"How do you feel?" I ask as I lean against the door frame to the bathroom, my hands shoved in my pockets. After Carlos and Logan left, I kinda just...stood there in the living room, not really sure what to do. I mean, what am I SUPPOSED to do? Run after them and explain to them that I'm confused, and why I'm doing what I'm doing?

No, I can't, and won't do it. If they were real friends...I wouldn't have to chase them down. I wouldn't have to explain ANYTHING! They would know me well enough to look past their own blinding rage to see why I'm doing what I'm doing and it's only for the best of the group. But, they don't see it like that.

When do they ever?

James' left hand clenches the now pink towel that's lying on the counter, as he pokes tentatively at his nose. He winces, but I'm sure it's not from the pain lacing up his nose. I'm sure it's a mix of things, but I know what most of them probably start with.

Me.

"So, how DO you feel?" I ask again as I study him. He shifts hesitantly on his feet, like he doesn't know how to respond. I cock my head back. Since when is he weak and nervous? Always jumpy? If I remember correctly, that's me.

"I've felt better," he says slowly, like it's not the right thing to say. "But hey...Carlos can pack one hell of a punch," James adds as blood begins to trickle down his nose. I notice it, and step forward, turning him towards me. He clenches the towel tighter in his hands. "Kendall..." James begins, but I ignore him. I slowly take the towel out of his hand, and wipe his nose with it. I don't know why I'm doing it, it feels like I have an obligation to do it.

Even though he wasn't the one who got raped by their best friend, I was.

James grabs my wrists, and whispers, "Please leave. I don't need you babying me, especially after all that I've done to you. I don't deserve it." He let's my wrists go, but looks me in the eyes and says firmly, "I can take care of myself. YOU should be the one being taken care of. I know," he begins, "You got your stitches out, but you are still...fragile. I'm not. Please...just...leave," James says. I blink at him, and slowly nod.

"Alright...but you'll know where to find me..." I say, before heading out the bathroom and heading downstairs, sliding the door shut with a soft click as I go.

~*(BTR)*~

I hear Kendall close the door with a soft click. I turn back to the sink and grip the edge of the counter, staring down at the sink. I stare down at the marble, and take a few deep breaths, body trembling. Why did he do that? Why did he forgive me? Why did he wipe the blood off of my face? He shouldn't be forgiving me! What the hell is wrong with him?

What the hell is wrong with ME?

I lift my gaze towards the mirror, and tremble as I see my reflection. It's not me. It's not the person I wanted to be. I never wanted to do this. I never wanted any of this to happen. But one foolish mistake has ruined everything. Literally, everything. I've lost everyone I have ever held dear to me, and am afraid of making the same mistake again. Kendall's forgiving me, and I should not have been forgiven. He should have been screaming about me that I'd never be forgiven, that I'll always be the one who hurt him the most. But he has forgiven me. And it pisses me off because of how stupid he is! No one would EVER forgive their rapist if this were them!

I raise my fist, glaring at the mirror, and letting out a scream of anger before smashing my fist into the mirror. The glass shatters and falls onto the counter. Obviously, what I just did, did not alarm Kendall. Or, he just didn't hear it. I'm hoping it's the latter. My body continues to tremble, as I look down at my hand.

Blood pours over my knuckles and skin, before dripping into the drain. I don't feel any pain. I don't. It feels...like a release. I wonder... I scour around in the drawers, trying to find a razor blade, or SOMETHING. But I come across only gauze, and some peroxide. Hm...

I sigh, and grab the gauze and peroxide, then dress the wound on my hand. Even though I know I should just wash it off, and leave it undressed, since I don't believe I should be allowed to have luxuries like this, after all that I've done. I deserve a lot worse. A whole lot worse.

I just got to find the right person to give me the punishment I rightfully deserve for what I did to Kendall.