Chapter 7
Homecoming
Set me as a seal upon your heart, as a seal upon your arm; for love is strong as death, passion fierce as the grave. Its flashes are flashes of fire, a raging flame. Many waters cannot quench love, neither can floods drown it. -Song of Solomon 8:6-7a.
Olivia could no longer deny it. She was broken completely in two. The source of her brokenness was Dr. Fitzgerald Grant. He had kept the promise he made to her three Mondays ago in that hospital cafeteria. Olivia could now admit that she loved him and wanted to make love to him, mirroring what he'd admitted to her so earnestly. In fact, she loved him so much that she hated him because of how he had been treating her these last three weeks. She replayed what he said to her over and over again as if in the reimagining she could somehow go back and modify her response. Instead of rejecting him, she would have accepted him. Now, he regarded her with an indifference so complete that she would have preferred hatred to this superficial regard. Hatred would mean he felt something. But instead he was a paragon of politeness and professionalism.
They had settled into a routine. She saw him him most days at church for meetings or most nights during evening activities or services. His standard greeting was an artificial smile, a tap on the shoulder, and a perfunctory, "Reverend Pope, how are you?" He rarely gave her a chance to respond to his inquiry before moving on to the next person or simply walking away. In her primary role of seeking funding for the church, she was scheduled to meet with him monthly to review her progress on securing grants or envisioning new campaigns to raise money. After the first week of their exile from each other, they were due to meet. Olivia had been hopeful that she could finally talk to him alone. Unfortunately, he had requested that Marjorie attend to take notes. The meeting had been very uncomfortable for Olivia. She had been forced to pretend she wasn't dying inside with him so close and her inability to address the issues that were on her heart and mind. She had negotiated with herself countless times about whether or not to contact him outside of church. When she got close to acting on her impulse, she would call Felecia.
And then there was the new way he interacted with Mellie, who was now a permanent fixture at the church. They appeared to be closer and happy. He held her hand. One time she walked by his office and they were laughing gleefully about something. Olivia suspected that Mellie harbored a smidgen of doubt about the story she fed to her on the phone that morning. When they interacted, Olivia could feel a difference in Mellie's regard toward her. It was very subtle and extremely difficult to identify a concrete example. She just knew Mellie looked at her with well-masked contempt. Since Mellie was present more, she took the opportunity to be near her husband more. After sermons on Sunday, Mellie now joined the receiving line with Fitz. She popped up unannounced to bring him lunch frequently, began to attend a women's bible study that Olivia led, as well as joining the Hospitality Ministry. Olivia felt this was strategic since it was a way to be involved in the church without really being involved. Where there were two or three or more gathered at the church, there was always food. In this way, Mellie was privy to the dates and times of all events. In addition to Fitz's indifference, she was forced to endure Mellie's constant presence and veiled disdain.
Olivia pondered all this until Edison's voice forced her out of her thoughts.
"Liv, where is that coffee, honey?" he asked.
She looked down at her hand holding the carafe under the faucet flowing with water that had long since filled it too capacity. Now the deluge slowly filled the sink.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I..." Olivia said, coming out of her fog and turning off the faucet. She lifted up the carafe and poured out the water until only the acceptable amount remained.
"You were deep in thought about something, Liv. What's going on with you, baby? You haven't been yourself for weeks now. Half the time you seem sad. The other half you seem angry. I think you are stretching yourself thin between church, your teaching schedule, and now with this woman and her baby living here," Edison said, lowering his voice since Shawn and the baby were in the house. "You have taken on too much. These are not the conditions for you to get pregnant. All this stress is not good for you either." He walked up behind her, snaked his arms around her waist, and kissed her cheek. She stepped out of his embrace and walked to the cabinet to get the coffee tin.
"I'm okay Edison. I was just thinking about the capital campaign we are about to start at the church. Those are always so overwhelming and consuming," Olivia explained while measuring the coffee into the filter. "Shawn and little Lincoln are a joy to have around. They have no one, Edison. I will never abandon her or Lincoln-"
"Liv, where is this misplaced since of responsibility for this random woman and her disabled baby coming from? What you have done for her is great, but they are not your responsibility. I let them stay here because I feel guilty about leaving you alone for long stretches of time when I go out on jobs. But this will change when my bid for this new job goes through. I'll be here and we will have our own family. There is no room in our life for them. You should use your contacts to get her help-"
"That is not necessary. I already have a place to go," Shawn announced from the door. Her arms were empty so Olivia guessed that Lincoln was asleep.
"Shawn, Edison did not mean that. You and Lincoln are welcome to stay here for as long as you want." She walked to Shawn.
Olivia had found solace in two things since her exile from Fitz. Joining the choir at church, which had been inevitable since she sang for Fitz's inaugural Sunday. Secondly, helping Shawn heal her wounds and care for Lincoln provided breaks in her sullen and ill temper. Fitz did a great deal to to help care for them too. Sometimes it felt as if Shawn and Lincoln were their only link to each other, similar to the children of a divorced couple. When it had been time for Shawn to leave the hospital they had each done their level best to woo Shawn to their solution. They had each taken care to avoid the other when visiting them at the hospital. During one of his visits, Fitz had offered to rent an apartment for her. Olivia had shot down that idea when Shawn shared his suggestion with her during her visit. Olivia had insisted that Shawn and Lincoln stay with her. The winning point was that Olivia's house was practically empty most of the time since Edison was often away.
Shawn smiled at Olivia. "It's okay, Livs. Today, Fitz said that the board had approved for me and Lincoln to stay at the parsonage."
Under any other circumstances, that would have been good news for Olivia. When Shawn said, 'parsonage' Olivia's heart jumped at the reminder of what has happened between her and Fitz there.
"Shawn, I'm on the board and I hadn't heard anything about this. I think it's a great idea, though, I worry about who will help you with Lincoln. You still have those spasms in your legs-"
"That's blessed news, Shawn," Edison said, before leaving the room.
Olivia ignored Edison's departure. She was reeling from what she felt was a deliberate ploy by Fitz to punish her anew. That she didn't know about it had to be deliberate. She vowed to deal with that later. "Shawn, I don't think that's a good idea. You'll be at the parsonage alone. What about Lincoln? When I work from home I'm able to watch him. I won't be able to do that if you are living at the parsonage. Besides the parsonage needs some work."
Lincoln's cry interrupted their conversation. They both walked into the room that Olivia had made into a nursery for Lincoln. Olivia picked him up and immediately began attending to him as if he was her own.
Shawn stayed back and smiled. This was first time she had ever felt so loved. She was so thankful for it all. Since she'd heard their panicked voices that night from what seemed like thousands of miles away when she had been left for dead, they had been her fierce protectors and caretakers.
"Livs, can I ask you something?" Shawn had not indulged her curiosity about the relationship between Olivia and Fitz, primarily because she didn't want them to start asking more questions about her past or who was responsible for her beating. They respected her decision to keep her past in the past. When she had denied knowing her attacker and maintained that it was a random act of violence, she knew they didn't believe her. She'd loved them all the more because they did not push her. Now, observing Olivia's unhappiness, she couldn't resist asking her.
"Sure, anything, Shawn. Lincoln, I think you just wanted auntie Livs to hold you. You're not wet and I know your Mommy has already fed you." Olivia smiled down at him and nuzzled his cheek.
"What's the deal with you and Fitz?" Shawn asked directly.
Olivia didn't look up from the baby, but Shawn saw her freeze at the mention of his name.
"What do you mean?" Olivia asked.
"Well, I know you work together as pastors at that church, but are you more than that?" she asked.
Olivia looked up at Shawn. She was a beautiful young girl. Now that the bruises and swelling were nearly all gone her features and youthfulness finally came into view. She was tall and lanky with with the same almond colored skin as Lincoln. She had a thick mane of coal black wavy hair that had initially been hidden under a long black wig. Now she wore it in twists compliments of a natural hair salon visit Olivia had treated her to. Olivia wondered why she was asking this question.
Aside from the first two nights of her hospital stay, Olivia and Fitz had not been in the same room with Shawn. They invited her to church, separately, in spite of the possibility that people might ask questions about her. They never had to be careful about their origin story of how Shawn came into their life because she quietly declined their invitation. "I just don't feel comfortable at church," she had said.
"What do you mean more than that? More than what?" Olivia asked.
Shawn pursed her lips and looked at Olivia with a, "you know what I mean" look.
"Dr. Grant and I work together in ministry, Shawn. That's it," Olivia said.
"I know that, but whenever I mention your name to him or his name to you, your faces get all weird."
"I really don't know what you mean Shawn. Just now, I might have looked surprised when you told me about the parsonage, especially since I knew nothing about it. I am on the board at the church and I didn't know they offered you the parsonage. I don't know why, Fitz didn't involve me-"
"See, that's what I mean, Livs. You are getting really spazzed out and the way you look when you say his na-"
Olivia chuckled nervously. "Shawn, you are mistaking irritation for something else. He is my boss when it's all said and done and he didn't...It's okay, Shawn. I'm not irritated anymore. I will rework my schedule to come to the parsonage to help you as much as I can," Olivia said.
"Livs, don't mind me. Forget I asked. Sometimes you two look so down in the dumps. I just want you to be happy. I love you and Fitz. I have made a decision. I don't do the church thing, but I do believe in God now more than ever. I mean I know God sent not one but two pastors to save my baby even if he hasn't let much good happen in my life. I want Lincoln to be baptized, committed, or whatever your church does for babies to give them to God or whatever. And I want you and Fitz to be the godparents," Shawn announced.
Since she wore her heart on her sleeve most days anyway, it was no surprise that Olivia's eyes began brimming with tears.
"Shawnessy, we would be honored to be Lincoln's godparents," Olivia said, getting up to hug her with the baby still in her arms.
"Livs, don't cry. I don't know how I am going to get up the courage to step foot in a church."
"Let's start small. Why don't you come with me to CYS tonight? The young adults challenged the ministerial staff to a skate off."
"What's CYS?"
"It's the Christian Youth Society. This is the way we provide special activities for the young people in our church. Come tonight. I'll introduce you as my cousin. How about that?"
"I guess, Livs."
"Great! Lincoln will love it, won't you my little man?" Olivia said.
As soon as Olivia walked into the skating rink escorting Shawn and Lincoln in his convertible stroller and carseat her gaze collided with Fitz's. He was standing beside the DJ's booth. The lights were dim, but it was obvious that things had not gotten underway. For a split second, he looked at her with a glance absent the indifference she had become accustomed to, but then it was back. His eyes widened in joyful surprise when he saw Shawn and Lincoln. He handed the microphone he was holding to Rev. Blake and walked over to them. Olivia took that opportunity to scan the room for Mellie. "Reverend Pope, how are you?" Fitz greeted Olivia. She didn't bother answering because she knew he wasn't going to wait for the true answer.
"Shawn, I'm happy to see you," he said with a hug. "Are you sure it's okay to bring Lincoln out. He's not even a month old."
Shawn smiled, never tiring of his concern about her and the baby. She was beginning to imagine how it felt to have a father. "Lincoln will be fine. I knew he wouldn't want to miss seeing you and Livs skating."
"Dr. Grant, Shawn tells me that the church board has approved Shawn to move into the parsonage. Why wasn't I made aware of this?" Olivia said.
"Would you mind if we talked about this later, Reverend Pope?" Fitz said, peering into the baby carrier at Lincoln's sleeping form.
"That would be fine Dr. Grant, but it is quite difficult to get hold of you to talk to me alone about anything."
"Set up something through Marjorie," he said, "Well I think we are ready to get this skate off started. All the youth who are participating are here."
"Let me know if you need me, Shawn," said Olivia, "I am going to rent skates."
As soon as Olivia spoke the next voice she heard grated her nerves.
"Honey, I have our skates," said Mellie, lifting what looked like a bowing ball bag. "Karen and Gerry forgot theirs at home even though I repeatedly told them to put their bag in the car. Oh high, Olivia. Isn't this fun? You won't have to worry about losing. Fitz and I are skating champs. Isn't that right honey?"
"Yep," replied Fitz.
"Hello, Mrs. Grant, excuse me," Olivia said before leaving to get her skates.
"Harrison, hi," said Olivia when she met him at the shoe rental area.
"Hey, Olivia. I'm ready to bring these young folks to their knees."
Olivia smiled. "Harrison, was there a meeting today to discuss the parsonage?"
"Yes. It began as an impromptu meeting with the ministers who happened to be in their offices at the time. It is admirable what both of you are doing. He found her in that park half dead. You have let her stay with you for all these weeks. Of course we would approve her staying at the parsonage," Harrison said. "Its a blessing he was at the park at that time."
So he told them he was alone when he found her. Olivia understood why Fitz distorted the truth about that night, but it angered her.
Two hours later the gospel music was still pumping as only Fitz, Mellie, and a few youth leaders remained on the part of the floor cordoned off for the skate off. The other part of the floor was open for other skaters.
Olivia plopped down at the table beside Shawn who was singing along with the music.
Lord I'm running trying to make 100 because 99 and a half won't due!
"Shawn, how do you know that song. I thought you never went to church," said Olivia.
"I love this song. Fitz and his wife are great skaters. I think they're going to outlast the youth leaders," Shawn said.
Olivia was loathed to look at Mellie and Fitz who were zipping around the floor like they were a figure skating couple. Olivia couldn't bring herself to look at them and their playful happiness. Now she was reeling because of what Harrison had revealed. He's trying to pretend like I wasn't there with him.
"Shawn, I think we should go. Two hours is enough for Lincoln," Olivia said.
"Okay. I enjoyed it. Everyone seemed nice tonight."
"You can't pretend like I wasn't there, Fitz!" Olivia said.
It was the morning after the skate off. The youth leaders of CYS had been declared the victors.
She had finally decided to call him.
"Olivia, Tell people I found her by myself is for your own good. This protects your identity so that people won't begin asking questions about why were at the park alone together," Fitz said.
"I don't need my identity protected by you, Fitz. I can take care of myself," she said.
"Believe me, I know you don't need me for anything. This is the best way to-"
"What is that supposed to mean?" she demanded.
"Olivia, I have to go. I have work to do and a deadline to meet," he said.
"But I'm not finished talking to you. Why didn't you wait until I was in the office to have this meeting about Shawn staying at the parsonage? Why wasn't I-"
"Goodbye Olivia. I have to get back to this project," he said before disconnecting the phone.
"You didn't just hang up on me! Fitz! Fitz!" she said into the phone. "He just hung up on me."
Olivia began to pace the floor.
"Livs what's wrong?" Shawn asked. "Was that Fitz?"
Olivia couldn't lie especially since she'd just practically shouted his name.
"Yes," Olivia admitted.
"He must be at the parsonage then. He's supposed to be painting the bedrooms," Shawn said.
"So...he's at the parsonage today?" Olivia asked.
"Yes," Shawn said, smiling when Olivia left the room.
"Fitz open the door! I know you are in there," Olivia demanded, banging on the parsonage door.
The heavy wooden door swung open. "What is wrong with you? Keep your voice down! How did you know I was here?"
She pushed past him and into the parsonage. He shut the door and turned to face her. It pained him to see her, but he resolved to get her out of there as soon as he could.
"Shawn said you were doing some work here today. We have to deal with this. You can't ignore my presence as a board member. You are such a hypocrite the way you pretend I'm your trusted colleague in front of everyone at church, but then you shun me outside of that. Then you fawn all over Mellie like...like..." Olivia accused.
"Like she's my wife? You need to leave, Olivia. There is nothing to be discussed, really. This is a good solution for Shawn and Lincoln. I didn't think you would object."
"That's right, you didn't think. If you had been thinking, you would have consulted me first. They are doing fine with me," she said to face him. He had closed the door and was still standing there.
"I don't think so. Shawn came to me about helping her get a job. She said that being at your house was causing trouble between you and your husband...that he wasn't comfortable with them so I-"
"Edison is rarely there. I think you are purposely trying to hurt me...get back at me for-"
He crossed his arms across his chest. "Don't...please don't make me out to be the villain here. Shawn is happy about the move and you should be too."
She crossed her arms too. "Don't tell me what I should be happy about! Stop pretending this is about helping Shawn. You are using her as a pawn to hurt me. I wouldn't do what you wanted so you have been working so hard to ignore me at church and undermine my relationship to Shawn and Lincoln."
"The world does not revolve around you, Olivia. Every decision I make or the way I act can't be interpreted as some slight to you. I have a church to run and a life to live. You have your own life with your husband and your work at the church. "
"Stop that! Why are you being like this after what you said to me. You said you loved me. I'm not going anywhere until we deal with that," she said.
Olivia walked around him and into the parsonage. She looked around the room and saw where he'd been covering the edge of the walls with blue tape in preparation for painting.
"Olivia, it is not a good idea for you to be here. Please leave."
Olivia ignored him. She placed her purse on the sofa and removed her jacket.
Olivia's back was to him, but she heard his deep sigh.
"Why isn't it a good idea for me to be here, Fitz?" Olivia asked walking up to face him.
He didn't answer her question, but simply stared at her.
Olivia grasped his right hand and intwined her fingers with his. "Fitzgerald Thomas Grant, I love you and I want to make love to you," she confessed.
His expression remained stony. "You don't really believe that Livy," he said. "You're only here now because you have some innate need to be chased."
Olivia grinned, pleased that he'd used that nickname.
Olivia grasped his other hand entwining it with her left one. The fact that he didn't move away encouraged her.
"I am here because I have an innate need to love you and be loved by you. I know I have pushed you away and I'm sorry. This is a big step for me," Olivia said.
He shook his head and stepped back. "I can't go back. My feelings haven't changed. I love you, but I can't keep going back and forth especially now that I have established a way to move on...to stay in a marriage to someone I am not in love with...this work I am doing at the church and also knowing that something good did come out of what we had. Shawn and Lincoln...I couldn't resist wanting you and that led me to them so...I can't let myself be hurt by you again. For some reason, you seem to think it's okay to discount my feelings as if yours are the only valid ones. I know this is difficult and impossible for both of us, but that doesn't give you the right to...Olivia, please don't cry."
Her eyes filled with tears and they were flowing freely even though her face was expressionless. "I'm sorry," she said and looked at her hands. She couldn't face him. The weight of his words and her actions depressed her spirit. He spoke with raw emotion and she knew he was right. "I-I-I'm sorry for...hurting you...for being so...mean to you." She looked at him now accepting all the self-deprecating emotions swirling around in her. She gained strength from a deep since of remorse. "You d-d-didn't deserve any of that. You only deserve someone who...who...loves you enough to be...kind and loving. I don't know what's wrong with me. I love you, but I don't know how to show it. I hate that I let this happen...and I am taking it out on..." Her voice broke and she sobbed openly. "I...don't...don't know...w-w-what to do."
He lost his steely resolve to keep his distance. He moved back to her and wrapped his arms around her waist. He lifted her up until her feet dangled above the floor and she was eye level with him. When their lips merged, it was like coming home. The kiss was salty and sweet, mixed with her tears. She gave herself over to the moment. After awhile, she felt herself being lowered onto a bed. She savored the deep forays of his tongue and made some forays of her own. They held each other tight as if they feared they would fly away.
She sat up and pushed against his chest signaling that she wanted to get up. He moved back.
"Lay on your back," she said. He dutifully complied and she sat down beside him on the bed in the sparsely furnished room. She had planned to dispense with his clothes but with him there looking at her every move, she had to kiss him again. She straddled his waist and pulled at his sweatshirt. He lifted up and helped by pulling the sweatshirt over his head. She took it from his hands and tossed it to the floor.
Olivia slowly unbuttoned her blouse with one hand while running her other hand over his muscular chest. He took over the unbuttoning allowing her the opportunity to explore his chest and comb through his chest hair with her fingers. He unsnapped her bra and pulled off both scraps of material at the same time. When he saw her breasts, he sat up against the headboard intent on taking his time with them. He licked the underside of each one until his tongue reached her nipple, his mouth closing over it, sucking slowly. Olivia moaned at the sensations, but she wasn't satisfied because she wanted all of him at once.
"Fitz?"
"Mmm?" he said between sucks.
Olivia didn't answer. She pulled at his waistband. He moved her hands away and quickly removed his pants and briefs. She followed suit until they were both completely naked.
She pushed him back on the bed wanting to be on top. When she saw his manhood filled to capacity with desire for her, she wanted to feel him in her mouth. She'd never done that before, had a man in her mouth, but now that's what she wanted. She knelt between his legs and began rubbing him from tip to hilt with one hand while softly caressing the twin orbs at its base. His expression was serene and relaxed as he moved his head from side to side. She knew he liked it which emboldened her to continue. She swiveled her tongue around his tip and took as much of his warm hardness into her mouth.
"Livy" he moaned, lifting his hips. Olivia felt a faint stinging sensation between her legs. She knew the only solution to her emptiness was in her mouth right now. She stretched her hands up and grabbed hold of either side of his chest as her head rose and fell. When she tasted saltiness she knew he was close to coming and she wanted him to come inside her their first time. She lifted herself over him sliding down the length of him slowly. He raised up on his elbows and grabbed her derriere to her hold still against his strokes. She pulled his hands away and stretched them above his head as she rode up and down his long hard length. After a couple of strokes he gripped her buttocks and held her still before he exploded inside of her.
Later Olivia awoke to the sensations of insistent fingers moving between her legs. Two fingers reached inside and rubbed against her. She looked into his eyes as he looked down at her with is head casually propped on his hand. He smiled down at her, but she couldn't smile back. The only thing she could do was reach for the nearest thing to keep her tethered to the bed while his fingers caused her to come undone. She moaned and whimpered with pleasure.
After more time passed, she awakened on her stomach. She opened her eyes and snuggled deeper into the pillow. She turned her head and faced him. He kissed the tip of her nose and she kissed his. She turned back the other way. Totally content and desiring uninterrupted sleep. When she felt Fitz move over her back, she opened her legs and lifted her hips. He slid inside her and she knew that sleep could wait.
Mellie needed to talk to Fitz. She'd overheard someone at church describing how her husband had discovered a badly beaten pregnant woman at Lullwater Park. Apparently the woman was living with Olivia and was now going to be moving into the parsonage. Something about this didn't sit well with Mellie. She thought it admirable that Fitz helped the young woman. The fact that Olivia Pope was part of it somehow cast suspicion on the entire situation. She need to talk to him about it so she drove to the parsonage, unable to wait until he came home.
She stood at the parsonage door and knocked.
