Author: Raven Shadowrose
Title: To Catch a Falling Star
Rating: M
Pairing: Dixie/Hannah, Jeff/Emilie, ?/?
Summary: A sequel to The Ties That Bind. What will happen to the Holby paramedics and their partners when a traumatic event tests the bonds of their relationships and friendships?
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters from Casualty, any dialogue from the show belongs to the writers and I claim no ownership. All original characters and the story are my property and I do not give permission for them to be used.
A/N: There will be some chapters in this story that may upset some people, a warning will be placed at the start of each chapter that contains sensitive/upsetting material. Reviews are welcome :)
Thank you to BeethovenRIP, DixieandJeff forever, cenalover and olivia. c. king1 for your reviews and support that you have given to me. I know that this is a very hard story to read, I appreciate it that you have stuck with me for so long.
A/N2: The words in italics are in Jeff's point of view.
Chapter Seven.
A week had passed since Polly had been injured at the college and ended up in hospital, she had shown no sign of waking up from her coma as of yet. Cyd, Dixie and Hannah, Emilie, and Lawrence had all been frequent visitors to Polly's bedside. They had brought her some of her favourite items from her room, they played her favourite songs to her in the hope that she would hear them. They all kept Polly up to date with everything that was happening at work and at home, they passed on the messages from members of the ED. Hannah read to Polly and she sang to her, she told her all about how the twins were doing too. Dixie had brought a picture of the twins in and put it by Polly's bed for her. She made sure to let Polly know that the twins loved her and that they missed their auntie. Jeff had yet to visit Polly, every time it was suggested to him he refused to even think about the idea. His behaviour had changed a lot in the past few days, he had begun to lose his temper with the people around him, it only took the smallest thing to set him off. A lot of the crew had started to stay out of his way, mainly out of fear that they would get their head bitten off if they said the wrong thing to him. Whenever Jeff was asked if he was all right, he would snap at whoever it was that had asked him. Dixie and Hannah wondered if they could help Jeff, whenever they tried to help him he would push them away. It was the same with anyone that tried to help him, he kept them all as far away from him as he possibly could. Dixie knew that it was having a bad effect on Jeff's relationship with Emilie, the poor woman looked upset nearly all of the time. It was obvious that Emilie was only just about keeping it together, Hannah wondered how long Emilie could possibly keep going with Jeff as he was.
Emilie sat in the lounge with Little Abs and the twins, she had just walked Little Abs and she had a few hours to herself before Jeff came home from work. She went over the argument that she'd had with Jeff before he'd left for work that morning. It was obvious to anyone that was looking that Jeff was struggling to cope with his feelings over what had happened to Polly. Emilie knew that Jeff struggled to get to sleep and that he often woke up during the night, she wondered if he was having nightmares about what had happened in the college. The stress of dealing with what had happened to Polly was beginning to take its toll on Jeff, Emilie saw it every day. She had tried talking to Jeff to convince him to see a counsellor, but he had just gone quiet and refused to say anything about it. Lawrence had tried to talk to Jeff too, he had got the same refusal to talk about seeing someone. Emilie sighed to herself, Jeff was getting worse, he was jumpy and irritable nearly all of the time. There were times when he would stare into space or just stop answering her in the middle of a conversation. It had been noticed that Jeff avoided anything to do with the college, he'd refused flat out to go to the memorial that had been scheduled in the coming week. Refusing to see Polly was another sign that Jeff wasn't coping, he wouldn't visit her no matter how many times he was asked if he wanted to see her. Emilie was very worried about Jeff, she was afraid that if he didn't deal with his feelings then they might just get the better of him. She had tried getting through to him and right now she was beginning to run out of ideas to help him. Dixie had mentioned the possibility that Jeff was suffering with post traumatic stress disorder. She had talked to the hospital counsellor about seeing Jeff, he'd said that he couldn't do anything unless Jeff agreed to see him. Emilie hoped that Jeff would agree to talk to someone soon, she couldn't force him, but he needed help. Jeff needed someone to talk over what he'd been through with. Emilie knew that some of the crew had gone for counselling, she wished that Jeff would do the same.
Jeff removed his uniform after the shift had ended, he put it in his bag and then closed his locker. It had been a long day, everything had felt a lot harder as he had struggled to get to sleep last night. The argument with Emilie this morning hadn't helped his mood, he didn't want to argue with her, it made him sad. Jeff was worried that if they kept arguing then their relationship might end, he didn't want to lose Emilie, he loved her. He briefly glanced at Polly's locker, Dixie had the key to it and she hadn't removed any of Polly's things from it. A quick look at his watch told Jeff that Dixie and Hannah would be sat with Polly as visiting hours had started ten minutes ago. They always invited him, he couldn't bring himself to go and see her, it would just remind him of how he had let her down. Jeff sighed, he had let a lot of people down lately. He remembered again how he had shouted at Emilie this morning when she had tried to convince him to go to the memorial at the college. It was a place that was full of bad memories, he didn't want to go to the place that Polly had been shot in, the place where he had failed her. There were times when small flashes of memory would creep into Jeff's mind; the sound of the fire alarm and screaming, random gunshots that came from nowhere. It frustrated him, he was still unable to recall the memory of what had happened to Polly. He wasn't sure if he wanted to remember, if he remembered what happened would it be worse than not knowing?
When Hannah and Dixie got to Polly's bedside, they found a doctor making notes on the clipboard that was attached to her bed. 'How is she?' Dixie asked.
'Polly is making progress, today she started responding to painful stimuli by moving her hand and making quiet noises, her GCS has gone up from three to five. The fact that Polly is able to breathe on her own with limited help is also a good sign. We are still monitoring her blood pressure and other vital signs for her, but I am hopeful that we will see her fully awake in the coming weeks.'
'Thank you for letting us know. Do you know when she will be fully awake?'
'Recovering from a coma is a long process, it may be next week or next month that Polly comes around fully. The development that Polly has shown is good, we cannot rush these things. I know that you're worried about Polly, I would like to reassure you that she is in good hands.'
'Okay, thank you,' Hannah said. The doctor replaced the clipboard and he left Hannah and Dixie alone with Polly. They sat down next to her bed and Dixie took hold of Polly's hand. 'Hey Pol, the doctor tells us that you're doing really well. I am proud of you sweetheart. Everyone sends their love to you. The twins are still missing their auntie, I know that they will be proud of you when they find out how well you're doing,' Dixie said with a smile.
'I am so proud of you Polly, it looks like we're going to have you back on the crew before we know it. The team can't wait to have you back, they all say how much they miss you. I can't wait to have you back as my partner and for us to begin our guitar sessions again.' Hannah listened to Dixie filling Polly in on things that were happening at work. They had agreed that they wouldn't mention anything to Polly about Jeff and what he was going through. If Polly could hear them then they didn't want her to worry, she needed to focus on getting better. They were trying their best to be upbeat and positive, they would do anything that it took to help Polly get better.
Jeff was fighting with himself, he wanted to go and see Polly, he was afraid though, he didn't want to see her in such a vulnerable state. There was another part of him that wanted to see her, he had promised to be there for her, he should be there with her and holding her hand. Jeff sighed to himself as he looked in the mirror, he looked like a man that hadn't had enough sleep. The night was the hardest, he found it hard to get to sleep, and when he did sleep he was plagued by dreams of being back in the college. He still couldn't remember what had happened, his dreams always ended before he could see it, with a gunshot and a scream. He always woke up covered in sweat with tears rolling down his face. Jeff splashed his face with water, he hoped that it would help him feel more alert. What he really needed was rest, his body had started to ache as he wasn't sleeping properly. The quiet of the ambulance station was shattered by the fire alarm being tested, it made Jeff jump, his whole body started to shake, it was as if he was back in the college again. Images of the events from the day of the shootings started to flash before his eyes.
The fire alarms sounded frequently as more people were brought out of the college in various stages of injury and distress. I look over my shoulder to see Polly working on someone, they are very badly injured, my patient has two bullet holes in his chest. I do not know how many of these kids will survive the day. They're just children, my thoughts turn to Sophia and John, how would I cope if it was them that was here or in Holby being treated for gunshot wounds. How would I cope if I got a call telling me that my children had been shot by someone? I shudder, there are so many parents out there that must be going through so much suffering right now. I am going to call Sophia and John when I get out of here, I want to speak to them so that I know that they're all right.
I've lost count of how many people I've treated, the steady stream of patients has started to come to an end. Every so often the police bring out someone else, they're mostly walking wounded or ones that have hidden from the boy with the gun. I don't blame them, I probably would have done the same if I was in their position. The police still haven't found him, I think he might be a student at the college as he seems to know how to avoid them. What has he achieved by hurting so many people? Was it his intention to become a murderer? Why has he chosen this as his only option? There are just too many questions to this whole situation. He will probably spend the rest of his life in prison, unless the police kill him first. I've heard them talking, I know that they have permission to shoot to kill if they have to.
The police have told us that the last of the students and staff have been cleared from the building, they are mostly walking wounded and will be treated outside of the building. Polly is packing up the equipment, I start zipping the medical bags up and putting them to one side for when we are ready to leave.
Jeff jumped back into reality when the same gunshot and a scream from his dreams pulled him out the flashback that he had been having. He quickly made his way into the toilet as the urge to be sick overcame him, his whole body shook and it took all of his effort to hold himself up as he was sick. The flashback was just like the nightmare, it had ended just in the same place and Jeff still didn't have any answers as to what had happened to Polly. His heart was pounding, he was breathing quickly and the sweat was dripping off his head. The flashback had unsettled him and Jeff picked up his coat, he had to get away from the station, he had to get away from the memories that were plaguing him. He wasn't ready to go home just yet, he wanted to forget about everything that had gone on, he wanted to drown it all out and get rid of it from his head.
Emilie was sat at home, Dixie and Hannah had picked up the twins some time ago, Jeff hadn't come home, she was worried about him. He wasn't his usual self, he had retreated into himself and it worried Emilie. She was worried that he might do something to himself if given the chance. Emilie had asked Dixie if Jeff had been at the hospital when she had left or if he had turned up at her house, Dixie had answered no to both of those questions. She paced the room and looked out of the curtains, the car was nowhere to be seen. Emilie wondered if she should phone the police, she knew that they wouldn't be able to do anything though. She'd called Jeff's phone and it had gone straight to voice mail. Emilie called his number again and she got the same answer. She was really beginning to worry about Jeff, what if he was hurt somewhere? She had almost made the decision to call the hospital and see if Jeff had been admitted when the door opened.
Jeff appeared in the doorway and Emilie knew that he had been drinking, she could see it in the way that he stumbled into the lounge. 'Where have you been?'
'To the pub.'
'I see. Did it ever occur to you that I might have been worried about you? Did it ever occur to you that I might have needed to know where you were?'
'I am an adult, the last time that I checked I didn't need your permission to go out.'
'Excuse me.'
'You heard me.'
'I can't believe how selfish you're being. There are people out there that want to help you, people that care for you. You're pushing them away and what for?'
'You don't understand.'
'Because you won't let me in, you won't let me see is happening to you.'
'I don't need your help. I don't need anyone.'
'Dixie and Hannah are helping each other, Cyd is talking to the counsellor, what makes you so special? Why are you so different?'
'They are women, it is okay for them to talk about their feelings.'
'Right, I see.' Emilie took a deep breath, she didn't know how to get through to Jeff that he needed help, that he needed to talk to someone.
Silence fell over the room that Emilie and Jeff were in, it quickly became oppressive, they didn't know what to say to each other. 'Emilie, I'm going to bed.'
'Fine.' Jeff left the room and Emilie let the tears that she had been holding in fall down her face. 'My knight in a shining ambulance, what has happened to you?' Emilie was barely aware of the words that had left her lips. She was so afraid of losing Jeff, whatever had happened in the college was eating him up. He needed to talk to someone, he was too stubborn to listen to anyone. What was she going to do with him? Emilie picked up her phone and she sent Dixie a quick message to let her know that Jeff had returned home. She was surprised when Dixie phoned her back right away. 'Emilie, are you all right?'
'I don't know, Jeff has been drinking, probably to mask the pain of what happened in the college.'
'I think you're right. I know that we're not in work tomorrow, but I do think that we have reason to worry about him. I've tried to get him to talk to the counsellor, he just refuses.'
'I've tried too.'
'Don't worry Emilie, we won't let him go without a fight, we will get him to come back to us.'
'I hope you're right.'
'Everything will be all right, I promise.'
'Thanks Dixie.'
'You're welcome sweetheart.' Emilie put her phone down on the table, she really hoped that Dixie was right and that they would be able to save Jeff from himself.
Cyd was sat up against the pillows on her bed, she had just finished with writing in her diary about the feelings that she had experienced during the day. There were times when she wondered if she had done enough to help Polly when she was on the way to the hospital. Could she have done something to prevent Polly ending up in a coma. Cyd had talked to Hannah, she had experienced the same feelings about their treatment. They had done everything that they could for her, it felt as if they should have tried something else. If they had got her in that little bit faster then all of this might have been prevented. Cyd knew that those feelings would only lead her to thinking about things all of the time. It was why she had asked to have some counselling sessions, she needed to talk to someone. She needed to go over everything with someone that would listen to her. Having the counselling was really helping her to deal with her feelings.
Lawrence had visited Polly and he had been pleased to learn that she had made some progress in her recovery. He knew that it would be a slow process, it wouldn't just be that Polly suddenly opened her eyes and everything would be all right again. Lawrence couldn't help but hope that Polly would recover sooner rather than later, his medical training told him that she would wake up when she was ready to. He wanted to know that she was all right, that she wouldn't be paralysed when she woke up. The only way to tell if she was or not would be to run tests when Polly was fully conscious. Lawrence prayed that Polly would be spared the agony of having to find out that she wouldn't walk again. She was too young for that, it would be too cruel if that happened. He had talked to Dixie and Hannah several times, they were keeping him updated on Polly's progress. Dixie had felt very guilty about snapping at Hannah, he'd reassured her that sometimes people say things that they don't mean. Dixie had been worried that Hannah would leave her, the poor woman had cried down the phone for some time. He'd also reassured her that Hannah loved her and she wouldn't leave her just because they'd had a cross word. Lawrence had heard Dixie's pain in her voice, he felt for her, she was going through a lot at the moment.
Dixie and Hannah sat with the twins in their arms, they knew that something was happening as they kept asking for Polly. They were too young to understand what was happening so they had told them that Polly wasn't very well and she would be back when she was well again. Hannah and Dixie had decided that it was best if the twins were kept away from Polly's bedside, she wouldn't want them to see her in such a vulnerable state. 'Teddy,' Elizabeth said. 'Pol.' She pushed the teddy into Dixie's hands.
'Auntie Polly isn't here sweetheart.'
'Dixie,' Hannah said. 'I think she wants us to give the teddy to Polly.'
'Is that what you want, do you want me to give the teddy to Polly?' Elizabeth nodded and Dixie's eyes filled with tears at the gesture that her daughter was making to her auntie Polly. 'Thank you sweetheart, I am sure that teddy will make Polly feel better.'
'No cry mama.' Elizabeth put her arms around Dixie and hugged her. Dixie held her daughter close, she had been extremely moved by what her daughter had just done. She looked over at Hannah and saw that she had tears in her eyes too, she just hugged Thomas close to her and kissed his head.
Jeff woke from a nightmare to find that he was alone in bed, his head was pounding, he was sure that it was a combination of the alcohol that he had drunk earlier and the nightmare. He'd left the car at the hospital and got a taxi home, he wasn't that stupid, he'd pick the car up in the morning. Jeff wondered why he was alone in bed, where was Emilie? He slowly got up to avoid making his headache worse, he looked in Emilie's side of the wardrobe, and breathed a sigh of relief when he saw her clothes were still there. Jeff went downstairs and he found Emilie lying on the sofa, she was in her pyjamas and had her head on a cushion, she was fast asleep. A few moments passed and Jeff went over to Emilie, the same look of worry was on her face, it hadn't left at all in the past week. He put his hand on her arm, she was cold, the heating wasn't on in the lounge at night as nobody was down there. Jeff carefully picked Emilie up in his arms, she couldn't sleep downstairs as she would freeze and end up with a very sore neck. He took her upstairs and gently put her down in the bed, he wrapped her up in the quilt and kissed her on the head. Jeff had a feeling that he had let Emilie down very badly, he wished he could be the man that she deserved. He kissed her on the head again, he didn't want to lose her. 'Sorry princess, I know I frightened you, I wish that I could take it back. I love you, I just hope that it is enough.' Emilie hadn't woken in all of the time that Jeff had carried her upstairs, she was exhausted from the fear of not knowing where Jeff was. Jeff just watched Emilie sleep, he wished that he could be brave enough to get the help that he knew he needed.
