AN: I just wanted to say here that I really appreciate all the kind feedback I've gotten for this story...I was concerned it wasn't a good one, and you lovely people have shown me otherwise. Many many thanks to sever-black, Emantsal, and most of all Kittenseye for her help in keeping this story going and letting me know if I'm on the right track or not...I owe you a very big cookie lovie! Anyway, just wanted to say thanks to you guys. I also want to thank all of you who have added this story to your fav's and alerts list, it brightens my day to see those emails, it truly does. :)
Idiots…he was surrounded by idiots. Jax leaned against the wall facing the entrance to the docking bay. He hated the Citadel…he preferred Omega to this all out lie of a space station. His hired men had already contacted him of their failure…and to be perfectly honest if he wasn't desperate for creds he'd have them shot. So close…I was so close…Jax was livid.
Sounds of a raised voice in panic caused him to turn towards the docking bay. No fucking way… He smiled. Commander Brina Shepard was in his sights…the hatred that filled his veins was almost enough to make him gag. He wanted her dead... he wanted her to die a slow agonizing death… leaving her as miserable as she had left his brothers back on Torfan.
He wondered what she was so upset about…but then he saw a drell, obviously suffering from a Kepral's attack…Jax laughed, oh…this is perfect!
Jax now had two ways to torture the commander…two weaknesses to exploit. He felt his anger at his men's failure recede. He could wait a moment longer… revenge like this needed to be planned out carefully.
. . .
Shepard felt her face flush with heat; it wasn't a blush though…this was caused by rage…pure, straight, unfiltered rage. "What do you mean nothing more can be done?" She growled. This was not happening…she refused to let this be happening.
Dr. Chakwas's eyes held a sadness that was both familiar and disheartening. Shepard had seen that look whenever a soldier was going to die under the doctor's care… this wasn't just a soldier though…this was far more important, something deeply involved with the commander's ability to fight the reapers and save the galaxy.
"He's only absorbing a little more than half the normal capacity of oxygen. Things aren't that bad right now but Shepard… they are about to get worse and I need you to steel yourself." Shepard shook her head in a silent no. Startled as the doctor's fingers brushed away tears she hadn't realized were there. "Shepard…" Chakwas crooned.
"Stop it." Shepard's voice had never been colder. Chakwas backed up, startled. "Don't you dare pity me, I don't need your sympathy, I need you to do your damn job and fix him." Chakwas sighed, turning her back on Shepard as she examined her own terminal.
"Shepard, Kepral's Syndrome has been an ongoing problem for the drell species ever since they left their home world… like Thane himself said, if the Hanar Illuminated Primacy can't fix this, what do you think a ship's medic like me can do?"
"Something!" Shepard shrieked, "Anything! For God's sake we can't just give up!" She curled her fingers in her crimson hair and pulled as hard as she could. Chakwas placed a steadying hand on her shoulder.
"Shepard…I'm sorry, there's nothing Mordin or I can do anymore. The disease is too advanced." Shepard moved to yell again.
"Siha, come here please." Thane's voice was weak after his last attack. Shepard bowed her head, feeling the color drain from her skin until she knew there was hardly any evidence of her angst. Chakwas smiled sadly at her, nodding to the med bay beyond her office. Shepard squared her shoulders; back ram rod straight, feeling like she was facing her academy drill sergeant more than the love of her life.
Thane was reclined in one of the beds, propped up against numerous pillows and covered in dozens of blankets to keep him warm. If she hadn't been a witness to the events of several hours ago she would have thought nothing was wrong…but Shepard knew better.
"Hey" She offered weakly as she took his hand.
"Your eyes are red." Damn it... His grip tightened around her fingers reassuringly and he gave her one of his rare crooked grins, the kind that made her weak in the knees.
"Siha…" He began, but she shushed him.
"Don't." He was going to give her another version of the Talk and she was in no mood to listen to it. She was not in denial about his death; she was in denial about there being nothing else they could do about it. Shepard wasn't convinced that the game was over…there had to be something. Thane moved to speak when the intercom crackled with static, causing them both to cringe.
+Commander…we've docked at Liara's, she's waiting for you in the lobby.+ Shepard sighed, her breathing shaky. Had she been shivering like this all along? Thane moved to speak again but stopped as she shook her head. "Please…" she whispered as she leaned close, "don't give me a speech." There was a hint of a smile on his lips as she kissed him; it had been what she had said when he came to her before the Omega 4 Relay. The kiss was soft at first, but quickly became stronger, tinged with hunger and desperation. They had so little time left…Shepard couldn't fathom it completely. If she did she would go insane. As Thane's hands cradled her face she knew she was crying again. What in the hell was she doing going to Liara's anyway? Thane only had a few months left and she should be spending it in the Loft with him as much as possible. She knew she had to leave though as she pulled away, somewhat reluctantly. She needed to see if Liara could find anything regarding experimental treatments for Thane…and she needed to collect herself after her most recent freak out session,
"I'll be back soon." She whispered against his forehead.
"I'll be waiting" came his reply.
. . .
Shepard tasted the stale air of the Shadow Broker's Lair…cringing. She was not overly fond of the space ship; it was far too open and far too dark.
"Shepard…" Liara's smiling face filled her vision and soon Shepard found herself in a comforting embrace. She had missed Liara, normally she found the asari annoying or extremely ditzy…but the phrase absence makes the heart grow fonder had never been more accurate. Things were starting to get really depressing on the Normandy and right at that moment she needed Liara's bubbly personality.
"It's good to see you Liara, how are things?" The woman's blue face seemed to brighten,
"Great! I at first had thought this would be next to impossible, but I'm slowly getting acclimated to being the Shadow Broker." Shepard nodded as she gazed at the numerous databanks, all chattering away…the many voices blurring together to form a comforting buzz as background noise.
"How is Feron?" Liara's smile widened.
"He is fine, healing." Shepard nodded. "While I am extremely happy to see you, I sense you aren't just dropping by..." Shepard nodded, Liara was a ditz…but she knew Shepard all too well.
"It's Thane…" Liara's smile faded and she placed a hand on the commander's shoulders. "I'm not an asari Liara…I can't deal with this, I'm losing it…" Shepard bowed her head, her shoulders sagging, "Chakwas and Mordin have told me that nothing more can be done…the disease is far too advanced." Liara nodded,
"Yes, and what with him refusing the transplants I assume that doesn't leave any other options."
"What?" Shepard's head shot up. "What are you talking about? What transplants?" Liara's eyes widened.
"I assumed you knew… Thane is a perfect candidate for a lung transplant…but he refused to be added to the list." Liara's cheeks flushed a faint purple and she bit her lower lip, "I thought you knew that…goddess, I shouldn't have said anything." Shepard shook her head.
"No, you should have and thank you for letting me know." She straightened, feeling her implants begin to itch as her skin flushed with heat. "Now, if you'll excuse me I have to go strangle a certain drell in Life Support." As she turned to leave she realized she had hardly visited with Liara. "I'll be back in a bit okay? We are planning on docking here for a few days."
Liara smiled, "Don't be too hard on Thane, Shepard…" The commander pretended not to hear, she was far too furious.
. . .
Kolyat stepped out of Life Support, staying up all night with Evlin had worn him out. The girl was relentless! Always asking questions…pestering him about his attitude… He wished she would just leave him alone!
Aw give me a break Arashu… he thought as he turned towards the kitchen area. There she was…eating what appeared to be some kind of soup… He tried to turn back towards Life Support, but the sudden movement caught her eye. Godsdamnit…
"Good afternoon Kolyat." She smiled at him, her cheeks flushed from the steam coming off of her food. Kolyat felt his anger lessen slightly, for reasons unknown to him.
"Hey…Evlin...did you get any sleep?" She nodded, before taking another bite of her food. As he took the seat across from her he noted how strange the soup looked. The amber liquid held leafy green things mixed with orange chunks…bits of meat and noodles floating at the top. Human food is so strange…
"Would you like some soup? Mr. Gardner made this…he says it's called Italian-Style Wedding Soup…his grandmother's recipe." Kolyat glanced questioningly at the food…
"It looks weird…" He finally offered. Evlin nodded, smiling again…her smile didn't irritate him as much as Shepard's did.
"But it does taste delicious…" He moved to decline when his stomach protested…loudly.
"I guess I'll try it…" Evlin stood, moving towards the stove in the kitchen area.
The sounds of the elevator powering up made them both pause, staring at the doors. As they slid opened Shepard stepped out, but something about her normally stoic persona was…off.
"Ma…" Evlin's voice was shaky, her posture strained.
"Not now Evlin." Shepard snapped as she moved for Life Support, Kolyat noticed her eyes were a gleaming red…the cybernetics flashing as she glanced over them as she passed.
"Oh…no…no no no…" Evlin was shivering, hands flashing blue…eyes beginning to glow white. Kolyat was a tad startled…Shepard hadn't seemed that upset except for her eyes…but it was obvious Evlin was sensitive to others' moods.
"Hey…" Kolyat stood, approaching her. "Evlin…calm down." He didn't know what to do…he'd only ever dealt with this kind of thing with Oriana…but she had always shrugged off his concern…pushing him away, claiming she was absolutely fine.
"Something is very wrong…" She whispered…closing her eyes, hands gripping the edge of the counter. Her head bent forward, a curtain of dark hair hiding her face. Kolyat looked around, wondering if anyone else was available to help.
Hesitantly he reached his hand out, remembering that she didn't take kindly to most people touching her. When his palm landed on her shoulder he felt her shudder, her whole body shivering. He let his hand rest there until he felt the muscles in her shoulders relax. Letting it fall back to his side as she straightened.
"Thank you…" She murmured. Kolyat simply nodded in response.
"You want more soup?" He asked; surprised at the relief that flooded through him when she smiled and nodded.
. . .
As Shepard entered Life Support she immediately felt the emptiness. "EDI…where is Thane?" The AI sphere popped out of a terminal.
"Mr. Krios was moved to the Loft Shepard…you thought he would be more comfortable there." Shepard cringed at her forgetfulness.
"Right…thanks EDI" She entered the elevator, smacking the top floor button.
Shepard was seething when the doors to her cabin opened. There he was, lounging in her bed, reading a book like nothing was wrong. If the circumstances were different she would have smiled and crawled into bed with him, snuggling against his perfectly sculpted chest…damn it she was getting distracted. He looked up from his book and smiled. "Back so soon Siha?"
"You lying shithead." She hissed. Thane's eye ridges rose,
"Pardon?" Shepard stormed towards the bed, practically looming over him. Any lesser man would have pissed himself by now, but not Thane.
"You lied to me… nothing was ever mentioned about a lung transplant." His face fell ever so slightly and his inner eyelids fluttered rapidly.
"Siha…" Shepard slammed her fist into the wall,
"Don't you fucking start with the 'Siha' bullshit!" She stormed back to the fish tanks, envying the little bastards for their quiet uncomplicated life, "I've lost sleep, sanity, hell I've thrown up over this on a number of occasions…" Her face crumpled like she was going to cry but she didn't. "And all that time you never once mentioned that you were such a perfect candidate for a transplant." She caught the red glare of her cybernetic eyes reflected in the fish tank's wall and it scared her. Thane placed the book on the bedside table; he was so damn calm she wanted to punch him. When he turned back to her his face was grim.
"What do you want me to say Siha? And no I will not stop calling you that so calm down." Shepard pushed her forehead into the glass, taking some minor relief in the ice cold surface.
"Why? Tell me why…help me understand Thane…" The tears began their assault and Shepard was too drained to care. Closing her eyes, she let them flow. Roughened fingers brushed the tears from her face as they cupped her chin, turning her away from the fish. Pools of liquid onyx filled her vision and it was all she could do not to fall into his embrace. He shouldn't have even been standing; he needed to lie back down, but he wanted to comfort her. But she was still mad…still angry and bitter over his lie.
"I'm sorry." He whispered. He leaned his forehead against hers and kissed her nose, as if that could make it all better.
"Yea, I'm sorry too. Your half assed apology isn't going to comfort me when I wake up with your corpse." She pushed him away and stormed into the elevator, knowing he was far too weak to follow.
. . .
Thane stared out of the loft's sky light; looking at the stars whooshing past. The hiss of the doors opening startled him; it had only been an hour since she had left.
"Siha?" He called out.
"No…Garrus." Thane cringed, he hadn't expected this…
"What can I do for you Officer Vakarian?"
"You know damn well what you can do." The turian's fringe was flared and his eyes held a harshness Thane had only seen when he had stared at the abomination in the collector base.
"Is Siha alright?"
Garrus snorted, "She is currently locked in the armory, polishing her guns." Thane couldn't help but smile, "And before you ask she has no idea I'm up here, nor would she appreciate me talking to you. You once butted into my personal business when I fought with Shepard over Sidonis; it's only fair that I now do the same to you." Garrus seated himself next to the bed. Giving Thane an intense look he stated, "Get the transplant."
He had not formed the statement as a request. "Officer Vakarian, last I checked you were a turian…not a drell and most definitely not my mother…exactly where do you get the idea that you or anyone on this ship save for a certain human commander can tell me what to do?" Though his words were partially in jest, Thane had to admit he was a tad irritated.
"Listen, when you do eventually die whose job do you think it's going to be to keep Shepard's pistol out of her mouth?" Thane stifled a small shudder at the thought of his Siha in that position again. "See? You don't like it any better than I do…but that's how she's going to be after you leave. Now I know the risks of this, but I also know how much more time it would give you guys. Do you not realize that if this were a success you would have years more with Shepard instead of months? Don't you want that?"
"And do you not realize Garrus, that if the surgery fails I'll only have days left instead of months?" There it was; the simple truth of the matter that he was far too embarrassed to tell Shepard when she had confronted him. He was scared…absolutely terrified. As much as he had prepared himself for the inevitable, the assassin was not ready for Kalihira's embrace. He did not want to leave his Siha, did not want to lose her.
"Thane…I don't know what to do here…I'm in an odd position, and normally I wouldn't involve myself with this…but I ran into Shepard as she entered the CIC, and it scared me." Thane didn't know what to say, "Now I can kinda understand where the commander is coming from here…my mother is very very sick, and if there was any treatment that could improve her health that was this certain? I'd want her to get it…no matter the risks." The turian placed a hand on the edge of the bed, "I'm sorry…I know I have no right to demand anything from you…but Shepard is the only friend I have in this galaxy…and I'm terrified of what your death is going to do to her." Thane's eyes nictated several times…he still didn't have a response for Garrus.
"I'm going to go see if I can talk Shepard down…if you hear any explosions from the armory…I would like Expel 10 played at my funeral." Garrus gave a turian version of a grin and left.
Thane leaned back, emotionally and physically drained…for so long his life had been on a set course…a straight path, with no forks in the road…then this fiery angel of war charged into his life and now everything was chaos…no easy decisions in sight.
The doors to the cabin slid open yet again; Thane didn't bother to look up at the visitor, "Do you need something?" He asked, getting an answer he was not expecting.
"Yea actually…" Kolyat said, "I do."
. . .
I am beginning to fall in love with the Normandy. She is a gorgeous vessel and I feel more at home here than anywhere else I've ever been. Sadly, the calm has been shattered…Ma is unwell.
It has to do with Mr. Krios…of that much I am sure…she didn't tell me though…I heard from Mr. Vakarian. He is very scared for Ma…he doesn't bother to hide it.
Kolyat is upset as well, he left our card game to go talk to his father…I hope everything is alright. Kolyat is bitter and damaged enough…I fear if another catastrophe were to occur he would never recover. And to be perfectly honest that concerns me far more than I think it should.
I trace my finger over the patterns in the back of the cards on the table. The Celtic knot design of Ma's deck of cards fascinates me. I'm pretty sure I have ruined the layout of the card game Kolyat had set up…I can't remember what game he was about to teach me…I know it was complicated, part of me is beginning to wonder if the reason Kolyat likes to play card games with me is because I am so bad at them... I have a feeling Kolyat won't be returning for a very long time, so I content myself with playing with the deck and listening to the thrum of the engines.
To my great surprise Mr. Krios steps out of the elevator. He is holding his side as if in pain…and his breathing is unusual.
"Are you alright Mr. Krios?" I ask, he looks very sick…his normal emerald hue has paled somewhat and his eyes seem clouded slightly.
"I shall be fine in a moment Evlin, I appreciate your concern…may I sit with you while I catch my breath?" I nod, piling Ma's cards into a neat pile.
"Are you sick?" I ask, Mr. Krios seems agitated about something…he is fidgeting. His eyes seem focused on a far off point, like he is in a different time…and it is then I remember Ma telling me of solipsism. Mr. Krios is no longer in the present it seems. I hope things are well between him and Ma…Mr. Krios is a kind soul, and I can see how much he adores Ma.
"I apologize for going elsewhere Evlin…did you say something?" I have a feeling it is very difficult for him to talk at the moment…his breathing is still uneven.
"No Mr. Krios…I didn't say anything." I do not wish to make him talk more…he needs to catch his breath. I look up from the cards, "Would you like some tea? Mr. Gardner showed me how to make some." Mr. Krios offers a small smile.
"That would be most welcome Evlin, my thanks." I nod before standing, padding barefoot over to the kitchen area. I like the feel of the cold metal against my feet, Ma had purchased a pair of slip on shoes for me…but I refuse to wear them. I hate shoes…
As I pull a kettle from above the stove I hear the elevator open again. Kolyat's heavy foot falls erupt from the lift.
"Would you like some tea Kolyat?" I ask over my shoulder.
"Sure…not so strong though…you made it way too bitter last time…" Only to match your mood… I think with a smile.
"Kolyat…" Mr. Krios tries to acknowledge his son's presence.
"Save it dad…you don't want the transplant so that's the end of it. I don't need to be coddled and cajoled, it's your life and apparently I have no say in it whatsoever anymore." I flinch at the malice in his voice; clearly Mr. Krios had a similar reaction because Kolyat soon leaves for Life Support. His body language spoke of embarrassment and a small amount of regret.
"I'm sorry you had to witness that…" Mr. Krios murmurs; he is flipping through the cards on the table.
"I didn't mind Mr. Krios…I'm sorry he was so mean…Kolyat seems to be quite the grouch." I smile as the water comes to a boil. Kolyat's grouchiness is quite amusing at times…though that wasn't the case right now.
"I fear that is my own fault…but that is a long story and one I do not feel like telling at the moment." I nod as I fill two mugs with tea…it is Earl Grey tea, one of Ma's favorite brands. I place one in front of him.
As I sip my tea gingerly, for it is still quite hot I notice just how sad Mr. Krios looks. There is almost a physical pain in my stomach as I witness his unease. Whatever is going on…it is very bad.
"Ma loves you very much Mr. Krios." I say suddenly. Part of me is frightened at my boldness and I fear I might have upset him…but the words seem to comfort him slightly because he actually takes a sip of tea, smiling.
"I know…thank you Evlin." I nod, taking another drink. The warm liquid slides down my throat and soothes the unease in my stomach. The tea appears to be helping Mr. Krios too, for his mood seems to have brightened considerably since he took his first sip, his breathing is almost back to normal.
The elevator opens once more, and fear settles in my gut when I see who it is…
"What the hell are you doing out of bed?" Ma is furious, and it hurts. I am not used to feeling this way around her…it's terrifying. I feel my hands begin to shake and for a moment…I can't move.
Mr. Krios turns towards her, "Siha…we need to talk." She narrows her eyes, the red irises flashing in the harsh lighting of the room.
"No…you need to get the hell back to bed and rest…you are sick." I focus on the cards on the table…trying to stop the tremors…Ma is obviously far too upset, for she would never act like this around me normally…she knows what happens. As I stare into her eyes I see that she is terrified, scared out of her mind…and it breaks my heart. I don't know what to do…
"Evlin…" I look up; Kolyat has exited Life Support and is walking towards me. "Evlin, come with me please…you need to calm down." For once I do not sense anger or bitterness…and it is as refreshing as spring rain. He is filled with concern for…me?
Kolyat takes my hand and leads me towards Life Support…or salvation in my eyes, already the tremors have stopped and I feel my body begin to calm. "Let's leave them to talk…" He murmurs awkwardly as he gestures for me to enter first.
. . .
Shepard watched Evlin and Kolyat leave…realizing what she had almost done to Evlin…and feeling worse for it. Evlin was one of the only good things in her life and she had just hurt her.
"Siha…please sit down." She stormed towards the seat across from Thane. Falling into the chair and glaring at him across the table.
"I'm sorry for deceiving you…" He offered, reaching for her hands. She stared at his…at war with herself, before she sighed and clasped them in her own. A look of immense relief flooded his eyes and Shepard realized how much of an idiot she was being…this wasn't about her…she was being a selfish bitch.
"Thane…I…I'm the one who should be sorry not you…you've done nothing wrong. I'm just being selfish." She squeezed his fingers before bringing his hands towards her face to kiss his knuckles. "I just don't want to lose you…" Her voice broke and she swore violently.
"Siha…" Shepard shook her head.
"No Thane…you don't have to get the transplant…I shouldn't be forcing you. This isn't about me…I should be supporting you, not yelling at you." His hand cupped the side of her face and she leaned into his palm. His thumb wiped away the tear track down her cheek, but it was futile. Shepard hated being this weak…hated what her sadness did to him.
"Siha…" She looked into his eyes, seeing a small smile grace his perfect lips. "I'm getting the transplant…I've already spoken with Mordin."
Shepard's eyes widened considerably, and Thane was relieved to see the red beginning to fade back to the coffee colored eyes he adored. "What?"
"I've changed my mind…I've decided I'm not ready to give up just yet…" His thumb stroked her cheek again, "I'm not ready to leave you…"
Shepard wasn't sure what to say…so many emotions flooded her system. She simply stared into his eyes…before throwing herself across the table and into his arms. He caught her as her chair clattered to the side, laughing softly as she tackled him.
"I love you…" She whispered fiercely into his neck.
"As I love you Siha."
