Several hours later (imagine that being said with a terrible French accent, like the announcer from Spongebob Squarepants)


Chapter 7

"Wow...back already?"

"Yes."

"It's only been two hours and seven minutes. I didn't think I'd even be seeing you again until at least Wednesday."

"..."

"So are you going to dazzle me with your wealth of knowledge and profound insight into the human psyche?"

"Maybe."

"Well then, by all means, commence with the dazzling."

"We've established that in order to have recovered so quickly from me asking you to move out of the loft, you must have been preoccupied with something else."

"I think it was just you who established that. But okay."

"Given what I know about you, of all the possible sources of your current distraction, the two most likely candidates are sex and drugs."

"..."

"But you're submitting to weekly blood tests."

"Which you no doubt went to the trouble to confirm."

"And even if you weren't, you're way too coherent to be stoned."

"If you say so."

"So that just leaves sex."

"Damn."

"What?"

"I thought for sure you'd head straight for the heroin theory. When you're making baseless assumptions about me, it's almost always the first thing on your list."

"Taking into consideration your current disposition and the nature of the modifications you've made to your behavior and appearance, I think it's safe to say that whatever it is that's distracting you, you're enjoying it."

"..."

"I've come to the conclusion that if the source of your distraction really is a relationship with another person, that relationship is probably more than just a casual one."

"Why would you assume that?"

"Well...because you said so yourself. You've made some drastic changes. And I doubt you would do so for someone who was little more than an acquaintance."

"Hmm."

"What?"

"Well that certainly is a plausible theory."

"Which part?"

"All of it."

"..."

"Although I'm still finding it hard to believe that you had to struggle so much to figure it out."

"What do you mean?"

"Clearly you haven't been paying very close attention, or you would have reached that conclusion a whole lot sooner."

"..."

"Of course it's only fair to acknowledge that you've been a little distracted yourself."

"Wait...so you really are..."

"Getting laid?"

"Yeah."

"It's hard to imagine, I know. Still having trouble believing it myself."

"Huh."

"..."

"So...I guess the most appropriate question to ask would be who is she?"

"Oh, shame on you."

"For what?"

"You shouldn't make assumptions like that."

"I haven't made any assumptions."

"You're assuming that the person in question is a she."

"What are you saying...you're dating a man?"

"No...I'm saying you shouldn't make assumptions."

"Are you dating a guy or not?"

"No."

"..."

"But naturally, that hasn't stopped me from perpetuating the rumor that she used to be a man."

"..."

"Oh, you're so cute when you're speechless. Just like a little chipmunk. Hold that pose. I'm going to get my camera."

"You told me it was just that one night."

"I lied."

"You said it was sympathy sex."

"It probably was."

"And the sex that followed?"

"Apparently wasn't."

"Why the hell would you lie about something like that?"

"So I wouldn't have to engage in annoying conversations like this one."

"Yeah...but that's usually the kind of thing you'd go out of your way to rub in my face."

"What can I say? Your face was busy."

"..."

"Hey...it was bound to catch up with us eventually."

"What was?"

"All the innuendos and subtext. When you carry on like that, for an extended period of time, ultimately one of two things will happen. Technically three. You either end up doing it or you kill each other...or some combination of the two."

"I would have put my money on the second one."

"Me too."

"Do you consider yourselves to be a couple? I mean, what are you? Are you boyfriend and girlfriend?"

"We haven't decided yet."

"..."

"So you can put away your label maker."

"How long has this been going on?"

"Since the end of May."

"Wait...you've been dating Cuddy for eight weeks."

"Nine actually."

"..."

"Although I'm not sure that dating is really the appropriate term."

"But you've been sleeping with her, right?"

"..."

"How the hell did you manage to hide this from me?"

"You made it pretty easy."

"How?"

"I wasn't even trying to hide it from you, and it still took you over two months to notice."

"I don't understand how you can possibly blame me for your inability to bring something to my attention."

"First of all, I'm not blaming anyone for anything...and second, I didn't realize I was supposed to be bringing anything to your attention."

"I'm not saying you're supposed to. I'm saying...it would be nice."

"Nice, but not necessary."

"Since when the hell do you care about what's necessary?"

"Oh, you'd be surprised."

"What I'm trying to say is...you shouldn't assume that I'm aware of something, unless you have personally seen to it that I was informed."

"I'll be sure and keep that in mind...you know, in case there's ever anything in my life that I care to make you aware of."

"..."

"Say you're out driving around and you approach an intersection."

"God...not this again."

"Oh, humor me."

"Fine...I'm out driving around and I approach an intersection."

"And as you're doing so, something distracts you."

"Okay."

"What is it?"

"How the hell would I know?"

"There's no wrong answer. Just name something that might distract you while you're driving."

"Maybe I'm adjusting my stereo?"

"Perfect. So you're driving around and as you're approaching an intersection, you choose that very moment to adjust your stereo."

"Okay."

"But because you're not paying close enough attention, you don't notice that the light is actually red. So you drive right through it."

"Where are you going with this?"

"That depends on how you answer my next question."

"And what's the question?"

"Whose fault is it that you ran the red light?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, who is morally and legally responsible for the fact that you ran through a red light?"

"Is this a trick question?"

"No. I really am looking for the most obvious, most logical response."

"Okay...I'd be responsible."

"Why?"

"Because I was the one who was driving."

"Excellent."

"What did you think I was going to say?"

"Based on your attitude and your aversion to taking personal responsibility for...pretty much anything, I would have expected you to say that it was the light's fault, for being red."

"..."

"The problem with that is...the red light was exactly where it was supposed to be, doing exactly what it was supposed to do. Therefore it cannot not be held responsible for your lack of observational skills."

"I would not blame the light for being red. That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard."

"You blaming me for your lack of interest in my life is only slightly less ridiculous."

"So this thing with Cuddy...is it serious?"

"As opposed to what?"

"As opposed to casual and meaningless."

"I think so."

"Are you planning to live together?"

"Don't know."

"You mean, you haven't discussed it?"

"Remember what I said before, about not confiding in you?"

"Right."

"..."

"She has a kid."

"So?"

"So you're okay with dating someone who has a kid?"

"It doesn't bother me as much as I thought it would."

"..."

"It actually doesn't bother me at all. The kid's pretty low key, compared to the average eighteen month old. She doesn't even cry all that much."

"Uh huh."

"..."

"Sorry...I'm just having trouble picturing it."

"Picturing what?"

"You, choosing to be in the same room with a baby."

"..."

"I'm curious about these so called boundaries of yours."

"What about them?"

"Can we still do things together?"

"I'm assuming you mean hypothetically."

"Why would you assume that?"

"Because we haven't hung out in over in three months."

"..."

"Although I can't help finding it amusing."

"Finding what amusing?"

"That by the time you finally get around to showing some interest in me, I'm unavailable."

"..."

"Yes, Wilson. We can still do things together."

"Great."

"..."

"Do you want to get something to eat?"

"You mean right this second?"

"Yes."

"I just ate lunch an hour ago...and I'm still not done with this paperwork."

"Okay...well how about dinner?"

"Tonight?"

"Yeah."

"I...think I'm going to have to take a rain check."

"Why?"

"Because I already have plans."

"Plans to do what? I just spoke with Cuddy five minutes ago. She said she's going to be in an emergency meeting with the ethics committee until ten o'clock."

"I know. That's why I'm busy."

"Why would Cuddy being in a board meeting mean that you're busy?"

"I'm leaving at four-thirty today."

"To do what?"

"To relieve the nanny."

"You're not serious."

"…"

"You're serious?"

"You can come over, if you want. I'm sure Cuddy wouldn't mind. I'll be wrapping up this paperwork and folding laundry."

"..."

"I'm sure it will be very exciting. And Rachel will be in her high chair, mutilating her dinner, until it's been broken down by her salivary enzymes and transformed into a completely unrecognizable mush."

"..."

"It's actually a rather fascinating process."

"So you'd rather watch a toddler play with her food than hang out with me."

"Well...she doesn't spend nearly as much time proselytizing."

"..."

"Of course her vocabulary is sort of limited."

"…"

"She does drool way more than you do, though. But I think that's only because she's teething."

"There's no way this is noble."

"Why not?"

"Uh…because you're you."

"Okay."

"What do you mean, okay?"

"I mean okay. Thanks for sharing your opinion."

"…"

"It's contrived, presumptuous and completely unfounded. But still…I'm so glad that you felt comfortable enough to share it with me."

"So that's it?"

"Is what it?"

"You're not going to fight me on this."

"There's no need."

"..."

"It's not going to change what you think and it's definitely not going to change how I feel. So why bother arguing about it?"

"You expect me to believe that you enjoy babysitting? Are you sure you're not taking an interest in this kid's life, just so you can get laid?"

"I'm not actually. But would that really be so terrible?"

"..."

"I know why I'm doing what I'm doing, Wilson. I'm pretty sure Cuddy knows why I'm doing what I'm doing. I'm sorry to have to tell you this. But at this point in my life, whether or not you're willing to believe my actions are noble has become completely irrelevant to me."

"..."

"I know you know that I'm in therapy, which means I've been discussing my issues at length with someone who isn't you. I also know that the closer I get to being mentally healthy, the less interested in my life you become."

"..."

"Bottom line...whether or not you're still interested in me or my life in any way has become irrelevant to me."

"..."

"The odd thing is...I always thought I'd be the one."

"The one who what?"

"Pushed our friendship past its breaking point."

"What are you saying?"

"That you can only blow someone off so many times, before it breeds contempt."

"And that's what this is, contempt?"

"Cuddy works enough as it is. I don't think she even understands the concept of free time or relaxation. She already feels guilty about leaving the kid with a sitter for eight to ten hours a day. She probably won't be home until after midnight. There's no need to pay the nanny double time to do something I could do for free. And this way…there's one less thing for her to stress about."

"And let me guess. If she's stressed out, you don't get laid."

"If that's how you want to look at it."

"How do you look at it?"

"If I were that desperate for release, I'd take fifteen to twenty minutes and masturbate. I wouldn't voluntarily devote eight hours to doing something that I supposedly despise."

"..."

"And as someone who has been married three times, I find it hard to believe that the notion of compromise is foreign to you. Of course you've also been divorced three times. So I could be wrong."

"So you're saying that Cuddy would prefer that you be the one taking care of her child, as opposed to a woman she hired, who was trained specifically for that purpose?"

"Apparently."

"..."

"I am curious about something, though."

"What?"

"Why would you assume that sex was the basis of our relationship?"

"You mean it's not?"

"I'm not really sure yet. I'm just curious as to what might have led you to make such an observation."

"I...don't know."

"Huh."

"..."

"See...I get what you're trying to do, Wilson. I even understand exactly why you're doing it. And you're certainly entitled to your opinions. But try as you might, I refuse to allow you to taint this with your speculation."

"Excuse me? Who the hell am I talking to?"

"If you have some deeper, Freudian theory about my relationship with Cuddy, I don't want to hear about it. I don't want to know what you think it means, or why you think it's happening, or how long you think it's going to last, before I find some way to screw it up."

"…"

"And besides that, I'm not doing anything to you that you haven't done to me a hundred times before."

"What does that mean?"

"It's no fun being the third wheel, is it?"

"That's why you're doing this?"

"Yes. I staged a fake romantic relationship with my boss, entirely for the purposes of exacting revenge. Thank God she wasn't busy, or I'd have had to hire someone."

"Like you haven't done that before."

"I was ticked off when you kicked me out, Wilson. But in hindsight...I should probably be thanking you."

"Why?"

"Because if you hadn't, I would never have found out the truth."

"What truth?"

"That apparently...I can form a long-term connection with someone other than you."

"..."

"I doubt you were doing so consciously. In fact, I'm sure you weren't. But all these years you've been dangling it over my head."

"Dangling what over your head?"

"The constant reminder that I could become expendable at any given moment. You made sure I knew that you could walk away from me, whenever the hell you wanted, and not look back. And because of that, you maintained total control over our relationship."

"..."

"The tables have turned. That's all. I didn't plan it and it's not something I'm doing on purpose. But for the moment anyway, you appear to have become...extraneous."

"..."

"I feel good right now, Wilson...better than I've felt in a long time."

"I'm glad, House. I'm glad."

"I'm sure you are...or at least, I'm sure that you believe you are."

"..."

"But to be perfectly honest...I'm reluctant to socialize with you, at this point."

"Why?"

"Because frankly...I already know that you're going to drag me down."

"Drag you down how?"

"Friends are supposed to be supportive, right?"

"Theoretically speaking."

"But being around them should make you feel better about yourself, not worse."

"Wait a minute...you're saying that spending time with me makes you feel worse?"

"Generally, yes."

"..."

"But that wasn't always the case. Probably just...the last year or two."

"..."

"Or maybe a little closer to five."

"..."

"Or ten, now that I think about it."

"..."

"But anyway...I spent almost thirty years of my life deliberately driving people away, going home to an empty apartment, having nowhere to go on holidays, eating take-out, and grocery shopping for one."

"..."

"So now that I have the chance, maybe I just want to spend time with the people who have become, for the moment anyway...my family."

"Your family? You think of Rachel as your family?"

"Weren't you the one who made the observation that the people with whom we spend the majority of our time are technically are family?"

"Yes...and I believe you mocked that observation."

"..."

"Weren't you the one who mocked Cuddy for even considering adoption?"

"Yes."

"That's it? That's your brilliant retort?"

"What do you want me to say? It's not like I can deny it."

"..."

"I mean, why even bother pointing out such a thing? Just because you're completely oblivious to your own hypocrisies, doesn't mean everyone else is."

"..."

"What the hell do you want from me, Wilson? Why are we even having this conversation?"

"I'm worried about you."

"Why?"

"You're not acting like yourself."

"Are you sure?"

"What do you mean, am I sure?"

"I mean...are you sure you even know who that is?"

"..."

"House...you're freaking me out."

"Then go away. I won't stop you."

"..."

"Why would you go out of your way to subject yourself to someone or something that is, as you so eloquently put it, freaking you out?"

"..."

"See...I came to a realization recently."

"..."

"Actually it might have been closer to a religious experience. Or not. I don't know. I don't really have anything to compare it to. But it was like...it was like I was waking up after being asleep for a really long time."

"..."

"And suddenly it was as though...up until that very moment, I'd gone my entire life without ever really seeing myself."

"..."

"And when I finally did glance at the mirror, I didn't like what I saw."

"What did you see?"

"Someone who was consciously choosing to be unhappy."

"And you actually think that you can change that, after all these years?"

"I don't know. I hope so."

"Well...that's great."

"Isn't it?"

"..."

"And yet you seem kind of depressed now."

"No kidding...I can't imagine why."

"Seems like a bit of an overreaction to me."

"What?"

"I mean, think about it. What have you really lost?"

"..."

"Face it, you haven't lost anything that isn't easily replaced."

"How can you even say that?"

"Because it's true."

"..."

"So I'm sure if you look around, you can find some other desperate, morally inferior, friendless, crippled drug addict with no self esteem to help you feel better about yourself."

"..."

"Heck, this is a hospital. The building's probably crawling with them."

"..."

"And if you can't find one, you've always got Sam."

"..."

"I can't tell you how glad I am, that we had this talk."

"I'll bet."

"So will be joining me this evening? I'm making meatloaf."

"I...don't think so."

"Suit yourself."