Authors notes: So this is another longer chapter, but again, I didn't want to take anything out or cut it in two...hopefully you will think it's worth it.
As always, all comments/feedback welcome.
Chapter 7 - Kate and Dutchy
Kate made a brief detour home to get changed and try and compose herself before heading to the pub. When she arrived she found the rest of the crew and some of Jim's SAS troop had overtaken the bar. Not sure if she was ready to face everyone, she headed to the bar to order a drink and give herself some more time. As she waited to be served, Dutchy appeared next to her, "You ok X?" He asked earning a quizzical look from Kate, "I saw you at Navcom, you looked upset." He explained as they ordered their drinks.
Kate was still a little unsettled and took a few moments to process the question, and Dutchy knew straight away that something was wrong, but before he could probe any further Kate turned to him, "Wait, what were you doing at Navcom?" she asked confused.
Dutchy took a deep breath before answering, contemplating whether this was the right time to tell her. Deciding that she deserved an honest answer, "I've been offered an opportunity, combined forces in Afghanistan." He paused before continuing, turning to face Kate, "Time I faced up to some demons."
Kate took a moment and remembered what Dutchy had been like when he first joined Hammersley. She knew, better than most, that his time in the Gulf had affected him badly, she just hadn't realised that it still bothered him. Then she realized what going to Afghanistan meant "Wait, your leaving Hammersley?" She asked slightly shocked, watching his reaction intently. They may have had a bad start when he first came on board, but they had developed a strong friendship. He was the only one who knew about her and Mike, and the only one she felt she could trust enough to talk to about it. And now he was leaving.
This was the one conversation Dutchy didn't want to have. He could have handled telling anyone else, but telling Kate now, he just felt like he was abandoning her at the worst possible time. He knew this was going to be a tough and difficult conversation so motioned for them to head to the deck outside, away from the rest of the crew. Once outside, he took a mouthful of drink before explaining. "Yeah, looks like it. I have a couple of weeks for the arm to heal, but they want to send me over there as soon as I'm fully fit." Dutchy replied with a hint of sadness in his voice while Kate started shaking her head in disbelief.
Kate stood in stunned silence, the colour beginning to drain from her face again. With everything else that had happened, now she was losing Dutchy too? Dutchy knew she might not take the news all that well, but wasn't expecting her to be speechless. It suddenly dawned on him that Kate had arrived alone, without Mike, and he was not there yet, leading him to think that her state had more to do with something to do with Mike than him. Breaking the silence, but not wanting to ask her outright, he approached his question from a different angle, "Well, now we both know why I was at Navcom, but why were you there?" He knew they had an intensive debrief when they got back, and didn't know why they would be requested back so soon.
Kate paused before answering. She thought about how much she should really be telling Dutchy, but then realised he already knew everything else, he might as well know the truth. "They have offered Mike...well actually they have offered him Command of Navcom, and me a promotion and command of Hammersley." Kate replied, her voice fading as she looked away and felt the tears returning to the ducts, ready to fall again.
All that registered with Dutchy were the words promotion and Command of Hammersley. He was so excited for her that he missed the flat tone and reddening eyes. "That's great! They finally saw sense and promoted you!" As he was speaking he realised that Kate wasn't excited at all and he realized that this was the reason he saw her in such a state at Navcom, "Isn't it?" He asked confused and concerned.
"A few months ago, maybe, but now I'm not so sure." Kate admitted. A few months ago it was all she wanted, she had been dreaming of her first command for years. But now the thought terrified her. Adding to her confusion was the nagging feeling that she had spent her whole life working towards the wrong goal. It wasn't a career she wanted anymore, it was a family.
"What is it that you're not sure about?" Dutchy asked, completely confused. He had barely seen her since the explosion, in fact he had barely spoken to her since their chat a few days earlier and he had no idea how she had been coping.
"Everything." Kate admitted looking to Dutchy. "I mean, after what's happened I'm not sure if I can send my crew into dangerous situations and sit back on the bridge and watch. At least when you are part of the boarding party you are there, with them, but I don't think I could handle watching a scene like that ever again. And it would mean that Hammersley would have a new CO with confidence issues, a new XO, apparently a new Boson...and a new Swain." Kate said with the emotion catching in her throat, "I just don't know. It's too much."
Dutchy knew straight away what Kate was feeling. It was the same type of insecurities that he had when he came on board, but he didn't have the added issue of being a CO with a new team as well. "I guess I can understand that, and I don't want to pressure you, but you are the kind of person we need as a CO." Dutchy said trying to encourage Kate.
"What, inexperienced and scared?" Kate said almost challenging Dutchy to justify his statement.
Rather than answering her question straight out, Dutchy explained why he thought she would be a good CO, "You care about your crew, and you want the best for them. Plus, you are passionate about the job at hand. You're not the sort of person to send your crew into a dangerous situation unless it's necessary, and even then it will be with as many safety precautions as possible. You'll never order anyone into a situation you wouldn't be prepared to face yourself. You just need to trust yourself, the crew will follow you." Dutchy was serious and Kate knew he meant every word.
As she thought about Dutchy's words she saw Mike walking into the bar and pausing as he saw her and Dutchy talking. "There might be a reason for me to take a shore posting anyway." Kate said changing tact.
"A shore posting?" Dutchy had no idea what that meant until he turned around and saw Mike watching Kate. He couldn't help but think that Mike looked different to normal, but couldn't figure out what it was. Was it happy?
With everything that had happened, Kate had forgotten that Dutchy had spoken to Mike. "Apparently you and Mike had a little chat." Kate stated quite simply. She wasn't exactly angry, how could she be, Dutchy was probably the reason that her and Mike still had a chance, but she was going to make him sweat it out a little first.
Dutchy was mentally getting all of his excuses ready, until he realised that the only way she would have known about that was if Mike told her. "Apparently so have you and him." He said with a wry smile.
Kate knew there was no point trying to deny it. She turned her head to catch another glance of Mike and she knew Dutchy didn't miss her slight smile when she saw him sitting down at the bar, waiting for her. "Yeah, we started to sort a few things out." Kate admitted looking up to Dutchy, "There are still a few issues we need to deal with, but I think we are going to do it together this time."
"Well that's what I call progress." Dutchy announced quite proud of himself for the role that he had played in helping them sort their issues out.
"You don't think it's too soon? It feels a bit wrong." Kate admitted. The last thing she wanted to do was to show any disrespect for Jim. But the reality was she had made the decision to leave Jim, she just hadn't had a chance to tell him. She couldn't grieve for him as a girlfriend or fiancé, because that's not how she felt. She was grieving for him as a friend; a friend who wanted to think of him in 10 years time as being married with kids and a family of his own. The life he deserved that she couldn't give him.
"That's because you are using your head to think about it," Dutchy said as Kate looked at him waiting for a further explanation, "There are some decisions you need to make with your heart, not your head. Just because you are with someone else, doesn't mean you can't grieve for lives lost." Dutchy explained before getting back to the original issue, "But for my two cents, I hope you do take the promotion. The Navy needs CO's like you."
"I don't think I can. I..." Kate whispered looking away again. The truth was that Kate couldn't remember a time when she had been this scared about her job, and she didn't want to let down the people that had shown faith in her, including Mike, Dutchy and the crew.
Dutchy took a while to think about what she said. He still believed that she would be a great CO, but he knew that pushing someone into a position they didn't feel ready for, particularly a position of command was a bad idea. He also knew that running away wasn't the answer either, so he came up with another option, "Ok, so stay on as XO?"
Kate couldn't help but let out a bit of a laugh. "Have you got something against me taking a shore posting?" She asked looking back to Dutchy wondering why he was pushing the issue.
"No, not at all," Dutchy laughed in response, "It's just that I can tell you from experience that if you make a decision such as this now, confused, and full of guilt, you will always wonder 'what if'. Don't get me wrong because I don't regret joining Hammersley at all, but that's part of my reason for accepting the opportunity to go back to Afghanistan. I know the timing's not great for me to leave, but I need to prove to myself that I can go back there and do the job. You could take the shore posting and be perfectly happy, but one day, some part of you will wonder if you could have gone back to sea."
"Face my fears head on." Kate acknowledged. She was beginning to wonder just when Dutchy became her advisor for both her career and her love life, but the reality was there was some sense to what he was saying.
"Something like that. Once you've proved to yourself that you can still do the job, then you can make the decision about the shore posting with a clear head and not have any regrets." Dutchy added. He didn't want Kate to give up the idea of a shore posting, he just knew from experience that she would eventually regret making a decision if she allowed her own fear and guilt to cloud her judgement.
Kate smiled at Dutchy, "Staying on as XO...you're probably right. I'll think about it." His idea had a lot of merit and she warmed to the idea of staying XO.
"I know I'm right." Dutchy replied, quite proud of himself again. "Plus, the team is going to need you." Kate looked at Dutchy a little confused, so he continued, "Well, with me leaving 2Dads needs someone who will keep him in line, and he listens to you. You and I know Bird might not look like much, but she's made of the right stuff and she'll need someone to encourage her, push her in the right directions. Plus you're one of the few people that RO actually responds to. If your struggling, and I don't think you will, but you'll have Charge with you, at least for a little while any way."
"Why, where is Charge going?" Kate asked astonished. She had thought the only person more committed to Hammersley than Mike was Charge, and the idea of him leaving shocked her.
Dutchy realised that Kate hadn't been out with the crew much in the last couple of weeks and as such she had missed the new direction Charge wanted to take his life in. "He was talking about it before everything happened. His son has a posting over in WA. He and Lani had their marriage annulled, but are together and are looking into what it would take to get some engineering work in the mines over there. If Sally moves back there to be with her family that might just seal the deal for him."
Kate shook her head in disbelief and the number of changes happening. She had been so pre-occupied with Jim and Mike that she had not realised that Lani was still in Charge's life and that he was contemplating leaving the Navy. "Well I guess there are no other options then, I need to say on." If Charge and her did leave now it would be a complete set of new Senior Sailors with a crew of Juniors that were probably still going to be in shock, and definitely still grieving.
"I'm glad you agree." Dutchy said confidently, glad that he had been able to talk her down from the panicked episode she had been having earlier. Dutchy then looked inside the bar to the rest of the crew and realised they should go inside. "What do you think, ready to join them?" He asked with a re-assuring smile.
Kate wasn't sure if she would have another chance to talk like this with Dutchy, at least not soon anyway, and there was one last thing that needed to be said. "Dutchy, thank you, for everything. I'm not sure what I would have done..."
"Kate, I'll still have e-mail when I'm away." Dutchy said trying to re-assure her. He also knew that he might need some help from her if the flashbacks started again when he was back in Afghanistan. With a wry smile he added, "Plus, I think you're forgetting, watching my XO's back is a big part of my job."
Kate laughed at his attempt to put all of this down to his job, "Well, I think you went above and beyond the call of duty, not sure how I'd formulate it into a commendation for you though."
"Yeah, I think the fewer people that know about all this the better." Dutchy laughed, wondering how people would react if they found out he had been giving advice to the X about her love life and career.
"Agreed." Kate said with a serious tone, but a hint of a smile. "Good luck Dutchy." She added with some sadness to her voice. When she came to the wake she had not expected to be saying another goodbye, but at least this time it was for a good cause.
"You too Ma'am." Dutchy said trying to put some formality back into the conversation, as they stood up he realised that words alone were not enough, using his free arm he pulled her in for a hug, "You'll be right X." He said before pulling back, "And who knows, next time I see you I might be able to tell your kids how Uncle Dutchy helped to get their parent's together." He added with a grin, wanting to lighten the mood and just hoping Kate wouldn't hit him.
"Uncle Dutchy?" Kate enquired before thinking about it, "I guess you've earned it." She acknowledged, instantly liking the idea that Dutchy would always be there for her children if things were to work out for her. "Now let's get inside," Kate offered as they started to walk inside, pausing for a moment when she reached the door, "Dutchy, stay safe." She added seriously as Dutchy nodded.
Mike had been waiting for Kate to finish talking to Dutchy. Once upon a time he might have been jealous of his bosun, but now he was just glad that Kate had a friend she could talk to that they both trusted. He watched as they started moving inside and he walked over to meet them. Nodding to Dutchy as he continued inside, he turned his attention to Kate, "You ok?" Mike asked concerned when he reached her.
"Yes and no," Kate replied with a half smile. "I know we need to talk, but we need to do this first," Kate said, motioning to where the rest of the crew were. "Are you able to...I mean after this...tonight..." Kate stuttered, not sure how to ask her question.
Mike knew exactly what Kate was trying to ask, it was exactly what he was hoping she would ask, "I went home and packed a bag, I'll come over and I can stay." Mike said, a smile forming as he watched Kate become slightly embarrassed at how transparent she must have been, "It's like I said this morning, I just want to be around you, be with you."
"We'd better join the others," Kate said with a slight smile as they made a move to head inside.
As the evening wore on the crew continued to reminisce and tell stories, while Kate had time to think. The more she thought about it, the more Dutchy had been right about everything. If she left for a shore posting now she would probably regret it one day, but she still wasn't sure about taking on the CO's position. She knew the time for a shore posting would come, but for now this was something she had to do. He had also been right about her and Mike. Mike wasn't going to pressure her and was going to give her as much time as she wanted to grieve, but the decision to be with him was one that she should be making with her heart, not her head.
Kate's train of thought was interrupted when Mike leaned over to her, "You right to go?"
To Be Continued
