6.07 – The return of the living AND dead flashback characters

Author's Note: Because Wickedgal08 let me borrow her OC, Carletta Stiles, from her story Circle of Trust, I have now the honor to use Carletta for this chapter. If you never read Wickedgal08's story, you should, it's hilarious and I'm sure you're gonna love it.

I know I said I was going to wait until I reached 50 reviews to post a new chapter, but since Wickedgal08 asked so nicely for an update, I'm gonna let her have it. I hope I did her character justice! And I hope she keeps the end of the bargain and update Circle of Trust soon.

I think this is one of the funniest chapters I wrote so far, but this is just my opinion, I'll let you guys be the judge of that. =]

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Oceanic Airlines offers to pay the family and friends of the people who unfortunately disappeared with Oceanic flight 816 for a group session with Carletta Stiles. Who apparently has experience in dealing with Lost's characters. She enters the room full of people who are sitting in a circle chattering. Carletta sits on an available plastic seat and clears her throat.

Carletta: Hello, everyone!

Everyone: Hello!

Carletta: I'm sorry to hear about your friends and family and the mysterious disappearance of flight 816.

Nobody answers her, she looks around uncomfortable and finds Sun's father smiling at her.

Carletta [still uncomfortable]: Hello, Mr. Paik.

Mr. Paik: Konnichiwa!

Carletta: That's hello in Japanese, not Korean.

Mr. Paik: Hai, nihongo hanasemasen!

He says, "yes, I can speak Japanese," in Japanese obviously.

Mrs. Paik: Dae-Ji Bul-Go-Gi. Dak Gal-Bi.

Carletta: Wait, what?!

Margo Shephard [to Carletta]: Aren't those Korean dishes?

Jin's Mother [angry at Mrs. Paik for some reason]: Soon-Doo-Boo Chi-Gae!

Mr. Kown [trying to calm down Jin's mother]: Yakissoba, okonomiyaki…

Jin's Mother [irritated]: Yamaha nikon hitachi. Seik karate, judo sumo samurai!

Mr. Paik [angry]: Subaru casio aiwa, yoko ono, nagasaki okinawa...

Mrs. Paik [cutting him mid sentence]: Harakiri tsunami kamikaze banzai!

Mr. Paik [shouting]: Toshiba Mitsubishi, sushi sashimi! *He gets up* Sayōnara.

Mr. Paik leaves, Mrs. Paik does too. After a long silence, Jin's parents leave as well.

Carletta: Well, that was an awkward start. I'll tell you what! Why don't we start our session introducing ourselves? Tell us who was your friend or family that was on the plane and what are your feelings regarding it? I'll go first, I'm Carletta, I didn't have a friend or family on the plane, I'm here to help you deal with your feelings.

Sabrina [getting up]: My name is Sabrina Rutherford, my son Boone was on the plane, and I feel awful because he had a beautiful career ahead of him. But now it's all gone because of that stupid little bitch!

Carletta: Are you talking about your step-daughter Shannon?

Sabrina: Yes, I am, it's her fault my son was in Australia. She's a sneak little gold digger.

Carmen Reyes: You talk like that about your own step-daughter?

Sabrina: Why wouldn't I? It's true!

Carletta: But it's also true that you stole the money she had a right to since she was your dead husband's daughter. So the question is, aren't you the gold digger who married that poor little girl's father for his money?

Sabrina [insulted]: No, her father and I decided that I should deal with the family finances in case he passed away.

Margo: But I don't think your husband wanted you to dump his daughter on the street without any money, with just the clothes on her back.

Sabrina: Why are you all against me?

Carletta: Because when I watched Shannon's centric episode, all I could think of was that she was Cinderella, you were the evil step-mother, and Boone was Drizella and Anastasia.

Liam Pace [laughing]: The bloke is two ugly sisters, that's funny!

Carletta: You think it's funny? You want to talk about sibling love, Liam?

Liam: What have I done?

Carletta: What have you done? Even though your baby brother wanted to quit the band, you didn't let him, because you wanted to be famous. For Charlie it was just about the music, but you got him involved on drugs. Then you sold his piano abandoned him to go live in Australia.

Liam: It's all daddy's fault. He didn't want us to be musicians.

Simon Pace [insulted]: I was great father I even taught Charlie to swim.

Carletta: Ok, moving on. *Points at Cassidy* Why don't you go next?

Cassidy [holding two year old Clementine]: My name is Cassidy Philips, the person on the plane was neither my family nor my friend. It was the son of a bitch that knocked me up, conned me, and walked away with all my money!

Anthony Cooper: Conned you? His name wouldn't be Sawyer by any chance, would it?

Cassidy: How do you know?

Anthony: Well the guy got his name from me. I slept with his mummy and stole his daddy's money. I'm the real Sawyer by the way. He wrote me a letter, the guy just went nuts after his father murdered his mother and then committed suicide.

Carletta: What are you doing here, Mr. Cooper?

Anthony: Well, my son was on the plane.

Carletta: Yeah, but you stole his kidney and throw him out of a window.

Anthony: Let's not get into a discussion about parenting style, ok? Some people think spanking your kids is constructive, some think it's child abuse. I, for one, think stealing one's child's kidney helps the child to grow and learn about the facts of life.

Carletta: Facts of life?

Anthony: Yeah, the fact that people can do horrible things, he should have learned that from a young age, but I really just needed a kidney when he was well over forty!

Carletta: What about throwing him out of a window?

Anthony: Birds throw their offspring out of the nest, don't they?

Helen Norwood: Ah, this is sick. You're a horrible human being!

Anthony [chuckling]: ME? I'm not the cold bitch who turned down John's marriage propose because he was helping out his father. Do you know how much money he spent on phone sex after you dumped him?

Emily Locke: Tony, honey, be nice, you don't want more people hating you.

Carletta: And who might you be?

Emily: Emily Locke, I gave birth to John when I was 15.

Carletta: Now, wait a minute, you're Emily Locke… Emily… are you also Ben's mother Emily?

Emily: Oops, no one was supposed to know. But hell, secret is out now. Yes, I faked my death and ran away from Roger.

Everyone [stunned]: Why?

Emily: Isn't it obvious? I hate baby boys, they pee on you face when you change their dippers.

Sarah [shocked]: So Ben and John are brothers?

Christian: Yes, just like you are Jacob's grandmother, Sarah. It's all a twisted family three!

Carletta [in shock as if she just saw a ghost]: Jesus, what the hell are you doing here?

Christian: My name is Christian Shephard, and my son Jack was on the plane.

Carletta: Yes, but you're dead!

Christian: And so are Wayne and Yemi, but they're also here.

Carletta looks around the room, Wayne is sitting on the right side of Diane, and Yemi is in the seat next to hers, smiling peacefully.

Carletta: What are all you dead people doing here?

Yemi: I'm here because my brother was on the plane, and he owns me a church, so I figured if I showed up Oceanic Airlines would build one for me.

Christian: And I'm here because I'm an important character. I met most of the castaways!

Sarah [to Christian]: Wait a minute. You said I'm Jacob's grandmother. That means I'm important too, doesn't it?

Christian: Yes, Sarah, you and I are very important, that's why I nicknamed Ana Lucia after you.

Sarah: God, I'm important and I never knew! Why else do you think I'm important, Chris?

Christian: Maybe because there are two Sarahs reading this fiction… I don't really know… I know why I'm important. Not only Jack was on the plane, but also my daughter Claire.

Lindsey Littleton [mad]: You're not her father!

Carole Littleton: To be honest, he really is Claire's father and I loved when we got together, he's a real sex god.

Lindsey: Look what you did to my sister, you drunk pervert. You just took advantage of my sister's naïveté and slept around with her, then walked out on her and Claire because you had a "real family." *Makes air quote*

Christian: Lindsey, can I stop you for a second? When people do this. *Makes air quote* I don't really know what that means.

Carletta [annoyed]: Oh, my Jacob! Those damn Friends references followed me here!

Margo [to Christian]: So this was the reason for all those trips to Australia, you told me they were business trip, you lousy bastard! And when you came home you were always drunk, criticizing our son! Look what you done to Jack, our son is fixated with fixing stuff because you told him he hadn't got what it took to fix things!

Diane Jansen: Well, I know something about drunk husbands.

Sam Austen [sitting on the left side of Diane]: Yeah, well that was your choice, but have you really needed to take Katie with you?

Carletta: So you must be Kate's mother then. *Diane nods* Well, at least now I know why that woman can never make up her mind about Sawyer or Jack. Apparently the apple doesn't fall too far from the three.

Wayne: She sure is hot just like her mother.

Carletta [disgusted]: But she's your daughter!

Wayne: I could use the same logic. *in mucked disgust* She murdered me, and she is my daughter!

Carletta: She did it because you abused her and her mother. Which leads me to another question why do you people all hate your children?

David Reyes: I don't hate my children!

Carletta: But you walked out on your wife and kids when Hugo was only 10 years old. Which lead him to an eating disorder because he could never fulfill the emptiness on his heart when you left him. And you only came back when you found out your son won the lottery! And you, Mrs. Reyes, you let him get back into your lives, you never even think about Hugo's feelings. Why?

Carmen [embarrassed]: I have needs!

Carletta: This is disgusting! You people should be ashamed of your selves for treating your children too poorly.

Charles Widmore: We don't do it on propose. We only want what's best for our children, and sometimes, they can't make the right decision so we have to make for them.

Penelope Widmore: You're lying! You hate me, you don't want me to be happy!

Carletta: Excuse me, but what are you Widmores doing here? I don't remember you having people on the plane.

Widmore: No, but I wanted to know about the people who did, so I can come up with an evil plan to take over the island.

Penny: And I have people on the island, my husband Desmond, plus they killed off my son after the reset, forgive me for needing therapy!

Carletta: What about you? *She asks the woman sitting beside Charles Widmore*

Eloise Hawkins: I'm just here to make sure that whatever has to happen, happens. Whatever it is that happened before the reset has to happen again. Because whatever happened, happened!

Carletta: At least now we know where Daniel got that crap from. Speaking of which, you're the worst parent of all the worst parents on Lost, aren't?

Eloise: I beg your pardon, dear?

Carletta: You know that you killed your son when he was time travelling. It was an accident, we get it. But you spent your whole adult life studying time travel. Only to make sure that your son indeed travelled through time so that you could kill him again. Now is it sick or is it just me?

Tereza Cortez: No it really is sick!

Carletta: Hi, Mrs. Cortez, thank you for agreeing with me. Why have you been so quiet?

Tereza: People hate my daughter, so I figured they wouldn't want to lose time reading my lines.

Carletta: Oh…

Tereza: And the author is crazy, she loves to connect characters with the same name. I would either be the Tereza who baby sat Boone and fell down the stairs, or I'd be Daniel's Tereza whose brain he cooked. I would probably end up being both!

Tom Brennan: Sorry for the delay! *He enters with his wife who is holding their two year old son in her arms.* We hit terrible traffic, I hope I didn't disturb the session. *They sit on Jin and Sun's parents' seats*

Carletta: No, not at all, why don't you introduce yourself?

Tom [getting up]: All right, I'm Tom Brennan, I'm Kate Austen's childhood friend.

Carletta: I thought you were dead?

Tom: Then how come Christian can stay?

Carletta: Never mind, go ahead.

Tom: This is my wife Rachel, and this is our son Julian Connor.

Tereza [to Carletta]: You see what I meant about character's name?

Carletta [mouth agape]: So you are married to Juliet's sister?!

Rachel: You know my sister?

Carletta: Yes, I guess you can say that. Wow, so many revelations today, Ben and John are brothers, Christian is a sex god, Juliet's sister is married to Kate's high school sweetheart.

Christian: I'm telling you, we're all related somehow!

Carletta: Yes, well, we are getting to the end of this session. Why don't we give it sometime to the people who haven't spoken yet?

Nadia: I don't really want to talk. Sayid dumped me for a blonde bimbo, I'm mad at him.

Carletta: Ok, what about you, sir? *She points at a guy sitting next to Sarah* You want to introduce yourself?

Marc: Hi, my name is Marc Silverman, I was one of Jack's best friend.

Carletta: And how are you feeling now that Jack is missing?

Marc [crying]: I'm feeling terrible. Back at college Jack and I had a gay one night stand, and I've loved him ever since! *Silence falls*

Carletta [stunned]: That's one revelation I could do without!

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Ilana, Bram and Caesar are sitting on a bar, drinking and talking.

Ilana: Are we ever going to appear on this fiction?

Bram: Ilana, nobody knows who we are, how do you expect them to write about us?

Ilana: I have a feeling people are too tired to pay attention to new characters. When Jacob visited me I looked like a mummy and nobody cared.

Caesar: Just be glad the author gave you these tow lines, my friend!


Next week on After the Boom: 6.08 – The Autoinfanticide Paradox

Rajesh: You people got sucked into this loop when your friend Desmond failed to push the button and now you are trapped here forever.

Jack: What are you talking about?

Rajesh: I'm saying that John is right, you're not supposed to leave the island. There's no way out. If you try to fix things, it would only cause another reset.

Sawyer: So, we're stuck here?

Rajesh: Pretty much!