Author' Notes – Nope, not mine...unfortunately!

Here you guys go! Another chapter complete. We are finally to the point where we are touching on the events that happened all those years ago. Poor Nell! It's gonna be a rough couple chapters for her! This chapter pretty much wrote itself with little to no help from me and it is nice to get past the chapters that are establishing where everyone is currently at on the journey!

As always, read and review! I am anxious to see what everyone thinks of the chapter. Even if you post a review as a guest, it is good to hear your opinion!

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She knew he would come. It was just a matter of time. The number of places she would go were not very high and, after leaving OSP so abruptly, it didn't take a genius to know her head wasn't in a good space. She arrived back her place. The place she had steadfastly avoided during the investigation until she was forced to come back. After they caught Herrold, she had stayed away once again.

She had always thought she would be that woman. You know, the ones you see in the movies that say screw you bad guy there is no way you are keeping me from my own house. But she wasn't. Sure she had her moments of bravado when the team told her she couldn't go back while they were investigating. But that was really all it was. She knew, without a shadow of a doubt, they would never let her come back until he was caught. Until the madman was stopped and the threat was neutralized. So it was safe to throw around her disgust at the notion all while knowing she would never have to back her bluff.

Stepping foot inside her home, she thought back to the last time she was there. How she had talked to Hetty after seeing the footage. How she knew that something had to be done and that something meant putting herself back in her house. Back in the cross hairs of a man who had taken so much from her. She watched Hetty's reactions and used her expansive knowledge of the woman to gauge just how strong she needed to be perceived in order to convince the small woman there were no other viable options. In the end, Hetty agreed. Without much fight or fanfare really. She knew this man was not going to stop until he got what he wanted.

As she walks into the living room, she is struck by how in order everything is. It was the night she came back to use herself as bait as well. Like nothing had happened. She had wondered a few times since who had cleaned the place. Honestly, it is such a minor thing that she could never bring herself to ask. Especially in light of everything that had been happening. After awhile, it never seemed to matter enough to ask. Just one more little detail that she didn't quite know that answer too.

Taking a step further into the room, she forces her mind to disregard the feeling of unease coursing through her body. It's one of the first times she wonders if coming home permanently is even an option. She can't imagine ever feeling safe in these walls again. The sanctuary she had built for herself was destroyed. Now it was a place where flashes of fear and pain were just as prevalent as happiness and calm. Probably more prevalent. If she were honest with herself, she couldn't even say why she came back. She had been determined the night before to let the past go. Process, file, and move on. Pretend none of it had happened. Start over. Do the same thing she had done all those years ago. Rinse and repeat.

Except it wasn't as easy this time around. Not that is was easy per se all those years ago, but she distinctly remembers once the decision was made to shut that part of her life down it just seemed to happen. Now though. Now, it isn't going down that same path. When she left for work this morning, she was good. Operation pretend nothing happened was in full swing. Hell, even showing up in ops went fine. Sure she got a look or two, but nothing was said. Then she ran into Callen. Literally. And he looked so lost. Mind over heart lost and she pulled him into that conference room. The look in his eyes and how it felt to have him staring at her like they were the only two alive. The words he spoke. Feeling his hand on her face. His lips on hers.

Nell shakes her head and tries to pull back from the memories. The war waging inside her right now is in full swing and it is all she can do to stop the tears. She takes a shuddering breath as she regains control of her emotions. "Damnit!" The word is said to no one in particular and Nell wonders if she is going about this all wrong. She knows how unfair it is to place Callen in the same box as Herrold. They are nothing alike. The look in their eyes. The feel of the their hands on her. The way they seem to place her in a category that houses no one else. Like polar opposites. Except Herrold started out just the same. He made her laugh. He had a gentle touch. Seemed sincere and said all the right things. And she trusted him. Without even a second thought.

She can feel the memories of that night flood back as her mind reminds her why she can't trust herself. Trust her instincts. She was wrong. So wrong all those years ago. Not just with Herrold. With the men before him. Admittingly there weren't many before, but the ones she thought she could trust always ended badly. She handed more than one man her trust and each one shattered it. There is no way she can even consider letting another man do the same. Even with all his sincerity, Nell has little doubt things will end just as badly with Callen. It's a risk she is unwilling to even consider. At least on a logical level. Now if she could just convince the rest of herself.

Taking a deep breath, Nell tries to rethink her strategy. Before she can do much considering, she feels a presence in the room. It momentarily strikes her how she is still attuned to her surroundings. The team always say it is because Hetty must be training her. Teaching her all those secret ninja skills. She let them believe that was the case. Truth of the matter is, Hetty had nothing to do with it. Her skills were developed with the intent of keeping herself safe from anything and everything. They were born out of necessity.

"You do realize I know you are there, right?" She turns and faces the man standing in her living room as she takes in the small upturn of his lips. Watching him nod in affirmation, Nell moves further into the room and farther away from his body. Allowing the silence to overtake them, she knows conversation is avoidable. Once she feels comfortable, she turns to face him once again as she starts to speak. Maybe some honesty would do everyone some good. Maybe that is should be the new strategy.

"It took you a little longer than I had expected." She watches the look of slight confusion span across his features. "To get here. Find me. I hadn't figured it would take you as long as it did."

Choosing his words carefully as he stays firmly planted in the spot she first discovered him. "Is that a bad thing?"

Considering the question, "No." Shrugging her shoulders, "Just is I guess." She moves to look at a photo frame on the wall, "I'm not even sure why I came. I mean I knew I would end up here eventually. Just not today." She turns to face him once again. "Maybe I was hoping some sense of closure would magically appear if I came here. Like everything would just make sense."

Finding a wall behind him and leaning back against it with his arms crossed, "And has it?"

"Not really." She pauses for a moment and he gives the time she needs to keep sharing, "When I moved in here, I wanted a place I could just let everything go. Not worry about keeping up appearances or if I was safe. Just a place to come I knew was a safe haven." Looking around the expanse of the interior she can readily see, "And that was what is was. Just a familiar place that I could be at ease in and never have to answer questions or wonder what would happen."

"And now?" He tips his head slightly to the left as he completes his thought, "Now what is it?"

Regarding him for moment, "I don't know." She looks down at her hands and he knows she is forcing herself to continue. "The night I went out with my friends to the bar. I was so excited that night. It had been such a long time since I just really let myself have fun. Things had been so busy with the team and I just wanted a night where I wasn't on guard." Walking towards the middle of the room, Nell stops short of sitting in one of the chairs. "I had spent so many years keeping myself locked down. And being with team. Seeing them together and watching how much fun they have made me think that I could have the same. When my friends called, I just wanted to let go. Didn't quite work out, did it?"

Risking a negative reaction, he moves slowly into the living room and claims the seat across the coffee table where she is still standing. He watches as she takes the opposite chair and gives her time to settle in hoping she will continue her monologue without any interference from him. After seeing her smooth the lack of wrinkles on her pants and fidget with her hands for a moment, he is rewarded with her voice.

"The clothes I bought for that night. It was like something I would have worn in college without a second thought. It was like I was trying to go back in time. Recapture how free I felt when I was at all those parties. I was so nervous that I almost changed out of them, but my friends got there before I could actually do it. Once they saw me, they pulled me out the door before I could even think and we were off." Glancing over in his direction, "You know I understand why women feel like they were asking for it."

Masking the reaction that threatened to flit across his features, "Did you feel like you were asking for it, Nell?" He is more than a little dismayed by the revelation because he is aware that, despite what her answer ends up being, she has already admitted she finds fault in herself. It really isn't an uncommon reaction. It just isn't one that he had necessary thought would occur to her.

She shakes her head all while examining something that isn't really present on her fingers. "No. I mean not really. I just can see why women would think something like that. I mean, if I hadn't gone out. If I hadn't worn the clothes I was wearing." She point to her head as she chuckles nervously, "You know all the what ifs that jump into your mind. I see why they do that. Because I could have stayed home. I could have said worn something else. All the other people that were there. They were all dressed in a lot of different ways. Maybe if I hadn't worn what I had, then he wouldn't have picked me."

He can see the moment she disappears into herself and he suddenly realizes they are no longer talking about being in the bar with her friends. She is talking about that night in college. The first time she met Herrold. He unconsciously holds his breath as he lets her find her voice again. He had hoped to touch on the subject at some point, but she had kept it such a closely guarded secret that he no expectation she would talk about this soon.

"I had become this girl that was so different than who I was before. I knew I needed to find a middle ground. I couldn't keep jumping to such extremes. When I went to college, I just wanted to reinvent myself. Be the total opposite of what I was in high school. So, I spent the first year putting myself out there. And every weekend was the same. I would dress up, find a party, drink it up, laugh it up, and pass out somewhere." As if almost uncomfortable, Nell stands and walks over the window in the front of the room. "I have no idea how became that girl. I mean obviously high school was a bust and I am pretty sure the only reason people wanted me around then was to have a reason to laugh. For once, I just wanted to be the girl everyone wanted to be around. The fun one that always got invited to the best parties."

She turns to face him, but her gaze never quite meets his. "And you know what. I loved it. It was such a different place for me. I was part of the group for once. Enjoying the moment. It was everything I had wished high school had been. Then, it just seemed like a waste. Like I was going too far the other way and I was still pretending. I still wasn't me. I guess I woke up one day and realized I was just as lonely as I had been in high school."

Coming back across the floor, Nell takes a place on the couch. He makes a mental note of her proximity wondering if it is a subconscious decision or one she chose intentionally in case she feels overwhelmed and needs an anchor. "I wasn't even supposed to go the party that night. I had told my roommate I had other plans. But something made me go anyway. I don't know, I guess I figured one last hurrah before I swore off that part of my life. I walked in and tried to play the role of the happy party girl, but I just couldn't do it. I couldn't make myself let go. So, I found a corner and just watched people. I wondered how many of them were thinking the same thing I was."

Pulling her legs up into her chest and surrounding them with her hands, he is acutely aware Nell is about to talk about a part of her life she has never shared with anyone. He maintains an even demeanor while setting a small smile on his face as she looks over in his direction. He hopes it comes across as comforting and allows her to feel like she can share this part of herself with him.

"I saw him from across the room. He was tall and had dark hair. Something about him made me wonder why he was there. It was like he was there because that was what was expected. Like maybe he was thinking the same thing as me. I was so enthralled by him that I couldn't do anything but watch his movements. After a few minutes of watching him, I went to get a drink. As soon as I turned around, I ran right into him. I hadn't even realized he had come up behind me. I apologized to him and all he did was smile. He introduced himself and told me he had seen me watching him." She contemplates the sentence for a moment as if something clicks in her head hearing it said it aloud. "I probably should have been embarrassed when he told me that, but I wasn't. It didn't even bother me that he knew I had been watching him. And then we just started talking. Found a corner in one of the back rooms that wasn't as noisy and just talked." Glancing over at him, "He seemed so normal. I mean like nothing was up. How is that? Shouldn't there have been warning bells or something going off in my head?"

Cursing the questions, he thinks for a second before answering. He had really been hoping she would just keep the monologue running and not interrupt the flow. "Our bodies are hardwired with intuition, but most of us have been taught to ignore that intuition. Don't admit to being afraid. If you are uncomfortable push past it and keep moving forward. Especially women. The whole idea that you don't want to look weak, so you keep yourself in situations that you may have otherwise removed yourself from just to prove you are strong." He watches as she processes the words. "Honestly though, this guy is a sociopath and that is why he was able to bypass any unease you think you should have felt. He is a master at manipulation and can be anything or anyone. I'm sure you saw him as charming and highly intelligent. Don't feel like you missed something because no warning bells went off in your head, Nell." Judging by the look her face, it appears she is at least entertaining the notion that she didn't miss something.

Taking confidence in the fact that she is engaging him in the conversation, he pushes forward. ""What else do you remember about him?" When he sees her body visibly tense, he wonders if maybe he shouldn't have asked the question. Knowing that speaking again will not help her discomfort, he lets her have the time she needs. "Talking to him was like talking to an old friend. Like he was one of the few people that got me. It was almost as if he understood exactly where I was coming from and he didn't judge where I had been. We talked for a couple hours and I couldn't stop myself from opening up to him. I talked about things I had never shared with anyone. Does that make any sense?" After seeing him nod, she continues, "He never tried anything. Never touched me. Never even got in my personal space. He was so different than all the other guys I had met. Those guys just saw a party girl they figured would give it up with enough booze and charm."

She looked at him suddenly as if needing to clarify. "I didn't you know. Give it up. I never did that. Even with all the parties. The alcohol and offers. I never slept with any of them." She gasped in a breath as she covered her mouth, "Do you think that was why he came up to me?" It was like she was just considering the possibility that maybe she was targeted as a conquest to have since no one else had ever succeeded in bedding her.

He gave her a sad smile, "No, I don't think that was why. It had nothing to do with what you were wearing or whether the other guys had talked about you refusing to sleep with them. If anything, those guys would have lied and said you did sleep with them in order to keep up appearances."

For the first time since arriving, he sees tears welling up in her eyes. He is actually comforted by the display and knows it a good sign that she is actually allowing herself to process what happened. To work through pain of the past instead of burying it. "If none of those were the reason, then why me?" The tears are now freely falling down her face as she tries to come to terms with one very small piece of the puzzle.