Chapter 7: The way we were
Ray immediately knew he had said the wrong thing. It was the look in Fraser's eyes. Damn his unfailing ability to always fuck things up. It took everything he had to not curse out loud when he saw that familiar look appear on Fraser's face. The blank Mountie look. And now Fraser was going to say something which would be super polite while at the same time rejecting the hell out of Ray, like Ray had made it all up in his head or something. Like, that's just silly, Ray. Or, Ray, you know perfectly well that I do not regard you in this manner. Something which would make Ray want to kick him in the head. Because he had not imagined some homoerotic shit just now. That was real. So, bring it on, Fraser, he thought, bring it on.
'Thank you kindly, Ray, but I think it might be time to commence our journey again,' Fraser said, which was ridiculous on so many levels. If you had just held your best friend's cock in your hand and that same friend had suggested the two of you have sex then 'thank you kindly' was not a response. And what was with the 'commence'? Nobody was going to commence anything any time soon. They would start, maybe, or begin, or set out, but they were definitely not going to commence. Still, Ray did not feel the urge to kick Fraser in the head and the tone was why. Ray knew Fraser had tried to sound neutral, but he had sounded sad.
'Here,' Fraser said as he thrust Ray's clothes at him. The gesture was uncharacteristically aggressive. Hurriedly, Fraser started dressing, while Ray just lay there, trying to process what had happened and what was happening. What he mostly noticed was the atmosphere, which was full of missed chances, awkwardness and bullshit. The majority of it was bullshit, though. Apparently now Fraser couldn't even look at him. Pawing at each other in the dark like they had been starving for it was fine, but after actually seeing Ray fully naked for the first time Fraser had immediately returned to his composed, regular self, as if Ray wasn't good enough for him. This was...bullshit as far as Ray was concerned.
Let's be honest about one thing; Fraser is extraordinarily handsome. Women could see that; clearly they could see that, since they were usually all over him within minutes of meeting him. Ray could see it too, which was not something, you know, checking out guys, that was not something that Ray did, as a rule. Fraser was just different; you'd have to be blind not to notice how handsome he was. So, Ray noticed. The first time was probably, tssk, probably; Ray knew exactly when he noticed. The first time was after the buddy breathing incident. And then he noticed it a bit more. And from then on Ray had just gone on recklessly with the noticing, as if that was an ok thing to do. As if finding your partner, the man you work with, attractive is normal. As if being turned on by a Mountie uniform is healthy. Fuck, he was so disturbed.
Fraser, however, clearly did not think that Ray was attractive. It was all fine in the dark, but now they could actually see each other Fraser couldn't even look at him. That was seriously screwed up, because Ray did not think he was that repulsive. Obviously not as perfect as Fraser, but still not so unattractive that it would be necessary to avoid looking at him for fear of falling ill, which Fraser was now doing.
As Fraser unzipped the sleeping bags Ray dressed quickly too, until they were both fully dressed. Ray looked at his hair in the small mirror and reached for his hair gel, which earned him a mocking snort from Fraser, so he decided against gel this morning. They did their usual song and dance leaving the tent, but this time Ray was intent on being nice and let Fraser exit first. Again this for some mysterious reason appeared to upset Fraser. Not that anyone would have noticed, except Ray, because Fraser's face hadn't moved a muscle. Fraser was just a little more brusque, not very Mountie-like, with disassembling the tent and strapping on his gear than he needed to be. Watching him Ray realised that it was up to him to broach the subject. In Fraser's hands the whole thing would disappear under layers of friendliness and stoicism.
'Now we just pretend it never happened?' Ray asked.
'As you wish,' Fraser replied, without deigning to glance at Ray. So, that was how it was going to be from now on. They were just going to ignore the attraction – which was definitely there and not something out of one of Ray's many, many fantasies about Fraser – and Fraser was never going to look at him again. Well, you know what though, thought Ray, he was not going to be the one to make that decision, and so he pushed.
'No Fraser, that was a question.'
'I see. Well, I can't deny that it might be the best solution,' Fraser said and for one frightening second he looked due south. And why that is frightening was beyond Ray, because south lies Chicago, which was toasty and dry. Well, drier than wherever the hell they were now, at least. Also south; criminals, mountains of criminals. Ray would take a mountain of criminals over a mountain of snow any day, because criminals are so much more fun. But who was he kidding? South meant a Fraser-less life too, so Ray was relieved when Fraser turned to the north instead. The sled dogs and Dief, who does not take kindly to being lumped with them as a common dog, seemed ready to go.
Fraser had assured Ray the previous evening that, after travelling for two weeks, they would reach Inuvik the next day and they would stock up on food. That was good, because Ray was so sick of pemmican. What was perhaps not so good was that they would then continue their journey on an ice breaker. Ray was afraid a boat wouldn't agree with him. The sled had been fine, because at least he was not the one standing all day and having to whisper Inuktitut to the mutts, but other than that the only means of transportation that had ever agreed with him was a car. Fraser had ruined damn near everything else for him. Boats reminded him of drowning, and the buddy breathing which was good, but still mostly drowning. Airplanes reminded him of being shoved out of one without a parachute. That was when Fraser had also forever tainted the word 'turtles' for him. The man was really hopeless.
Hopeless and hot and most definitely not his. However, they were continuing on their journey and Ray was determined to fix things between them, so all hope was not lost.
