definite for me that she's going to die." Dr. Cullen nodded, while writing something down. "Type A and Type D personalities both involve an inability to let go. The type A person is pressured and driven, while the type D person is worried and anxious." "I am type D," I said, no doubt at all. "Yes," Dr. Cullen said, "It's good you can recognize yourself, Bella." "This week I want you to write it down, when you worry about things. I don't want to hear everything, you can keep boys and school stuff to yourself. Only when you worry about your mom. Can you do that for me?" I nodded. "When you've done that, I want you to spend the last day of the week writing solutions and tips for each worry. I know that's difficult, but let's see what you can come up with, okay?" "Yes, I'll try, Dr. Cullen." "Alright, that's it for tonight, Bella. I'm going to check up on your mother."

I was going to do this. I wanted to be able to let her go. I would still be crushed when her time came but if this made it even a tiny bit easier I would go for it. I got an old notebook out of one of my drawers and wrote 'Worries' on the front page. I wrote my first worry down. 'Can't imagine a day without seeing my mother.' I was glad I had to think about solutions the last day of the week, so I wouldn't have to think about it now. 'Not knowing how to deal with Edward,' was my second worry. 'Missing a mother around me.' This was hard.

Dr. Cullen came downstairs and saw me writing. He smiled. "You want to go for it, that's good Bella. I'll let myself out, see you soon." I smiled back at him, but I wasn't feeling it. I was confronting myself with too many worries now. As soon as I heard the door shut I began to cry again. At least I knew crying wasn't a Cullen thing, it was really an Edward thing. I could only cry around him and when I was alone. I wrote down another one. 'Not being able to cry at my mom's funeral.' I threw my pen against the wall. Why was it so freaking hard for me to cry? I mean, what was it that I could with Edward around? Why couldn't I when I was with Dr. Cullen or Alice? I couldn't even cry around my own mother, who was going to die soon! I felt hopeless and curled up like a ball on the couch again. Trying to block everything out.

I fell asleep after lying awake for over two hours.

***

I decided I had to go to school today. People would get suspicious if Bella Swan didn't go to school two days in one week. I mean I felt sick, like two days before, but I went to school anyway. It was Friday, last day of the week, I would survive. I had a few classes that were going to be dreadful, but two classes I liked. American History for instance. After that class we had our first break.

I walked to my usual seat, meeting Alice there. There wasn't anyone else yet. "Are you okay, Bells?" "Rough night," I answered. "Do you want to talk?" Alice asked me, I knew she was worried. "No, no, thanks, it's okay." "Hang in there, honey." I smiled at her while Rosalie and Emmett were coming our way. I said 'don't let me stop you' to Emmett and he certainly wasn't stopping anything. He had his hand on her butt and she was touching him constantly. Maybe I should've said 'let me stop you' because this kind of grossed me out. Jasper and Alice were classy, even though they had their moments too, but Rosalie and Emmett were just downright slutty. I got irritated by it after five minutes and decided to get some food. Another five minutes had passed when I came back with my chocolate chip cookies. Comfort food, everybody knew that. I looked around the cafeteria and saw Edward sitting next to the food tray again. He wasn't outside anymore. Maybe it was because of the cold. I sat there yesterday and it was really cold. I couldn't blame him. The bell rang. Back to class.

The next two classes went by slowly. My first teacher couldn't stop talking about her pet, she always did that. I knew all about little Bruno, the terrier that didn't like water, but did like cats. The next teacher smelled bad. She was a chain smoker and everybody throughout the entire class could smell that. I hated smoking, I hated the smell, I hated what it did to people. My mom used to smoke, that's one of the reasons why she got sick. That made me think about my worry-book again. I thought about the worries I'd written down. 'Missing a mother around me', 'Can't imagine a day without seeing my mother.' I stopped thinking about it because that lump started showing and I had two more classes today, after lunch. The bell finally rang and I felt awful.

I dragged myself through the hallways and saw Edward coming out of his class. I didn't even think, I just ran to him. "Could you come with me, please," I pleaded. He looked at me concerned. He gazed into my eyes and he saw I needed him. I needed to cry. He then nodded, got his bag and I led him outside. The bell just rang, plus it was freezing so nobody was outside yet. I kept walking, not talking to him until we were behind the gym building. I dropped my bag and looked at him. I felt the tears coming up. He dropped his bag and stood there. I took two steps forward, looked down. Then I wrapped my arms around his waist and the first tear started to fall. He wrapped one arm around my shoulder, his cheek on my hair and he rubbed my back with his other hand. He didn't ask anything, I just cried. It was cold but the warmth of our bodies made it bearable. Not having any clue what time it was, the bell suddenly rang. He kept holding me. "We… need to go," I said, wiping the tears from my face. "Are you sure?" he said, still rubbing my back. I nodded. "Thank you, Edward." He looked at me and wiped the final tear from my cheek. We both got our bags and walked to school together. We didn't talk anymore, but I'd never felt so safe in my life.

Edward

She needed me. I didn't care in which freaky way, but she did. The way she looked at me while asking me to come with her was excruciating. It wasn't as bad as two days before, but it was still bad. We didn't have enough time, I could see she'd held a lot inside of her today. I was already fucking nervous for Monday. Would she be better? Would she not need me anymore? Would we talk about it? Would we avoid it? So many fucking things.

When I saw her during the first break today I recognized those eyes. Red and swollen. She'd been crying, hard. Probably alone. I wanted to fucking be there for her when she cried. Apparently she wanted me there too, otherwise she wouldn't have asked me today, right? I didn't even know what was going on, why she had to cry but it was okay. As long as she let me in, I was okay with that. When I was about to go home today, I walked to my Volvo and Alice got out of the car next to me. "I was about to drive away but saw you coming. Thank you, Edward. Just… thank you. For taking care of her. You're a good guy." So Alice knew. I just nodded. As long as Alice didn't fucking tell everyone I was okay with that.

I thought about lunch again. It was freezing, but the way we held each other made it warm. It made me think of Miami. Made me feel like… home. I felt at home with her. On the other hand, if I told myself this when I was in Miami I wondered who that sentimental bastard was. I didn't even fucking care anymore. She made me feel at home, she made me feel safe and I did the same for her. At least, that's what I hoped.

When I came home from school I went upstairs again. I got my guitar off of the wall and started playing 'The Streets of Laredo' and it went well. I thought I was ready for the next chapter: Stretching out: Barre chords. I didn't have a clue what so called barre chords were but I would figure them out. I started reading with playing major barre chords based on E. Man, this could get difficult. I tried to do what the book said but somehow it didn't work quite fucking right. Maybe today wasn't my day, I'd try again tomorrow. For now I just got my iPod and listened to Snow Patrol. I sang along in my head. I pray that something picks me up and sets me down in your warm arms. It made me think of Bella so I put the song on repeat. I wanted to play this song on my guitar. Someday I fucking would.

***

I looked at my alarm clock. Half past six in the morning. Fuck. I'd fallen asleep yesterday right after school? Man, I must've been really fucking tired. I stopped the song my iPod had been playing all night. Two days of not seeing Bella, not knowing if she was okay or if she needed me to get it all out. This could be hell.



Comments are better than Edward relating to lyrics from Snow Patrol.