Disclaimer: I own everything that doesn't already belong to somebody else.
Warning: Character Death, Language, Violence, Kissing
Chi Chikai
Etched in the Heart
Renji sat with his knees pulled up, his arms crossed on them, half-hiding his face. Ichigo sat right next to him, his knees pulled up halfway and his hands on the ground behind him. Kira stood near them. The three pairs of eyes were fixed on a gravestone etched with a single name…
Rukia.
Her death had come with two others. Even after the field training incident three years prior, they hadn't cut back on doing them – they only increased security. That being said, during Rukia's first field training, a Hollow somehow infiltrated the barrier and attacked Rukia and her group, who were the first ones it encountered. The screams alerted the presiding senpai and they were able to dispatch of the Hollow, but not before it had devoured two of the three souls. Rukia had only been killed.
Upon hearing the news from Kitsure, Ichigo and Renji had at first not believed him, accusing him of a cruel joke. Too indignant to attempt to prove it through words, he lead them to her grave, where they sat now, numb, too stunned to show any emotion. Kitsure had left them there, not being able to stand the depressing atmosphere.
"At least…she'll be reincarnated," Ichigo said softly, becoming unnerved by the dismal silence.
Renji made a soft sound, but otherwise didn't respond.
Ichigo frowned and looked over at Kira. The blond picked up on the silent plea to leave them alone. "I'll go save you two some food from the cafeteria," he said softly, turning to leave.
"Arigatou, Izuru," Ichigo replied in a near whisper, nodding his head in gratitude.
"Please don't stay out too long – it looks like it's going to rain," Kira added before he was gone.
Ichigo turned and slipped his arm around Renji's shoulders from the front, pulling him into hug. "Don't you dare blame yourself for this," he said calmly in his ear, not without all the concern and comfort any friend could ask for. He went on when Renji didn't respond. "You did everything expected of you – this is not your fault. Not even the slightest bit."
Renji rested his head against Ichigo's. After a minute of silence, he spoke. "Ichigo…?" His voice was strained, even in the whisper.
"Yeah?"
"Why…am I not crying…? …I just feel…numb…all over. Like this can't be real…"
Ichigo embraced him a little tighter. "I feel the same…"
"I cried over Jordan…"
"We were kids…"
"You didn't cry."
"Yeah I did, just not like you did."
Another lapse of silence. Raindrops started to fall.
"Ichii… Did you… Did you love her, too?"
Ichigo didn't answer right away. "I don't know…" he said finally. "Maybe."
"Aren't people…supposed to cry…when somebody they love dies?"
Another hesitation. "I don't know."
Renji pulled himself away and pushed Ichigo to see his face. "What about when your mother died?"
Ichigo leaned back on his hands again and averted his eyes. "I was…too guilty to even cry…"
"What happened?" It was starting to rain harder and they were getting soaked.
"Why do you want to know?" he asked, tilting his head back to look up at the darkening clouds, his eyes closed.
"I don't know… I've never had to deal with a loved one dying. I don't know…if I'm reacting right…"
Ichigo opened his eyes and looked away before he answered. "It was pouring – like it is now. It'd been pourin' for days. The river my mom'n'I walked along every day on our way home from my karate class was startin' to overflow. I saw a kid at the edge, lookin' like she was gonna jump – had a real sad look 'bout her." He paused. "I couldn't tell real people from the dead ones back then. I just assumed anybody I could see was real… So I ran down to her, wantin' to keep her from jumpin'. My mom came after me – must'a thought I was gonna jump in myself or somethin'. I don't know what exactly happened, but I remember the sight of that Hollow…eatin' my mom's soul…while my mom's body was on top of me, an' we were all covered in blood… …When I woke up again, I was in the hospital with all sorts a'tubes and shit goin' in an' outta me. My old man was sittin' next to my bed, lookin' the saddest I'd ever seen anybody – red eyes, pale face, just looked sick all over… I wanted to ask him what happened, but my voice didn't work. My whole body wouldn't move – couldn't feel a thing. After a bit, somebody came by with my baby sisters. Yuzu started cryin' – pro'ly been cryin' b'fore, too. Karin looked real sad, too, but she wouldn't cry. My old man picked Yuzu up and she asked 'Where's Mommy? What's wrong with Ichi-nii?' an' he tried to smile an' he said 'Mommy saved your big brother. She protected him from a very bad thing…' an' he couldn't say anythin' else 'cause he started cryin' again, huggin' Yuzu. An' she just looked so confused an' asked all hysterical, 'Where's Mommy? I wanna see Mommy!' an' Karin must'a snapped right then 'cause she said, 'Mom's dead. She's not comin' back an' Ichi-nii might not either.' An' my old man couldn't say anythin' 'cause it was true. I remember everythin' that happened in that room – every little detail. I remember seein' the pain in their faces – hearin' it in their voice. They were hurtin' 'cause our momma was gone an' I…I was the one that took her away… It was all my fault our momma was dead. An' I just…couldn't live with myself knowin' that – couldn't stand that guilt. I didn't deserve to be alive when it was all my fault she was dead… So I closed my eyes…an' I lost my will to live. I couldn't cry then. I can't cry now."
Silence fell again, but only for a moment.
"We all react diff'rently. Don't mean it's right or wrong – it's just the way we are."
Renji nodded.
"We'll honor her memory, but we can't dwell on it – she wouldn't want that."
Renji gave a slight smile. "She'd probably yell at us for sittin' out in the rain like this."
Ichigo chuckled softly. "Good point – it's freezin'," he said, getting to his feet. He helped Renji up and they both ran back to the dorms as the skies began to rumble.
After a hot shower and a change into dry clothes, they tracked down Kira in the dining hall, who was working on his homework with two uneaten bento opposite him.
"There you are – I was starting to worry," Kira said as they sat down.
"Yeah – thanks for the food," Ichigo said with a smile.
The blond gave a dismissive wave. "Anything for a friend."
Renji ate his food in silence.
Kira leaned over to Ichigo. "Is Renji okay?" he whispered.
"He will be," Ichigo answered before flinging a small ball of rice at the redhead.
The rice smacked him in the face. "What the…" He glared at the innocent-looking Ichigo, who was bent over his rice, his chopsticks in his mouth. "Teme…" he growled, making Ichigo break and laugh, lifting up his head, only to be assaulted by a flying piece of carrot.
"H-hey!" he laughed.
Renji managed a smirk and a chuckle. "You started it," he said childishly.
"Couldn't help it – ya looked so sulky. At least fake enthusiasm in public."
The redhead put on a huge, sarcastic grin. "Fuck you," he added in an overly happy tone.
"Good boy!" Ichigo said, flinging a piece of carrot at him.
Renji reverted back to a fake scowl as he caught the piece and flung it right back at him. "I ain't a dog!"
The orange-haired man blocked it, chuckling. "You sure 'bout that?"
Renji just stuck his tongue out, making a face.
Ichigo mock-glared at him before sticking his own tongue out and touching it to his nose.
Renji stared at him before cracking up, causing Ichigo to do the same.
Kira smiled to himself as the boys laughed together. It was tragic, of course, that their friend had died, but they were lucky to have each other to help get them past it. It was a good thing that they could laugh and joke and not dwell too much on her. Nothing good came of excessive mourning.
"Ichii… Did you… Did you love her, too?"
"I don't know… Maybe."
Ichigo lay awake in his bed, staring at the ceiling. Did he love her…? He just looked so sad… I know why he didn't cry – it's the same reason I can't cry. Death is so common to us. The pain is still there, but we can't cry. It's useless to cry over something so inevitable. But…did he love her?
He held up his hand in the moonlight streaming through the window, looking at the scar etched across his palm. …Could he love her? Did this… Did I take that away? Am I…that selfish? This Oath… We swore our lives to each other – our loyalty to each other. Did we… Were we really too young to understand what we did?
He closed his hand into a fist and rested it against his forehead, eyes closed, and Kira's voice filtered through his thoughts. "The level of commitment to one another – it's very rare to find it nowadays. Especially in our generation. I can't imagine the amount of trust you two must have in each other, and then to be willing to die for that loyalty…"
We have done something much too complex for us to understand, haven't we? No – not we. I. I dragged him into this, not knowing what exactly what we were doing. I only wanted a bond – something concrete. I just wanted to make sure I wouldn't be left alone… I didn't… I didn't think—I didn't know that that kind of bond…doesn't leave room for anybody else. It's just us, and I forced him into it. I… – he gave a sad chuckle – I took his heart all for myself, and he doesn't know what that means…
He opened his eyes again and lay still for a moment before getting up.
Renji was half-asleep when he heard the almost-timid knock at his door. He frowned, sensing Ichigo's agitated reiatsu, and got up. When he opened the door, he found the orange-haired boy standing with his head bowed.
"Somethin' wrong?" Renji asked.
"I… I wanted to apologize," Ichigo said softly.
"Apologize? For what? Wait—here, come in," Renji said, stepping back, pulling the boy inside, before shutting the door.
"I wanted to apologize…for making you take the Blood Oath with me."
"What're you—"
"Let me explain!" Ichigo snapped before looking up at him, his brown eyes threatening to spill over with tears. "I… I think we may have gotten ourselves into something more complicated than I thought," he said before he had to look down at the ground again. "When we swore our lives and our loyalty to each other, I didn't realize I was dragging you into something out of my own selfishness. I made you create this bond with me, and I didn't think to realize that you… That maybe we didn't understand that this bond doesn't leave room for anybody else. I was thinking about it – what you asked: if I loved her, too. I didn't know that you wanted to love her and I don't think this bond allowed you to love her…"
"Damare, Ichii…" Renji said calmly. "Whatever this bond is, or whatever it means, it's on an entirely different level from everything else. No matter how many people I choose to love, nothing's going to change what we have."
Ichigo lifted his head, looking at his comrade.
"And you didn't drag me into it. I was smart enough to know that anything sealed in blood was especially deep. If I had any doubts about that, I wouldn't have done it."
"Then you… Did you…want to love her?"
Renji chuckled. "Iye. She was like a little sister. I loved her like a little sister. I wasn't in love with her."
"Then do you… What would you call…what we have?"
"I dunno," Renji said with a shrug. "We call it a blood bond, but…that doesn't really describe it very well…"
"Then what would describe it?"
Renji just smirked as he ran his fingers through the orange hair just above Ichigo's ear – an action so familiar, Ichigo didn't think to react until Renji leaned forward and softly pressed his lips against his. At that point, he was so stunned, he barely registered when Renji pulled away gently, watching his reaction. "Words can't describe this, Ichii…"
Silently, slowly, Ichigo allowed his expression to soften. "No… I guess they can't," he whispered with a shy smile.
Renji couldn't help but chuckle softly and press his lips to the younger boy's forehead.
"But…you said…we didn't need rumors spreading that we're gay…"
"And?"
"Why… What…are we…" He shook his head, trying to compose himself. "Why're you doing this?"
"Ichii, if rumors haven't started already, they aren't going to as long as we don't do anything weird in public."
"But…I thought you didn't want…you didn't want…"
"I didn't want this?"
Ichigo nodded, averting his eyes with a light tinge of pink in his face.
Renji smirked. "I never said anythin' like that. I said we didn't need rumors that we're gay – I didn't say 'I don't want people thinkin' we're gay.' And if rumors start now – so what? We've got two and a half more years here. It doesn't matter any more."
"Why did it matter back then?"
"Because we were still trying to make a name for ourselves. It woulda been harder for us if everybody thought we were queer. Now we've got our name. We've got our friends. It doesn't matter now… C'mon, you look tired. We should get some sleep," he added, tugging Ichigo over to the bed by his hand.
"W-wait…"
Renji studied him for a moment. "If you don't want this, just say so. We'll pretend this didn't happen."
"It… It's not that. I want this – I want you. But, I mean…I have you. I've always had you. It was just with the Blood Oath – not…not this. Even with the Oath, we were pushing it – it was—it is something complicated, something we couldn't really understand then. This… This is a lot more complicated than that. We're still…way too young to understand it—"
"You think too much," Renji said, cutting him off. "Nothing is as complicated as you think it is. The Blood Oath and this love are one and the same. It's special, and it's rare, and it's just between the two of us. It's putting our lives and our hearts in each other's hands. The only difference…is this." He held his hand out, palm up, and smirked. "We can't explain it, but we can feel it. You can understand that, right?"
Ichigo nodded with a smile. "Yeah. Arigatou, Renji."
"Heh. C'mon, it's been a long day."
The orange-haired boy nodded again and they climbed into Renji's bed together, cuddled together like they used to do when they were little.
After a minute, Ichigo spoke. "Renji?"
"Hm?"
Ichigo lifted his head and pressed his lips against Renji's. "Good night."
Renji smiled. "Good night."
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
Vocabulary...
Bento: lit. "box lunch" (Note: Google it) (Footnote: I remember a friend telling me that some people mistakenly call it "bento box," which would translate to "box lunch box" – it's the same American logic that makes people say "chai tea," which translates to "tea tea")
Teme: (vulger) you (akin to "you bastard")
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