I couldn't sleep that night my thoughts were all over the place. They ranged from thoughts of Abby, to Logan and I just couldn't shut off my mind long enough for sleep to take over. I sighed and rolled over so that I was on my side.
Why must life be so complicated? Everything was fine…okay not fine, but at least I was in control of things. Right now I have no idea what to think. I miss Logan that's for sure, but is he ready for this kind of commitment? I can't let Abby get hurt and if he's not one hundred percent into this then I fear she's not the only one that going to get hurt.
I can't bring myself to have Logan in my life and not want what we had. He's the love of my life and I don't see that changing anytime soon. And that scares me. I hurt him so much that I don't deserve to have him in my life anymore after I let him go. He has a right to move one.
… What if he did move on and I'm just fooling myself? It's possible, isn't it? He can have any girl he wants so why should he stay with me? And what if he's just staying with me because of Abby? I don't want him to feel obligated to be with me. We have been apart for three years, who knows, things could have changed a lot from back when we were nineteen. I may be in his heart anymore like I was. I can't get my hopes up so it's best if I distance myself from him, that way it won't hurt as much when I find out he a girl in his heart that's not me.
I don't know when I fell into a deep sleep, but the next thing I knew I was being woken up by very energetic little girl.
"Mommy! Mommy," she yelled while jumping on the bed. I grabbed her and brought her down next to me. I tickled her and her laughter filled the room. "Mommy, let go!" She squirmed and struggled to get out of my grasped. I stopped tickling her but did not let her go.
"So, why are you up so early young lady?" I asked as I sat up.
"So, you're finally awake?" I heard a husky voice say. I looked up and saw Logan leaning against the door frame.
"How did you get in here?" I asked in a soft voice. He pointed at Abby.
"You should tell Abbs not to open the door without you or an adult. " He said and walks up to me. I inwardly sighed so much for distancing myself.
"Abby, how many times have I told not to open the door to strangers?" I scolded the little girl, she look at me like I was crazy.
"Logey, is no stranger mommy." She told me defiantly. I had to laugh at that. She has a nickname for Logan though I can't help but feel guilty she's not calling him daddy. If things were different she would be calling him that and not that nickname.
"You're right sweetie he isn't, but you never know who could be behind that door. So, promise me not to open it without me or Zoey or some other grown up you know okay?"
"Ok, mommy." She muttered, a bit upset at being scolded. But she quickly recovered and had a smile on her face. She looked at Logan. "Logey, can we eat now?"
"Sure, as soon as you're mommy is up and dressed." He answered her and I looked at him confused.
"You cook? Since when?" I asked. He laughed and nodded.
"Yeah, I learned how to make a few things, since I was mostly on my own when I was in London. I didn't want to be dependent on people." He replied and there was a deeper meaning to it but I let it go for now.
"What did you make?"
"Pancakes!" Abby said excitedly and then added. "I helped!"
I give them a weird look because I'm imagining the kitchen to be a huge mess. I hope I'm wrong.
I get up and shoo them out of my room. I look through my closet and decide to wear something extra casual, an oversize T-shirt and black leggings and some black flats. I let my hair fall freely after I brushed it. I give myself a once over and then exist my room.
I hesitantly make my way to the kitchen. I really don't want to see a mess. I entered the kitchen and was shocked to see it as clean as I left it yesterday. I underestimated Logan, but who can blame me. He was terrible at cooking when we were dating.
"Morning." I greeted and sat next to Abby. There was a big stack of pancakes on the center of the table.
I looked at Logan.
"You don't expect us to finish all of those do you?"
"Well, I don't know about you but I'm pretty hungry." He says and I laugh when Abby says a 'me two'. Abby will get full after her second, I'd eat like three so that leave around five or six for Logan. He's going to get sick if he eats all of them.
"Whatever you say." I said and started eating. I have to admit that the pancakes are pretty good even better than my own and that's saying something. I don't really like saying that things are better than my own. "mmm. These pancakes are pretty good, Logan. I'm impressed."
"I'll take that compliment; though I'm sure you underestimated my cooking abilities."
{ ~^***~^ ~***~^ }
After we finished eating, we sat on the couch and watched a movie of Abby's choice.
So, now we are watching the Little Mermaid. It's a good movie, but I've seen so many times I know the whole movie by heart. I'm not really paying attention to it anyways. My thoughts are revolving around Logan and this situation.
What's going to happen to us? Is there a chance we could fix our relationship or are we just going to be friends?
I would like if we could become a couple again. But I think that's just wishful thinking on my part. Why would he what to be my boyfriend after the way I ended things and keep the fact that he had a daughter away from him. If I was him I wouldn't forgive me. So, what's to say he will?
I love him, but I don't need him to stay with me just because we have a daughter together. I need him to want to not feel obligated to. It wouldn't be fair on him to be with someone he no longer loves. If he has moved on, I'll understand and do the same. We'll be separated parents. I know that will affect Abby later on; it is better that way than her growing up with parents that don't love each other like they should.
"Mommy?"
I looked at Abby. "Yes, sweetie?"
She looked at me and then to Logan who is next to her. Her face shows that she's deep in thought.
"Are we gonna be a family, you, me, and Logey?" She asked and I stare at her, unable to respond. Logan exhales shakily.
"What makes you think that?" He asked her after a few minutes of silence.
"I don't know. It feels like we are a family. We ate breakfast together like one and we went to the fair together. Is Logey my daddy?" She says and I pale. She's so close to the truth and I have no idea how to respond. Logan is her dad, but can we be the family that she wants?
To Be Continued…..
Was it good? Bad? So/so?
Sorry if there's any mistakes.
Sorry for the long wait…I've been very busy with school.
