'I've got the moves like Jagger, I've got the moves like Jagger, I've got the moo-oo-oo-oves like-'
'Shut the bloody hell up, Pippin!' Gandalf shouted.
'Gandalf! Not in front of the children!' Legolas said, sounding shocked.
'There aren't any children here,' Boromir pointed out.
'Well, not in front of Gimli, then!'
'Bugger off, you pointy-eared hippie.' Gandalf then proceeded to swear colourfully for several minutes, while everyone else listened in stunned silence. Merry took notes.
A few minutes later a huge flock of birds flew into the windscreen.
'Bloody birds!'
'They're Crebain from Dunland,' Legolas said to the world at large.
'I don't bloody well care what kind of birds they are!' It was at this point that Gandalf drove into a tree.
'Well, at least the birds are gone,' Aragorn said at length. Gandalf hit him.
'What should we do now?' Boromir asked.
'Why don't we go to Moria?' Gimli suggested. 'My cousin Balin owns a cafe there. He might give us a free meal.'
'No, Gimli,' Gandalf said. 'I think we should drive up that huge, snow-covered mountain there. Now, who wants to put on the snow chains?'


The Fellowship drove up Caradhras in the snow for several hours.

'Winter is coming,' Boromir said impressively.
'Yes, Boromir,' Gandalf said patiently. 'That's what we call it when it gets all cold and snowy.' The snow got steadily heavier.
After a while, there was a quiet 'uh-oh' from the back of the car.
'Frodo, what did you do?' Gandalf asked, stopping the car.
'Well,' the hobbit began in a small voice, 'you know how the window is open?'
'Yes...'
'And you know how I'm sitting next to the window?'
'Yes...'
'And you know how it's quite windy out?'
'Frodo, what happened?'
'Um, the Oreo kind of fell out of the car.'
'FOOL of a Baggins!' the Fellowship got out of the car and sifted through the snow for several minutes, until Boromir found the Oreo. He lifted it out of the snow by its chain and examined it.
'Boromir, give the Oreo to Frodo.'
'But it's shiny!'
'Boromir...'
'Fine.' He handed the Oreo back to Frodo, and the Fellowship got back in the car and continued driving.
Suddenly Legolas said, 'There is a fell voice on the air!'
Gandalf frowned. 'Come on, Justin Bieber's not that bad.'
'Yes, he is,' chorused the other eight occupants of the car. Then Aragorn said, 'Wait, you're listening to Justin Bieber?'
Gandalf shrugged. 'It was the first CD I found.' Everyone turned to stare at Gimli.
'Hey, it's my dad's car,' he said defensively.
'Your dad listens to Justin Bieber?' Just then a crackling sound came through the speakers, followed by a different voice.
'Trolololololololololololololo...'
'It's Sourman!' Aragorn yelled. 'He's trolling to bring down the mountain! Gandalf, we must turn back!'
'No!' Gandalf shouted. 'I don't know how to reverse!' Then a massive avalanche buried the car.
'What now?' Legolas asked, as they all sat in the car, under several feet of snow.
'We must get off the mountain! Make for the Gap of Rohan and take the west road to my city!' Boromir shouted.
'The Gap of Rohan leads us too close to Isengard!' Aragorn yelled.
'Why are you both shouting?' Frodo asked. 'You're both sitting in the same car, about five feet apart.'
'Let's go to Moria!' Gimli suggested for the fifteenth time. Gandalf threw up his hands in exasperation.
'Fine! We'll go to Moria! Now, who wants to dig us out of the snow?'
Aragorn and Legolas got out of the car, armed with snow shovels that had somehow magically appeared out of nowhere. When they were done, Gandalf turned around and drove off to Moria.


Gandalf parked in front of Moria and then got out of the car to examine the automatic doors, which were sealed by a password lock screen thingy.
'"The mall of Moria. Speak friend, and enter",' Gandalf read. 'Anyone have any idea what that means?' The rest of the Fellowship shook their heads. 'Ah well, We might as well have picnic while we're here.' Everyone piled out of the car with picnic baskets that had somehow magically appeared out of nowhere.
'Could you pass the melon?' Gandalf asked. At his words, the automatic doors sprung open.
'Hey, what happened?' Frodo said.
'Well, perhaps the password was "mellon", the Elvish word for "friend",' Merry suggested. 'The two words, "melon" and "mellon" are phonetically similar enough that Gandalf could have accidentally triggered the password lock.' Everyone stared at him.
Suddenly two tentacles sprung up out of cracks in the parking lot and waved threateningly.
'It's Elrond's eyebrows! They've come to eat us all!' Sam screamed, and ran back to the car. The eyebrows began attacking Frodo.
'Legolas, help me!' he yelled. Legolas looked round.
'Nah.'
Eventually the eyebrows got bored and went away, and Frodo jumped into the car. The rest of the Fellowship followed him, and soon Gandalf was driving inside Moria.
The shopping complex was eerily silent. All the stores were empty, and many were boarded up.
'This place is freaky. Let's get out of here!' Boromir said.
'No, it is too narrow to do a U-turn,' Gandalf replied, switching on the headlights. 'We must face the long dark of Moria.'


*Elrond walks in*
Director: And what product are you advertising?
Elrond: I don't have a product.
Director: This is an advertising studio. You have to have a product to advertise.
Elrond: I'm sorry. I just came here to look for some company. *sniffs theatrically* I get so lonely sometimes…
Director: Okaayyyy…
Elrond: *sniffing* Ever since my wife sailed into the West, nearly six hundred years ago….
Director: There, there… *pats Elrond on the back awkwardly*
Half an hour later
Elrond: *tearfully* And my daughter chose a mortal life, and will be ever sundered from me…
Director: There, there…. *pats Elrond on the back awkwardly*
Three hours later
Elrond: *sniffling* And now my ring of power doesn't even work! *bursts noisily into tears*
Director: o_O


Bronze Cat: Oh, yeah! Hula Hoops are also good for that. Ah, the minivan of dwarves. I have plans for a Hobbit prequel to this, featuring the very vehicle.
Do tell Granny Weatherwax I said hi. Did you take them to Ankh-Morpork? I hear the river is at its most solid this time of year. And here is a Sam, precious, to call your very own. I don't recommend wearing him on a chain round your neck, though.

Rorythedragon: Hehe. I think he has a few more lines in the chapter than the last one…

Gollum girl2003 Coraline: According to the Internets, parodic is a word. You can have Sam, if you're willing to share him with the other reviewers.
Sam: Don't I get a say in this?
RO: no.

Nirette: It's a magical car, which never runs out of gas… maybe… *shifty eyes*

LegolasGreenleafLove: Heeere's Frodo! (I've watched that clip way too many times) And it's good you're still alive.

Doctor Legolas: Here is a Pippin, complete with operating manual.

Sablestar Braveheart: Me too! Although walking barefoot would be extremely painful… you can have post-Ring Frodo, with slight mental scarring and only nine fingers. As with post-Balrog Glorfindel, you might want to keep him away from open flames. And jewellery, for that matter.