A/N: Sorry for the delay. Life keeps showing up when it is unwelcome *glares* this is building up to other things. So hang tight for the ride.

Kudos for identifying the other Star Trek cameo.


"The Human's presence lowers the overall Bridge efficiency by 34.6%"

"How did you reach this calculation?"

S'Ken produced a tablet filled with data, "You will note his reaction time is that of a 6 year old, his physical limitations necessitate frequent periods of inactivity, and his emotional reactions distract the rest of the crew. Since the Human has come on board we have encountered numerous problematic incidents on Away Missions. Most of these events were directly related to the Human."

"I remind you that Mr. Kirk's reaction time is above average for a Human, he has shown a remarkable adaptability in learning our language, and though his speed at calculations may be somewhat time-consuming, they are not bellow standard," Captain T'Maire leaned backwards and took a meditative breath, "As to these unfortunate occurrences on recent Away Missions: I remind you that it was Mr. Kirk who discovered the A34N2 chemical, the unique textile-consuming vine, and the phenomenon that we are about to investigate."

"Nevertheless, we are now about to navigate through a dangerous region of space. The ship can not afford such a dramatic drop in efficiency."

"You're objection is noted. However, I see no immediate danger in Mr. Kirk's presence."

S'Ken stiffened, "Captain, it is possible that you are allowing the Human's connection with your family to influence your judgment."

"Elaborate."

"Your kinsman makes no effort to hide his attachment to the Human."

"Soral's choice in associates is no concern of mine. If Mr. Kirk's behavior was unmanageable, I would have dismissed him weeks ago regardless of my relative's association."

T'Maire fixed a hard stare at her First Officer. The accusations he had brought to her were not new. He had been critical of Peter from the moment he stepped on board. There would be a time for her to deal with his bigotry, but now was not that time.

"If there is no further protest you wish to bring forward, then you are dismissed."


The first sensation that hit him was the coolness of the air. It was thrilling and wonderful, like diving into a swimming pool on a hot day. Peter took a deep breath and reveled in the freshness of it. The moment he stepped forward, it felt like he could fly. The lighter gravity made his steps seem light and airy. He kept bending his knees too high, as if he were marching. Three bouncy steps later, he tripped over his own two feet.

Comic relief… no matter where I go.

The next thing his mind registered was the noise! As the group followed Captain Bailey to Engineering, he was overwhelmed by the constant beeps and buzzes. Added to that was occasional laughter, loud footsteps, and chatter. Completely pointless chatter.

"It was like eighty degrees in there! I thought I'd melt!"

"You catch the news about Glussia?"

"Sorry I'm late."

"Hey, I'm gonna go get a snack, you want anything?"

I'd forgotten.

As they past various crewmembers, Peter was once again subjected to not-so-subtle stares. Some gave him a puzzled look, some seemed to find him amusing, others smiled. A particularly pleasing looking young lady paused long enough to say "Hey." (With the most gorgeous smile he had ever seen.) Peter felt the blood rush up to his face.

Man… I'm out of practice. Forgot how to play this game. Come on Peter! You're a Kirk! Get your game-face on.

After the third girl made eye contact with him, he finally remembered to say "Hey" back. The minute he did Soral gave him a look. It as good as said, "What was that?" and suddenly it felt rather warm on board.

When they finally arrived at Engineering, he felt dazed. It was an absolute palace of technology. He had never seen such an impressive display of computers. Even Soral looked a little awestruck.

Scotty would have a total geek-out in here.

Peter shook his head and tried to focus on the orders Captain Bailey was giving. Assist Engineering with the shield calibrations. That was the easy part, the hard part was figuring out how to navigate the Taj Mahal of an Engineering Deck they were on.

"My Chief Engineer will be available to assist you. Please do not hesitate to contact me if there are any… obstacles."

The Chief Engineer in question had a barely concealed scowl on his face. A Red Alert went off in his mind.

"Alright," the Chief said as soon as the Captain left, "Two of you on that terminal, the rest over there. You, kid! What's your name?"

"Peter Kirk, sir."

"Okay Mr. Kirk, you will assist me over here."

"Shoran here is better suited to handle the—"

"I said YOU. Come."

Peter set his jaw, but quietly obeyed. He tried to squash the small voice in his head that kept whispering… you could've been this guy's CO. Then you could have told him what he could do with his attitude.

"Just realign the grid there, and I'll do the variances."

"Affirmative."

The Engineer snorted, "You think you're better than us, don't you?"

"What?" Peter frowned.

"You. You talk like them. Forgotten you're a Human haven't you?"

"I'm still Human enough to forget my place and tell you to shut-the-kenni-up."

Soral made a B-line across the room and stood behind Peter.

The Chief Engineer chuckled, "Okay… okay. Just checking. You can still swear like a Human so I guess you aren't totally zombiefied. Now hurry up with that grid."

Soral gave Peter a warning look, then returned to his post.

"Nice little guard dog, you got there."

"Vulcans have a strong sense of duty."

"Hmph… You're related to Captain Kirk, aren't you?"

"Yes. He's my Uncle."

"Figures you'd find yourself a Vulcan then."

"Pardon?"

"Nothing— why haven't you finished that grid?"

Peter tried not to huff as he realigned the grid for the third time. Every time he all but had it, the Engineer would interrupt with another stupid remark. Shoran would've had it done by now. He wasn't going to calculate it again!

"Shoran, do you have the calculation for my side?"

"1257433.9"

"Hey!" The Engineer said angrily, "What'd you say?"

"I asked for the calculations on my side of the grid. As I said before, Shoran over there is an expert at this kind of thing."

"Fine. No more Vulcan."

In truth, he hadn't realized he'd spoken Vulcan. 10 minutes later, he was finally done. It would have taken Shoran only 2.

The Engineer looked over his work with a blank face, "Good. I'll leave you to the variances. I'll be back in a half hour."

The moment the Chief Engineer left, it was like a heavy curtain had been lifted from Engineering. Even the Human crewmembers seemed more relaxed.

"Sorry about that," a young woman approached, "He gets that way sometimes. He doesn't like anyone touching his stuff. Nothing against you all personally."

"Thanks," Peter grinned.

"I'm Katie Stewart."

"Peter Kirk."

"Yeah, I know. I heard your speech at the Academy. First time I actually ever thought about… you know… Vulcans and getting along and stuff. It was neat."

"Neat?" Well we can't all have a good vocabulary. Great Mercury, she's nice looking.

"Hey, after you all are done maybe you'd like to come to the Mess Hall? We're having a little get-together at 1800. Just some food and drinks. Dancing too, probably. Sort of our last chance to relax before this mission and all. You're welcome to come… you and your uh… crewmates."

Peter felt the color rise up his cheeks again. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see T'Enya staring at him. Suddenly the thought of food (which would probably include honest-to-Earth meat) and drinking (He hadn't had a decent Andorian Ale in forever) sounded like the best idea in the universe.

"I'll be there!"


Captain Bailey approached Engineering unannounced. The advantage of commanding a large starship was it was easy to make discreet entrances. He had no doubt that his Chief Engineer would make something of a scene over the Vulcans being near his engines. (Goodness knows he'd heard enough of a riot break out when they were informed that 5 would be beaming over) Thus he decided to just observe for a few moments, to be sure nothing overly dramatic happened.

He carefully made his way to the far corner of Engineering by a pillar and waited.

There was a tall Vulcan working at the station near Peter. The same one who Peter said liked to duel. He tried to imagine the austere figure holding a weapon, but it just wasn't coming to him.

"Shoran, I'm pretty certain I messed this up, but I can't for the life of me figure out how," Peter said.

Shoran approached and adjusted something, "You inverted the 6 to a 9."

"Dang," Peter then rattled off something in Vulcan. Whatever he had said must have been somewhat illogical because Shoran raised an eyebrow and responded with a rather long-winded sentence.

Peter rolled his eyes, "Just wait 'til our next round at the ahn-woon. I'll show you what 'jumbled' looks like."

Interesting… there was a sort of rivalry there.

An older looking Vulcan (if he looked old he was probably somewhere along the lines of ancient) approached Peter and handed him a data chip.

"This remind you of that incident on Tallonius?" Peter asked.

"Somewhat."

"Well, I'll make sure nobody here tries to pull your ears off."

"Highly improbable."

The Vulcan seemed rather short with Mr. Kirk. Yet Peter felt comfortable enough to make that comment. That was different.

Bailey was not surprised to see Lieutenant Stewart standing so close to Mr. Kirk while she worked. What was unusual was the fact that the female Vulcan in the group kept glancing in their direction. Her face was impassive, but it didn't take an expert on Vulcan culture to figure out where her thoughts were turning.

The last Vulcan was the most puzzling. Soral. Bailey had looked up what information he could on Mr. Kirk, after nearly being forced to take him on as First Officer, and in so doing he had uncovered a few things about this Vulcan. Even though he stood a ways away from Mr. Kirk, it was obvious there was a level of protection there. At every "Got it," "Crap," and "Oh wait… fixed it" from Peter, the Vulcan would turn and take in the entire scene. It looked as though he was poised to fly across the room ready to help at a moment's notice. Mr. Kirk seemed fairly oblivious to this, but every once and a while he would look up and catch Soral's gaze. The looks they exchanged spoke volumes. It seemed strange to Captain Bailey to apply the word to them, but it was obvious they were… close friends.

It was a unique group, that was certain. 4 Vulcans and a Human. Yet they each seemed to have a distinctive manner around each other. It was clear that Peter had managed to work his way into their society, and did indeed have a place among them.

"You about done?" asked a rough voice. The Chief Engineer strode over to Mr. Kirk, "Good. Fine. You did it. Okay, all of you out. Go find the Captain and see what else he wants you to do."

That seemed like the ideal time to walk out from behind his observation spot, "Actually, they needn't find me as I am right here. Great work, thank you."

The Chief Engineer turned several shades of red and began to stammer and stutter something about what they had done, and when the shields would be up and running.

"Yes, thank you," Bailey said, "I was here long enough to overhear. If you would care to follow me. We can finish up on the Bridge."


Well… he'd be lying if he said he wasn't a tiny bit curious who the First Officer was. Chances were, he was about to find out. Seeing the Bridge wasn't exactly something he was looking forward to. If it was anything like the Engineering Room… it was probably bigger than his house in Iowa! But there was no use worrying about it. His decision was made. No going back.

The Turbo-Lift doors opened onto the massive Bridge. At least 20 stations, 2 Navigation Posts, and the Captain's chair had a seat next to it… for the First Officer.

That's cushy. First Officer gets a Captain's Chair? Who came up with that idea?

There was a middle aged man standing in the center of the room barking orders. First Officer of the Legacy…

"Mr. Riley."

"Captain," he said and stepped backwards. His eyes landed on Peter. It seemed like an entire hour past as the two looked each other over. Riley's expression was blank for a moment… then his lips quirked, "You know… you're a lot like your Uncle."

Peter self consciously ran a hand through his hair, "Yeah… I get that a lot."

Captain Bailey smiled then set them all to work. It was a simple thing. One of them probably could've managed and yet...

Peter glanced around the Bridge and realized that each Human had a Vulcan working next to them. This Captain Bailey... understood.


The only problem with being on the Legacy, was now he had to return to the D'Vahl. Two seconds after beaming back on board, he remembered why he went nuts over the air conditioning. His legs felt like they were full of lead as he lumbered towards his quarters. Half an hour to change into something hopefully decent, then go to the party with… Katie? Chrissy? Should probably figure her name out.

"Will you be coming?" Peter asked as T'Enya walked past him quickly.

She stopped, "Why should I attend?"

"Because, like the Lieutenant said, this is probably our last chance to relax for a while."

"A Human gathering is likely to be overwrought with intense emotions."

"I think you would find it fascinating. After all, it would enable you to observe us 'in our natural habitat.' But you don't have to go, if you don't want to. Too bad, though, I was kind of hoping I could show everybody that Vulcan woman can be aesthetically pleasing without having to layer on the make-up."

T'Enya seemed to think something over before finally saying, "I shall accompany you, but I will only stay long enough to make my observations of your culture. I shall not stay for the entirety of the gathering."

"Understood," Peter tried not to grin.

Soral approached and gave Peter a look.

"What? So I get to bring the hottest looking Vulcan to the party! I'm doing y'all a favor, you know."

"I fail to see how your attendance at this social function will aid any member of the D'Vahl."

"You're coming though?"

"Naturally."

"Then go change into something other than your uniform!"

"The uniform is perfectly suitable."

"Shoran is going to change. I told him to wear that black thing he wears to practice."

"Then… what would you recommend?"


Soral had been confronted with various Human social gatherings during his time on Earth. As far as he could ascertain, the function of these occasions were specifically designed to engage the emotions. The undercurrent of physical attraction and romantic pursuits was barely concealed in the dances he had observed.

"Come on, don't you wanna at least try?" Peter asked.

"Negative."

"Soral, I've read enough about your culture to know you have dancing."

"Children are taught what you would call "dance" in order to train their coordination and balance."

"So… go show us how it is done."

"No."

Peter shrugged and grabbed another handful of his cured meat.

"Holy Surak, I forgot how good bacon is. Especially wrapped in these watery tasteless things. Whatever they are."

"Water chestnuts."

"What, you tried these before?"

"Affirmative, excluding the meat product."

"Well I'm in heaven. Think we could sneak some on board without offending half the crew?"

"Your ability to do anything covert is somewhat lacking."

"I know… no poker face. Besides, you could smell them a mile away… Oh my word! Someone just replicated pigs-in-a-blanket."

Peter jumped up and ran over to the banquet table. Soral and T'Enya exchanged a look of bewilderment. They were somewhat surprised at Peter's ability to consume such large amounts of food without suffering any ill affect.

Shoran studied his glass. The beverage Peter had given him was rather harsh on the throat. Its flavor indicated it was made from a fermented grain mash. It had a unique taste, one which he found oddly compelling.

"What do you think of the whiskey?" Peter asked as he sat down with another heaping plate of meat products.

"I detect a subtle taste of wood."

"It's aged in a wooden cask. But this is the fake-stuff, so the wooden flavor was added. Hey, there is more fruit over there, if you guys want some. I can ask them to replicate some more French Fries if you want."

T'Enya carefully cut the fry with her fork and knife. "It is difficult to consume."

"That's cuz we use our hands to eat them. What do you think of the flavor, though? Did you try the sauces?"

"The red mixture is obviously tomato based. It diluted the mild flavor. The pink mixture enhanced the sodium."

"Glad you are enjoying it."

"It is somewhat more edible than your previous method of preparing this tuberous vegetable."

Peter was about to make a snide remark about people who dislike Mashed Potatoes, when the loud hum of the speakers came on.

"Hey everybody," an Ensign announced loudly, "Gonna get some tunes going. Any requests?"

Someone shouted out the name of an Andorian song. Moments later the music was blaring. Peter began subconsciously tapping his feet as he devoured his deep-fried turkey.

His three crewmembers exchanged curious looks.

"Well," Peter said licking his fingers, "Since none of you are going to dance, I'm gonna go find someone who will. Do I have sauce on my chin?"

Soral shook his head and watched as Peter made his way through the crowds of people towards a young woman standing awkwardly to the side. Some conversation later, the two were making their way to the area designated for dancing.

"Human dances are very uncoordinated," T'Enya observed.

"Indeed, although significant balance would be needed in order to obtain the position the Human three meters to my right has obtained," Shoran added.

Soral studied the strange movements Peter was making with his hips and legs, but declined to comment. 3 minutes and 45 seconds later the song ended.

"Hey Shoran," Peter called out. He was gesturing wildly in a "come here" motion.

Shoran rose and tried to ignore the giggling that followed him as he made his way past a group of Human females.

"This is my friend Jack Willson, Jack this is Shoran. Jack here was my roommate before Soral, he taught me how to fence!"

"Indeed?"

"Yeah," the Human said awkwardly, "I understand you have been teaching Peter some Vulcan weaponry."

"Affirmative."

"Didn't know Vulcans had weaponry. Peter was saying something about a Leepa?"

"Lirpa. It is an ancient weapon designed by—"

Peter backed away from the conversation with a triumphant look on his face.

"I knew those two would hit it off!" Peter boasted as he sat down with his third helping of pizza.

"I gather that was your roommate prior to my assignment?"

"Yep. He taught me to fence. Those two are doing their weapon-nerd-talk thing. Which is great, by the way. We should get a pic and send that to the Vulcan High Council."

Soral's gaze moved from Shoran and the Human to the movement of Lieutenant Stewart. She approached Peter with a shy smile, "Next song is Old Earth Style. Care to join me?"

"Sure," Peter smiled, "Have I introduced you to Soral? This is my good friend Soral, and this is T'Enya."

Lieutenant Stewart nodded towards them both, then wandered off.

"Hey," Peter whispered, "Do you remember her first name? Started with either a C or a K."

"Katie."

"Got it. Good thing I asked, I almost called her Cathy!"

"Are you romantically interested in her?" T'Enya asked.

Peter choked on his food, "Goodness, I just met her! Look: we can dance without it being all… weird."

"She appears to be making overtures towards you."

Peter turned bright red, "Yeah well… we do that. But it doesn't get serious until later."

Soral tried to calculate how best to salvage the uncomfortable conversation that T'Enya initiated. He decided to use one of Peter's tactics.

"I believe they have replicated a vegetable soup."

"Ah!" Peter jumped up, "You want some? I'll get you some!"

He left swiftly, giving Soral time to shoot T'Enya a warning look. He was about to suggest that they depart to the D'Vahl when he picked up Shoran's voice, "That would be most agreeable. Perhaps after this current mission?"

Peter returned with the bowl of soup, "I told them to hold on the pepper."

The Old Earth Style song began seconds later. Peter dashed off to find his partner.

It was at that moment, with T'Enya prodding a tater-tot with her fork, Shoran coming over with the announcement that he and the Human were making arrangements to duel one another in the near future, and Peter presenting his Lirpa stances as a form of dance move… that Soral remembered why he tended to avoid such gatherings on Earth. They were anything but "relaxing."


Vulcans for Dummies (aka Humans)

By Peter Kirk (who has "still got it")

Chapter 49

Social Gatherings

Bringing a group of Vulcans to any social function is a sure way to make conversation. After the initial "mood killer" the other Human attendees will start to get curious and ask questions. This leads to some interesting conversations regarding the nature of dancing, music, eating, and consumption of alcohol. If you want a rather in depth analysis of your motivations behind any of the above: take a Vulcan or two. It'll definitely add a unique flavor to the night.

Peter sat his writing aside and groaned. He had eaten way too much food. His next shift started in 4.5 hours and it was quite likely he wasn't going to get any sleep, despite how exhausted he was. It still felt great, though. He hadn't partied like that in a long time.

Even though Soral and T'Enya left early, Shoran stayed and chatted with Jack for hours. That was pretty cool. Not to mention the number of guys who had asked "how did you score that chick?" with regards to T'Enya. He decided he'd just omit the fact that she wasn't exactly his girlfriend.

Of course, there was some awkwardness. Like the fact the he kept saying "affirmative" instead of "yeah." He had even slipped up and spoke Vulcan a couple of times. He also got tired of the noise. The music was great, but the constant chatter and giggling got to him.

"Maybe I am forgetting how to be Human," he said to the blank wall, "But at least I can still dance like one."

He rolled over and groaned again. It was far too late at night to begin psychoanalyzing his Humanity. Besides, he needed to be completely alert for the Mission tomorrow.

He closed his eyes and tried in vain to sleep. He just couldn't get his mind to shut up. He kept thinking about the rude Chief Engineer, the cute Lieutenant named Katie, the funny looks he got for trying Vulcan Lirpa stances on the dance-floor, the food (which made him feel sick again), the noise, the laughter, the Humanity.

Then he thought about Captain Bailey. He was probably the most unique thing about the whole day.

He had showed up to the party and chatted with Peter for a good hour. They had a drink together and discussed everything from Earth to Vulcan.

Finally the Captain had said, "You know…had you been made my First Officer… I probably would've made your life miserable."

He hadn't been able to hide his surprise.

"I didn't want you," Captain Bailey explained, "Not anything personal, mind you. I just thought you were too young for the job. You had next to no experience in command. Of course, I have done stuff that I wasn't ready for. So I begrudgingly agreed to look at your application if you sent it in. But the fact that Starfleet all but ordered me to take you on made me mad. I didn't really understand what was going on, but when I heard you would be transferring from a Vulcan ship… I had a pretty good idea. I'm glad you decided to stick it out. I know it probably wasn't an easy thing to do, but believe me when I say I respect you more for staying."

He had to admit he'd been sorely tempted.

"Course you were!" the Captain had said with understanding, "And honestly, now that I've gotten to know you a little bit… I can safely say that had you accepted I would have grown to like you. (You're just too blasted much like Jim! I swear the two of you could charm a Klingon) But… don't back down now. You made the right choice. Nobody can stop you. Not even Starfleet."

Starfleet again. He had a feeling there was still trouble brewing from that front. But he still didn't quite understand why.

"I'm just a kid who decided to try something new. I really don't see why Starfleet or anyone else should care what I do."

The Captain's voice lowered almost to a whisper, "What you did… was different. Sometimes people are afraid of what's different…"

Peter curled up in his blanket. The Captain was right. People are sometimes afraid of what was different… and being the only Human on an All-Vulcan ship was different. Being friends with somewhat-non-emotional beings was different. Asking the hottest Vulcan girl in the room to dance was different.

He was different.

But as Peter finally drifted into not-nearly-long-enough sleep, he couldn't help but feel satisfied.

Things were different, but… he was not afraid.