Chapter 6

It's hilarious to watch Bella navigate her way out of a car. She opened her door and stepped onto the black pavement of the Forks High parking lot. Her right arm clutched to the door and her left stretched out for balance as she checked her footing on the wet blacktop.

Finally, deciding she probably wasn't going to fall, she turned and closed her door, but as the metal clicked together, the golden key that belonged to the ancient rusty Chevy fell into a puddle at her feet. She reached over to pick it up, but I got to it first, snatching it from under her fingers and leaning against her truck, amused. Her heart rate quickened simultaneously with a gasp. I had surprised her her.

"How do you do that?" She asked. Her tone was not friendly.

I handed the key to her and tried to hide my smile at her angry tone. "Do what?" I asked innocently.

She took the key. "Appear out of thin air."

"Bella, it's not my fault you are exceptionally unobservant." It was a joke, but it worried me at the time how OBservant she really was.

She glared. "Why the traffic jam last night? I thought you were supposed to be pretending I don't exist, not irritating me to death." Her eyes were on the pavement now, her heart rate accelerating with anger.

"That was for Tyler's sake, not mine. I had to give him his chance." I laughed as the image of her angry, embarrassed face came to my mind again.

"You..!" She was to angry to finish her sentence. Her face was turning such a glorious color of pink. At the time it burned my throat and made me extremely uncomfortable. Now, I longed for that burn.

"And I'm not pretending you don't exist." I said, commenting on her previous statement.

"So you are trying to irritate me to death? Since Tyler's van didn't do the job."

That made me angry. "Bella, you are utterly absurd." I said, too sharply.

Her face turned a deeper color of pink, almost red and she turned away from me, beginning to walk towards the cover of the school, it had begun to rain again.

"Wait." I pleaded. I didn't want her to leave, I didn't want her to be angry. She kept walking away so I followed her. "I'm sorry, that was rude. I'm not saying it isn't true... But it was rude to say it anyway."

"Why wont you leave me alone?" She asked, frustrated.

Rosalie was asking herself that same question. I had asked myself the same question. The truth was, try as I might, I couldn't leave her alone, and believe me, I'd tried. Would it be inappropriate to tell her now that I loved her?

"I wanted to ask you something, but you side tracked me."

Her eyes narrowed. "Do you have multiple personality disorder?"

"Your doing it again." I said smiling.

"Fine then. What do you want to ask me?"

"I was wondering if, a week from Saturday... You know the day of the spring dance-"

She cut me off. "Are you trying to be funny?"

Yes. But instead I said, "Will you let me finish?" She bit her lip and crossed her arms.

"I heard you were going to Seattle that day, and I was wondering if you wanted a ride?"

Whatever snappy response she had ready, clearly didn't apply to this. She was briefly taken aback. "What?" She asked, dazed. Her eyes were blank.

"Do you want a ride to Seattle?" I asked again.

"With who?" Really, Bella? Really?

I rolled my eyes, "Myself, obviously."

"Why?"

Because I'm in love with you and all I can think about when I'm not around you is what your doing. Because I want you to pick me over Mike and Eric and Tyler and I want you to want to spend your free time with me. Because I want you to love me back.

"Well, I was planning to go to Seattle in the next few weeks, and to be honest, I don't think your truck can make it."
She glared and her tone was sharp, she obviously was strangely affectionate towards the old, warn truck. "My truck works just fine, thank you very much for your concern."

She hadn't technically refused. "But can your truck make it there on one tank of gas?"

"I don't see how that's any of your business."

"The wasting of finite resources is everyone's business." I teased.

"Honestly, Edward, I can't keep up with you. I thought you didn't want to be my friend?"

I don't want to be your friend, I want you to be mine. To look at me the same way Esme looks at Carlisle or Alice looks at Jasper. To ask me to take you to Seattle because you can't stand to be away from me for the drive.

"I said it would be better if we weren't friends, not that I didn't want to be."

She rolled her eyes. "Oh, thanks, now that's all cleared up."

"It would be more... prudent for you not to be my friend. But I'm tired of trying to stay away from you, Bella." I had said to much. I waited for the disgusted look in her eyes, but it didn't come. "Will you come to Seattle with me?"

She nodded. She said yes. She said yes... to me. I wanted to yell with joy, but I settled for a smile. "I'll see you in class."

"Attention all passengers, we are now beginning our descent into Manchester. Please return to your seats and keep your seat belts fastened. At this time, we ask that you return all trays to the upright and locked position. Thank-you for flying United and please have a wonderful stay."

I opened my eyes and sat up straight. Bella's shirt, which I had been using as a pillow fell onto the arm rest. Alice was flipping thorough a magazine. I folded the shirt on my lap and tucked it into the sweatshirt I had bought at the Sea-Tac gift shop. Alice, who had ditched her sweatshirt the moment we got back to the airport the next morning looked down at mine in disgust. Sweatshirts were not appropriate attire in her eyes, ever. I didn't care, there was no point to fashion in my world. All that existed was the pain and darkness of the conscious and the peace and tranquility of the dreams.

"Where exactly are we going?" I asked. I had realized I never heard where this new house was.

"It's a small town about 40 minutes outside of Hanover, where Dartmouth is. A place called Charlestown, just over 4,000 people."

When the plane landed we walked out of the terminal and found Jasper waiting for us. He walked to Alice and put his arms around her.

"How was she?" he asked.

"She was asleep when we saw her, but she didn't look good." Alice replied.

"What do you mean." I was surprised at the real concern in Jasper's eyes.

"Little things. Her eyes were dark, so she's not sleeping much. Her hair had dulled a little, so she's not getting enough b vitamins and judging by the way she's thinning around her face and hips, that's not all she's not getting enough of."

I hadn't noticed all of this. I'd seen the deep circles under her eyes but I'd been so happy to see her, I'd overlooked the things Alice hadn't. Looking back at my mental picture of the night before though, Alice was right. Bella did seem thinner, and more pale than normal.

"She's still healing. She'll be better before you know it." he said, wrapping an arm around her and leading her towards the automatic doors.

When we walked out under the protective cover of clouds towards a brand new black Cadillac CTS-V, Jasper smiled.

"Carlisle was quick to find what he wanted." he said.

We got in the car and the smell of fresh leather surrounded me. It was a smell that used to excite me. I loved a new car, ready to have it's limits tested on a dark open highway. I remember reading in a magazine that the Cadillac CTS-V had been the fastest car of 2005. 195 MPH top speed and 0-60 in 3.7 seconds. Normally, I would have ached to trade places with Jasper and test the speed. Normally, I would have been over joyed at the almost silent engine, radiating power underneath us. Normally, I would have breathed in the scent of the new leather, relishing in the newness of it. As it was, I shoved Bella's shirt in my face.

We arrived at the new house, which was six miles out of town, nestled deep in the trees next to the Connecticut River, which separated New Hampshire from Vermont. The house left something to be desired.

Paint peeled from the wooden siding and there was only one outdoor shutter left on the windows and it hung from one hinge. Several windows showed glass that was broken or veined while others had no glass in them at all. The roof was missing most of it's shingling and there were several holes that needed to be repaired and the chimney, which was supposed to stand from the bottom floor, reaching past the third story, was detached from the house and leaning to the left.

I walked through the hole where the front door was supposed to be and found that the inside complimented the desolate outside. The carpet had been shrewdly torn up, leaving warped, water damaged wood in it's place. The walls were missing dry wall in several places and the spots that were covered showed severe water damage. Apparently, there had been a flood.

The entire house was in need of complete renovation, and Esme buzzed around excitedly taking measurements. When she saw Alice and I walk through the door, she smiled at us.

"Just the two I wanted to see."

Alice looked around the house smiling too, the two of them loved a project.

"When Carlisle and Emmett get back, the two of you can drive down and pick up some things from the hardware store so we can start." She said. Alice's eyes sparkled, I hung my head. I wanted to retreat to my room, curl up and re-enter my fantasy world.

"Have rooms been claimed?" Alice asked, enthusiastic.

"Carlisle's and mine is down the hall and Emmett and Rosalie are upstairs at the end of the hall. There are three left, but Jasper wanted you to pick yours."

Alice smiled and dashed up the stairs. I followed with infinitely less enthusiasm. Alice stopped at the third door on the second floor and squealed. I continued up the stairs. I always picked the third floor. Even before I knew the heartbreak that plagued me now, I hated being around a family of perfectly matched couples. Now, knowing that I had had what they had, maybe more, and lost it, the thought of witnessing their love was almost unbearable.

The room was not large, though it wasn't lacking in space. It was a perfect square with a vaulted ceiling, and a single, square window on the front wall. It reminded me of the inside of a small barn, but Esme would have it updated in no time. I heard an engine pull up and descended the stairs. Emmett walked in when I got to the ground floor.

"Edward!" He said, "Come on, we've got a surprise for you."

I followed him and my family out to the long drive way and found a shimmering blue sports car, a Jaguar XKR.

"What do you think?" He asked, smiling.

I looked at the beautiful vehicle. The lines were perfect, it was built for speed. Jasper opened the door and the smell of leather hit me again, I longed for Bella's shirt, but it sat on the rail in my room. I climbed inside, the seat was molded perfectly to my body. I should have been over joyed, this car was perfect, fast and sleek. But I found myself disappointed, I wanted my Volvo.

"It's amazing!" I said, faking awe.

I couldn't tell if he bought it or not but either way he reached down and touched my arm. "It's all yours."

Emmett and I climbed into his new truck while Esme and Rosalie began peeling paint from the outer walls of the house. Jasper and Alice took Carlisle's new Cadillac to pick up a U haul, so they could help us bring back supplies. An hour later we were loading tools and paint into the bed of the truck, while Alice and Jasper lifted lumber, drywall mix, sheet rock, shingles and insulation into the U haul.

By the time we got home, Rosalie and Esme had the house stripped. We unloaded the supplies and got to work, not taking a break throughout the whole day. When Carlisle got home from the hospital around eight o'clock, the entire outside of the house was finished. He began to help Esme construct walls on the interior while Emmett and Rosalie stapled carpet padding to the wood Jasper had replaced.

The next day, Carlisle left for work and Rosalie, Emmett and Jasper headed off to Hanover, where they would begin classes at Dartmouth. I followed Esme and Alice around store after store and dragged my feet as they picked out furniture, drapes, bedding, china patterns...

Though I helped carry furniture and paint walls and assemble beds, I was hardly good for helping. I couldn't carry a conversation and I was lifeless as I arranged and re-arranged furniture as Esme directed me.

The rundown house quickly morphed into a home. The once barn red paint had been replaced with a very light pastel yellow and the trim shone clean and white. The brown, broken shingles were now a deep gray and the once deep red, crumbling chimney had been reattached and re bricked in a lighter color. All shutters had been removed and the glass shown perfectly in the moonlight.

The inside, which was once a shell of warped, faded wood was now bright and modern. The living room looked spotlessly clean with bright white carpet and complimentary white walls. The furniture was black leather and black iron tables were square and angular.

Every room echoed Esme's sophisticated tastes. The contemporary kitchen was full of the most advanced appliances. Each room had been transformed to look like an expensive hotel suite, from the fine furnishings to the thick, soft bedding, even the lush carpet and flawless paint had been expertly blended into the décor. There was art work ordered from France and Italy and Spain set to arrive by the end of the week that would cover the walls and transform the once desolate space into a home that would be envied by the chicest members of New York society.

My room was too grandiose. I'd picked a deep brown for the color of the walls, the color of Bella's eyes. Though Esme had asked me to select a couch and desk in the furniture store, I'd picked a large bed, colored deep blue. It was the color that set of the tone of Bella's skin perfectly. My favorite color. Though my room was flawless and beautiful, it meant little to me. Though there were tall oak bookshelves filled with books and poetry and encyclopedias with which I could begin research on some new disease, I never moved one from the shelf.

I ignored everything about the new house. I never once flipped through the channels on the new flat screen TV. I rejected Jasper's attempts to play me with the ivory carved chess pieces from Africa. My fingers never brushed the keys of the beautiful grand piano Esme had placed in the sitting room. I remained locked away from my family, on the third floor of Esme's new masterpiece. I stayed there and let sorrow wash over me day after day, reliving every moment I'd ever spent with Bella in my fantasies.

When the house was finished, artwork in place, and Esme had moved on to landscaping, we all settled into our new routines. Carlisle left for the hospital each morning and Emmett, Rosalie and Jasper went off to school. Alice had decided to reinvent her wardrobe and was designing a new clothing line and I stayed out of everyone's way. I hardly ever left my room now and my family had given up on trying to convince me to after weeks passed.

The only time I had re-surfaced was when Alice had suggested Carlisle fly across country and bring Bella here himself.

"No!" I had shouted at her.

"Edward, something has to be done. It's obvious you're not happy. And we all know Bella isn't..." Alice said, defensively.

"How do we know she isn't happy? It's been two months! Maybe by now Bella has moved on. Maybe right now she seeing a movie, or shopping with Angela and Jessica. Maybe right now she's sitting on the porch watching the rain fall with Tyler or Eric or... Mike."

"Bella hates the rain." Alice said. This statement was meant to discredit everything I had said.

"Then she's at the movies." I growled through my teeth.

"We don't know that," Alice whined. "Maybe we should go back to Forks and just...check."

"NO!" I exploded. "We are not apart of her life anymore. That visit we made at the end of September was inexcusable and I will never let it happen again. Forget all of your plans to involve yourself with her ever again. Forget all you hopes that one day I'll agree with you and we can run back to Forks and beg her forgiveness. Forget you've ever heard of Isabella Swan!"

Though my voice was strong, radiating with anger, each word was cutting me fresh again. I wanted to crumple to the ground and sob. Only my outrage kept me standing.

Alice's eyes fell. "I'm sorry." she said. "I wont bring it up again."

"Good." I spat at her and turned around.

"You could at least let me watch her. I've lost her too, Edward. I miss her."

I turned towards her again, and glared violently. Jasper moved closer to her, worried that my self control was being pushed too much.

"You're so cruel. Maybe you don't deserve her after all." Alice's thoughts whispered.

All of the anger left me and I stood up straight, staring at her in disbelief. She ran past me, not looking at my eyes and I heard the door slam. Jasper ran after her.

Carlisle was by my side in the next second, sensing something had happened in the silence and put his hand on my shoulder. "Edward." He said, soothingly.

I shook his hand off and walked numbly towards the stairs, my face was blank.

"Edward?" Esme called. Her voice was worried, almost shrill.

I looked at her, but no emotion registered on my face. Her breath became sharp as I turned back and continued up the stairs. I was slow, my mind empty. I wasn't registering any thoughts from the floor below. My hearing had been cut off, it was as if I was submerged under water. I opened my bedroom door and closed it, softly behind me.

When I reached the bed, I slowly crawled into what was normally my sanctuary. I reached through the dark and my hands wrapped around Bella's shirt. But when I placed the fragrant fabric over my face, it did nothing. I was alone in the darkness of my pain.

I did not have any dreams of Bella that night. My mind thought of nothing. The wretched mist spawned from my agony became almost tangible as it swirled around me, suffocating me. I was unable to move. Unable to free myself from the extreme pressure of my misery. This is what it felt like to drown.

I saw the sun rise the next morning, it's dull gray light stretching across the blue of my comforter. It provoked no emotion in me. I had been waiting for the sun through the long hours of the night, trying to struggle through the crushing pain, but unable to move. I had hoped that a change, any change, could bring me out of this misery and now that change had come and I sat as helpless as ever, unable to writhe against the agony that filled every pore of my cold skin. I wished for death.

I fought, again, to escape into the recesses of my mind. To find some memory of Bella. Those sweet memories that chased away the gripping pain of reality. I needed her now more than ever but I couldn't conjure any vision of her. What did her face look like? I couldn't remember how her eyes were set against her pale skin. I couldn't recall the way her hair tumbled down against the side of her cheek. I couldn't picture the curves of her lips or the set of her brow. I had lost all recollection of her scent.

I wanted to breathe. Her shirt was draped across my face and if only I could breathe, I would smell her and instantly her memory would wash over me, relieving me of the pain as I once again was able to recall every detail about her. This was ridiculous. I knew Bella by heart. I knew the way her chest fell and rose again with every breath she took. I knew the distinct sound of her footsteps. I could pick out her heart beat if she were lost in an ocean of people, who's heartbeats would sound callous and unappealing to my sensitive ears.

Maybe my family would all go out to hunt and a the fire, left untended in the fireplace, would catch a stray piece of cloth from the rug and set the house on fire, burning sweet relief into my skin. Maybe the people of the town would discover our secret and torch our home, or lightning would strike or a nuclear bomb would explode... My mind searched impossible scenario after impossible scenario counting the ways that death could come and end my pain. I'd take an eternity of the scorching fires of hell to this pain. This was hell.

My mind continued to search for Bella. Desperately searching to find her face in the fog. It was like looking at a Picasso. The features of her beautiful face were jumbled, misplaced. They didn't make any sense. I couldn't understand this. How could I have lost her when I'd spent every waking moment since I'd left her picturing her face? I'd never known her as a human so I'd never seen her through the haze of human eyes. She should have been cemented permanently into my perfect vampire memories, every detail should have been flawless. But searching for a picture of her was like reaching for smoke, it slipped through my fingers every time I got close.

Suddenly, a new pain washed over me, paralyzing me further. Was it pain? I wasn't sure. Without my memories of Bella, everything seemed to hurt. I searched and searched to identify the emotion that had restricted my movement even more than it had been. That had constricted my lungs inside my chest and blocked off my throat. It was suffocating me further and I realized, it was fear.

I was terrified. Terrified I'd lost Bella. Terrified, I'd never find her again.

Suddenly a memory washed over me, provoked by the fear. I welcomed it, waiting for the glorious relief of the numbness that would replace the pain. It didn't come. I laid there, paralyzed, watching a nightmare unfold.

It was dark in the room. When I opened the door, the smell of blood hit me and hard. My throat burned. It didn't take me long to find her. I scanned the room, but it wasn't my eyes that lead me to her. My instincts tracked the scent of her blood to it's focal point.

She lie there, bleeding, and James knelt over her. I heard skin being torn. He was hurting her.

"Bella!" I ran at them, forcing all the speed possible out of me, anger filling me like it never had before. I hit him hard with my body and he flew across the room. I turned to attack again but a small, pitiful noise from the dying creature below me, kept me where I was. I looked up and saw Emmett and Jasper pouncing on James. The last I saw of him was the fury burning behind his eyes as he sat and watched Bella, writhing in pain, but still breathing.

How I wanted to be the one to tear him apart. The pleasure of ripping his arms, his legs, his head from his body. I wanted it to be mine. A growl escaped me and I almost launched myself at him, but another sound kept me frozen.

Her heartbeat changed. It was slower, weaker. It was dying. I leaned down to her side.

"Bella!" I called. "Bella. Oh no, Bella, no!"

Her breathing was so harsh. "Bella, please. Bella, listen to me. Please, please, Bella, please!" I begged over and over, repeating her name as if it would keep her with me.

Her muscles twitched in an odd way and her heart stuttered even more irregularly.

The door crashed open again and I didn't need to turn to see who had entered.
"Carlisle!" I yelled. "Bella. Bella. No. Oh please, no. No!"

My world was crashing. Blood was spilling out of her, weakening her already dying heart. She couldn't breath and sweat poured from her brow. She was in pain. I was in pain. Why wasn't Carlisle here already? Why wasn't he fixing her? I began to cry, tearless sobs.

A half a second passed and Carlisle was next to me. He reached for her head and examined it. It was the point from which the most blood had spilled, cut by the broken glass of the mirror she'd been thrown into.

When Carlisle applied pressure to the wound she screamed.

"Bella!" I cried.

"She's lost some blood but the head wound isn't deep." Carlisle said, too calmly. He looked down as I moved to hover over her. "Watch out for her leg, it's broken."

I yelled in rage and once again the burning desire to run and destroy the beast that had harmed her over took me. I looked, wanting to see him suffer as Emmett and Jasper destroyed him. I wanted to see the life leave his eyes. But he was finished already. Jasper was throwing a leg into the blazing fire Alice had built from the floorboards. I felt a surge of anger towards my brothers who had ended his life to quickly. They had minimalized his suffering and I wanted him to feel pain. I wanted to force all the pain Bella was in on him and magnify it until he begged for death.

Bella yelled again as Carlisle examined her side. "Some ribs too, I think." He said, as calmly as before.

"Edward!" Bella gasped.

I leaned over her. Her voice was strained, the pain pulling it back into her. "Bella, you're going to be fine. Can you hear me, Bella? I love you."

Alice ran to us, James completely emerged in the fire now, and began to assist Carlisle.

"Edward." She said again. Her voice was stronger now, but only marginally so.

"Yes, I'm here." I said as soothingly as possible, brushing her face with my palm.

"It hurts." She cried.

"I know, Bella. I know." It was killing me to watch her suffer. I turned to Carlisle in my anguish. "Can't you do anything?"

"My bag, please. Hold your breath Alice, it will help."

Something flickered in Bella's face. "Alice?" she groaned.

"She's here. She knew where to find you." I assured her.

She seemed unconcerned with Alice and rolled her head around as if searching for something. "My hand hurts." She whined.

"I know, Bella. Carlisle will give you something to stop it." She shook her head again, unwilling to accept this, needing immediate relief.

"My hand is burning!" She screamed. Tears leaked through her eyes as she lie there in agony.

I was scared. "Bella?"

"The fire. Someone put out the fire!" She screamed again.

I looked down at her hand. A perfect row of teeth were imprinted there in blood.

"Carlisle! Her hand!" I yelled.

"He bit her." He answered me in disgust, though not nearly with enough panic.

"Edward, you have to do it." Alice said, looking at me as she held Bella's head for Carlisle. He had injected morphine into her arm and was now stitching the wound on her head. A nearly impossible task as she was now thrashing against the burning pain of the vampire venom.

"No!" I yelled again. Alice's head suddenly filled with a vision of Bella. Cold and white.

"Alice." Bella's voice was weakening further.

"There may be a chance." Carlisle said, not looking up from his sewing.

"What?" I pleaded.

"See if you can suck the venom out. The wound is fairly clean."

"Will that work?" Alice asked. She had been forced to take a breath and smelled the blood. She was fighting an urge to sink her teeth into Bella's ivory skin.

"I don't know." Carlisle replied. "But we have to hurry."

I thought of putting my lips to her wound and tasting her sweet blood. "Carlisle, I.. I don't know if I can do that."

"It's your decision, Edward, either way. I can't help you. I have to get this bleeding stopped here if you're going to be taking blood from her hand."

"Edward!" She screamed, breaking into sobs. Her eyes opened and found mine, they were pleading.

"Alice, get me something to brace her leg." Carlisle commanded, continuing his work over my broken angel. "Edward, you must do it now or, it will be too late."

I hesitated for a moment but the look in her eyes left me no choice. I must end her pain, I couldn't allow my weakness to cause her more suffering. I set my jaw, tightened my hands around her wrist and then lowered my mouth to her wound.

The fire in my became uncontrollably intense, I barely registered her scream. The blood was delicious, the sweetest blood I'd ever tasted. My grip tightened slightly and I involuntarily sucked harder. She started to become limp but I couldn't break myself away from her. The monster in me was screaming triumphantly.

"Edward." she said, barely a whisper. It drew me away from my instincts. Brought back the almost human half of me.

"He's right here, Bella." Alice soothed, as I broke away from her arm.

"Stay, Edward. Stay with me." She pleaded, fading more and more.

"I will." I struggled to speak.

"Is it all out?" Carlisle asked.

"Her blood tastes clean." I replied, keeping the thought of the taste as far away from the front of my thoughts as possible. "I can taste the morphine."

"Bella?" Carlisle leaned over her, speaking gently.

"Mmmm?" She moaned, to weak to speak.

"Is the fire gone?" He asked.

"Yes. Thank you, Edward."

I smiled. "I love you."

She breathed out. "I know."

I broke out of the dream very quickly, like emerging from freezing water. The paralysis had disappeared though the echo of it's pain remained. I breathed in and out, quickly and shallowly. My chest hurt, my lungs compressed from the weight. My eyes darted wildly around the room. It was night time. I rolled over and saw Bella's shirt had fallen to the floor.

I picked it up and clutched it to me like a hurt child and his teddy bear. My chest started to convulse and deep sobs erupted from me. They didn't stop for days.

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