TITLE: The Strong Sweet Quality

CHAPTER: 7, If I ever lose my faith in you

LOCATION: NAS North Island, San Diego, California


As they jogged through the storm, Shepard tried to remember all the stories he'd told the children. What might they react to? What adventure had they responded to? What did children respond to? He had no idea.

They reached the children's camping area. But no one was around. Their footsteps echoing. How different it was like this with no children around. Much too quiet.

"William? Jessie?" They called out, searching the firewood storage and building where they stored the blankets and equipment.

"William! This is Admiral Shepard. Report for duty, sailor. Front and center, now!"

Nothing. Just the sound of the rain and the roar of the surf. Lightning flashed over their heads illuminating the deep concern in Jame's face. Shepard went to him. "We'll find them. We'll find them."

"I thought, no matter how scared they were, William might respond to the sound of your voice. Jesse too."

"What are you talking about? They're just kids. Come on."

Grabbing Shepard's arms, James shouted into the storm. "You have no idea do you? No idea the effect you have on people...on the children. Or is it that you just don't care. Sure, you know you're a great leader. But you have no idea the love you engender."

Shepard gripped the other man's face with his hands, "Do you love me, James? That's the only thing that's important."

"No! It's not the only thing that's important! Those kids are important. Giving back is important. And, no. I don't love you...not anymore."

James sped away into the darkness, leaving the admiral no choice but to follow.

James led him to the shoreline. Shepard recognized the dark buildings and fitness area of BUD School. Constructed out of telephone poles, the obstacle course stood out against the stormy sky. Navy Seals, he remembered telling them about the Seal teams. Their courage and how they functioned as a self-sufficient unit. If they came out here when the storm hit, they could have found cover anywhere out there on the course. It was worth a look. He hoped they didn't have to dodge lighting bolts.

"James! Over here!"

They ran from one obstacle to the next, both of them calling the children's names. As they neared the shoreline, Shepard's enhanced hearing caught plaintive calls for help over the roar of the surf. Time had eroded the shoreline back to this point. In the daytime it would be easy to avoid, but in the dark there wasn't much difference between the sand and the water. They were both standing in ankle deep water as small waves pushed against their legs.

Shepard heard it again. "Mister V, is that you?"

James whirled, "William? Jesse?"

"I see them!" Shepard waded deeper into the water.

"P-p-please hurry. I can't hold on to Jesse much longer. She's shivering too hard. No, Jesse don't let go! Help!" William screamed.

James launched himself into the water toward William. His momentum pushed him out far enough to catch the little boy's hands. James pulled him through the water and into his arms. Then he wrapped William in his coat and held him close. The child was nearly hysterical with concern for his sister. There was still work to be done, so James settled William on the sand and turned back to the shore.

Shepard beat him to it and dove for the little girl. The churning water made visibility zero. Shepard searched blindly for Jesse. What good are his implants if I can't save one little girl, he thought as he reached through the murky storm tossed water for her.

"Shepard!"

He heard James calling his name. But he'd seen them both safe before he dove in. He had to keep looking.

Nothing.

Shepard kicked to the surface, grabbed a lungful of air before he could dive again a wave caught him and tossed him against the rocky jetty. James heard him grunt pain.

"John. Let me try!"

"I'm okay! Stay with the boy." Then he dove again.

The salt water burned his open eyes. But he didn't dare close them. He needed as many of his senses as he could use to locate her. Even in summer, the Pacific Ocean is deceptively cold. The careless swimmer ignored that at their own peril. Shepard's hands are numb and he knew he wasn't kicking as hard as he could because he could no longer feel his feet. He's slowing down and he knows it. But he can't lose her. He can't face William or James without her. So he can't fail.

His lungs are empty, his brain is screaming for air. But he kept searching for her, reaching in every direction through the black water. He was just about to kick back to the surface for more air when his fingers brushed across the palm of an outstretched hand. He grabbed for it and pulled. Jesse glided easily to him. Her limp body is weightless in his arms. With one arm around Jesse, Shepard kicked for the surface. There's no time left. He's got to get her to safety.

It's so cold and his vision begins to darken. Shepard loses sight of the surface until a bolt of lightning flashed across the sky. Raising his eyes he can see the outline of the rocks above. But his hands and feet feel useless and clumsy now. He's shivering so hard he can barely hold on to Jesse. He can make it, he's Commander fucking Shepard, isn't he? Just a few more strokes to the surface. Just a few more feet. Shepard doesn't realize he's lost the ability to navigate his way to the surface.

Shepard remembers a familiar feeling. He knows these sensations. It's just like space, but this time there's no stars. Just a weightless and euphoric moment as his brain makes a last stand at keeping him alive. He remembers the cold and the terrifying sense of disorientation replaced with a calm lightness. He's flying and he's free. No pain. No disappointment. Just peace and he yearned for it.

Only this time there's something in his arms. Something clinging to him. Tiny fingernails dig into his neck. And if he dies this time, there will be no one to bring him back.

Something is terribly important about this time. The little girl in his arms is important. She has a brother waiting for her and a life to live. He's lived his life and made a mess of it. She doesn't deserve this fate. It's no good and he knows it. Shepard's boot catches on a rock. Get Jesse to the surface. Get Jesse to the surface, his brain screams at him. Shepard pushes off on the rock and throws Jesse toward the surface. Before his vision blacks out completely he sees arms pluck her out of the water. Good... he can rest now. After a long sigh he realizes he's not cold anymore.


If I Ever Lose My Faith In You

You could say I lost my faith in science and progress
You could say I lost my belief in the holy church
You could say I lost my sense of direction
You could say all of this and worse but

If I ever lose my faith in you
There'd be nothing left for me to do

Some would say I was a lost man in a lost world
You could say I lost my faith in the people on TV
You could say I'd lost my belief in our politicians
They all seemed like game show hosts to me

If I ever lose my faith in you
There'd be nothing left for me to do

I could be lost inside their lies without a trace
But every time I close my eyes I see your face

I never saw no miracle of science
That didn't go from a blessing to a curse
I never saw no military solution
That didn't always end up as something worse but
Let me say this first

If I ever lose my faith in you
There'd be nothing left for me to do